The Journey of the Karr's... Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

Walking With You~ Saying Goodbye

2012-01-31T14:49:00.000-06:00

This week are talking about the funeral planning and saying our final good-byes to our dear little ones.

We really didn't do much planning for Janie Beth's Celebration of Life before her birth. We went to the doctor the day before Jaie Beth was born and found out that I was 4 cm already and very soft. Upon finding that out, Joey went to the funeral home that afternoon. He picked out the casket and talked to the funeral director, who was amazing and a true God send! I believe he may have gone by the cemetary too, but there wasn't anything to do there at that time.

Since Janie Beth passed so close to the holidays there were some people that would have been out of town had we done her Celebration the weekend following her death, so we decided to wait a week and have it on Sunday afternoon, January 10, 2010.

The week after going home and before the Celebration, we planned what we wanted done. We went to the cemetary and picked out her spot and the tombstone we wanted and what we wanted on the stone. We were blessed to have a dear lady from church work at the cemetary. She sees it as a ministry and was very sweet. (I will interject here that she called a few weeks before from the cemetary and I was in the shower. It completely freaked me out to see the Cemetary show up on my caller id! Turns out she was calling b/c her Sunday School class had something for us. :))

We had visitation the night before her Celebration. It was a blessed time to share Janie Beth with those that didn't see her at the hospital. We found small animals that we the same as the kids big Janie animals. They put one in the casket with her and they each kept one. Katie Jo also picked out a baby doll to go in with Janie and we named her Katie Jo. :) She also has a lamb identical to the one I have, and Josiah drew her a sweet picture. We also placed pictures in her casket with her. She wore a dress just like the one she wore in the hospital, but I had to buy a new one and another blanket because I wanted to keep everything she wore or was wrapped up in at the hospital. She looked beautiful!!! My box from Sufficient Grace Ministries didn't get to me until after her birth, so I had a picture taken of my hand wearing my bracelet on her with her bracelet laying on her.

The kids putting their things in with Janie.

Our bracelets

Proud Daddy!

We had her slideshow on a TV in the corner for all to see.

How she looked before we left. :) She is well loved!!!

I had a little bit of trouble leaving her, but not much because you could tell she wasn't really there. It was just her beautiful little body. Of course I cried as we left but only because I knew I wouldn't see her again. Katie Jo cried as well. I also was sad to leave her in the building, but she was in good hands.

We had our NILMDTS photographer come and photograph the visitation as well as the Celebration and graveside. I am very thankful to have those pictures!!!

The next afternoon was her Celebration of Life. I opened up with a duet with the trumpet and piano of "My Tribute". We had congregational singing as well of some hymns that meant a lot to us; "Because He Lives", "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms", and I think there was one more that isn't coming to my mind. We had Joey's sister play the harp. She played "Jesus Loves Me" and her daughter sang. Joey got up and spoke. It was really good!! The only disappointing part was the sermon by the minister, but thats ok! Overall the service was wonderful. We also played the slideshow of Janie Beth's NILMDTS pictures. I was very proud to see my precious baby girl on the screen!

Joey carried her casket anywhere it went, even from the hearse into the church before the service.

We then went to the graveside after her Celebration. It was a beautiful day! It was cold, but the sun was shining.

We still visit Janie Beth. I love to decorate her area!!!! It is how I can take care of her. :) I spend forever in Hobby Lobby picking out just the right things! I am very thankful to have a place to go that is hers. God has met me multiple times there!!!

In the Snow on her first Christmas.

This was last spring/summer.

This past fall.

This past Christmas

Her 1st Birthday.

Her 2nd Birthday.

We also release balloons at her grave on her birthday. Just a few days after she passed some friends brought us 22 pink balloons for the 22 hours that she lived. We released those, and her 1st birthday we released 22 pink 1st birthday balloons. This year we released Red Robin balloons because that is where we usually go eat on birthdays, so we went for her birthday and each of the kiddos got a balloon and released them. A couple days later we released her Happy Birthday Princess balloon.

Katie Jo = 7 Years Old

2012-01-30T15:41:00.001-06:00

Katie Jo, I must admit that I have just begun, in the last couple weeks, to love you fully . It is nothing that I have done of myself, but rather the work of God in my heart, as I pray that He will perfect His love for you in my heart. I look at you through new eyes now. This all started when I went into my bathroom one night after you were already in bed and you had turned on the LED candle. My heart swelled with love for you like it never has before. I realized that I haven't been loving you fully; that I had been holding myself back. You have become such a sweet compassionate young lady. You are constantly doing things for others. You love fully! I am learning from you. Since that night I have found myself in you. You have a very vivid imgination, and you are often found playing in your world. :) I see you run to the door to talk to a "friend" and watch you interact and settle your things with such care and love as you play. Outside you run with glee. You ride like the wind on your scooter and bike, all the while your mouth is often times moving as you are playing. You park down by the ditch and watch over the side as your imagination soars. I am transferred back 20 years as I recall playing in the same way. I spent many wonderful hours in my imaginary world, especially outside at my grandparents with the sun shining down upon me. It brings a smile to my face as I know that I am seeing just what my mom and grandparents saw as they watched me (unbeknownst to me!) through the window. But, you let me watch you. Your siblings are often times invited into your world. You are open and loving, without reserve and fear. WOW! That is something I was not. I am learning from you, Katie Jo. You are a special little girl that I love more now than the day I gave birth to you. You are a blessing every day!

You are my crafty one! You could spend hours making things, and they are more often than not made out of your love to give to others. Your heart is pure! You are doing very well in school. You have finished your math and are about to move into the next book. Your reading is coming along. You still love mud! You wanted to play outside the other day instead of have your screentime. :) If only that sentiment would overflow to your brothers. You have enjoyed Joy Schelle getting older where she follows you around. Of course you would love for her to allow you to do more with her!

You still plan on being a missionary and having kids. I pray that God is molding your husband into a godly young man who follows after Him with his whole heart! Yesterday you said you were going to be an artist before you have kids though, and a missionary while you have kids. I am excited to see what God has in store for your life!

This year has been fun! You are coming into your own. I love watching you get it! You love to try new things, and you are very eager to learn the art of homemaking! You are very ready to learn how to sew, and now that the sewing machine is hooked up I hope to get to that soon! You also love to help me cook and bake. You have come along side me without me even realizing it, and for that I am thankful. God is guiding you already.

Father God, thank You for Katie Jo! May You continue to grow her in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ. May You continue to plant Your seeds in her heart and water them. Thank You for all that she is teaching me. Thank You for the beautiful young lady You are making! I am blessed to be her mother. Thank You for that calling! May You continue to perfect Your love for Katie Jo in my heart. Draw us closer together in You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

My, how you have grown!!
5 lb 14 oz, 19 in

Completely and totally in your element!!!

You drew a cow with utters!

You love your picture taken with Joy!

Once again in your element!

Love to climb

You went to New Orleans after the April tornadoes.

You graduated Kindergarten!

Watch me jump!

You usually love Eli. ;)

You absolutely LOVE water!!!

Where else would you be!?! :)

You yelled your loudest in Upward Cheerleading!

You are just a little bit crazy! :)

Love that look!

Precious Moments Noah's Ark tea set you got for Christmas. You love collectibles! All my porcelean dolls are now in your room.

Your Janie Bear is never far away! She often times accompanies us. It warms my heart. You still love to visit Janie Beth too.

My Girls

2012-01-28T16:41:00.001-06:00

The TP Queen!!! She is into everything! She is full of personality! She loves to sing and dance. She warms my heart! :) She is a little pistol, and I believe she will be in the same pea pod as her big brother Eli. She loves Josiah and goes to him to pick her up. She gets right in there with the big 3 with no problem!

Miss Imagination! She will quickly try new things, like skating. She is always crafting and making something to give to someone else. She loves to be outside! When outside she is often times in her own world. She has a whole nother world that she imagines. She does it outside mainly, but it comes inside too. She reminds me of me!!! Although, I didn't play with sticks and grass like she does. She is always making something with the onion grass, or cooking it. :) She has gotten into pulling lots of food out of the pantry and spices out of the drawer in order to "make" something. She has a soft compassionate heart, with a fire hidden under it! She is my helper, and I am excited to train her as a young lady!

We do the flowers at church on the Sunday closest to Janie Beth's birthday. This year it was New Year's Day. There are 22 pink flowers for the 22 hours that she lived, and 2 red roses because she would have been 2 years old. :)

It overwhelms me to think that I have been entrusted with raising these girls to be godly young women who follow after God with all their hearts. The world contradicts almost everything that God wants them to be! I am just an ordinary woman that is trying to climb this steep cliff. I pray that God will be extraordinary through me and that He will work around my faults and shortcomings and work wonders in their lives and hearts! I am blessed!

That Ache

2012-01-28T16:25:00.000-06:00

The ache of the arms has been prevalent over the last week.
The desire to hold and touch and kiss.
The wonder of what she would be like.
How she would look. I can't even imagine.
It makes my heart skip a beat.
It catches my breath.
Brings a tear to my eye. A smile to my face.

I don't know why the onslaught of emotion right now. There could be several factors I guess. I blogged about meeting her and our time with her this week. It floods my memories again. It makes me long for those days to stand still.

I went to the open house of the new LDRP rooms at the other hospital in town. They are wonderful! The staff is so sweet! The NICU there is even intimate. It was a very blessed tour. Two of the rooms have the saying "Angels danced the day you were born" painted above the cribs. I have an ornament for Janie Beth that says that! It flooded me with her! It made her a part of the day. It makes me long to have one of those rooms with Timothy so that she is a part too.

Going to the hospital got me excited about Timothy's arrival. It reminds me of how different I pray that it is from Janie Beth's. The desire to have my labor and delivery the way I want them this time and just cherish each moment makes me wish I could do hers differently, but then I choose thankfulness instead. God was in control! And He still is! There is also that part of me that wonders if Timothy will be ok. Will I say that the angels danced the day he was born because he was born into heaven? I really do feel like everything is going to go wonderfully with his birth, but I know there are no guarantees, and God is in control.

I am also coming up on 28 wks. That is how far I was when we found out about Janie having TD. I even go to the doctor this week at 28 wks 1 day, just like I did when we saw Dr. F at 28 wks 1 day before going to the specialist. WOW!! God has a way of redeeming!

Joy Michelle's personality is really beginning to show and that makes me wonder all the more how Janie would be now, and what she would have been like at Joy's age. It makes me enjoy my kids more!!! I don't want to forget!

While my arms may ache to hold her and my fingers ache to feel her again, I am so thankful to have the privilege of being Janie Beth's mommy!! I would do it all over again. God has used Janie Beth to bring me on an amazing journey. He is still using her journey to change me. What a precious baby girl! I love you, Janie Beth!!! I miss you dearly!

Father God, thank You for making me Janie Beth's mommy!!! Thank You for bringing me on this amazing journey! As I continue to seek You with all my heart, I pray that You will continue to mold me and heal me on this journey. Thank You for the wonderful time I had with Janie Beth. Thank You for the ability to spend each day with Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, Joy Schelle, and Timothy! Thank You for Joey and how You used Janie Beth to bring us closer. You are an awesome God! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

Book Review: Unbound Birth

2012-01-28T13:46:00.000-06:00

I was given the privilege of reading this ebook and writing a review for it. It becomes available on January 31 on Amazon and the website. If you click on the picture it will bring you to the website. You can like it on facebook and twitter.

This book was a very easy read! I finished it in about an hour, if that. It is a wonderful overview of natural birth with some very good ideas to accomplish that goal.

It gave me more confindence to have the birth I want at the hospital. Reading others stories helps boost your own confidence that it can go well.

I would recomend this book to any woman who is considering a natural birth and is trying to decide whether to have one, or to anyone who might need a little more confidence after a bad experience in a previous birth.

It was a refreshing read, and I am very thankful for the sample birth plan at the end!

My last birth was a natural birth and it went very well, but this time I want to have more control over how things are handled and listen to my body more. This book made me feel like I can do that! Now, I just need April to get here. :)

With My Whole Heart

2012-01-26T07:18:00.001-06:00

WOW!!! That is all I can say about how Amazing God's word is!! It is so full. It is alive and active. It compliments itself. It all works together. God has been showing me some awesome things and I feel as though I am on the verge of putting the pieces in the puzzle. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a major break through about to jump into the presence of God! I can't put the feeling into words that fills my heart!

I have been seeking God wholeheartedly this year. He is showing me verse after verse. They all connect; yet, they are all written years and years apart. It is so excited! The funny thing is, it catchs me off guard each time! I go in expecting God to speak to me through His word, but then He lets it all work together to reenforce itself. WOW!!!

I have also started the study Experiencing God. I cannot tell you how excited I am!! I haven't done a study like this in quite some time. I trully want to experience God this year. I was super stoked when Joey told me that he thought I should do a study this semester because it would be encouraging for me. And what study is available!?! Experiencing God. That is the aim as I seek Him with my whole heart this year. Isn't He good!?!

I have so many thoughts swarming in my head right now that I can't get them coherently down. :) I pray that God will give me time to put these amazing puzzle pieces together and begin to write about all the nuggets He is showing me.

I just wanted to hop on today and say my God is an Awesome God!!!! Worthy to be praised!!! He answers prayers in amazing ways!!! He loves me! :O That is so humbling. The fact that He is teaching me so much is humbling.

Abba, thank You! May You continue to grow me in the grace and knowledge of my Savior Jesus Christ. Continue to prune my heart so that it can seek You wholeheartedly. I want You to be my treasure. Show me Your will, Father. This is Your day. May You be lifted up and glorified through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I can't wait to share everything God is showing me!!! I feel like a little kid in a toy store. :)

Walking With You~ Meeting Janie Beth and Our Time With Her

2012-01-25T17:28:00.001-06:00

Week 3 on Walking With You
Sufficient Grace Ministries~ Walking With You
This week, we will be sharing about the birth of our babies and the moments we spent with our children after they were born.

December 29, 2009
What a day it ended up being. I woke up feeling fine, but it wasn't long before the contractions started up again. They had started after my doctor's appointment the day before and hadn't really let up at all until I was asleep. I decided to do some cleaning. I remember cleaning the kitchen a bunch. LOL I was mega cleaning it, I guess. I am sure I cleaned other parts of the house, but I just do not remember. I am sure I washed clothes too since I usually wash on Monday and I went to the doctor. After cleaning all morning, I decided to shower and see if that helped stop the contractions or if they would keep going. I always took my time in the shower when pregnant with Janie Beth (some would say I still do LOL). I would sit on the seat, think, and try to feel her. I put on my black skirt with a red shirt that had black stripes.

The shower didn't stop the contractions. The contractions themselves weren't bothering me, but the pressure they brought was another story. I decided about 2:00-2:30 to call the doctor's office and see what they said. The nurse told me that Dr. F didn't think I would make it to the next week. (Thanks!) They told me to go the L&D and see what was happening and that Dr. N was on call that day. We called my mom to leave work and head to the house. We called my step-dad to come down to the house and be with the kids. I will never forget the excitement of the kids when we told them. It broke my heart! The picture of them waving to us out the door as we left will forever be engraved in my mind. It brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart because they wanted Janie Beth to have her miracle here on Earth just as we did. Josiah even commented one day that it would be really cool to see a miracle happen; to watch Janie Beth's chest pop out and be bigger were his words. Katie Jo mentioned to me while I was packing my bags just a couple days before how she thought Janie Beth would live. (She did live, just not for as long as we would have hoped. This is something I hadn't realized until just now. God did answer our prayers for her to live; He just planned her life to last only 22 hrs.)

As you can imagine, we had a lot of stuff! We had the bag with all the things in it to create lasting memories and the various things we may want to use. We also had the boppy to use to take pictures. I had a boom box and my pillows; I guess I am a pillow snob. :) We also had the laptop. We left the bag with our clothes and things in the car. We look as though we were moving in!

The waiting room was packed! We got there around 3 or 3:30. Joey and I stood by the receptionist and talked to her. She was a blessing! We waiting for 30 min or so.

We then went to LDR 6. We had 2 nurses. One had just moved over from OR. They were really sweet. We gave them our birth plan and explained what all was going on. They checked me and I was 6 cm and 80% effaced. I wasn't going anywhere. They called the doc. I do not remember time wise how the evening went. They gave me my epidural and my blood pressure plummeted! They squeezed the fluids into me, and they had already given me quite a bit before the epi since I had trouble with the last one I had. They gave me meds twice. It stayed low for quite some time. (I didn't feel normal until some time the next day.) It was a scary experience and I was ready for them to turn off the epi, but they wanted me to be able to enjoy the evening since we weren't sure what would happen.

There were many family and friends there in the waiting room. Some came back and visited before the issues with the epi. We were very blessed!

