3 months

Janie Beth would have been 3 months old today. I still miss her so much. I can almost feel her in my arms. It is like the wind. It is a glimpse of a feeling. It is like trying to hold the wind. My arms still ache for her. Her personality would have really been coming out, and she would have looked so cute in her spring clothes.

Not only are we on the 3 month anniversary of everything, but we are leading up to my birthday and Easter, which get to fall on the same day this year. Our first big holiday without her and my first birthday without her. She and Katie Jo would have had similar dresses for Easter, and Katie Jo would have been so proud.

But, she gets to celebrate the Risen Savior with the Risen Savior Himself!!!! How awesome is that!?! I will try to focus on that reality and not wallow in the fact that she isn't celebrating with me. I know she looks gorgeous in Heaven, much better than she would have looked here on earth for Easter.

I can't believe it has been 3 months already, but then it also feels longer. I feel as though the world is running on ahead beside me and I am doing my best to try to catch up. Katie Jo requested that I make muffins or pancakes for breakfast because it has been so long. :( I am making pancakes for lunch because everything was dirty, so the dishwasher is running right now. I feel like I am doing pretty well in my journey, but I can't seem to get back on our chore and washing schedule, or any schedule for that matter. Everytime I try something happens. That is the way life is!!! I want to find the skeleton of our schedule so that we aren't thrown for a loop when something comes up.

This week is going to be beautiful here in North Alabama! It has been wonderful being able to get outside. Like all things it is bittersweet because Janie Beth isn't here. There are times I watch the other 3 playing and I picture her being there too. From reading others blogs, I will always do that.

I really hope to get to the cemetary today. It is still cloudy right now, and I am not sure what the day holds, so I don't know if I will make it or not. I also want to right some thank you notes. It is horrible, but I am just now getting around to doing it! I have been so blessed!!!!!

Abba, thank you for allowing me to birth such a precious little girl 3 months ago. Please tell her I love her and give her an extra hug for me today. May You continue to hold me close and heal my pain. Only You can go that deep in my heart. May Your grace fill the cracks. Thank You for Your compassion, grace, and mercy. Thank You for hope! You are amazing! Thank You for chosing me to be Janie Beth's mommy!! I miss her so much, but there is no better place for her to be. :) May You please bless us and keep us this week. May You send encouragement my way this week. I love You. May You be lifted up and glorified through me today and this week. In Jesus' name I pray.

Praise

Praise is how to change my focus. When thankfulness is in the forefront of my mind the sadness fades away and the love invades. It is a wonderful feeling!

I went by Janie Beth's grave on Thursday, yes, in the rain. I have no idea why it always works out that I am there in the rain. :) I had to be down the block from her so I had to drive by. Grass is beginning to peak through the mud that covers her. I hadn't planned on getting out, but her garden flad was a little messed up so I jumped out for a minute. I am so greatful that we chose to bury her and have a place for her. It is comforting to go there. I hope to get out there soon on a sunny day and let the kids go. I really want to wonder the cemetary as the weather warms. It is so old and the history is amazing!!

I wonder what the stories are behind the people. This experience has made me wonder what the story is behind everyone. What kind of pain is each person holding? Why is that woman so angry? What is going on in his heart? People who look at me don't know my story, so I know everyone has a story and I wonder what it may be. Tragedy tears away the pretty walls that we put up to show the world. It makes life real. People can smile and say they are great, but look at their eyes. The eyes show what the heart really feels. I am trying to walk in love because I have no idea what is really going on in each person's life that I encounter or pass by each day.

Spring is so refreshing!!! The new life. The sun shining. Even the rain. I have come to enjoy the rain. Through the rain God has molded my life. Through the rain I have come to enjoy the Son. Through the rain I am cleansed. I am still in the rain as we are on a long journey, but the sun is poking through. There are rays piercing through the clouds. God is so gracious!!! I will praise Him through the storm. No matter where I am, He is there with me! :)

HEY

Just saying

HI!!!!!

