7 Months

Every month I want to say "seriously?" when I write how many months it has been. This one snuck up on me. I knew it was this week, but I didn't even realize yesterday was the 29th until after lunch. (We headed out early and didn't get back home until after lunch.) I really didn't feel guilty. I was thankful that we had spent the morning having fun instead of moping around. I saved that for today. LOL

Last night I had an orientation for our preschool homeschool group. I knew of one baby that would be there, maybe 2, but was slightly taken back when there were 5, and all of them were girls. They were younger than Janie Beth would be now, but I have trouble thinking of her as older or bigger than the little infants that snuggle up on your shoulder and sleep with their little mouths open. It didn't totally put me down, but I did kind of stare off some, thinking and wondering.

Today makes 7 months since Janie Beth went to Heaven. I tend to have more trouble on the 30th because it was our day with her. I have just been in a funk today and getting down on myself in other areas. I still don't bake hardly and I have to make myself read with the kids. I do fine on good days with the reading, but it is still something I have to make a conscious choice to do. I know that sounds crazy to some, but it is the way it is. I pray as I choose to read and bake it will get easier each time. On my hard days I don't do much of anything, but those days are fewer and further between.

I asked Joey to come home this afternoon so I could go to Hobby Lobby and get new things for Janie's grave. They were having a sale. Woo Hoo! I picked out the flowers and then went hunting for a new flag and things. WELL.... Christmas has taken over Hobby Lobby!! I could have cried in the store because they didn't realize that I needed garden things out all year so that I can take care of my baby girl's grave. I was able to find some wooden flowers that I am going to paint. I got 4 tulips, one for each of her siblings, and one daisy for her that I can put her picture in. They will sit in front of her stone in place of her current 4 flowers. I am going to go searching online and look in Michael's for a new garden flag.

I sat with her for about 30 min, all I could handle in this heat. I tended to her area. I accidently broke her pinwheel. I talked to her and talked to God. I read through Psalm 30 while I sat there. God reached out to me through it! I am going to type it as I read it while sitting there as a prayer.

I will extol You, O Lord, lift me up, and do not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I am crying out to You, please heal me....I will sing praise to You Lord, and give thanks at the remembrance of Your holy name. Your anger is bu for a moment, Your favor is for life; we are in the night weeping, may Your joy come in the morning. Now in my prosperity I said, "I shall never be moved." Lord, by Your favor make me a mountain that will stand strong; Your face seems hidden, and I am troubled. I am crying out to You, O Lord; and to You I am making supplication: "What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth? Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!" Please turn my mourning into dancing; put off my sackcloth and cloth me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

We are in a desert right now as we search for a church position. There are oasis' in the desert of grief, and we are at a time in our journey where we are need of an oasis, not just a mirage.

Here are some new pictures of Janie Beth's spot. Sorry for everything being crooked. LOL I guess it is a crooked day for me. :)

Here is her name on the back of her stone.

A Surprise

My dear husband got me a great surprise!!!

It is a pillowcase. :) Now I get to sleep with my baby girl. :) Although, her head is bigger than mine. LOL It brought tears to my eyes when he brought me back to our room. He is a special catch!!! God blessed me to let me walk this journey with Joey Karr!! So, she now has another special spot in our house! All the kids want one too. :)

Photo Album & Things

I had to get some of Janie Beth's pictures printed and I ended up getting 164 4x6's. LOL We bought a photo album yesterday. I am so excited to have them in our house!!! The pictures make her more real. They are tangible. I have all her pictures on my computer and can look at them anytime, but I can touch these pictures!! I can't wait to get the rest of her pictures printed, but for now I am very happy with what I have. :) One day I hope to scrapbook everything. One day!

It did take me a little by surprise that it felt so much more real. It was hard at times to sort because it brought the memories back more fresh. Her album sits on a little table between the kids little recliners, at least for now.

She also has other spots in the house. I took pictures today to share. :)
Here is the album.

Her molds and imprints. I am going to paint the prints, but haven't yet.

The flowers on the left are from the roses Joey gave Janie Beth and I for Christmas. I dried them. The picture is of pictures of her name. The other roses are from my MOMs club. There is one rose for each member of the family, except Joy Michelle.

Here are her animals and blankets. The pink one is my Janie Beth lamb.

A close up of the shelf.

Here is her basket with some other animals that are hers.

Her ornament from String of Pearls.

Some special little things on my dresser. The cross says "You Are A Child of God". She is more than an angel, she is a child of God.

Here are the bracelets from Sufficient Grace Ministries. I love looking at them, wearing mine and KJ wearing hers. I believe Joy Michelle may get a picture with Janie Beth's on. :)

If you noticed there are 3 different windmills scattered amongst her things and a little pitcher. They are from Holland. My dad's family lived in Germany for a few years when he was a teenager, and I got those after my Granny died. They are special to me and windmills are free in the wind like Janie Beth. :)

Thank you for letting me share Janie Beth's special places with you!!