Dr. N came around 7:30 or so to break my water. It was like a dam had broken! I could see the water shoot up from my lounging position! With a child that has thanataphoric dwarfism, the mother has an excessive amount of fluid! The doc jumped back and went for the door saying we needed help. LOL Joey and the nurse both told me that it was nasty. They used blankets to wipe up the floor and then had to come in and mop. I do not think Dr. N will ever forget that! :)

They got the room all ready for delivery since my labors tend to be quite fast once you break my water. Around 9, I felt Janie Beth drop. It was a feeling I didn't have with the first 3. We got the nurse to come. I was ready and Janie Beth was right there. They called Dr N and the neonatal doctor (we love him!). Dr. D (the neonatal doc) was 10 min away. Are you kidding?? Even with the epi, it was hard to not push. I was holding the side bar and pulling up like that would help. LOL

Dr. D got there and I got to push. She was out in 1 contraction, at 9:20pm. No sound.... They brought her over to the baby bed to see how she was. Joey came over and told me that she was fighting and they wanted to take her to the NICU. A glimpse of hope. Joey went with her to the NICU. I am very thankful for the pictures Kelly took since I didn't get to follow.

A large group of folks came in the room once they went up to the NICU. I cannot tell you who all was there because I am sure that I do not remember everyone. The kids got big sibling pins and the grown-ups got pins too. We were all hoping for a miracle here on Earth.

I know Joey and Dr. D updated while still in L&D, but exactly what they said, I do not remember. The only update I remember is when Dr. D came to my recovery room and told us that he believed she did indeed have TD, but we would't know for sure until morning because there wasn't a pediatric radiologist there that night.

They wheeled me to Janie Beth's bed on my way to my room. Oh, how I wish I had stayed there a while. I want so much to be back there beside her bed feeling her and talking to her.

December 30, 2009
I remember going to the NICU as soon as it opened up at 8:00am after the shift change. Jennifer came with donuts. My next memory is Dr. D coming in and telling us that Janie Beth did indeed have TD. Then, came the decision that we would take her off of the ventilator later that day. The morning was full of visitors. Joey brought each one in to visit Janie Beth. I went and saw her a couple of times, and I sat in my room and talked with people. Most everyone stayed in the NICU waiting room because it was bigger. Starting at 3:00 I sat by Janie's bed until every person had come in and said their goodbyes.

When I got there, she opened her eyes and looked at me. :) She held my finger the entire time I sat there. God answered my prayers!! I wanted more than anything for her to squeeze my finger. Kelly told me that she opened her eyes more when I came in then she had the entire Kelly had been there. I had some time with her just Joey and I before the others came back.

The kids came in and we all sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. I sang as much as I could through my tears. Katie Jo is the one that started the song. She loves Janie Beth so much! It still breaks my heart to see the progression of pictures with Katie Jo because you can see her excitement that Janie Beth is there, and then the pure sadness when we tell her she will go to Heaven later that day. In the NICU and later in room 310, Josiah took each part of her in. It was like he was trying to engrave her in his mind, such care and love! Eli didn't want to have much to do with her at that time, but he definitely talks about her a lot now. :)

Many family and some friends came back to visit. Janie Beth touched so many lives in her short time here.

Once everyone had their turn, Joey and I sat there a bit longer.

I walked by myself back to the room while Joey stayed with Janie as she was un-hooked. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done, but he wanted to be there for her through it all. It is hard for me to see the pictures of her after being taken off when she is crying because I know that there was no sound even though she was trying so hard.

Joey wrapped her up and carried to room 310. Kelly even caught Janie Beth looking up at Joey as he walked through the hallway. It was the last time she opened her eyes. She was/is so proud of her Daddy!!!

Joey and I had some time just the 2 of us with her in the room for a while. She took some squeaky breathes for a few minutes. Her heart stayed beating until about 7pm and she was taken off the ventilator at 5:30.

The kids came in the room first and had some time with Janie Beth. Then, the others came in. We took pictures and everyone who wanted to go to hold her. We made imprints of her hands with each of the kids. It was a special time, a surreal time.

Everyone left, and Joey and I worked on molds. We had to get the NICU charge nurse to help us. She was amazing!!!! I remember being upset because she was getting hard and I was having trouble getting prints. We decided to take a break and get some sleep. It was a long day, but a blessed day. It went the way God had planned.

I wish I could put up every picture that was taken!! It is so hard to chose. There are pictures with each person that came to the NICU and to the room. Kelly will forever hold a special place in our hearts!!!!!

December 31, 2009
That morning Janie Beth's hands had loosened up. I thanked God so much because I was able to get her prints and trace her hands and feet. I think I almost cried! It was a special morning just Joey, Janie, and I. I gave Janie Beth a bath and then rubbed her with lotion. I used the lavendar scented wash and lotion from the NICU. She was dressed in the dress that Katie Jo picked out and wrapped in a pink blanket.

We had a wonderful nurse that day. She asked questions about Janie Beth and genuinely cared. I loved that she wanted to know! We even joked a little before we left.

The thought of calling the funeral home and having them come get Janie Beth wasn't sitting right with Joey and I. It was a call we just couldn't bring ourselves to make. Thankfully, someone told us that we could transport her ourselves because she was so small. There was peace in that decision.

While Joey loaded the car, I sat with Janie Beth and sang and talked to her. I cried more than I had the entire stay at the hospital. I wanted those moments to last forever; to soak her in completely.

I was allowed to carry her out to the car. I walked instead of riding in the wheel chair. The nurse did have us go down the staff elevator. I kind of felt for the food guys in there, but they already knew because they were the ones that brought me my food earlier. It felt good to be holding her and carrying her. We even freaked out a lady when I got in the car holding her in the front seat. :) The security guard had to tell her it was ok. That brought laughter to Joey and I.

I am thankful that we got to take her on her first car ride. We still got to do "firsts" with Janie Beth, just not in the normal way.

Then, we pulled into the parking lot of the funeral home. We drove around back. Joey came around the car to get Janie Beth. I hugged her so tight! I held on a bit longer. This was it; the last time I would hold my precious baby girl. As I watched them go inside I just cried. I held my pink lamb and cried. Joey carried her in and laid her on the gurney himself. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done; that and being with her when she was disconnected. He came back to the car and we cried together.

We both had on shirts that we had put Janie Beth's footprints on. We went to Arby's to grab a bite before going to pick up the other kids. I wondered if anyone wondered. Here we were with shirts that had footprints and no baby. I am not sure if we talked much while we ate or not.

Even though the day was really hard, it was filled with peace. The peace that only God can provide. He was in control. We let Him guide our steps, and He blessed our time with her! I am so thankful!!!

Walking With You~ Week 2

2012-01-18T21:05:00.000-06:00

This is week 2 on Walking With You.
If you are a mother who has heard the words incompatible with life, what happened next for you? Share about the waiting if your journey continued. How did you walk that path? What were some of your feelings? What did you do to form lasting memories? What were your struggles? Things you found comfort in?

After learning that Janie Beth would likely not live after birth, I just tried to breathe and make it through each moment. I sang "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" quite often because that is exactly what I was doing, and that is why I named my blog Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. Many times it felt like I was watching someone else walk in my shoes. We fell completely out of our routine in school. We maybe did a day or two after getting her diagnosis. (But, Josiah still learned an awful lot for not doing anything!) We didn't do chores like we normally did either. I was doing the bare necesseties while I tried to figure out how to walk this path.

I did a ton of reading online! I found many blogs and read and read and read. I found organizations, Sufficient Grace Ministries and String of Pearls, that helped women who were carrying to term. Thankfully, we were never faced with the question of whether to terminate the pregnancy because I was already 28.5 weeks. I read in my Bible. I had a couple devotion books I read. I taped Bible verses around the house. I pulled out a little notebook I have that has verses written in it that I read during the really hard moments.

My favorite part of each day was while the kids were napping/resting. I would loung on the couch with my computer and just feel Janie Beth. It was hard to feel her because of all the fluid, but she usually moved during that time. I will forever cherish those times! She moved the most in church. :) The only time that I was really able to see my belly move around was the Sunday before she was born. I even told Josiah to watch. Joey was working so he wasn't there. It was priceless! Church helped me a whole lot! The songs touched my heart. (There are still songs that make my heart skip a beat when the first few chords are played!)

I started my blog to keep people updated on everything that was going on and to have a place to write the many thoughts and emotions that were constantly running through my head!

I tried my best to cherish every moment and every day. We bought a journal that we engraved her name on that I wrote in every night. I told her what we had done that day and I often times wrote about things God was teaching me and Bible verses. (Just a side note, I can’t find this journal since we moved, so prayers that it is found would be appreciated!) I felt a connection to Janie Beth during this time in the evening. I didn’t speak out loud much, but I felt as though she could tell what I was thinking, crazy as that sounds.

We went to Build a Bear and let each of the kids make a Janie Beth bear. It was a way to give them something to hold onto when they were sad or to talk to when they wanted to talk to her. It was one of the best things we did!!!! Those animals are very well loved!

We took pictures with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Our photographer was amazing!!! I am so thankful for those tangible memories!

We made each special event Janie Beth's. It was her Thanksgiving, her AL v. AU game (a big deal for college football in AL), her first snow. We even went to a movie. I prayed daily that she would still be with us for Christmas. I still remember that Thanksgiving. We went to the normal family gathering, but I felt so alone. It was so hard. Josiah's Janie bear watched the football with me. Janie Beth got hit by a snowball. We were blessed to have her for Christmas too. We bought an ornament with a dad and pregnant mom and wrote her name on the belly. I found a pink lamb that became my Janie Beth lovey.
Watching the game...

You can see the snowball mark on my jacket. :)

We were blessed by so many!!! God wrapped us in His arms, and also in the arms of His children. Those were the hardest 6 wks!!! Every single thing was bittersweet. I felt stuck. Grief had already begun, yet I was trying to enjoy. It was a constant see-saw of emotion. I prayed daily, and often times multiple times a day, that God would write my faith! I told God exactly what I felt about the situation. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for guidance and peace. I prayed for comfort. I cried. We bought her a dress and should have bought stock in Hobby Lobby because we got so many memory makers.

I did have a turning point in my journey when I was having pity party and God met me there. I was crying out to Him and I told Him that I didn't want to walk this road! He asked me, "Why don't you want to walk this road? You have no idea where it leads." (original post) WOW!!!! He was right! I had no idea where this road was going to lead. Little did I know how many prayers Janie Beth would answer or how many lives she would touch.

God always met me right where I was and always knew just what to say. :) He is awesome like that. As I re-read my blog posts from those 6 weeks I am amazed at what all God showed me. I am amazed that I even walked that road. I truly learned what God meant when He said that where you are weak, I am strong. I was carried through those weeks!!! I was groping to find my way. I was doing all I could to breathe. Do I have regrets? Of course, but I try hard to be thankful for the things that I did do!

What a journey those 6 weeks were! They were only the beginning of a very long road.

25 Weeks Preggo

2012-01-12T16:32:00.000-06:00

I am now a little over 25 weeks. WOW!!! Time has flown, which it tends to do even more as I grow up. :)

If you have been around a while, then you know that my last 3 pregnancies have not been without issue, and I was really praying that this one would go smoothly with no issues. But, that is not the case. :) God tends to have to put me on my behind to teach me! I want to wholeheartedly seek Him this year, so He is giving me ample opportunity to start the year on the right foot. :)

I started contracting more around 21 weeks or so, but that is my normal time for the braxton hicks to pick up, so I really wasn't worried about it. But, then at 23 weeks I started having pressure. AH! I thought that maybe I had been on my feet too much, so I decided to see how I felt after a good night's sleep. The next morning was also Janie Beth's birthday. Not a day I particularly wanted to go to the doctor! The morning started out feeling ok, but as it went on the pressure built up. We were going to lunch for Janie's birthday and then to the cemetary so I called my doc on the way into town. They wanted me to come right in since we were so close since I was feeling as tho he was going to fall out! To say I was nervous is an understatement!!!

Of course, my doc was at the hospital delivering so I saw the nurse practitioner. My cervix is short, but that is to be expected when you are expecting your 6th child. It is essentially closed, but she wrote me as 1 cm dilated. (I was 1 cm at this point with Joy also.) He is sitting low tho, so figured that was the cause of the pressure.

I was put on modified bedrest and given some bp meds to take to keep the contrax away, and told to keep my appt for the next week.

So, that brings us to today. I spend most of my time sitting around. My crockpot is getting a work out. I try my best to not have to take the meds because they make my bp really low since it already runs low. I have lavendar essential oil that keeps my contrax at bay if they start up. The pressure is actually caused by pelvic congestion. :( I have issues with it at other times too, but this is the first time with pregnancy. It seems to be getting a little worse with each of the last few pregnancies. I have been doing quite a bit of googling if you couldn't tell. LOL

This sitting around has given me the opportunity to seek God and His will for our lives. I am researching Real Food and Essential Oils right now, as well as vaccines. :) Very interesting stuff!

I have also been wrestling with fear this pregnancy. There are several outside factors that are present with Timothy's pregnancy that were present with Janie Beth's. I won't go into all the details but God and I are wholeheartedly conquering this fear. :) I am excited!!!

Timothy seem to be growing just fine! I have gained 10 lbs, and my uterus was measuring 25-26wks at 24 wks. I got back at 28 wks for my glucose test and I will see the doctor at that visit. After that I will be going every other week!!! That is crazy! I can't believe I am already at that point!

Timothy's bassinet is up in our room (mainly b/c it is easier to store it there LOL), and he has a few onesies and bibs in my drawer. He was also the recipient of some adorable cloth diapers from my sister for Christmas!!! I also bought him a cute little lovie and he has a very special blanket from his big sister Janie Beth! One of the blankets in her NICU crib is cream with 2 little animals and I decided while I was pregnant with Joy that if she was a boy this blanket would be Janie's contribution, so it is Timothy's first official blanket. :)

Timothy is also referred to as T.J. quite often around here. Unless you are Eli :) because he can't seem to remember either one and has to ask, "what is the baby's name in your belly I can't remember"? :) Eli got to feel Timothy the other day and he often tries to feel him. It is really sweet. All 3 of the big kids are very excited for Timothy's arrival!! Joy pats on my belly because the others do and laughs. LOL I am trying to tell her Timothy is in there, the baby. We shall see.

Timothy is already very much loved!!! I love to feel him move around! I would just sit there and feel all day if I could. :) Altho it gets a bit uncomfortable when he decides to try coming out my belly button. :P

I managed to get a belly picture the other day when a friend came to visit with her camera!!! My camera was dropped by a precious child of mine and will not work anymore. :(

So.... here I am, and I will add a pic of the bassinet. We buy ribbons for each of the kids at the hospital that have bears and rattles on them, and I pulled the bears and rattles off and put them on a shelf above the bassinet. Janie's bow didn't have a bear because Joey couldn't remember if we got the ones with bears or not, so hers is a white lamb that I had. The back of each animal has the part of the ribbon that has their names and stats glued to it. Janie Beth's blanket and other white lamb also hang over the bassinet just a it did Joy's. :) The animals on the shelf are in age order. :)

Puzzles

2012-01-10T14:10:00.000-06:00

We love puzzles around here! We have been able to pull out our big 1000 piece puzzles since we moved because we have a place to leave them set up. It has been fun to work on them again. The last time Joey and I did them was in our first year and a half of marriage! :O The kids have also been working on their own puzzles.

Josiah has proven himself to be quite the puzzle genius!

Katie Jo does fairly well, but she doesn't last long. :) This is her newest puzzle.

Eli brings in smaller puzzles to work on at the same table because he makes pieces fit. LOL This is his newest puzzle that he worked on with Dad. :)

When we started doing the puzzles, we knew there was one with a piece a missing. I was pretty sure I remembered which one, so we started with the other one. Then, we moved on to the one with the missing piece. Joey said we would throw it away once we were done. Then, we finished; and I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. The missing piece...

It is so much like our lives! We have a missing piece.

The puzzle looks perfect and then you notice the missing piece.

The missing piece is physically absent (sometimes barely noticable), but the colors that are within the missing piece still run throughout the puzzle! The puzzle needs every piece to look whole, but you can almost picture it there because the colors run thru the rest of the puzzle.

Janie Beth is our missing puzzle piece. (Represented by her pink lamb. :))

She isn't physically here, but her presence it still here.

Her colors run through the rest of our puzzle because without her our lives wouldn't be the same! Her colors are present in the rest of our lives!

Wholeheartedly Conquer

2012-01-10T13:39:00.001-06:00

A Tall Order!
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it hsall be that those whom you let remain shall be irritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell. Numbers 33:55

As we are entering our Promised Land and fighting the battles to conquer it, we must drive out the inhabitants completely! There will be no short-changing God's orders! If we don't go at this wholeheartedly, then it will come back to bite us in the bootie later. OUCH! I would rather not have to deal with that.

As God calls us to change things, we must change them wholeheartedly. With our whole hearts we have sought You; Oh, let us not wander from Your commandments! (Ps 119:10) I cannot bargain with God. I must do exactly as He says.

Part of this conquering is being pruned!
"and every branch that bears fruit He pruned that it may bear more fruit."(John 15:2b)
Pruning hurts and if we don't completely (wholeheartedly) pull those bad parts off then they will come back and attack us later! God is pruning me through this pregnancy. I really can't tell you much about my pregnancy with Joy Schelle because I went through it in a daze, but I am much more aware this time! The main thing that God is pruning is fear!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

I have built my walls back up :(. I have not allowed myself to love my husband and children, and even God and Jesus. This time I am going to conquer these walls completely! I am asking God to perfect His love in me! I am wholeheartedly letting go. I want to cherish each and every moment. I do not want to fear losing someone, so then I pull back so that it won't hurt too much when I do lose them. I don't want to be hurt. But, in pulling back, I am missing out! I am tired of missing out! I have had periods of time where I cherish and periods of time where I miss out, and I am tired of it! Therefore, I am setting out into this battle to conquer fear completely and drive it out of my Promised Land and family. I do not want this to be an inheretance that I leave my children!