I have been napping most afternoons so I haven't been on as much. I am hoping to start working on our routine next week and I will find when my computer time is. :) I know I have said we are going to work on our routine before, but now I am praying that God will guide and help our routine. I believe that will make all the difference. He can stick with things, unlike me.

Celebration

I had an awesome evening/night yesterday!!!! Some ladies in the MOMS club that I am a member of threw a celebration for Janie Beth. :) It was amazing!!! I love the chance to talk about her and share about her. I don't have little stories that I can share everyday of what she is doing so it is hard to bring her into everyday conversation sometimes. I loved being able to focus on her. It meant a lot to me to have others come to see pictures and here of her story. She is such an amazing little girl and I want the world to know!! :)

We started the evening by eating, of course. ;) Lisa had 22 pink balloons for us to let go for the 22 hours she was alive. She counted to 3 and we all said Janie Beth when we let them go. It was beautiful because it was getting dark but wasn't too dark so the moon was shining and the balloons going up. It looked like there were some pink stars after they got up far enough. Then, we all held a letter in her name or a picture of a heart on the steps of the porch and Lisa took a picture. They also gave me a frame with Janie Beth's name written in different ways!

We watched the DVD slideshow that we showed at visitation and the funeral, and then I talked about our experience. They asked some questions and I talked, which we all know I have no problems doing. :) I brought some of Janie Beth's things to show and share, and I brought a little scrapbook for them all to sign. I haven't read what they wrote yet, but I am thankful that they were willing to sign. I want to be able to look back 10 years from now and remember that special night!

They were gracious enough to have some wonderful gifts for me to remember Janie Beth by. Suzanne gave me a beautiful plant from Exotic Angel Plants called "Baby Jade". They had a collage of pictures printed up and framed. They had a butterfly released at Botanical Gardens in her memory and framed the certificate and picture of butterflies. A lady made a rosary with the birthstones of all my children. It was placed in a beautiful glass box inscribed with Janie Beth's name and a saying. I also got a locket keychain with her name inscribed on one side and the name of all my kids and Joey on the other side. There is also a little photo album of pictures. All the gifts came in a big pink basket that has 22 little roses on the handle for her 22 hours and 6 bigger roses on the rim for the 6 people in our family. There were 22 candles there and each person took one home to remember Janie Beth. There was also a vase with 6 pink roses in it for our family. And a stone that has little footprints on it and says Janie Beth's Garden. I can't wait to plant her rose garden!!! They also gave a donation to the NICU at Huntsville Hospital. I still cannot believe how much support they gave for them to be able to do all of this!!!! It warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes. God is gracious.

I was blessed beyond measure!!! Saying thank you doesn't scrape the surface of the thanks I have for them celebrating with me and caring. It was such a special evening and it will forever be a part of my memories. It was fabulous!!!!

I am so full of love for Janie Beth today. I think I may have a huge silly grin on my face for the entire day.

THANK YOU SO MUCH LADIES!!!!!!!!

Apology/Journey

I wanted to apologize to all those who didn't get to see the sun yesterday! After I typed I realized that all of you don't live in AL. :) I hope the Lord blessed your day regardless of what the conditions were outside.

I am paying for being outside the last 2 days. My allergies are in full swing. Rain comes in today and I am hoping that will clear them up some.

Today I am looking forward to a wonderful morning of worship. I pray that I will enter God's presence with worship and adoration, totally focusing on Him and all He is. So often I am too busy thinking about the rest of the day or who is there or the week ahead. We missed church last week and I can really tell when I miss. I miss God more the closer we get to the next Sunday. I know God is with me wherever I am, but there is something about worshipping with fellow believers. You cannot recreate that at home. I am very greatful for the church family God has provided for us during this time. He is so gracious and merciful and full of compassion.