An Apology

I want to apologize to anyone that I may have hurt with my last post!!! I am sending you (((HUGS)))!!

I never meant to hurt anyone, but knew when writing that I could easily with the way I chose to type things. I really shouldn't have even written the post. Now, I am wondering whether to delete it. It was more something to flesh out with God because it was about my feelings. And we all know how feelings can go!!

It really took me off guard that I was affected the way I was because normally I am not. I guess this is a good lesson for me on finding my way with new people. :)  I tend to focus on the kiddos I have here, and I usually recognize that God puts everyone through different trials and my trials are no worse or no better than anyone else's. They are different and they are for me. My trials do not make me better than anyone else either.

I believe God had to remind me today of those things! I am not entitled to anything. This is the journey I have been called to walk and everyone else has their journey that God has called them to walk, and who am I to compare them!! How arrogant of me!!

Abba Father, may You forgive me for my arrogance and hurtful words. I know words can do just as much damage as punches. You have even told me that my tongue is sharper than any two-edged sword. Forgive me for letting it wag away. May You tame my tongue and change my heart. Mold me into the woman that You want me to be. Help me to be there for others in their pain, and never to think that my pain is greater. Lord, You are so loving, may You instill some of that lovingkindness in me. Thank You for Your forgiveness!!! Help any that I have hurt to be able to forgive me. And may You bless them and hold them close and bring special comfort to them during this journey of pain that they are on or have been on. Thank You for Your mercy and grace!!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

How Do You Explain?

Since we have started at a new church, most of the people there do not know the journey we are on. When asked which baby Joy Michelle is I answer 5. I am sure people wonder when they see us where the missing child is. :) Joey asked for prayer for Joy Michelle a couple weeks ago in Sunday School and said that we had lost our last baby girl in December due to a rare disorder. Well, they don't really have a clue what that means.

This past Sunday, our teacher told us that most people in the class had been touched by that and even he had through his children. I so wanted to say ours wasn't a miscarriage because I assumed he was talking about that. I should have asked him what he meant. I wanted to clarify that our baby girl lived. She was carried almost to term. She has touched my life beyond words. She has changed our family. I do not want to make it sound like Janie Beth is more important than a miscarriage, but she affected me far more than either of my miscarriages did. I have walked the miscarriage road twice, and Janie Beth's journey is far deeper. When counting my children, I do not count the miscarriages, but I do think about them being in Heaven and wonder who they are. Janie Beth already knows. :)

I felt her move. I saw her precious body on u/s with her heart beating. I held her body. I bathed her. We have many pictures of her. We knew she wasn't going to live, but we carried her with us and tried our best to cherish every moment.

How do you explain to someone the impact such a precious life has made on you when they weren't there to watch the journey from the beginning? How do you do it without disgarding their pain over their loss? One person's pain over one thing can be just as deep as someone else's over another. Grief affects us all differently.

I may ask next week if there are any in the class that have lost an infant. I think I felt bad that I hadn't spoke up for Janie Beth. We knew her. She has a special place in our family.

I know this is all part of the journey and it will get easier in time and every situation is different. That was the first time I had been faced with that particular situation, and I felt like I downgraded Janie Beth by not saying anything. I think in reality, it made me miss her. It is hard to have someone touch your life so deeply and not be there. No one can see except God, or those that walk the journey with us.

Being new is never easy! :)

My Devotion Today

I was asked the question a couple days ago whether I ever get to the point where I ask God has it been enough now, or what else are we going to have to go through. Those are some powerful questions!! And, yes, I have found myself asking them. I have been pondering them ever since I was asked. At first, I thought maybe I didn't ask them really. But, in reality, they are just phrased slightly different, but mean the same thing. I said that when I start asking those questions I try to put my focus back on God, and I try to just take life one day at a time. If I look too far in the future, then it gets a little overwhelming, and I wonder when?. How long? What are You doing?

When pondering things, God usually shows up. ;) I will admit that I didn't pull myself out of bed this morning, so I just finished up my devotions a little bit ago, but nonetheless God showed up when I sat to meet with Him. (Isn't He great!?!) I read the end of a week about The Enemy and the beginning of the week about The School of Sorrows. In those 2 short pages, God was Big! Then, He was in my other book too. :)
So, let me share what He taught me...

First off, the Enemy (Satan) is out to get me to doubt and fear and anything that goes against God. Questioning and feeling sorry for myself are 2 of his big attacks on me! When I begin to question what God is doing, or not doing, then I have pulled the focus off of God and onto myself. Yes, I am attacked, but my God is more powerful and He will work it all to my good and His glory. Often times the attacks of the enemy lead to me being a student in The School of Sorrows. (Now, there are times when sorrows come that aren't a direct attack of the enemy, but we really don't know the difference between the 2 because we can't see what is going on in the heavenlies.) Anyways, The School of Sorrows is where I learn. It is where I grow and God teaches me. Here are some quotes (The One Year Book of Hope, by Nancy Guthrie, p.209)

suffering nourishes even as it causes pain

And yet to grow in God is to enroll in a difficult school where character is built out of persevering through difficulty.

Would you say to God even now, "If I have to go through this, then give me everything. Teach me everything you want to teach me through this. Don't let this incredible pain be wasted in my life?"

This last quote really got me! I have told God to let me learn everything I need to learn about waiting now as we wait for a job because I do not want to go through this again. But, I have forgotten that! I have begun to look at the time and lost sight of what God is trying to teach me. As the money dwindles, I need to seek how God wants us to live and not how the world thinks we should live. As I grieve my baby girl, I need to seek God on how He wants her life to change mine. I wouldn't trade Janie Beth for anything! I have been so blessed by this journey. I don't think I would trade our lack of money and a job either. It has drawn Joey and I closer. It has shown us what God wants from our family. It has given me a biblical worldview. Most of the time! I needed to be reminded.

These are the verses quoted from The Message in the devotional.
1 Peter 4:1-2
Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning rom that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

OUCH!!! That one hurt! I had fallen into the trap of thinking what I was going to get out of this journey. I had started to think that God must have something really good for us. Yikes!!! We are so ready to serve God where He has called us, at least we think we are. :) I do think that whatever God has will be good for us, but it may not look that way from the world's point of view. That is hard to swallow sometimes. But, in my heart, all I truly want to do is touch lives for Jesus, wherever that is.

I must share a quote from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman, p.146.
The fire did not arrest their motion; they walked in the midst of it. It was one of the streets through which they moved to their destiny. The comfort of Christ's revelation is not that it teaches emancipation from sorrow, but emancipation through sorrow.

No, this wasn't the road I would have chosen, but do I really know best. ;) God has truly blessed me on this road.

Here is a poem that was in this same devotion in Streams in the Desert.

"The road is too rough." I said;

"It is uphill all the way;

No flowers, but thorns instead; And the skies over head are grey."

But One took my hand at the entrance dim,

And sweet is the road that I walk with Him.

"The cross is too great," I cried--

"More than the back can bear,

So rough and heavy and wide,

And nobody by to care."

And One stooped softly and touched my hand:

"I know. I care. And I understand."

Then why do we fret and sigh;

Cross-bearers all we go"

But the road ends by-and-by

In the dearest place we know,

And every step in the journey we

May take in the Lord's own company.

Just a side note: I changed my background today, and it is called one heart in the clouds. :) I know heaven isn't really in the clouds, but a piece of my heart is there, and I thought this kind of expressed our journey.

Survivor's Guilt

Janie Beth, I miss you precious girl!!! I miss you more the more I get excited about your baby sister. My arms long to hold you and hug you. I feel as though I am walking on a tight rope. I miss you more as I get excited for your new little cousin to come. I am so full of emotions right now.

I dreamed the other night that I had had the baby (it ended up being a boy, which is a fear I have. LOL) and I went to church. Someone else had the baby and I walked into the auditorium and was overwhelmed with missing Janie Beth. I can still feel that feeling right now. It was unreal. I just curled up on the floor and cried in my dream. I haven't been able to shake that feeling. I realized more than ever that Joy Michelle will not make everything better. I will always miss Janie Beth.

Joey, my all wise hubby :), thinks that I may have a form of "survivor's guilt" with being excited for Joy Michelle, which makes me long for Janie Beth more. It sure makes sense to me!! I know God will help me find my footing on this new path that I find myself on. The journey of grief is ever changing! Curves come with no warning, and there are many forks in the road with none being easier than the other just different.

I am actually feeling better at this moment than I was when I started this post. There was a 15 min break or so where I just talked to Joey. It helps to talk to others. I also took a minute to pray my favorite verses (Eph 3:20, Num 6:24-26). All I need to do is reach out to Him and He is there!

I even let myself cry, and that tends to help me too! I feel cleansed. LOL God gave us tears for a reason.

Last night I even came across tears in the Bible.
Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for owing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Thank You, Abba!!!! You are so gracious!!

We (the kids and I) went to visit Janie Beth last week. I wish someone could have taken a picture of us. :) Katie Jo brought her Bible with us and wanted us to read Genesis 1:1. We actually read a few verses. We all sat around her headstone. I wasn't quick enough to get a picture of the kids sitting down, but I do have one of Eli. It was nice to go and sit with her. I know it is crazy, but I like having pictures of the kids with her stone since she isn't here. I really hope to freshen up her stuff soon!! Everything is so faded from the sun. As I was thinking about a picture of us sitting there, I thought about what we would have looked like to God looking down at us. :) I thought that maybe He called Janie Beth over and pointed us out. :) I know that probably didn't happen, but it still made me smile.

Here is Eli... I was going to get a picture of him looking at the stone, but he turned and said "cheese". LOL