"For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him." (Matt. 13:12)

What am I doing with what God has given me!?! Lately I have been pushing it all away; just going through the motions. I want the abundance that God has waiting for me! I want to be faithful with what I am given. The pruning brings abundance!

I do not want to be like the Israelites!!
"and they brought back word to us, saying, 'It is a good land which the Lord our God is giving us.' Nevertheless you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the Lord your God;" (Duet. 1:25b-26)

Nevertheless!?! They knew the land was good, nevertheless they wouldn't go!! What!?! How many times does God show me a better way but I'm not willing to go because it looks too difficult to conquer!?! I have been telling God that it looks great to live a life without fear, but it will be too difficult to really conquer it. I just push it down until it comes back up. How silly does it sound to fear conquering fear!?! Seriously? But, in essence that is what I have been doing.

But, look at this amazing promise!!!

Then [Moses] said to you, 'Do not be terrified, or afraid fo them. The Lord your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes. (Deut. 1:29-30)

God goes before me! He fights for me! The sad thing is, that even after the Israelites were reminded of all that God had done for them, they still weren't willing to go and wouldn't believe. I have been just like the Israelites! Ouch!!

In my quest to wholeheartedly love God, Jesus, and my family, I am going to wholeheartedly conquer fear through the perfect love of God! :)

Thank You, Abba, for Your longsuffering! Thank You for Your mercy and grace! Forgive me for running away for so long, even when You had proven Yourself in other things. I am still a little scared to let go because it opens me up, but it will also free me. May You continue to go before me and fight for me! Thank You for taking the time to go with me into battle, for I know that without You I can do nothing!!! Cleanse my heart and make me a new creation of love. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The First Steps~ May You Be Glorified

2012-01-10T10:26:00.001-06:00

http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/

Sufficient Grace Ministries has a section called Walking With You. It is for bereaved mothers to support each other. For the next 10 wks every Monday there will be a new topic to blog about in the babyloss journey. I feel that God is calling me to participate this time, and I pray that it will draw me closer to Him and encourage someone else.

Walking With You wk 1 ~ The First Steps
As I look back 2 years later November 19, 2009 is still so clear in my mind. Typing the date and seeing the date still make my heart jump. The cry in my heart that day was "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I pray that You be glorified." That is still the cry of my heart today as I continue Janie Beth's journey. The first steps were so scary and so alone feeling. I clung to God as I have never clung to Him before!

It all really started on November 16, 2009 and to read that you can go here.

Here is what I wrote about November 19, 2009, Our trip to UAB:

November 19, 2009 I went to UAB to see a specialist about Janie Beth's legs. That was one of the hardest days I have ever lived through. I think I remember things about that day better than my memories from Janie's day here with us.

I had Joey snap this picture before we left. I was 28.5 wks.

I do not remember a thing about the drive down there, but I am sure that we talked... a lot. :) Once we got to B'ham, we were early so we went to a thrift store. I remember looking around the store, but not really finding anything of note. I think we bought a couple little things; books if I am not mistaken.

Then, we went to the doctor's office. The waiting room had quite a few ladies in it, plus the people that came with them. I sat there and wondered why they were there. I had brought some things to read, but I never really read. I think I may have had a book out at one point, but it didn't really accomplish much. Joey had a cough, but he wasn't contagious. He actually went into the stairwell at one point to cough. We joked that everyone probably thought he was infecting them. (He really sounded bad!)

After waiting for quite some time, we were called back to an ultrasound room. The tech said that she was helping out the people we were going to see, and would take most of the measurements and then they would do an u/s as well. She was really nice!! She printed tons of pictures for us. (Once again, I wish I had a video tape!) She told us that Janie Beth was definitely a dwarf. She said her profile matched perfectly. She told us that the main concern would be if her chest cavity was big enough to allow her lungs to grow.

Janie Beth was so darn cute!!! One of my main prayers since our last ultrasound was that she be in the perfect position for them to get measurements. God answered the many prayers that were sent up. She behaved wonderfully for this ultrasound technician. When she was done with all of her measurements she brought us to a room to wait for the doctor to be ready.

They stuck us in a room. I remember that we sat in some chairs and there were a lot of boxes in there. We didn't talk much as we waited. My heart was already hurting.

Then the doctor came and got us. There was a doctor, a resident, and a student, plus the u/s tech came in too. The resident did the ultrasound. I do not remember much talking; maybe some between the doctor and resident, but that was about it. The ultrasound tech pulled a book out and looked up what percentile Janie Beth was in for the size of her chest cavity. Two and a half percent! I will remember that forever. Janie Beth wasn't behaving as well for these docs, and the resident had trouble getting a couple measurements so the doctor took over.

When they were done, the doctor talked to us. I do not remember exactly what he said, but I know he started with telling us the names of 2 different types of dwarfism and that Janie Beth had one of them. I know that he told us she would not live, but how he phrased it I do not know. He did say at one point that she could surprise us. (In our language, that is God might do a miracle. :) ) I had tears streaming down my face, but I didn't lose it completely. The ultrasound tech was crying, as were the resident and student (all of which were female). He asked us if we had any questions. Are you serious!?! You just told me my daughter is going to die and you expect me to know what questions to ask! Of course, we didn't have any at that point. The resident was kind enough to get me the kleenex.

We left that little room forever changed. I handed over my paperwork to the check out lady with a red face and tear stained cheeks. She didn't ask. As we were walking out, I told Joey I needed to go to the bathroom before we left. It was in that one person bathroom that I looked in the mirror and said those words. I gave it all to God in that moment. He was in control.

What do you say when you get in the car after you are told your daughter is not going to live? I don't remember. I do remember that we went to McDonald's drive-thru. I remember thinking about calling people and having to tell the kids. It was a long, sad drive home. Very quickly many were praying on our behalf! A sweet lady even called me as we were driving and told me not to give up hope.

The kids stayed at my mom's with Poppa that day. My parents knew, but we were going to tell the kids when we got home. The doctor had given us a picture of her chest and belly, and Joey used that to explain to the kids that her chest wasn't big enough for her lungs to grow and be able to breathe. Katie Jo cried; a very hard moment. We told them we would be praying for a miracle, but that it was ok if Janie Beth went to Heaven. We know God loves us and He is going to do what is best for us and Janie Beth. And so began The Journey of the Karr's, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.

God is still doing what is best for us, even when it doesn't feel like it. There is always someone missing. She is the missing puzzle piece, but the colors from her piece of the puzzle are woven into every other piece!!

East of the Jordan

2011-12-30T14:50:00.000-06:00

Before Janie Beth, I was settling on the East of the Jordan.

This morning I was reading Numbers 32. It is the chapter where the tribe of Rueben, Gad, and half of Manessah ask Moses to let them settle on the East side of the Jordan. I then moved on and read in John, but I kept thinking about settling on the East side of the Jordan.

How many times do we pitch our tents on the East side of the Jordan because it looks so good even though it isn't the Promised Land. We still get blessings on the East side when we are following God's laws, but what are we missing out on!?! It is wonderful land and our families might be safe there, but what are we missing out on? We are comfy on the East side. We aren't challenged. We don't grow. We don't change. We just hang out and have God in a little compartment of our lives.

I was living on the East side of the Jordan! I had my 3 kids. My husband had a job. We had a house. The kids went to a little 2 hour/ 3 days a week program at the local tech school where they taught teenagers how to teach preschoolers. I had what I tought was the life. God fit right in, and I could still go about doing the things I had always done. My kids were kind of like a status symbol. I had them and I loved them, and I was called their Mother, but I wasn't really mothering them. I would if it was convenient for me, but they weren't really my priority. I was the preacher's wife. I had a title and status in the community. I felt important. I was blessed. God was teaching me, but it was on the surface. Oh, He was calling me deeper, but I didn't really want to hear it. I was having a good time on the East side.

Then life got hairy. We lost our job. We got a home, but it was half the size and the garage was piled high with boxes because we didn't have room and Joey didn't have an office. We became regular church members. I had faith that God would pull us through somehow, but my life was upside down! What happened to the East side of the Jordan!?!

Then, we found our we were expecting. Yay, a bright spot in this thunderstorm we were living in. But, I had a feeling...something wasn't quite right. Little did I know just how "not right" they were. But, I trudged forward. Then, we found out Janie Beth wouldn't be able to live after birth. REALLY!?! Are you serious? "God, I don't know what You are doing, but I pray that You be glorified!" Then, Janie Beth was born Dec. 29, 2009 and then went to heaven 2 yrs ago today. Thus began an even darker storm...

But, this storm would lead me to the river's edge on the East side. All along I thought I was living in the Promised Land, but in reality I was wondering in the wilderness. I was clueless!

God used Janie Beth to part the waters of the Jordan River and call me to the true Promised Land that He had for me. Really!?! We still didn't have a job. We still lived in a small house. I now had 4 children, but 1 of them resided in Heaven. How in the world was this my Promised Land!?!

God asked me if I really wanted to be a wife and mother? Of course! That is all I have ever wanted to be and do. But, you have just used them as a status symbol. A check off your list. They are there to meet your needs. Is that truly what a wife and mother should be?

WOW!!! How little I truly knew, and still know! God called me to accept my calling as a wife and mother. It wasn't a title to just put on. It is so much more than that! It is a lifestyle. It is a huge calling! It has major responsibility. It is hard work. It is rewarding. It is a blessing. It is a true Promised Land!

No, it isn't ready made like the East side of the Jordan, already ready for the livestock and children, but it is where I am truly called to settle. There is a little obstactle. :) Isn't there always!?! :) I have to conquer this Promised Land. I have to work the land to get it ready. I have to dive in with both feet and hands and sweat. I have to fail and get back up and try again. But, it is amazing!!! The land is fruitful if I am willing to take the time to work it. My children's souls and hearts are fruitful! Will I take the time to work them and feed them? Or will I just let them grow as they wish with lots of weeds? I must build my house and make it comfy and cozy. Relaxing for my beloved. I need to make him feel cherished. Am I going to let the world do that? I could try and let it, but it would never do it.

This Promised Land is full. I want to conquer every part of it! I am just scratching the surface of the coast on the West side of the Jordan. It is already amazing, and I know I can't begin to imagine the blessings that await for me and my family as we set out and conquer our Promised Land.

In a little house, with no job, and a child in Heaven, I found the entrance to the Promised Land God has for me. Before life got hairy, I was perfectly happy to be on the East side of the Jordan. I don't know what all awaits us in the Promised Land, and I know there will be hard times, but it will all be blessed. We have God leading us and following us. He has us enclosed all around. He is our helper and our guide. We are wholeheartedly seeking Jesus and following Him on the journey into our Promised Land! It isn't at all what I would have expected, instead it is far better!

Thank You, God, for a precious baby girl named Janie Beth. Thank You for using her 22 hours to bring me on an amazing journey that brought me to the edge of the East side of the Jordan where You showed up and asked me to go deeper! Thank You for Your love and guidance. Thank You for Your grace and mercy as I fail daily. Thank You for Your patience as I have to learn the same lesson over and over. I love You! May I grow to love You more and more. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

2 Yrs Old

2011-12-29T07:02:00.000-06:00

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY Janie Beth!!!!!
We love you and miss you so much!

Change

2011-12-28T14:22:00.000-06:00

I believe change is going to be a big part of our lives in 2012. Timothy will be joining our family, we pray. We will be moving somewhere; there is a particular place we are praying for. We will get some kind of job, prayerfully in a church. We will be changing how we do things around here.

2011 was about growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. I will continue to pray that prayer for my family. It has blessed us immensely this year, and I am very thankful for the ways in which God has had my family grow. He is growing us in our desires and priorities.

This year I want to take that even deeper. God has been changing mine and Joey's hearts in many ways. We took the plunge this year and told the kids that Santa isn't real. They really accepted it just fine! I wanted Christmas to be all about Jesus! Last year I brought up telling them about Santa, but our hearts weren't totally ready yet. I am realizing that our focus as a family is in the wrong place so many times! Christmas is a wonderful example because everyone is focused on self. What will I get? How many presents do I have? Me, me, me! But, our focus should be Jesus and giving. We tried to implement a focus change this year, and I plan to do even more next year.

But, I don't want our focus to be on Jesus only at Christmas time! I want our lives to be totally about Him.

I have been reading through Book Five of Psalms at night before going to bed. Sometimes I only get through one verse because it touches me so much, but lately I have been stuck on the same 8 verses. I just can't seem to move beyond them.

Psalm 119:8-16
How can a young man cleanse him way?
By taking heed according to Your word,
With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blesse are You, O Lord!
Teach me Your statues.
With my lips I have declared
All the judgments of Your mouth.
I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
I will meditate on Your precepts,
And contemplate Your ways.
I will delight myself in Your statutes;
I will not forget Your word.

All of these verses are rocking my world, but I am really rocked by verse 10 right now.

With my whole heart I have sought You;

Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!

Do I seek Jesus with my whole heart!?! Or is it just with the edges!?! Do I let Him have full access? Am I willing to change and let go of things I really like in order to truly be what He wants me to be? Am I wholeheartedly sold out for Jesus?

In all honesty, my answer to every one of those questions is "no". BUT!! (Don't you just love when it says, "But, God"!!!) But God is changing my heart! He is growing me. I want my answer to those questions to be a big resounding "YES"!!! I want to continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ my Lord and my Savior by wholeheartedly seeking after Him.

My word for me and my family is WHOLEHEARTEDLY! This year we are going to seek to seek after God and Jesus with our whole hearts. We are going to continue to grow, and prayerfully become a family after God's own heart. We are going to change because you cannot seek after Jesus wholeheartedly and not be changed!

This will not be easy!!! I will admit that there is a part of me that is wondering if I will have to let go of things I really like. But, then I think of the amazing things God will fill that place with! Look at the disciples! They dropped everything and went. Their eyes were only on Jesus. I can feel the changing stirring in my soul. It excites me. I am thankful for a husband to go on this journey with. I am thankful that we are changing the way our children are raised. I am thankful that God has called me to a higher standard as His child. I am thankful that He will be with me every step of the way.

I told Joey last night that everything needs to be laid on the table. We have discussed this many times with regard to the church, and how they (every single church) need to revision themselves and lay everything on the table and make sure it is all honoring God and doing what He wants it to. I believe there are times when He may call us to stop a ministry that is doing well because there is another one that needs more attention or is needed more. (That is a rabbit we can chase in another post. LOL) As a couple we need to look at everything we are doing as a family and/or not doing and make sure that it is all lining up with what God wants us to do. I honestly do not know what God may ask us to stop or start, or move away from a little bit, but I do know that His plan for us is good and His will is perfect. It may hurt as we are pruned and as we grow new roots because that is hard work, but we will be so thankful we did it!

So, here we go! We are off on a wholehearted journey toward Jesus!!! :) I hope to write more about the other verses in this section as well now that I have written about verse 10a. God's word is so amazing! Alive and moving still today if we let it!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!

2011-12-25T07:47:00.000-06:00

Lolly

2011-12-19T22:28:00.000-06:00

We have a special guest at our house this month. (And the kids have asked that she continue to visit after Christmas is over. :)) Her name is Lolly. Yes, my children named her. The first suggestion as Golly, so Lolly is good! She is our Christmas Angel. (You can find out more about them here.)

First off I must say a HUGE THANK YOU to my awesome Aunt Tricia for giving us Lolly!!!!!

Each night I set Lolly up with a message of how we will give the next day. She has truly blessed our family! We have enjoyed focusing on others this Christmas season. The angels are God's messengers, and we are too, so we are trying to spread Jesus by the messages of our actions. I have made it my goal to really focus on Jesus and giving this year. Lolly has helped us to do that. We are also doing The Jesse Advent Tree. (Hopefully, next year we don't move at this time of year and I can plan better!) I pray that seeds of Jesus are being planted in my children's hearts as we seek to share Him with others.

Here are some pictures of Lolly and her messages that we have received so far...
Our first day we read her story and just talked about her and focusing on Jesus and getting excited about His birth.

We made cards to share our thanks with our teachers at church.

Sadly, we haven't actually accomplished this, but it is in the plans for this Thurs or Fri!

Lolly hid in the tree! :)

Here is her message. (We decorated a little tree for Grandaddy.)

We wrapped 8 presents to go under Grandaddy's tree; one for each day starting Dec. 18 thru Christmas Morning.

Sunday Lolly had to rest because Mommy and the 2 youngest children were up almost all night! But, the 2 oldest and Mommy dropped off the tree and presents at Grandaddy's door and ran. (He somehow figured out it was us!)

I have to say that I am very proud of the kids for going through their toys and picking out like new things to give to children that lost everything in the tornadoes in April!!!

We will be sharing our smiles at home tomorrow, and out and about as we drop off the toys and go visit Grandaddy since he was upset we ran and didn't stay. :)

I look forward to Lolly continuing to visit throughout the year some, and especially next December! I am thinking she will be around once a week throughout the rest of the year, but Mommy won't tell which day. :)

I pray that God will use Lolly to bring us closer to Him and make giving and thanks part of our lifestyle, being Jesus to those around us.

8 Years Old

2011-12-18T09:28:00.000-06:00

It has been 8 years since I became a mother for the first time. Is he really that old??? Josiah Mark is now 8 years old!

This past year has been full for you! You are doing really well with school and your reading continues to improve. You are really sweet with Joy, and I look forward to seeing you with Timothy. You still building with anything you can get your hands on. You would LOVE a room full of legos! Your mouth never stops, especially in the car. :) You and Eli have a better relationship now, but you still have your moments. You and Katie Jo just fit. Neither of you remember life without the other. It is amazing to me how tall you are! You love to see how far up you are against me. It won't be long until you pass me by.

I look at you and wonder what amazing things God has in store for you. I am excited to see you grow through this next year. See you learn new things, and grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus.

Father God, I thank You for Josiah! I thank You for the privilege of being his mother. He is the first one that gave me that title. That day changed my life. I pray for Your blessings upon Josiah's life. May You enrich his faith. May You mold a thankful heart into him. May You keep him safe and healthy and growing. May You prepare him for Your call on his life. May You prepare his future wife for the call You have for their lives together. May they both grow into godly young people living their lives for Jesus. I pray, Lord, that Josiah would fall in love with Jesus. May You continue to grow him in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ his Lord and his Savior. Help me, Father, to be the mother that Josiah needs. Show me how to reach him where he is. Show me how to show him that I love him in a way that he understands. Mold me and help me cherish each moment I have with him. Thank You for a special young man! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Here are some pictures through the year...
Started with snow

One of your many buildings

Brothers

Big Big Brother

Best Buds

Had your first RA race

Waiting out the storms in April

You went to New Orleans

Went on your first RA campout with Dad.

You have gotten good on your scooter!

Hula Hoop King!

Flexible!!! Your legs are flat on the ground!

Joined the family of God!

Lost way too many teeth! LOL

First time playing flag football. You LOVED it!

More of your building concoctions.

Army man!

You were cold one morning and this is how you dressed for breakfast!

You are fun! I love you, Josiah!!!

20 Weeks

2011-12-08T20:38:00.000-06:00

We had our ultrasound today. Our newest little one looked wonderful. Everything measured good. We are praising God for His mercy and grace!!!!

Baby #6 will be called Timothy Joseph. :) Timothy means "gift of God". He truly is a gift of God. I wasn't one bit surprised that he was a he. I have had a feeling since day 1.

Also praising God that the placenta previa has cleared up! My placenta is still low in my uterus, but it is not covering the cervix at all. Thank You, Jesus!!!!

He is a picture of a picture of Timothy, and my 20 week picture...

The Day is Here...

2011-12-07T22:12:00.000-06:00

The words... Where are the words? I am at a loss for them.

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I have been waiting for this day, yet dreading it as well. I am excited, yet so scared.

Sunday morning in church, I let go. I told God that I really didn't want to walk a similar road to Janie Beth's, but I was willing. I would accept that journey again. Silent tears streaked down my face, and I really wanted to run to the bathroom and just bawl! I wanted to just run into the arms of Jesus and feel Him hold me. I was vunerable. I put myself completely and totally in God's hands. I let go...

I have slowly been picking it all back up. The fear, the worry, the wonder. Why do I do this to myself??? It doesn't change anything.

As the week has progressed things in our lives have started to fall apart. AH!!! My faith is stretched thin. I fear, worry, and wonder. Things were falling apart before Janie Beth too. Will God choose to answer my prayers by having me walk through another journey of loss???

I do not know the answer to this question. Even if the ultrasound tomorrow is good, that doesn't mean that we won't endure another journey of loss because one day we will. Loss is a part of life. That is a hard reality to accept sometimes.

How Janie Beth fills my thoughts right now!

I must change my perspective!

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

WOW! Instead of looking at all that I lost. I must remember that God hears my prayers! He always answers my prayers, and I must continue to call upon Him as long as I live. He is faithful!!! He has proven Himself over and over again.

I am only as poor as I think I am! Oh Lord, change my perspective!!! Please! I need a mind renewal. You have given me so much. Thank You! Thank You for the stones that I can look back on to see your faithfulness in my life! Thank You for Janie Beth and the amazing journey her life has brought me on. Thank You for this new little one and the blessings You have in store for us through his or her life. You hear me when I call. You set my feet in a broad place. You are on my side. I will not fear. (Ps. 118:5-6) You are mindful of me. You will bless me if I fear You. (Ps. 115:12-13) May I totally trust You, for You are my help and my shield. Who is like the Lord our God, who dwells on high, who humbles Himself to behold the things that are in the heavens and in the earth? (Ps. 113:5-6) What a mighty God!!!! No one but You can truly behold both things on earth and in heaven. You care about each and every thing. Thank You for caring about every detail of my life! I love You! May You continue to be glorified in my life and through my life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Moving... in multiple ways

2011-11-30T22:17:00.000-06:00

Life is purely crazy at the moment!!! God had things fall into place last Sun, Nov 20, in such a way that we are moving this week. We have been moving and are hoping to be done and have the all clean by Sunday evening. We have moved multiple times in the 9 yrs of our marriage (today is our 9th anniversary! Love you, Babe!!!!), but never have we done a slow move where smaller loads are taken daily. It is driving me crazy to have my house in such disarray! Do not ask Joey just how fun I have been to live with this week because you really don't want to know! ;) I will admit that my time with God has been entirely too short which has contributed to my stress level.

But, I believe that moving is affecting me emotionally as well. This is Janie Beth's house. All my memories of her are here. We are moving into another chapter of our lives. How does she fit in? She has a wonderful spot in the new house, and it is all set up (I'll take pics soon!). It looks great. But, this little move makes me wonder how she will fit in when we move when we get a job and move again. That will be a new world of people that don't know her story. Yet, her story is completely woven in our lives so she will defintely get known. It is just hard to move forward sometimes.

I also am amazed when I think of all Joey and I have been through in 9 yrs of marriage. We are making our 5th move since we got married. We have faced mountain tops and valleys! This move is a blessing, and God completely worked it out, but we are praying for God to move us to a church soon. We long to be serving in a church again. These 3 yrs of waiting have changed us and moved us further in our walks, and in our marriage. When we got married on November 30, 2002, I had no idea just who we would be and where we would be 9 yrs later!!! God has blessed us immensely!!! Our marriage is moving forward in ways we never could have imagined!

Our newest little one has been moving much more lately. I LOVE it!!!!! It brings a smile to my face, and sometimes a prick to my heart. We have our ultrasound next week, and I will admit that I am scared. I am praying that we see a healthy little one in there, and that everything looks great. But, I also know that that is not a guarantee. I truly want God's will done, but I also want mine done. I battle within myself quite often!! I know this little one is a blessing, and that God has a special plan for him or her in our family. I do not know how He plans to use this little one's life, but it will be for His glory!!! Thank You, Father, for that reminder!!!

So, we are moving in multiple ways. :) I am moving physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I pray that each and every move is according to God's will, and that they are each moving forward and upward. What a challenge that really is! How can I accomplish that? By looking to Jesus! Keep my eyes on Jesus; on the upward call of Christ. Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy or status quo. It is meant to grow and move.

I started this post with tears, and I am ending it with a smile. God met me here as I typed my heart. He gently reminded me of His perfect plan. He whispered to my heart that He is here and He loves me no matter what. What a wonderful, loving God we serve!!!!

Thank You, Abba! Thank You, Jesus!! There are really no other words to say. I love You! Thank You for moving in my life!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The Holidays Approaching...

2011-11-16T21:14:00.000-06:00

Bittersweet has become a word I use quite often. I use it right now to explain how the approaching holiday season feels. It is bittersweet, but in a different bittersweet way than last year's. I know that sounds crazy, and you all should know by now that I am a little bit crazy. ;)

Today marked 2 yrs since we had an u/s with our regular OB that showed Janie's limbs had not grown. Saturday marks a year since we went to UAB and saw the specialist. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 yrs!!! It seems like another life, yet it feels like a day ago as I can easily recall those days.

As I recall those days this year I am in a better place. I still miss Janie Beth with every part of my being, and I still yearn and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. It takes my breath away at moments. I cry at moments. But, the moments don't last as long, and I usually cry with a smile on my face. The yearning moments are the hard moments. There are certain pictures that make her more real to me, and those pictures bring a tear to my eye without a smile because I remember just how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I wonder what she would be like right now. Then, I picture, with my limited knowledge and imagination, how wonderful it is in heaven. I am thankful! That precious little girl called me to be a Mother.

Last year I was in a weird place. Joy Michelle was here already and I am so thankful that I had her to hold on those hard days. She took the ache out of my arms. Yet, I think i was somewhat numb. I just went through the motions. Perhaps to save myself some of the pain, I don't know. The holidays were just there. We endured them. We were blessed through them!

This year I am ready for the holidays. I want to embrace them with my children and watch the glow and delight on their faces. I want to make memories and teach them the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to live lives of thankfulness, not just a month of thankfulness. I want us to find ways to bless others. I want to celebrate my wonderful Savior who is pulling me through!

But, there is always a "but" isn't there :), being pregnant right now adds a whole new dimension to everything. I am beyond grateful to be pregnant right now and walk these days and weeks with a precious life in my womb. It is redeeming. It is healing. It is a struggle to be honest! I am fighting fear with this pregnancy that I did not fight with Joy Michelle's pregnancy. God in His mercy knew I could only handle so much last year, and He knew that Jesus and I could win this victory this year. I would have crumbled last year. This year I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms. I will feel and heal. My Redeemer only gives me what I can handle! AMEN! Now, if I would just remember that in those fearful moments. ;) Easier said than done sometimes.

This year the holidays will be different in other ways as well for our family. I do not know exactly what God is going to do, but I know He will come through because He always has in the past. It is scary, and I know that adds to my fear, but it is also exciting. Why!?! Why would this crazy woman say that it is exciting!?! Because it is God, and only God, and all God!!!! There is no me or us in this! I get to watch the hand of God move. How awesome is that!?! I have no idea where or when it is getting to move, but I know that it will. I will be like Abraham, who, contrary to hope, in hope believed (Romans 4:18).

Great and Mighty is the Lord our God! Thank You, Father, that I am in a better place. Thank You that You blessed my womb with Janie Beth. Thank You for the hope that we have in Jesus! Thank You for the Rock we have in Jesus. Thank You for the blessings You have in store for us. Thank You that You are making the path straight and smooth! You are awesome! I love You! May I come to love Jesus even more through this holiday season. May You draw me near to the heart of God. I don't want to miss the true meaning of Christmas, and I want to live a life of thankfulness at all times. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Balloons

2011-11-14T15:19:00.000-06:00

Where do balloons go that come into our house? Well, they go to Janie Beth, of course. :) Katie Jo went to a birthday party last Friday and she brought a balloon home, so she let it go on Saturday. Sometimes we attach cards or pictures to them, and she debated about sending the bracelet up that she had attached to it, but in the end she kept it. Here some pictures of Janie's latest balloon! It warms my heart that they still remember and talk about her.

Disclaimer: We are an Alabama football household, but Katie Jo has chosen to cheer for LSU because her Nana does. :) Joey tells her she is in rebellion.

80, House Mom, Leaves

2011-11-14T15:13:00.000-06:00

80!!!! That, my friends, is how many days of school we have accomplished!!!! Woo Hoo!!! Our goal is to get to 100 before we take off for Christmas.We finish up our school year with 140-160 days. It just doesn't take as long to accomplish everything at home. :) I hope to be done before baby gets here, and then we will take off until June or so and start next year up.

When I am done doing a few other things, I plan on getting together a Thanksgiving "unit" for the next week and a half. I also hope to start on our Christmas unit. We are doing Thankful Trees right now. Each family member has their own tree and they write things on pieces of paper (leaves) that they are thankful for and then glue them on their tree. It has been fun. I am planning on doing a Christmas Thankful Tree as well and we will write our thankful things on pieces of paper that will be ornaments.

Josiah is doing really well with his reading!! He is reading through a book about Red Foxes right now and he is really enjoying it. Math is still his strong subject, and he is breezing through it.

Katie Jo is getting better with reading. I will admit that many days I want to pull my hair out! If someone else would teach them to read, then I would take over from there. Haha!! She is doing really well with math as well. Her favorite thing is to craft. She comes up with her own masterpieces. :)

I was hoping to start drawing in Jan, but I'm not sure I will be able to get the supplies, so it may be summer before we get to that. And that is OK!!! We have slacked off on science the last couple of months. We did a little study with Chemistry, and I hope to do a butterfly garden in the spring. We will be doing history with Thanksgiving and Christmas. We will also be doing history after Christmas when we jump into "Samantha, An American Girl". I need to get started planning all that!!!

Eli is just doing his thing. LOL I'm not worried about him. He is picking up bits and pieces as he listens to the others.

We have started focusing on a verse a week to work on as a family. We started with Deuteronomy 6:4-5, then Proverbs 3:5-6, and this week we are doing 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18. I love sitting at the breakfast table going over the verses and discussing them. We started our scripture memorization with Psalm 23, and each morning we discussed a part of a verse.

I love being able to spend the day with my kids!!!!

Katie Jo came in the kitchen the other day and said she liked house moms. I asked her what that was. She said it is a mom that stays home and takes care of her kids and house. :) And she said she was glad that I was a house mom! Me too!!! If you ask me what my job is, then I will gladly tell you, "I am a house mom." :)

We have enjoyed the leaves falling! The kids have jumped in them a few times already, and hopefully we will get a few more jumps in before they are all shredded up. LOL I love when the wind blows and it looks as though it is raining leaves. What a wonderful work God has made!!!

Sorry for them being blurry! I usually do better at action shots, but they were just too fast for me that day. :)

16 Weeks

2011-11-12T08:44:00.000-06:00

Almost half-way!!! I had a doc appointment Thursday and baby's heartbeat was 155. Baby is moving around more and all of the movement is low. Every movement brings a smile to my face and a warm feeling of gratitude to my heart. I am still in awe that God has blessed my womb with this little one. We go back to the doctor Dec. 8 for our ultrasound. I am praying for a healthy baby!!!

We have been throwing names around, but haven't decided on anything for sure yet. We are closer to a boy name than a girl name. At the moment Timothy Joseph, and Philip Joseph are the boy names in the running. The girl name will somehow incorporate Jane or Beth, but other than that we don't know anything. LOL I keep praying for God to show us the name He has for this little one. (just a funny... everytime I tried to type Joseph I kept typing Josiah LOL)

At 12 wks we found out I have partial placenta previa. I haven't had any more issues since around 14 wks or so, so I am praying that it has cleared up! We will check on it when we have the ultrasound done.

Here is my latest belly picture. It was taken at 16 wks.

Pigtail Girls!!!

2011-11-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

It amazes me just how much hair Katie Jo had at a year old!!! The last pictures was when she was just over a year! Gotta love Joy Schelle's hair in the first pic! She pulled her ponytail out.

Joy Schelle is 1

2011-11-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe that last Wed, Oct 26, Joy Schelle turned 1!!!!! She is still such a joy to be around, although her Karr temper is beginnin to show a little. :) She is still a good little girl. She is getting louder as a talker. LOL She must be heard!

You have grown so much this year! You started at 6 lb 3 oz, 19 in, and you are now up to 19 lb 5 oz, 28.5 in.

Eating your birthday breakfast...

You started pulling up just a couple weeks before your birthday. It only took you a little over a day to figure out how to get back down, and within the week you were cruising. :) You will now walk while holding my hands. We are in trouble now! You are having a hard time with the fact that you can't do whatever you want, hence the temper beginning show.

Here you are the first day you pulled up!

You were a great supporter for your siblings at Upward football and cheerleading.

You swung at the park for the first time and LOVED it!!! I should have known you would since you loved the swing so much as an infant.

You ate spaghetti for the first time!! And you had no adverse reaction to tomato! So far you have had no problems with food, but we have not tried milk or egg yet.

You took your first drive. :) You thought you were hot stuff!

Perhaps some road rage? LOL She was actually just talking.

You are fussing because Josiah is in the car too.

You have allowed your skin to touch the grass. You even crawl in it now!

Sweet potatoes are your favorite food!

You went on an Above Rubies retreat with Mommy. It was great! And you behaved pretty good as long as I was with you, or in eye sight.

You are exploring every part of the house now.

You flash an awfully cute smile!

It won't be long and you will be building forts with your siblings. You love outside as much as they do!

I am so thankful that God let us bring you home to be a part of our family here on earth! You have blessed us beyond measure. I love you, sweetness!

Fall

2011-10-19T22:08:00.000-05:00

Fall. Wow how that word stirs my soul. I first wrote it as the season of Fall, but then I realized that it means so much more for me. The season of Fall makes me fall. Crazy as it sounds, I fall more in love with Janie Beth as we enter the season that was so full of her, knowing that winter isn't that far away. I seek to fall more in love with Jesus as I fall back into grief. It is grief of a different phase, but I fall there regardless. I miss her still. She is in the wind as I seek to feel her in my arms because she just breezes through them. She is in the leaves falling. She was here for such a short time. Her leaves fell so quickly.

I picture my kids falling into a pile of leaves. I can hear their laughter. I wonder. But, there is a smile because I know that is what she is doing. I look at my kids and I marvel at the gifts that have been given me. I fall at my Father's feet because I feel so unworthy and thankful. I felt those first obvious kicks today, while singing in church, and I thought of Janie Beth and how church was her place to kick too. How special to have those memories. God is good!

When I was choosing Janie's decoration for her grave for the Fall, I wanted very much to have something about thanks on it. I looked for quite some time before I found the right one. I pray that I will give thanks to the Lord!

I'm not sure that anything I said in this post made sense, but that is what was on my heart.

Yet Again...

2011-10-19T21:56:00.000-05:00

So, here I sit on another Wed night pouring my heart out to God. You see, Joey is leading the College Bible study at church on Wed nights from 8:30-10, so I have plenty of God time after the kids go to bed. I miss Joey being here, but I am enjoying these special times with God. They do not happen often enough, and that is all my fault! Something I need to work on, and I am hoping the clocks moving back and getting the sun up before 7:30 will help with that. :)

Anyways... I was pouring out my heart again. I was telling God how weary I am of the waiting and wandering. This desert is getting old. Every time it looks like we are coming up on land, it turns out to be a mirage. As we walk along the hall and knock on each door it turns out they are all locked. Will it ever be the real thing? I pleaded and begged that God would just show us the next step. I told Him that I feel like He is right there and I can feel His breathe, but not His arms. It is like when you are kid and your parents are teaching you to swim and they keep backing up because they know you can go further. That is exactly what I feel like God is doing. He keeps backing up pushing me to come further. I need endurance and perseverance to finish this race!

I asked God to speak to me through His Word, well, beg would be a better word. LOL And you know what!?! He did!!! I decided last week that I would start reading through Psalms, but start in the back because I never make it all the way through. :) Joey suggested starting in the 5th book of Psalms (it is divided up into 5 books). So, I have been reading through Psalm 107 the last few nights. I opened it up, and low and behold here is what the next verse said...

And He led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:7

He will lead us in the right way!!! He will bring us out of this wilderness and into a city, our promised land, where we can dwell and serve with Him!

Let me back up to verse 4 so you can get the whole effect. I am telling you this Psalm is right where I am, and I have only made it through the first 9 verses!

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried out ot the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forthe by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:4-7

But, you can't stop there! Verse 8 tells us to be thankful! I definitely expressed my thanks after reading verse 7 before I even looked at verse 8.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. Ps 107:8-9

One of my sacrifices right now in the wilderness is thanksgiving. I am to be thankful when it is hard to be thankful! The thing is there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to look!! He is doing wonderful works in our midst daily, just His provision for our family is an amazing work! He will satisfy our longing souls more than we could ever imagine. He is just awesome like that. He loves me! Jesus knows my name. It is written on His palm because He is my Savior! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Abba, Abba! Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Just wispering Your name brings a peace to my heart. Thank You for meeting me again right where I am. No, You didn't show me the next step to take. But, You did show me Your promise that You will lead me in the right way. You will bring us to a city to dwell in. May You continue to draw us closer. I want to love You, Jesus, more and more. Show what I am to be doing as I wait. May I not waste this time. Thank You for showing me that the first thing I am to be doing is trusting You! You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, and in You I put my trust. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

And God...

2011-10-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going to be completely honest. I have not been in the best place lately. I have felt as though I am standing in the mud and I am surrounded by fog. The mud is weighing my feet down where I don't feel as though I have enough energy to take a step, and I don't have a clue which way to take a step because the fog is so thick I can't see more than a few inches in front of me.

How did I get here? I am not totally sure, but I know it doesn't take long to get here. You just have to stick your toe in the crack of the door and before you know it the door is wide open. I think there are several things that have contributed. For some reason I have more nerves this pregnancy than my last pregnancy. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that life is so uncertain right now. Which is another contributor. We are coming up on 3 yrs without a job in November. I am amazed that we have been in this place for this long!!! I am weary. I long for God to open a door; to shed some light; to be Big! I feel forgotten. I wonder if our lives will be like this forever. (When I let my thoughts start running away like this, it is so easy to spiral down!!! I need to find my trusty Bible verse notebook to pull out during these moments!)

I also feel as though I have stopped cherishing life. I have built my trusty walls back up!! This makes me so mad because I really thought God and I had done some work on tearing them down after Janie Beth died. I pray that they are not as thick this time, and though the battle will be hard, we will begin to tear them down for good this time. These walls affect most every area of my life, and I am ready for these chains to be broken once and for all! I think the hugeness (is that even a word LOL) of this battle has been looming before me and instead of going into it, I have been running. :O This, of course, pushes God away! It starts a horrible cycle! I run, so I don't do my prayer and quiet times, so I distance myself from God and feel more alone, so I run harder because there is no way I can fight this battle without Him and He is not close enough, so then I do less prayer and quiet time, ect. ect.!

I admitted to a couple friends tonight that I haven't been doing my times like I should, and I guess being open with others convicted me more! Then, I went and read an amazing blog post (here). It spoke to me down deep. I decided I was off to spend some time with God and read Psalm 113 for myself. Well, I should have known God would have other plans. :)

I opened my Bible to the Psalms. I was flipping back to find 113 and came across some verses that I had underlines in Psalm 138. BAM! There was God!!! He was waiting for me. He has been waiting ever so patiently for me to realize the error of my ways and run back to Him instead of away from Him.

Verse 8 The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands.

WOW!! God is going to perfect that which concerns me!!!! He knows everything that is going on in my life. He knows my deepest desires and fears. He is going to perfect that job He has for our family. He is going to perfect His call on my life. He will help me tear down these walls!!! I already have victory in Jesus, so I should not fear failure. Setbacks, yes, but ultimate failure, no not unless I choose to quit the battle. God has a purpose for my life. He knows the kind of woman, wife, and mother I want to be, and He wants even more than that for me! He will do it! His mercy endures forever as I fall and trip and stumble throughout the battle. He will uplift when I fall and catch me when I trip. He will give me all that I need. He is working! We are going to conquer this promise land that He has for me! What a Mighty God we serve!!!! He will not stop working on me until I get to Heaven. Thank You, Father!!!!

Father God, more than anything I ask for Your forgiveness for my fear and my running away; for my lack of faith and my selfishness. May You wash me white as snow through the precious blood of Jesus. Pick me up and wipe me off. My life is still surrounded by fog as I have no idea what the future holds or what steps You have next for us, but I will stand on Your promises. You are working all things together for our good and Your glory! You are never going to leave us! You are going to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. I am ready for the battle, Father. I will put on Your armor. I am ready to attack these walls and be free from the bondage and live my life to the fullest through Jesus Christ. I am Yours! Mold me, fill me, use me, change me! Thank You for loving me so much! Thank You for waiting for me. You never moved, only me. You stood firm gently calling. Thank You!!! I need You. Thank You that You are going to perfect that which concerns me!!! You are Awesome! You are Mighty to Save! I love You, Abba!!! Draw me close to You. I want to fall more in love with You. Thank You for this battle so that You can do just that in my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

11 Months

2011-09-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

Really this is Joy Schelle's 10 & 11 month old catch up because I never wrote her 10 month one. Oops! She weighed 16 lb 11 oz and 26 in at her 9.5 month check up. She has a Karr head and it jumped up, but we aren't concerned at this point. She is just following in Josiah's footsteps. :)

Joy Schelle, you have really come into your personality the last couple months! Your biggest accomplishment is crawling, which you did one week ago today. I was fixing Katie Jo's hair for church and you came crawling down the hallway. You are on the go now. You got where you wanted to go before, but it was by rolling, sitting up, turning around, ect. It would take quite some time for you to accomplish your goals. You are still content to stay in one place for a bit and play even though you are on the go now.

You have become quite the jabber box! Once again following in Josiah's footsteps. :) You "talk" on whatever toy you pick up. The first words out of your mouth on your "phone" are "hi da". You LOVE Dad!!! He isn't allowed to leave a room you are in without acknowledging your presence and giving you some attention. If we are up and he is still in bed, every time you hear the bed move or Dad cough, you say "da". It is so cute! You have stopped saying "ma", but in time I will wish you hadn't remembered it. lol You have added "bye" to the mix of words and you wave really well now.

You share a room with all your siblings now, and the first night together you misbehaved the most! You were busy busy talking to them all. :) You have been taking 3 naps a day until just this last week. We are now down to 2. You are sleeping better at night too. YEAH!

You have become a food lover. You now eat 3 meals as well as nursing. We just added corn a couple days ago, and you love it! So far you have liked whatever I have put on your plate. You aren't following in Josiah's footsteps on that one, more like Katie Jo and Eli.

You still love outside! You will sit and look out the front door. It won't be long and you'll be out back with your big siblings building forts.

You still bring us lots of joy! I love to squeeze your round body. Your big smile brightens up the room! I can't believe you are almost 1 yr old! I love you sweetness!

Here are some pictures from the last couple months. You will notice that we don't keep bows in our hair very well these days. :)
A rare picture with Mom...

Yep, I'm short! My favorite toy at church.

Mom, we just got up!

They will be partners in crime!

Cheering Bama on!

Reading

Nevermind, let's try osmosis! :)

Her position while she nurses on the right side! Cracks me up.

She kept wanting more and made this face every time.

Precious blue eyes!

Love my big sister!

April 25, 2012

2011-09-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

That is our official due date!!! We are 9 wks 1 day today. Baby waved at us during the u/s :). We saw both arms and legs and everything looks good. I really could cry! Tears of gratitude that God gave me the desire of my heart. Praying all continues to go well.

Here is a picture of our cutie! For some crazy reason blogger loaded it sideways! The head is on the right.

My Life

2011-09-02T21:43:00.000-05:00

I just went back and read through my blog posts from last year, at least a large percentage of them. What comes to mind after reading them is that this is really my life. Are you sure? Did I really walk through all of that? Am I really this far down the road?

Janie Beth seems like a blink of an eye. Joy Michelle seems like she has always been here. God has done a mighty work in my heart after losing Janie Beth by bringing Joy Michelle into my life. I forgot just how many of Joy's milestones fell on big days for Janie Beth. He really does redeem us!

I realized last night just how much I have let fear come in this pregnancy. It seems as though it is more than with Joy, but I am not sure because I didn't type during the first trimester with her. There are dates this time around that will fall very close to Janie Beth's dates. I will also be pregnant on her days rather than having an infant to hold. The first similarity is a dinner I am going to later this month. The last time I went to this dinner at church I was pregnant with Janie and had no clue of the journey that I would be on. It makes me wonder if the journey I am embarking on will be painful like hers. Yes, this is where my crazy mind goes!!!

I am also fighting fear because I do not go to the OB until the 22nd! That is still 3 wks away!! If you go by the due date they have given me, then I will 11 wks at my appointment. I have never gone in that late. I fear going in and the baby having stopped a few weeks before. I have been there, and I do not want to be there again. In my exhaution I am having a hard time giving things over to God. :/

I cried out to Him tonight before I came and read through my blog. Of course my cries were the same as always. Why do I always find myself in the same boat!?! I want to break down my walls! I want to love and cherish! I want God to create in me a clean and pure heart from nothing because that is all that is in there. I need help because I do not know how to conquer this Promised Land!! He is gracious and He will show me the way! He will help me tear down these walls that I so easily throw up. He has an awesome plan.

I am embarking on a new pregnancy with a new journey that still points back to Janie Beth. God has more healing for me through this journey. I pray that I will embrace this pregnancy and cherish every moment! I haven't been doing that because I figure that if I don't then it won't hurt as much if it doesn't go well. What craziness!! I need to LET GO and LET GOD!!! I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say!

Once again we are diving deeper. I am excited but I also know it is going to be some hard work! I have roots that go down DEEP that need to be pulled up and tossed out. God has a plan for me because He loves me, and it is for my good and His glory! It is awesome!!

Abba Father, thank You for calling me deeper again! I love You and I want nothing more than to fall in love with You more. Take my heart and make it entirely Yours. Thank You for the amazing journey of Janie Beth and Joy Michelle that You continue to bring me on. Thank You for the new journey with this new precious little one that You have placed in my womb. I am blessed beyond measure. I give You my fears. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. Write my faith. May You be glorified through me. Pull out the ugly weeds from my garden by the roots and make my garden the beauty that You intended it to be. And please keep me out of the way! I know I hinder Your work in me more than anything or anyone else. Your will be done in my life and heart! Thank You!!!!!!!

Tears...

2011-08-20T09:43:00.000-05:00

Tears have been so close to the surface for me since Wednesday! Not tears of pain tho; tears of joy. I am completely overwhelmed with emotion. God has brought me on such a journey since we learned of Janie Beth's condition. He has changed me in so many ways! He has called me to the awesome call of motherhood! (Yes, I know I already had 3 children, but I hadn't answered that call yet.) Having Joy Schelle brought me even deeper in my journey as I continued to look at my heart and ask God to make me what He wanted. He knows the desires of my heart, and the fact that He delights in me and wants to give me the desires of my heart brings tears to my eyes!!! He was so gracious to give us Joey Schelle, and I am thankful beyond words that He has chosen to bless my womb again!

I was asked the question if I thought this pregnancy would be easier since having Joy Schelle. Let me tell you, this has been on my mind ever since!!! I have been pondering it in my heart constantly. I think in some ways, maybe many, it will be easier, but I also know that in some ways it will not. Pregnancy is all, almost, that I had with Janie Beth, and there are points in my pregnancy that are hard and flood me with memories! It isn't only Janie Beth's journey that makes pregnancy hard. I have had 2 early miscarriages and I know that I am not exempt from having more. Getting out of the first trimester brings relief, but then the "big" ultrasound looms ahead. It is not a gender u/s for me. It is an is my baby fit to survive outside the womb u/s for me. It is a chance to make sure every part is in fact there and it is working the way it should u/s for me!!! Then, once I hit 28 wks is when Janie Beth's memories really hit. I just try to enjoy and cherish every moment!! I don't want to have any regrets. I am not sure exactly how this journey will go, but I know it will be different that Joy Schelle's pregnancy.

I am filled to overflowing! I have to pray constantly and give things over to God daily, and sometimes hourly. I am still trying to lay all at His feet and completely trust Him. He is the One that is really in control! His plans are good and He will be glorified!!!

Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Abba! You are awesome and gracious; merciful and loving. I love You! May You be glorified through this pregnancy. May You continue to form this precious little one in Your image. You watch each and every part being formed and make sure everything is exactly as You want. It brings tears to my eyes to know that Your hands are working so majestically in my womb! I stand in awe of You! You are powerful and mighty; You do great and unsearchable things. Thank You for allowing me to be a part of Your amazing plans! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Joey's Present

2011-08-17T20:50:00.000-05:00

Today is Joey's birthday!!! :) We made him pancakes for breakfast. We washed his car. He grilled steaks for lunch (yes, we made him cook on his birthday :)).

I also gave him a present. It was a stick that I peed on!!!! ;) Who could ask for a better present than that!?! God is filling Joey's quiver. We are blessed! We are growing!! Isn't that our word for the year! Who knew the amazing ways God had in store for us to grow.

Yes, we are excited! Yes, we know how it happens. Yes, we are trying to make our own sports team. ;) God is gracious and we are thankful! We will bring in the season of Spring with new life! Joey got to find out on his birthday, and I just might get an awesome birthday present too! :) (My b-day is April 4, and we should be due April 15-20 or so.)

As always, your prayers are appreciated. Pregnancy draws me closer to Janie Beth because the majority my memories with her are pregnancy memories. I am so thankful that God saw fit to fill my womb again. He has called me to the high calling of Mother. There are no words to describe how that makes me feel. I am blessed beyond measure. I didn't realize just how blessed I was until I had Janie Beth and felt the true calling of motherhood upon my life.

Joey Karr, thank you for being my beloved!!! Thank you for being an awesome Daddy to our kids!! Thank you for letting God have control. I wouldn't want to walk this hard, but amazing journey with anyone else. God is big and doing awesome things in our midst. I love you!!! I am so glad He formed you in your mother's womb. :) Hard to believe that God even thought of me while He was making you. He is amazing like that!!

Water

2011-08-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

It is a nice Saturday and the door bell rings... Our neighbor was nice enough to come and tell us that there was water shooting out of our front yard! Last year this happened and the utility company just put a temporary fix on it and said they would be back in a couple weeks to finish. Well, they never came! The temporary fix wasn't fixing the problem anymore. We gave them a call and they came out eventually and fixed it up. Meanwhile, while we waited 2 more folks stopped to tell us about the water spraying out of our front yard and the kids had fun in the free sprinkler!!! They got to play in water twice Saturday because we played in the rain that morning before the thunder came. :) Here are some pics, but they aren't that good because they were taken on my phone. Our camera will be mailed in this week, hopefully, and prayerfully they will fix it!!

Joey moved his car out of the way.

The gutter pool!!!! LOL

Born Again

2011-08-02T19:45:00.000-05:00

Josiah was born again into the Family of God on July 4, 2011!!! :) God is good!!! He was baptized 2 wks later on July 24. We followed church with a cook out at our house for immediate family members. It just so happened that Joey's oldest brother, John, and his wife, Suzanne, happed to come into town on the 23rd; and Joy, Heather, Sam, and Eliana were in town too!! We were only missing Judy, Niles, and their clan due to church responsibilities. I had no idea my house could hold 25 people!! LOL We had a good time.

Joey and I are so proud of Josiah. We are excited to see what all God has planned for his life. He is very keen on whether you are going to Heaven or Hell right now. :) He even pronounced to Eli that he was going to Hell. I had to explain that Eli is only 4. ;)

Dear Jesus, I thank You for dying that Josiah might have life! I thank You for writing his faith and opening his eyes. May You continue to mold him and prepare him for Your calling on his life. May the fruit of the Holy Spirit begin even now to be sown and grown. May Josiah fall head over heals in love with You and live a life of wholehearted devotion for You. Lord, may he be a godly witness to his siblings and all those around him. May You always be there to support him as his name says, Jehovah supports. Lord, I place him in Your amazing, loving, capable hands. May You make Josiah into a man of God after Your own heart. Thank You for calling me to be his mother!!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Here are some pictures from his baptism...

Joey had the honor of baptizing him.

Waiting

Thank You Abba for saving my first born son!!! We love you, Josiah!!

GOD

2011-07-30T20:31:00.000-05:00

Thank YOU, Abba!!!

Thank You for the storm! Thank You for making a way! Thank You for loving me! Thank You for washing me clean through this storm! Thank You that the lightning and thunder are breaking me down and giving You the freedom to mold me as You see fit! Thank You for the rain that You have brought into my life. Thank You for loving me enough to bring the storm and to take the time to revamp this old piece of pottery that was useless! May I only be usefull through Your strength! Father, I need You. Thank You for bringing me this far. I know the storm isn't over and this won't be the last storm I will walk through, but I thank You for being right beside me the whole time and cheering me on and beckoning me to come closer. Thank You for calling me to be Janie Beth's mother. Thank You for calling me to mother Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Joy Schelle. Thank You for calling me to be Joey's wife. Thank You for calling me at all to do anything! I never could have imagined all that You have done in me. I needed a Savior more than I could have ever realized. I cannot put into words how thankful I am for Janie Beth and the amazing journey she has brought me on. Neither can I put into words how thankful I am that You were gracious enough to lend me Joy Schelle to raise. Thank You for the journey Joey and I, and the kids, are on with the evangelism ministry and whatever else You have in store for us. We can't imagine the wonderful things You have planned for us. In the storm it is hard to see, but I will look back to the rainbows You have provided and I will believe. Thank You for loving my family and bring us through this storm. Make us what You want us. Make our desires Your desires. May we be a family after Your own heart. May we fall in love with You! Thank You for always being there for us! You are the same yesterday, today, and forever!!!! You are great and mighty!!! You are awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Please break my chains completely and set me completely free. Thank You for Your grace! Thank You for Your mercy! Thank You for being I AM! You are all we will ever need. Thank You for my family! Thank You for calling us deeper! We knew it wouldn't be easy, but it is blessed, even if the blessings are different than expected. May we never miss one of Your blessings!

Lord, break this fallow ground. Circumcise my heart. Be big! I want to sow bountifully so that Your kingdom will reap bountifully!! I love You, Jesus, shine through me.

Thank You, Abba!!! Thank You Jesus!!

9 Months Old

2011-07-30T20:14:00.000-05:00

9 months! It is one of the "big" milestones in the first year. Hard to believe it has been that long. Joy Schelle is still a sweet happy baby. She talks more now, but it is a quiet little voice. She is sitting up great and manages to move about a tiny bit while sitting. She does roll around some too. She isn't crawling yet, but you are working on figuring out how to get from sitting to laying. You roll around a ton in the bed before going to sleep. I believe you are practicing new tricks. :) Last night you actually stood up while leaning against the stool. I was amazed because you wouldn't stand up for the longest time when we were holding you up. You stood there with your bootie sticking out like you were trying to sit down! It was so cute!! (really wish I had a pic!) You are still nursing and getting bits of banana or apple.

You have a great big smile! You are a precious little girl. The last couple days you have hugged me tight when I picked you up. I LOVE it! We are so blessed to have you in our family.

Here are your pics from the last month.
9 months old

She still doesn't reach the floor. :)

Love Nana's bed.

Love these tiny feet! They are still a size 2.

Having fun at Nana's while Mom and Dad went out.

Watching the Braves at Nana's

She was having a ball with the covers of Eli's pallet at Nana's.

After loading these I realized that every one of them is at Nana and Poppa's house! Can you tell we have spent lots of time over there this summer. LOL There has been quite a bit of swimming going on, and we spent most of the last week there because our a/c was broken at home.

Long Lost Picture

2011-07-22T07:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was pulling up the internet to let Josiah play on pbskids.org, and Eli saw a long lost picture we didn't know was lost!

I had a blog up that I wanted to write some things from and this picture was on it.

He exclaimed, "Is that Daddy a long time ago when he was a girl"? LOL!!!!!

The night before we were at dinner and Eli said the blessing. These are his words, "God, please let this food go somewhere. Amen"

A bit later at dinner that night I was singing that God has a plan for us. Joey says I wish He would show us. To which Eli replies, "but He isn't". HA!

What would we do without Eli!?!

Curriculum 2011-2012

2011-07-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

When people ask me what our curriculum is this year I think I need to ask them how long they have to listen. LOL We are a hodge podge this year.

Devotion: Leading Little Ones to God

Bible: AWANA
Bible Stories A-Z
I am trying to coordinate all of this and really use it, not just memorize the verses.

Character: Peacemaking Skills for Little Kids
Our 24 Family Ways

Phonics:
Josiah: Primary Language Lessons & reading aloud
Katie Jo: My Father's World 1st grade
Eli: learning one letter a week using the Bible Stories A-Z

Math:
Josiah & Katie Jo: moving to Singapore we think. It is on its way in the mail.
Eli: recognizing at least 1-10

Science:
Science Wiz Chemistry: Solids, Liquids, Gases (lasts about 4-5 wks)
My Father's World science (Usborne books)

History:
Planning on taking a month and doing a study on "Little House in the Big Woods"
Taking a couple weeks and going a Highlights Top Secret Adventure
(no science during these studies)

Extras:
Drawing with Children
Crafts here and there to do with Bible story
Thankful notebooks
Life Skills (chores)

We will not do every subject every day. The devotion, Bible, and character are definite daily activities. We are planning on utilizing Burritt Museum come the fall as well. The last week and a half we have found a good routine that is working for the time being, but I am sure it will change as the year goes. :) We are growing this year and that takes the ability to go with the flow and change. :)

2011-2012 School Year

2011-07-18T09:08:00.000-05:00

Our school year kicked off July 6. Josiah is in 2nd grade; Katie Jo is in 1st grade; and Eli is in Pre-K. Joy Schelle is just along for the ride. :) She tends to nap during school. We have been in full swing the last week and a half.

Saturday began some allergy issues for me, so I am trying not to talk much today in hopes that I will be much better on Wed. No that isn't a typo! We aren't doing school on Tuesdays until next week because I am doing a Bible study. So, I am here typing since the kids are playing well together and it doesn't require talking. :)

I am really excited about this year! We are trying to lay our foundation for our family; not only in the basics of phonics and such but also spiritually and characterly (new word LOL). One of the main character traits we are hoping to conquer, at least in small steps, is self-control. :O Along those lines is obedience also.

When I went to my trusty white board to see how to accomplish this, God amazed me!

We started in 2 Peter1:5-7
But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to irtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.

So, obviously there are a few things we have to go through in order to get to self-control. It isn't first on the list!

FAITH:
What is faith?
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the eveidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Where does it come from? God, Jesus
God has dealt to each one a measure of faith Romans 12:3
Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith Hebrews 12:2

What is part in instilling faith in my children? How?
So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Romans 10:17
Immerse them in Scripture!!! Hide it in their hearts.

VIRTUE:
What does it mean?
conduct that agrees with what is morally right

What does God say?
I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

God has given each one faith and He then wants us to walk worthy.

How do we know how to walk worthy?
In Ephesians He tells us with lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, bearing with one another, and trying to keep unity and peace. That is a tall order!

How do we learn how to do those things?? In comes the next word in the list...

KNOWLEDGE:
grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 3:18

GROW! That is our word for the year, and this is our verse for the year!!! I just stood in amazement at how God brings everything together! He called us to this before we even started the school year. He knew that we would need to lean on this verse in multiple ways this year. In order to build our foundation we have to grow.

SELF-CONTROL:
How do we grow self-control? The Holy Spirit grows it!
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Do I have a part?
I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20
I must crucify my ego!! It is not "I"!

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Matthew 24:16
I have to deny myself.

Self-control is self-denial! I am yeilding to Jesus and allowing Him to reign in me. This is not an easy task! It is a long task that will last my entire life... which leads to...

PERSEVERANCE:
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, Hebrews 12:1

We are to run the race with endurance. We can look at those who went before us and finished well. This verse leads right into Hebrews 12:2 that God showed me at the very beginning of this journey in His word. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I am to look to Jesus! I am to look at the joy that is set before me! What is the joy set before me?? Taking up my cross of discipling my children; of breaking down my walls and denying myself in order to be Jesus to others. I am praying that I will run this race with endurance so that my children may look to me as a witness that went before them that they can look to. I pray that they will live lives full of wholehearted faith and devotion in Jesus totally in love with Him! May this be true of me as well!!

This is a high calling, but the calling of motherhood is high! It is a calling of self-denial. This journey through the word that God started me on as I was seeking to teach my children ended up teaching me and showing me what I need to do. The best way to teach my children is by example. This growing will not be easy, but how beautiful the garden will look when it is Jesus flowers that are growing instead of Michelle flowers.

I don't know what all God has in store for us this school year, but I know He is going to grow us all in the grace and knowledge of Jesus!

Thank You, Abba, for the privilege of teaching my children! May You continue Your good work in me and mold me. Break down the walls around my heart. Thank You that Your burden is light and Your yoke is easy. I choose today to deny myself and take up my cross. May You help me. May You lead me. May You bless this new school year. May You plant seeds and water them and grow them as we learn more of Jesus and hide Your word in our hearts. I give this year to You. Thank You for the many blessings You are going to bring our way. May we use them to bless You. I love You! Thank You for loving me so much. Thank You for meeting me and talking to me through Your word! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Here is my summary that I hope to put up somewhere so that I remember all year what God has taught me.

Faith --> live morally right --> by learning about Jesus --> have self-control to walk worthy --> endure the race --> looking to Jesus

18 Month

2011-07-03T21:06:00.001-05:00

Hard to believe that I just typed "18 months"!!! I can just imagine how cute you would have been toddling around our house at 18 months. I do wonder what your laugh would sound like and how your hugs would feel. I also wonder just how amazing it is up there in Heaven! I can't begin to imagine how wonderful it is. I would never ever want to call you back from there. But, I do long to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and tell you "I love you". You are etched forever in my heart and you are on my mind each and every day.

I will say that I am doing well. I am happy and blessed! I still have days that are sad or hard, and circumstances that are hard. I even have moments within a good day that might take my breath away. But, overall I am in a good place. You, Janie Beth, have made me appreciate what all I have. I am amazed that God gave you to me. I am amazed that God gave me your 4 siblings to raise. I am amazed that God gave me your Daddy to walk through this life with. I am amazed at the many blessings God has and continues to give me. You have swelled my heart to overflowing, Janie Beth!

Thank You, Abba, for chosing me to be Janie Beth's mommy! It is a hard hard road to walk, but it is a road that I get to walk with You. It is a road that molds me into what You want me to be. It is the road that You have chosen for me. It is the road that I am called to, and I know that You will equip me for whatever You call me to do. You, Lord, are changing me! It is painful and hard, but necessary. Without Your calling to be Janie Beth's mother I wouldn't know You like I do, and for that I thank You! Thank You for blessing me. Thank You for getting me through the last 18 months and for continuing to get me through each and every day. It is by Your grace that I awake in the morning and lay my head down to rest at night. I love You! May You continue to break down the walls around my heart and mold me into the woman You have called me to be. May You continue to bless Janie Beth's journey through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

6-8 Months

2011-07-03T20:46:00.000-05:00

I have totally fallen off the ball and haven't put up Joy Schelle's update in 3 months! :O I am going to do my best to recap because I hope to print this out in book form one day. :)

6 Months
You really didn't start much new during your 6th month. You were still laid back and just a go with the flow kind of gal. You were getting close to sitting up, but hadn't gotten there yet. You love sleep!

You had bananas a couple times, but that is it. You weren't sure at first, but you got the hang of it.

Here are your 6 month pictures...

Laughing

Looks like she is saying "cheese" :)

This is how well it went getting her monthly picture with Little Janie. LOL

Easter

Going after the bear.

Hair after bathtime. :P

Eating bananas

7 Months

You had your 6 month check up at 7 months. You were 16 lb 1.5 oz and 26 in. You starting sitting up well, and you could roll over if you wanted to. :) You were amazing on the car trip to New Orleans!!! You are my nice round snuggle bug. Your demeanor is still just sweet and calm. You are still a Mama's girl!!

Here is your 7 Month picture.

Sitting with Aunt Abby

She loves to sleep with Baby on her head.

Playing at Kid's Space

8 Months

You are still a Mama's girl, but you love when Daddy comes in the room or is around! You watch him and get so excited. :) You still have bananas from time to time, but that is it. You started rolling around on the floor, but it is only back and forth for the most part. There are times that you will roll multiple times in one direction. You manage to move about your bed now too. You have mastered sitting up. You have also become quite the chatterbox!!!! You are making up for all those months of not talking. LOL I guess you realized that you couldn't make it in this loud family without putting in your 2 cents worth. You definitely make yourself known! You haven't cut any teeth, but you are chewing on everything. You love the pool!! You will be joining Eli and Katie Jo in the water club.

You hung out with me in the sling the week of Bible School and were our class mascot. All the kids loved you, especially Luke! Thankfully, you hadn't started talking much at that time or you would've been a distraction. You go in the nursery on Sunday morning and all the workers love you. You are our sweetness. I love to squeeze you! You brighten up all our days around here. All of your big siblings still adore you! We shall see how they feel once you are getting in their stuff. LOL It is fun watching your personality come out even more, but it is sad that you are growing so fast!

Here are your 8 months pictures...
With Little Janie (Man, have you grown!)

My view from the sling. :)

With cousin Gwyn

Sportin' my ponytail at the library.

I could just eat you up! You are so cute!! :)

Eli is 4!!

2011-07-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

First off, I am going to apologize to Eli because he turned 4 on May 21 and I am just now typing his post. :/ Typing just falls further down the list most days.

Eli! Just typing your name brings a smile to my face. You are such a pill and you keep me on my knees, but man I love you, crazy little boy! You are full of energy. You say something humorous every day. You wear your shoes on the wrong feet 95% of the time, and you like it like that. :) Your underwear is often times backwards and inside out. LOL Your attire consists of 3 different football shirts; 2 New York Giants and 1 Alabama. You are going to play football for AL. You love to play outside. You join Katie Jo in the dirt and mud. You start sweating as soon as you walk out the door, but you keep on going. You are Poppa's special helper outside and are sometimes the only one out there talking to him while he grills. You have become quite the swimmer this summer as well! You started out having to hold fast to Nana or Abby, but now you are off on your own in your own little world having an awesome time. Yet again, you have become like your big sister. :)

You really are sweet, but you have a mean streak a mile wide, especially where your brother and sister are concerned. You love them both and you and Josiah will play really good together, but then you do a 180 at the drop of a hat. :) But, Josiah and Katie Jo are your protectors! They watch out for you. You love Joy Schelle, but being easy is a little difficult for you sometimes. You had to proclaim to her that you aren't mean because she would start crying as soon as you got near her for a while. You ask to go visit Janie Beth quite often and talk about wishing she was here. You sent your birthday balloons to her.

You LOVE Cubbies!!! It starts back in about 6 wks and you can't wait. :) You are also very excited to be considered in Pre-kindergarten. You ask what words are when we are reading. We are going to use Five in a Row, I think, part of the time just so you can be more involved with us during school. You have also started coming to big church with us. You do really well. The other week you did lean over to me and say, "this is taking forever". LOL True Eli fashion. :) You did choir this past year and will do it again in the fall.

I still can't believe you are 4!!!! You are the same height as many of the 3 yr olds in our group of friends, or just an inch or 2 taller. Most folks think you are younger than you are. I like you being short! You are built just like your Daddy, and you act just like him too! AH! LOL You also aspire to be just like your Daddy.

I pray that the fire that is lit beneath you will turn into a vibrant fire for the Lord! God has amazing plans for you and I can't wait to see exactly what they are. You were my first Rainbow baby after having 2 miscarriages, and you have brought happiness to our family in many ways. We can't imagine life without you. We all love you and your crazy ways!!

Here are some pictures from the past year....

You became a big cousin when Gwyn was born in Aug. You were always close beside her, and still are.

You became a big brother again too! :)

SNOW!

I love him in his suit!

Is this a foreshadowing??

Lipstick!

Stamps!

Nailpolish!

Mud!

He was a trooper going to Dad's shoulder surgery in B'ham! We left the house at 3:30 am. This was around noon or so, he finally crashed!

Turning 4!!!

New Orleans Trip

2011-06-11T10:11:00.002-05:00

Our mini vacation to New Orleans was a nice little get away, but I stayed glued to my computer for updates on everything going on at home in AL. I was texting my family to keep them updated on what all was open or happening.

So, we left Thursday the 28th. We got to Birmingham without any problems, but then it took us close to 3 hours to get out of there. Mostly due to traffic, but we also stopped for lunch and at Wal-Mart. We chose to go the long way through Mobile since Tuscaloosa was hit so hard. We arrived on the New Orleans Baptist Seminary campus between midnight and 1. We piled into the apartment and got everyone in the bed. The kids were in a room with 2 single beds, so one of them slept on a pallet each night. (I should have taken a picture!) I have to say they road incredibly well!!! The DVD player wouldn't work so they spent the entire trip looking out the window, playing leapsters, or just hanging. I am very proud!

Friday Joey met with the seminary president. It was a quick meeting because Dr. Kelley's previous meeting ran over, but only the Lord knows what may have come out of it! We were going to go to the French Quarter that afternoon, but Eli decided to throw-up. Isn't that how things go!! LOL We hung out in the apartment and took a walk and played on the playground. I just have to say that the campus of the Seminary is BEAUTIFUL!!!! I could sit and stare out our window all day! And I just about did. :) Eli seemed fine and was able to eat, so we did go out to eat that evening. Then, we went on a trech to find a cord to hook up the DVD play to the TV. (It would play the movies but wouldn't show the picture.)

Our Room

The view out our living room window

Adjusting fine to sleeping there. She looked so snuggly and she has her hand in the blanket because she pulled it up some more.

Watching the fountain on campus

The campus sanctuary

Going on a walk

The huge stingy catepillars that are over taking the campus. They were supposedly even worse the week before.

Taking a break as we walk.

Where we ate dinner. Yummy!

The view that evening when we got back.

We also had a lovely incident with the van. We were going to leave because Eli seemed fine and go ahead to the French Quarter but the van was making horrible sounds. So, Joey took it across the street to be fixed. We walked over to Church's chicken while we waited. They called and said it was a quick little fix, and thank the Lord we took it then or it would have been much worse. They didn't charge us! Praise the Lord!!

Everyone woke up in a great mood on Saturday, so out we went! We walked the Riverwalk and went in the mall. We went down to Cafe Du Monde. We walked Jackson Square. It was a wonderful day just spent together! God trully blessed our time together and blessed us through others! We watched a movie that night. If I remember correctly we also went on the playground.

I tried to catch the sign for this store as we drove. JOY

This is what she looked like when we got to the parking lot. Baby in her mouth!

Watching the boats

The cruise ship was in the harbor. You get a perspective for how big it is when you see the 18 wheeler beside it!

Joy was sleeping in the stroller. Wish I had thought to take off my sunglasses!

Watching a street show

Cafe Du Monde

We put some on her lip for a picture. She did get some on my finger.

The powdered sugar was Yummy!!! LOL

Joey had just driven the stroller down the steps and this is how she road! LOL

Everyone being statues. (We saw 3 different guys doing this.)

Playground fun....

Movie Night

Sunday morning Katie Jo thought it was a good time to throw-up. :/ We decided to not go to church in case anyone else started. We had our own little service on the living room floor. We went out on the playground again. That afternoon I was talking to my mom and the power came back on at her house. We are only a few houses down, so we knew it was on at our house too. We decided to head home a day early so the kids and I wouldn't have to kill time while Joey was at his pre-op in B'ham on Monday. We loaded up and headed out. We made it about 10-15 min and stopped for KJ to throw-up. Woo Hoo, here we go, I thought. And I was also crying because we were leaving. It was so pretty there and it was time to go back to reality. I really can't explain it.

Our worship service.

Yes, it is hooked to her ear. LOL

Worship isn't always serious. Ha ha!

Joy and I were resting, and we had a couple folks join us. :)

Anyways, it all went well after that incident and we got to Meridan, MS and stopped for dinner. Do you know how hard it is to find bland fast food!?! Yep, KJ threw-up again after dinner, but that was the last time. She was able to eat corn chex without a problem so she just snacked. We got home about 9 or 9:30 that night. Thank you, Mom and Amy for cleaning out our fridge so our house didn't stink!!!! I stuck the diapers in the wash because they had been sitting all those days. It was nice to be home even if it was a mess. :)

I am thankful that we had that time away, but I also wish we had stayed. It would have been a wonderful bonding time as a family and a time to get to know our neighbors. But, the Lord blessed our time away as a family. I still wish we had selective electricity. :)

April 27, 2011: What a day!!

2011-06-07T22:26:00.000-05:00

Are you shocked!?! LOL I am typing a post!!! Life has been crazy and I have several to do to get some memories down, so hopefully they will come in the next few days.

April 27, 2011 will forever be in Alabama's history! There was only about 20 min from 5:00am to late into the night that our weather folks were not on our TVs. It was crazy! My family is very blessed in that we were not affected by damage. We actually didn't even have much rain here, but the north part of our county was hit hard. Our neighborhood was without power for 4.5 days.

I had the TV on all day. Weather has always fascinated me. By late afternoon it was actually getting closer to us. We even sat in the bathroom during one tornado warning. It was the only one close to us. After that storm, we decided to quickly make dinner and hope we could finish before another one came. Well, the power went out right as we were finishing up. We ate dinner with candles and the backdoor open to let the light shine in. The phones were still working at this point.

We were very ill prepared for bad weather! Our radio didn't have batteries. We scrounge up a few flash lights. We decided to just let the kids camp in a tent in the living room since everything was so out of the ordinary already. Joey sat in the van for a bit listening to the radio. I told my mom to call if we needed to go back in the bathroom. So, we all go to bed in the dark. The kids have a book flash light open in the living room to give them a night light.

The next morning we wake to no power and no telephone service. I could text but not make calls. It was a little surprising because we have had this happen before but the power always came on in the middle of the night. Joey had to leave for New Orleans. I got in the shower while all kiddos were occupied with something. My parents walk down and inform me that we will be without power for 4-5 days. WOW! I was shocked. I text Joey and tell him.

So, Joey gets 2 hours away and heads back to town. He had called the man he was meeting with that morning and told him what was going on and that they would have to re-schedule. He also called the Seminary and told them what was going on. They offered to up him to a 2 bedroom VIP apartment for the weekend for us for free. Now we just had to pray that we could get to Birmingham to get gas in my car. There were no open gas stations or power until just North of B'ham.

Joey got home; we loaded up, and God graciously brought us safely to New Orleans 12 hours after we left our house. We could see some damage as we drove to B'ham but not a whole lot. It wasn't even a glimpse at what was done to so many areas.

Here are some pictures of evening on April 27, 2011...

In the bathroom

My view when I looked down while we were in the bathroom. She was in my lap with a pillow wedge over her.

The campout.

Watching Dad out in the car. Amazing how dark the house was!

Turned on the flash

Daddy listening to the radio.

I do not believe that I will ever forget that day or the following weekend.

Really?

2011-04-23T08:14:00.000-05:00

I have to say that I was amazed when I laid down last night and pulled out One Thousand Gifts! I wrote in my previous post that thankfulness/eucharisteo grows faith and trust and brings peace. Little did I know that is exactly what I would read last night. I am so thankful that God is teaching me!

I was pondering the different issues we are facing with our children. I have been praying for wisdom to know exactly what to do with each of them. There is anger and whining/complaining. What can overcome them? I do not struggle that much with anger, so I have really been at a loss. I knew what to overcome the complaining with though; you need to replace it with thankfulness. Then, after reading last night, I realized that the answer to anger is also thankfulness.

What? It is that simple?
God says," the answer is simple, but the act is not."
Then how do I do it?
You lead by example.
But I am just learning. I am not qualified!
Learn together. Let them know you struggle too; they aren't alone. And I do not call the qualified and equipped! I equip the called!
First step?
Be audible.

Then, this morning God takes me even deeper! Don't you love how He does that!?!

I was reading through Psalm 4 the other day and God really opened my eyes.
Verse 4-5
Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the Lord.

I know the beginning of the verse by heart, but I had never taken the time to read it all, or to read the next verse; to let them soak in. Do not act in the moment. Go to your room/ get away and meditate. (sometimes this is just inn your mind while you sit quietly before speaking) What do I meditate on? Can I go over and over again how this should go and how I am not in the wrong? Can I just let the anger consume me?
Well, that wouldn't be offering the sacrifice of righteousness, now would it. That isn't putting my trust in God.
Then, what in the world do I meditate on?
Thankfulness! Thank God for the moment. Thank Him for the argument. Thank Him for what He is trying to teach you. Meditate on His word, on Him. By being thankful, I am putting my trust in Him! It is acknowledging that He has this under control and He doesn't want me to sin. He wants righteousness, and that takes trust! How does it take trust? Well, what if you are right, which we all are in our own eyes. Laying it down to Him and trusting that He is going to work it all out.
WOW!! This is tuff stuff!! I think I will be spending a lot of time on my bed, by myself and with others trying to learn the art of eucharisteo. Being thankful in the hard moments and listening to God.

As I was beginning to type the verse for the anger, I thought about the verse for complaining.
Philippians 2:14-18
Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice.

Once again, I haven't really let the following verses set in! I knew that living without complaining and disputing made you blameless. When I thought about this verse a little bit ago, I realized that thankfulness is the key to being blameless. But, I missed the point!
Why does it make me blameless? Because it makes me a light. I stand out. I am different from the crooked and perverse generation. How? Being thankful is not the norm. How can you be thankful when you have every right to complain? I carried a baby for 34 wks that would pass into the arms of Jesus. I knew for 6 of those weeks that she would leave me upon entering this world. According to the world, I had every right to complain and dispute. Did I? Some days yes! But, I was thankful far more. Peace reigned in me through that time by thankfulness.
It was/is a sacrifice! It is a drink offering because I am willing to drink in my circumstances and sing praises to God with them. It is a service of my faith because I am acknowledging that God is in control and I am trusting Him even though I do not like the circumstances. It is clinging to the word of life!

It isn't just the big things. It can be the mundane every day mess. I will drink the dishwasher in and pour it out to God in thanksgiving. It will change my heart and it will make me blameless. I will look crazy to the world!

Both of these are hard! They take time and effort. It takes physical therapy to recondition our hearts to be full of thankfulness. To turn from our wicked ways of anger and complaining. But, I am going to take the challenge, and I am going to challenge my family to do the same. May my children become vessels of thankfulness because they saw it in me!

Abba Father, I have failed You so many times, and I know I will continue to fail You, but You are always there teaching me. Thank You!! Forgive me. Mold my heart, Lord. Condition it to be the way You want it to be. May I look for Your praise and not the praise of man. Make me a light in this crooked and perverse generation. May You continue to shape my family. I love You!!! Thank You for loving me so very much! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

One Thousand Gifts/ Thankfulness

2011-04-22T14:06:00.001-05:00

I have found the library!!! I know that sounds funny. We have been going to the library for a long time, but it never occurred to me to check out new books that I wanted to read. LOL I happened upon One Thousand Gifts when I was checking out some biographies on George Muller, and I was so excited! It was on my wishlist. Let me tell you, it is amazing!!! She was searching for so many of the same things I am searching for. The book is about being thankful, eucharisteo. I really can't put it into words because she does so well.

God taught me about thankfulness quite sometime ago. I have worked through a lot and had to learn to be thankful for my past. I am so glad that God taught me that lesson before Janie Beth! It has given me the ability to look back on her life and be thankful; at least most of the time. Thankfulness brings peace. It recognizes that God is in control. Thankfulness puts the focus on God and gives me perspective. I had never thought of thankfulness the way that Ann Voskamp writes about. The journey God took her on is wonderful. Thankfulness is a sacrifice sometimes. That is another lesson God had already begun teaching me, but I am learning so much more. The last few days of noticing everything have brought me so much closer to God! I can feel the Holy Spirit so close. Thank You, Abba!!! Thankfulness deepens your faith and helps you grow. It brings trust to another level.

Here is the beginning of my list of gifts. :) I am trying to take more pictures too. I want to truly enjoy life and live it more abundantly!

1. Pancakes baking
2. syrup dripping

3. sticky smiles and hands
4. the promise of my promised land
5. pearls of water on pink roses climbing up to the heavens

6. cute kid words (jingles instead jenga :) )
7. playing games
8. wet dew between my toes; God's morning drink to His creation!
9. a husband of faith
10. the bright colors of the UNO cards when they are dropped on the floor
11. long hair that can hang over the shoulder
12. pretty toes ;) Can you guess!?!

Yep, Eli!!!

13. walks in the evening with the family
14. the sun poking through the gray clouds
15. the sounds of little voices singing God's praises
16. chatting with a good friend
17. water falls

18. walking through gardens

19. the sound of pages being turned by little hands in the car
20. Libraries
21. the ability to read
22. daisies :)

23. mama birds on their eggs

24. slushies during "happy hour" at Sonic

25. for this view...

Thanks Poppa for mowing the other day!!!

When You Become a Parent

2011-04-20T07:36:00.000-05:00

According to Eli, you will become a mom or dad when you have lost all of your teeth. :D

He regularly tells me that he doesn't have any loose teeth yet. This stems from the fact that Josiah and Katie Jo have both lost 2, and KJ currently has a loose tooth. He proclaimed this the morning that KJ anounced her newest loose tooth.

It's Awesome!

2011-04-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

I count it an honor, a privilege, and a blessing to get to watch God's magnificent work in my hubby's life!! I never could have imagined the ways that God was planning to change his heart. Is he perfect? No. Does he make mistakes and mess up? Yes. But, don't we all! I am excited to see what all God has in store. God is molding and re-shaping Joey, and I am so thankful that He has allowed me to be a part of it. I pray that He will mold and re-shape me into the wife I am to be for my Beloved. God truly does do "exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think, according to the power that works in us." (Eph 3:20) Our God is good!!! Our God is an awesome God!! :) Joey Karr, I love you and I am so thankful that God brought you into my life. My heart swells when I think of you. It is my privilege to be called your wife!

Here's What is on My Heart

2011-04-18T21:54:00.001-05:00

I sit here with my fingers on the keys and wait for the words to come. Why I am waiting, I do not know since I have so many going in my head. Maybe it is more of a problem of where to begin. So, I will just pray for my Lord to show the way and guide my fingers.

I have been struggling. I am very short. LOL Sorry, but that made me laugh because I am literally short. :P Maybe I should say that I have been short-tempered and impatient. I am wound very tight right now. I believe that many things are factoring into this problem, so here is what is on my heart....

Easter is coming... I really didn't expect this to be an issue! Mother's Day is coming... which means baby dedication. Kindergarten Graduation for Katie Jo is coming... really wasn't expecting this to bring on emotions! Easter, the time when we celebrate the Risen Savior!!! Why would this make me sad!?! I am not sure that sad is the right word actually. The resurrection has become even more real to me. Maybe it is the wonder and amazement of it all. It is truly overwhelming. Because He Lives!!! I love that hymn. We even sang it at Janie Beth's Celebration Service. This chorus rings so true in my life!

Baby Dedication. It will be Joy Michelle's baby dedication. I cannot put into words the amount of emotions that flow through me when I think about it, and they pretty much cover the entire spectrum from one end to the other. I have sat through 2 baby dedications; one with Janie Beth in my belly, knowing of her diagnosis already, and one afterwards on my first Mother's Day without Janie. But, participating is a whole nother story. Wow! God's grace is amazing!!

I was going through Katie Jo's pictures to send in for a slide show for Kindergarten graduation and it hit me that the pictures I have of Janie Beth are the only pictures I will ever have. There will be no comparing how she changed over the first 6 years of her life. They are singing the song "Find Us Faithful" in the service, and it is really touching my heart!

This move into Built 2 Last Ministries is all about faith. As I sing "Find Us Faithful" my heart swells with the desire that all who come behind me find me faithful! God is working in my heart in wonderful, yet hard ways. He is pruning and refining me. This was the part of the journey I didn't expect. Sad as that sounds. And that, my friends, is why I have to be refined- because I am surprised that I need to be refined on such a deep level in order to walk this road! You mean the building of my faith in the recent trials wasn't enough!?! "No, God says, I want to build your heart the way I want it." Ouch!

I learned quite some time ago that if I see something in someone else that really bugs me, then it is probably in me. Yikes! God has really challenged me lately as I have been dealing with some issues. It is very humbling. I realize that the desires of my heart have been ungodly. When I look below and see the motives it is scary and sad. I really thought I had moved passed that. I am realizing that I have been seeking after the wrong thing. I have been doing exactly what I don't think others should do. As I have been seeking to live totally by faith, I am seeing that there is a whole lot of ugly worldliness in me. The world has molded me and I didn't even realize it. I have fallen right into line with the world and I didn't even notice. Life isn't about me!! It is all about God and bringing Him the glory!! I pray that God engraves this on my heart and that He continues to teach me moment by moment.

As I have truly sought to do that, He has changed how I view so many things. Our society is more messed up than I realized. And the sad thing is, those that chose to live life the way God says look crazy! We are some messed up people. It should be the easiest thing to do; live by faith. But, we are taught that it is the hard road and the lazy road. How sad! I am having to allow God to re-shape things that have been engrained in my heart and mind my entire life. No ones fault really because we are all taught the same thing. In order to live by faith, I have to let go of the worldly views on aspiration. Let go of the American Dream. Live solely for God's glory!! Live for God's Dream! What is God's Dream? That none should perish, but all should come to repentance. He wants everyone to join Him in heaven and ask Jesus to be their Savior. Everything I do should point to God and bring Him glory.

This is hard at first, but once God prunes all of the ugly branches off, He will grow the most beautiful flowers; His flowers. I must decrease so He can increase. I must crucify my ego moment by moment. This is the journey off of the milk and onto solids. (Hebrews 5:12-14) The Spirit has felt so close. He is constantly nudging me, and I wonder... has He always been there whispering and I just missed it? Did I not care enough before? I love that God is taking the time to mold every part of my heart. I pray that I will stay in tune with Him. I much prefer to follow His leading on everything instead of mine. We all know that mine will just find me on the wide path instead of the narrow path!

So, here I sit resting after another day of tilling a new part in the garden of my heart. Weeds are never easy to pull up when you are trying to pull them up by the roots!

Abba Father, thank You!!! I cannot say it enough!! I pray that I never lose the wonder that fills my heart when I think about Your love, mercy, and grace toward me! May You continue to strengthen for the weeks ahead. You called me to be Janie Beth's mother and You equip me to walk her journey. Thank You! Prepare my heart and bring healing to the next layer. Thank You for writing my faith!! Please continue to teach me how to tap into every aspect of it. Thank You for being the best Gardener! Refine me, Lord. I want to be a woman after Your own heart. Thank You, Jesus, for walking the road to Calvary. You are my all in all. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Security

2011-04-11T15:38:00.000-05:00

I have been contemplating lots of things lately, and it seems God is working on my heart quite a bit. This is not pleasant at times, but man does it feel good once you have been pruned!!! Anyways, security was one of the first things that started cropping into my thoughts a lot....

You see, we are stepping out of our comfort zone and onto God's narrow path. Joey is going into vocational evangelism. He will be doing revivals, conferences, camps, etc. We will be relying totally on God! (Built 2 Last Ministries does have a facebook page and a blog site. Those will give you more info on exactly what is going on. :) )

I was talking to a friend from our previous church last week, and I told her that I missed the false sense of security that I had when we were there.

Definition of SECURITY

1: the quality or state of being secure: as a : freedom from danger : safety b : freedom from fear or anxiety c : freedom from the prospect of being laid off

2a : something given, deposited, or pledged to make certain the fulfillment of an obligation b : surety

3: an instrument of investment in the form of a document (as a stock certificate or bond) providing evidence of its ownership

4a : something that secures : protection b (1) : measures taken to guard against espionage or sabotage, crime, attack, or escape (2) : an organization or department whose task is security

If you really look at those definitions, the only way that you could truly have security is with God. The only way to have freedom, as in definition #1, is to have the freedom of Christ. There is no guarantee that you will have your job tomorrow or will be safe a moment from now. The only way to have freedom from anxiety or worry is to trust in God, even when the situation would seem to constitute worry and/or anxiety.

True freedom or security is peace! Where does peace come from? From God!

Isaiah 26:3-4 You will keep hiim in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength.

Philippians 4:6-9 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God: and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your eharts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever thingss are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these thigns. THe things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, adn the God of peace will be with you.

Here I have gone from security to freedom to peace; how did I get there? Well, true security comes from freedom and if you are experiencing true freedom, then you have peace. Not only can you have the peace of God, but you can have the God of peace!! Look at the verses from Philippians again. The peace of God comes from giving everything to God through prayer and petition with thanksgiving. The God of peace comes when you decide to focus on the things of God. When you focus on the things of God, then you are free to feel secure because the God of peace is with you.

John 8:36 "Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed."

This verse tells us everything we need to know! We are only truly free if the Son makes us free!

Definition #2: Can you be sure that someone is going to fulfill their obligation to you?? Who is the only one who has always done that!?! GOD! Has He always fulfilled the obligation as we thought He should or would? Nope, but it has always been the best way because His ways are higher than ours and He sees the big picture!

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to thoses who are the called according to His purpose. (This verse is contingent on you being a child of God.)

Definition #3: documents can be forged. Pictures can be stolen. Someone else can claim to have your life and even provide evidence that it is really theirs. Scary huh!!! What is the only book that is living and can't be forged; the only one that will last forever and stand the test of time? The Bible!

Definition #4: Can you really be secure from danger? Can you really guard your home from any invader or your children from evil? No. You can put them all in God's hands and allow Him to protect you. God and His angels are the ultimate home security system!!! Nothing and noone can get past them if God doesn't want them to. It says over and over again that God is our shield and protector; a help in danger. Open the Psalms, and your will ultimately see that on one of the pages.

The only way for me to walk securely through life is to walk it with God! In this culture, we have so many false senses of security! Our jobs, our checkbooks, our family, our friends, our status, the list goes on and on! Can you be secure with no job, no money, no family, no friend, no status? Yes, you can be secure because you are a child of God and Jesus laid down His life for you!

I am choosing to find my security in Christ. This is not a popular concept and it is foreign to most, but it is where I am striving to be. I do not want a false sense of security. I want the Security! I want to live my life to the fullest through Jesus who came that I might have life and have it to the fullest!

Thank You, Jesus!!! Please help me! This is so foreign to me and I do not even know exactly what it looks like for my life. Please open my eyes and show me Your path. Thank You for your security, freedom, and peace. I love You, Abba! Thank You!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The 3 Biggin's

2011-04-06T07:37:00.000-05:00

Yep, the 3 big ones is what Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli have become. LOL Here is a little update on them...

Josiah had his first RA race last week. He was so pumped! He and Joey already have ideas for next year. I told Eli that by the time he was in RA they would have it all figured out. ha, ha! We aren't sure what place he was in, but he did pretty good. He also had the Grand Prix in Sparks last Sunday. He won the first heat he was in, but then didn't advance after that. He was still a proud supporter for Katie Jo!
He is also doing great with his reading! He is getting more confindent which I believe is helping. Still a long way to go, but I am proud! His love is still math, but hopefully reading will become more fun as he learns.
I have a feeling Josiah and Joy Schelle are going to have a special relationship. Josiah has taken to being a big brother again very well, and he really looks after her.

Here is his RA car. You can see that it was damaged before it even got in the race. LOL

The Grand Prix in Sparks

Katie Jo has really been enjoying the warmer weather! She has completely been in her element in the mud.
She also had her first Grand Prix race in AWANA. She came in 3rd out of all the Sparks!!! Words don't do her excitement justice!! She was jumping around and screeching after every race she was in. It was so cute! She wears her medal proudly!
She has been all about GiGi's Cupcakes lately! She plays GiGi's cupcakes. :) She bakes them in her kitchen. I checked out a GiGi, God's Little Princess movie from church and she assumed that it was because she loved GiGi's Cupcakes so much. LOL
She was practicing her swimming in the tub yesterday. She called me to show me how she could go under water and how she will swim under water once Nana's pool is ready. She even asked about swimming lessons. (I will say, that it is ridiculous how expensive they are!) I can see her on a swim team one day.

It isn't shadow on her arms; it is mud!

She was "painting" a ball with a small broom covered in mud.

Cake

There is a huge smile on her face in every picture!

Pulling Josiah into the celebration when she made the top 4!

She couldn't be still so she is slightly blurry in most of my pics. LOL

Happy for the others too!

The amazing car. :)

And then, there is Eli... LOL Never a dull moment with that boy!
His chore this week is cleaning the table. We had some chocolate cake for dessert on Monday. I told him to go and make sure all the food was cleaned up off the chairs and table before we wiped it. I asked him if he was done and got it all. He said, "yes." I asked if he had thrown it away. He said,"No, I ate the pieces." LOL It is much easier to just eat the crumbs from the cake than to try to scoop them to be thrown away. I asked if he was going to eat the crumbs that got stuck on Katie Jo's pants, and he just laughed.
Eli is loving being back in Cubbies! Every time we go to church, he asks if it is Cubbies time. :) He was slightly upset that he didn't get to watch the Sparks race, but he is talking about when he is in Sparks.
He is pointing to words and asking me what they say, esp when reading a book. But, he is quick to tell you that he isn't doing school yet. LOL
His birthday is in about 6 weeks, and it is very hard for me to accept that he will be 4! He is planning on celebrating at Nana and Poppa's house and having cake, and of course Star Wars will be involved somehow. The boy is in love with Star Wars!
And it wouldn't be Eli if he hadn't done something to his face! Yep, he thought stamps would be a nice touch!

This is his lion pose. There has been a lot of growling around here lately!

Showing me how white and shiny his teeth were after brushing them.

You can see the stamps go all the way down his chin and onto his neck.

It reads "He is Risen"

There is a peak at what has been going on around here. I have a couple other blogs I hope to write soon because we have other big changes going on here. A couple last pictures since we have been dancing our calories off. :)

15 Months

2011-03-31T14:36:00.000-05:00

WOW!!! It is hard to believe it has been 15 months! It hit me yesterday that it was 15 months, and it even fell on the same day. It has been 15 months since I held you for the first time and since you met your Heavenly Father. I still miss you so much! You are on my mind and in my heart every single day. Joy Michelle resembles you, and I often wonder what you would have looked like at her age and how bright your face would have looked with a precious smile on it. But, one day I will see!!! I know you are smiling right now as I type this because you are in the most wonderful place and you are so happy and whole. I can almost feel you in my arms, it is like the breeze. Katie Jo has begun asking you to give God a hug for us. :) We have often prayed for Him to give you a hug, but what a special thought it is that you can hug God for us. To know that you are in His presence and safe in His arms is so comforting!!! Once we get some warmer weather, I hope to go to your grave and sit a while. I have missed doing that. I have started lighting a candle in the kitchen to remind me of you. I hope to get one that is fake so that it will last longer. I have begun to associate the vanilla scent with you since the candle is vanilla sented. It brings a smile to my face whenever I catch a wiff of the vanilla. :) I was thinking about the statement that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all the other day, and I realized just how true that is! I am so thankful that I got to love you, and still love you, even though I lost you. My life wouldn't be the same if I had never loved you at all! You are my precious heavenly baby girl, and I will be forever grateful to have the privilege of calling you my daughter! I love you!!!

Thank You, Abba, for opening my heart to a love that I never could have imagined. Your sacrifice and love for me is all the more real after losing a child. I love my family deeper. You have blessed me beyond measure and in ways I never thought possible! I love You!!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

5 Months

2011-03-31T14:14:00.000-05:00

Yep, it has been 5 months! Joy Michelle is beginning to show her personality more these days. She has started talking/gabbering more. She is a quiet talker though, and she normally only has a couple times a day where she talks for an extended period of time. She is rolling over from her belly to her back. She is playing with toys. She is still a good sleeper most of the time. She is my little butter ball. :) Short and round. Just right for squeezing.

She has started with eczema on her face, which probably means she will have food allergies like Eli. I am trying to cut dairy and now wheat as well from my diet since she is nursing. She has found her lips. LOL She makes all kinds of faces while sucking on them.

Joy Michelle, you have blessed me so much! Your siblings are still in love with you. You love to sit up against Daddy's pillow on the bed by his desk and be with him. You smile whenever he is around. You are a Mommy's girl even though you have Daddy wrapped around your finger. You did give him grief while Mommy, Josiah, and Katie Jo were at a play because you wouldn't take the bottle and just screamed. I won't be leaving you anymore until you have started solids, or it is just a quick run right after you eat. I have had several people lately tell me that you look like Janie Beth. It is especially noticeable around your mouth. It warms my heart. Thank You, Abba, for blessing me and my family with Joy Michelle!!!

She wasn't real pleased to have her picture taken with Little Janie this month, but I thought it was cute. :)

You could get your feet higher than your head before you learned to roll over.

You found your feet...

Eli Funnies

2011-03-19T10:04:00.000-05:00

Eli is the clown at our house. Sometimes this is on purpose and often times he just says stuff that cracks me up! He has been full of it lately! So, for your enjoyment and my memories here are some of the latest...

~~He, out of the blue, runs in the kitchen and anounces to me that "one day I will be a lion, one day"

~~One evening we are sitting on the couch and he says, "when I grow up and I am a girl..." We then had a discussion about how God made him a boy and he would always be one.

~~The other night I was going to do some things with some friends and the 3 big kids were going with Joey to my sister's softball game. Eli said that it wasn't fair, and then he follows it with "well, life's not fair." He says this to himself sitting on the couch. Maybe the phrase life's not fair is said quite a bit around here. LOL

~~My mom was opening a Capri Sun for Eli and she poked the straw through the entire thing, and he goes "awesome".

~~Joey was playing Sudoku on the computer and Eli was asking him what he was doing. Joey responded and Eli says, "that just freaks me out."

Here is a picture that is totally Eli...

He brings humor everyday! I don't know what I would do without him!! He had on bright red shorts the other day with a long sleeve Alabama shirt that was crimson. I told him to go get another shirt that was more red before we left the house. He come back with a completely red shirt. LOL Of course, they weren't the same color red, so we went and searched together. :)

I really want to type up our every day stories more so that I can remember them 20 yrs down the road, so hopefully we will bring more humor to you soon.

A Book Review

2011-03-06T16:40:00.000-06:00

I was given the opportunity to read Melinda's book, How I Forgave My Molester, a month or so ago. WOW! Forgiveness has really become a taboo subject nowadays. We feel we are entitled and forgiveness requires humility. Melinda was molested as a child by someone close to her family. She shares her journey and how she forgave him. I cannot imagine having to forgive someone for something so horrendous! Melinda's book is a true testimony of how God can work mighty things in us when we allow Him. Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us. This is a true testimony of how God does far beyond our expections!! If you know someone who has walked a similar road as Melinda, I would recommend reading this book. It is a quick read, but a powerful read. Her site Traling After God also has amazing resources for someone walking this journey. Thank you, Melinda, for the opportunity to read your story and for the testimony that is your journey!

Prayers Please

2011-03-06T16:20:00.000-06:00

This is kind of vague, but we really need some prayers this week. God has been moving, and has given us a call. We need prayers for His will to be done and for Him to move the hurdles. We need prayers for the hearts of those involved in the decision making. We serve a BIG God!!! I believe He can do amazing things!!

He doesn't call us to just sit and wait tho. We are to take action. In this case, our current action is persistent prayer. Prayer does more than we could ever know!!

I also need prayer to write Janie Beth's story. I have been asked to share it and having Joy Michelle after her. It will be about God's grace and redemption.

God is working in my heart and changing my desires. He has molded me into a person I never thought I would be. He is still molding me. I feel as though He has me in the Refiner's fire right now. It is a somewhat lonely place to be, but He is close beside me! Once again, He is changing my heart and my desires. He is asking me questions that I don't like how I answer.

Kristi's pastor asked the following questions a couple weeks ago, and they have been on my mind a lot.
1.According to your convictions: in order, what do you feel should be the top five priorities in your life?

2.According to the actual outflow of your time: in order, what really are the top five priorities in your life?

WOW!!! That is convicting! I have begun to look around my house and in myself and asking the question, how does this glorify God.

I have been reading "The Seasons of a Mother's Heart" by Sally Clarkson. Amazing!!! She has been talking about building your house. What seeds will I have to plant? What fruit are they going to bear? What is the cost of my building? What am I trying to build? What foundation am I building on?

What makes up a foundation on the Rock versus a foundation on the sand?
This question really stuck out to me. To build on the Rock, I need to lay a foundation of faith, prayer, the Word, hope, love, the fruits of the Spirit, communication. To build on the sand is much easier! Building on the sand doesn't require any effort, just stick them in front of the tv, computer, electronic game, and hope that they are somewhat moral when they leave your house. Building on the Rock takes time, effort; it takes a plan. I have to know what we are building on and what the building is supposed to look like. It will take time and hours on my knees. I must parent on my knees!! What is the main room that I am trying to build? Loving God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. What will it cost me? My heart, soul, mind, and strength. Whatever I am trying to build it will cost me exactly that. It will cost me the humility to do it myself first. Let me tell you, it is going to cost a lot because I have a far way to go! But, that is ok! I have counted the cost and I am still going to answer the call to change my heritage and raise children that Love God, love others, live lives of faith in the Lord Jesus, and make war on the floor. Deuteronomy 30:6 is the verse I am claiming!!! "And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." My cost will be the circumcision of my own heart. A cost I am more than willing to take because it is my desire.

Well, I kind of got off the topic that I came on to type about. LOL Not the first time and won't be the last. :)

If you think about us, please pray for God to be big!!! I am claiming Eph 3:20! He is able to do "exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think."