We pray that we will be even more blessed by the next church the Lord deems us fit to be a part of. We look forward to all that He has in store for us. It is hard to trust sometimes when we can't see the end or the next step. When it feels as though God isn't moving on our behalf, I have to stand on His promises. He is working all things together for our good and His glory. He knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us a hope and a future. The promise that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ever ask or think. The fact that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He reigns and His plans cannot be thwarted by man!! His will will prevail and He will direct our steps. In the silence He is there!!! In the silence He is pruning us and shaping us and preparing us. In the silence He loves us. He trusts us with His silence because we will hold fast to Him.

Abba Father, may You show us that You are still here. May You show us Your power to save us. Thank You for Your word that tells us of Your promises!! Thank You for loving us and continuing to be with us and move in our midst and on our behalf. May You guide us in the next step to take on this road. I love You, Lord!!! Thank You for blessing me beyond measure. You are awesome! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

Outside

Yesterday we went to the Dairy Farm. Very fun, but I forgot my camera!! Today we are picking up inside and outside and then spending the day outside. You should too!! Get off the computer and enjoy the wonderful sun the Lord has given us!!! Don't waste the day inside.

I know Janie Beth will be on my mind, as always, but I am so thankful she is enjoying an even more beautiful day in Heaven. I love you, baby girl!!!!!

I can't wait for our roses to bloom this year. They are pink!!! You bet wherever we move I will have various pink colored roses planted in our yard!! :) They say Janie Beth to me.

Turned a Corner

That is what I feel like I did last week after going by myself to the cemetary. God was so amazing that day!!! He touched me so deep in my soul and in my heart. It is something that I cannot explain. I feel as though God reached down and lifted me up. I am so thankful that I went that day.

The next day I woke up and decided that I would change my perspective and my attitude. Your attitude has so much to do with how you react to things. I decided that I was going to be thankful for the ways I can bring Janie Beth with me through each day and focus on what she has done for me instead of focusing on her not being here and missing her. I want to focus on my love for her instead of my longing for her. I want to look to Jesus and God and allow them to fill me with an attitude of gratitude. I want to cherish everything Janie has done for me and the many ways she touched me. It is a wonderful feeling to just love her; to let my heart swell with love. When I think of her it puts a huge smile on my face and sometimes brings tears to my eyes. She is so precious.

When I think of her in heaven, I think of how wonderful it is. She is seeing colors that I can't even imagine. She is in the presence of God!!!! She gets to sing with the angels. I can almost hear her voice. :) How precious!!!! I know she is beautiful. When I think of all that she is experiencing I realize that I would never want to bring her back here. Who would want to come here after experiencing heaven?? Who, Jesus!! Thank You, Jesus for being willing to come!!!!

Joey made an interesting observation shortly after Janie died. When Jesus wept on His way to Lazarus's tomb, perhaps He wept because He knew Lazarus would be coming back to earth from a wonderful place. He knew it was for the best, but His heart hurt for His friend. Can you imagine what Lazarus must have felt like coming back here?? If I were him, I would have been praying for God to take me back.

I feel like I did that Tuesday at her grave. I am in the midst of a storm, but it is ok because there is a huge ray of Sonshine piercing through the clouds and shining on my face. I know I will still have bad moments and days; things will get me that I never expect for the rest of my life, but I feel as though God is truly picking up the pieces and putting them back together in the way He wants them. He is filling the cracks with His grace. He is drawing me near in a different way. He is wonderful!!!!

God is so good.
God is so good.
God is so good.
He's so good to me.

He loves me so.
He loves me so.
He loves me so.
He's so good to me.

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Thank You, Abba for being so good to me! Thank You for loving me and knowing exactly what I need. You are amazing! I pray that others will see You when they look at me. May You continue to have Your way in my life and mold me into the woman You want me to be. I love You!! Thank You for Heaven. Thank You Jesus for coming and dying for me and for my baby girl. Thank You for Janie Beth. Thank You for Joey. Thank You for Josiah. Thank You for Katie Jo. Thank You for Eli. Thank You for my family and friends. I am blessed beyond measure!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen