Really??

Are you sure this is my life? Do I really have a huge piece of my heart in Heaven with a precious little girl that I didn't get enough time with? Was she really in my belly? Did I really feel her move? Did I really hold her? Did I really see her and feel her? Has it really been almost a year? Was part of my Christmas really going to the cemetary? Is this really my life?

Right now, my life feels surreal again. I have kept myself pretty busy the last several days. They were fun days spent with family playing games, but then I would come home and there was someone missing. The ache is so deep it takes my breath away at times. It hurts that a year has gone by. She is getting further and further away! My memories are fading, and there are so few. I worked so hard to make tangible memories with her last year, molds and imprints, that I forgot to really cherish her. That breaks my heart!!! I want so much to hold her and talk to her. I miss her so much!!!

Christmas Eve I had to go to Wal-Mart. (I got there at 8 am so that I would beat the crowd. LOL I had a few ingredients to get.) I was going to check out and then remembered that I needed infant Tylenol. As I walked to the other side of the store, I had to pass the flowers. I felt drawn to the flowers. After getting the Tylenol, I went back to the flowers. I picked up some pink roses. There were 3 in that bundle. They were dark pink. Then, I saw the ones. The ones Joey had given Janie Beth and I at Christmas time last year. Those were the ones! They are light pink with dark pink around the edges. I bought a dozen. I told Joey I want him to buy them for me every year at Christmas! They make Janie's presence a little more real. We took one of them to her grave on Christmas Eve. It was the lightest one in the dozen. It was perfect for her.

Whatever day it is, my mind is in last year. Those days just keep re-playing in my head. I am so thankful that she was still here at Christmas last year! But, I knew our time was short. I wrote that in my journal the week before her birthday several times. Little did I know just how short our time left was!

Has it really been a year since I went to the doctor and saw my baby girl on the u/s one last time? Her chest was still small. I asked him to check me because I thought things were happening down there. You should have seen the look on his face when he checked me! He was quite surprised. I was 4 cm and 60-80% effaced. He told me to get dressed and come to his office. He was going out of town, of course! We set up an induction for Jan 6 because we didn't want her head to get too big. It was already measuring 38 wks or so, and I was 34 wks. He told me who would be on call and that he would tell them about me. (How sad that the docs had to be forewarned about me!) He offered to induce us that Monday morning, Dec 28, but we had a few loose ends to tie first. I started contracting after that appointment and did for the rest of the day. Joey went to the funeral home and set up things with them. I have to say they were fabulous! Then, he went to the cemetary and set up things there. I am very thankful that he took care of those things! He did good taking care of his baby girl!! She is very proud of him!

Abba Father, I need you!!!! My heart aches so much. I am sorry that I have neglected my time with you! I have been trying to do it on my own, and we all know how that goes. I guess I felt if I didn't get with You it wasn't real. Please go deeper than my pain. Write my faith for the days ahead. Be strong where I am so incredibly weak. May You be glorified through this journey. May You show us how to celebrate Janie Beth's birthday and Heavenly birthday. Will You tell her how much I love her. Fill the hole with You and Your love, Abba. Be big in my life and through my life. Her life was for a reason. I will believe. I love You! Carry me, Lord God Almighty. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!!!! This year is very bittersweet as we are missing Janie Beth and rejoicing over Joy Michelle. I am so thankful to have this time to celebrate Jesus' birth! Without Him I would never have my family whole again.

Trisha shared this poem on her blog.
written by a boy who died of a brian tumor


My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year


Here are a few pictures of the kids in their Christmas clothes...
My Janie Lamb is in the last few pictures. :) Thanks Brianna!!!!

Seven!!!

There is no way that my first born is 7 already!!! But, alas, he is. :( This past year has flown by, well the whole 7 years has flown by actually!! I had no idea the night that Josiah was born how much being a mother would change my life. :)

Josiah, you have matured so much this year, especially the last few months. You have grown in your knowledge of the Lord this year too. I believe God has amazing plans in your future. You are in first grade now, and doing very well! Math is your favorite, and comes very easy to you. You have made great strides in reading in the last month, and it won't be too long before you are a fluent reader. I look forward to watching you with science and geography this next semester. You can also memorize scripture extremely well!! Now, we are working on applying it, especially where Eli is concerned. :) You are a good big brother, but you and Eli definitely need time away from each other. He looks up to you so much and wants to do everything you do. You are so tender and loving with Joy Michelle, and you and Katie Jo just click. You and Katie Jo are closer than either of you realize and I pray that it stays that way. You definitely have no memory of her not being in your life.

You did 2 seasons of soccer this year. You have made remarkable progress in your play. You even dislocated your knee cap in the fall, but it popped back before you needed therapy. When you went to the doctor in Oct, you were 47 lb and 47 in.

You are still a fan of Nascar, but you are now a pretty big fan of football. Although, you do try to annoy your father by pulling for whatever team Alabama is playing. :) Florida and Auburn are your favorite right now. You would be considered a fair weather fan. LOL Your plan is to play football this next fall. You have played golf with Dad several time this year. You shaved 30 strokes off of your score! You love having a special day just you and Dad.

You are a big help for me during the day! You are the best cleaner of the kids. :) Lately you have been building elaborate castles and setting up mega wars in your room with blocks and army men. It all goes well until time to clean up. :) That part is never fun.

I am blessed to by your Mom and I am excited to watch you grow and mature. I love you so much, and I pray that I grow to love and cherish you even more. I plan to pray and ask God to show me specific verses to pray over you this year. God has awesome things in store for your 7th year of life. He is going to bless you! You have given your heart to Jesus, and I pray that God will grow you in the grace and knowledge of Him, and grow the fruit of the Spirit in you. I love you, Josiah Mark!

Here are some pictures of your year...

 You made your first pizza at Dominos

 Lost your first tooth!

 Got Poison Oak

 You have always loved to sleep in weird positions and places!

 Finished your first book in Sparks

 Graduated Kindergarten!

 Got hit by a bat that was swung by Eli

 Went to the Fire Station

 Go Eagles!

 Became a big cousin

 Became a big brother again... twice
Janie Beth

Joy Michelle

 Posed for many pictures. LOL

 Made it all the way across!

Received your RA vest

 Still your crazy self!

It is amazing how much you have grown in the last year when you look at the first picture compared to the last! 

How in the world did I forget that you graduated Kindergarten!! Maybe this year didn't go by as quick as I thought because I had forgotten about a lot of this stuff! So glad to have pictures!

HAPPY 7th BIRTHDAY Josiah Mark!!! You gave me the title Mommy :)

Light of the World

This song is on Point of Grace's cd A Christmas Story
Of course I can only find the words and not the song without downloading it.
Words and Music by Brent Bourgeois


Light of the world
Shine down on Bethlehem
God in His glory has sent us a Son
Shout from on high
And out in the street
Jesus our Savior is born!

Bright shining star
Shine down on everyone
God in His mercy has sent us a Son
The shepherds will cry
Praise to the Lord!
Jesus our Savior is born!

Alleluia baby Jesus
Alleluia baby Jesus
Jesus our Savior is born
Sing Alleluia

Light of the world
Shine down on Bethlehem
God in His glory has sent us a Son
Shout from on high
And out in the street
Jesus our Savior is born!

Alleluia baby Jesus
Alleluia baby Jesus
Jesus our Savior is born
Sing Alleluia


I was playing my cd the other day and this song really struck me. The Light of the World came down at Christmas time!!! Without the Light of the World I would not be making it on this journey. His light has shown in different ways on this dark journey, and sometimes it has only been a pin size light, but there has always been light if I am willing to search for it. What would I be doing if this journey was completely dark! Jesus is the Light that shines in the darkness.
 
I wrote in my status that we would be going to look at Christmas lights tonight, and I am trying to focus on being thankful that Janie Beth is seeing an amazing showcase of lights being in the presence of the Light of the World and not being sad that she isn't here.
 
Can you imagine!?! I can't! I do not eve know how to begin to imagine what the Light of the World looks like.
 
Then, I went and read a devotional in my email and it was about Jesus being the Light of the World and slowing down like Mary and focusing on Jesus. It suggested preparing dinner, eating dinner, and doing the dishes by candlelight. Then, discuss 1 John 1:5, "God is light and in Him there is no darkness at all." Afterward, go look at Christmas lights with some hot chocolate.
 
What a wonderful way to remember that Jesus is the Light! We are going to look a Christmas lights tonight and we may very well be in candlelight tonight!
 
In this world we live in, we are in major need of the Light!!
 
Father, teach me to never miss Your light!

A Moment

I all of the sudden felt the need to cry, to bawl. Why? What brought it on? I do not know for sure. Maybe it is...

the fact that a dear lady just had a miscarriage

the fact that my kids talk about Janie Beth to visitors and try to show them her pictures. It touches my heart that they don't forget and they want to share her too!

the fact that we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight and Janie Beth went with us last year

the fact that I am done Christmas shopping and there is nothing for her

the fact that I saw the same "J" Christmas flag on another baby girl's grave picture on another blog, and it made me want to go sit with her and see her

the fact that we are going to meet some friends to play that I called on on very hard days in January to meet us to play (not sure why it is different this time.)

the fact that Josiah's birthday is tomorrow

the fact that I want her remembered!!! And I was overwhelmed when Joey searched his name on google and the article that was written here about NILMDTS has been published in many papers, esp Christian ones, around the United States. Janie Beth has travelled further than I have! I pray she touched many lives. Wow!!! She isn't forgotten!

the fact that a dear friend didn't forget Janie Beth!! She even remembered her when it snowed. Thank you, Erin!!!

My heart didn't start out heavy today, but it is now. Grief has a mind of its own!

Abba Father, please come in and heal my heart!! God deeper than my pain! Carry me through these days. I miss her so much! Be big, God. Please, be big! I need You in ways I do not even realize. I lean on You more than I even realize. I pray that I love You deeper than I realize. I want to love You more. Thank You for this time of celebrating Jesus' birth!!! Thank You for making a way for my family to one day be all together again! Please save each member of my family so that they can be with us in Heaven, so we can praise You all together. Please give Janie Beth an extra hug for me! Tell her I love her. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Memories

Amanda shared this poem on her blog. She received it in a Christmas card from the funeral home that did precious Caroline's funeral. How true!

"Around the Christmas table

there's an empty chair this year....
The precious smile is missing
of someone we still hold dear.

And yet our hearts are hopeful,
though the season's bittersweet,
Because we know the one we love
has filled another seat.

For another banquet table
abounds with joy and love
For those who've made the journey
to be with our Lord above. "


I remember very well sitting down to eat at the kitchen table for the first time after Janie Beth passed away, and I kept looking at the empty chair. That empty chair had so much meaning now! That chair now has a booster seat reclined in it for Joy Michelle, but I wonder what Janie Beth would look like in it sitting upright, and having a high chair in the corner.

Memories are hard! My memories are not as vivid anymore of my time with Janie Beth. I am so thankful that I wrote in her journal so that I can be refreshed of what we did each day. I can't remember the feel of her anymore, and my arms still ache to hold her little body even as they are filled with Joy Michelle's small body. I wonder just how tall Janie Beth might have been at Christmas time, and I know she would have been darn cute!

Memories are hard to make too. I was talking with some friends a couple weeks ago, and I said that I am still having trouble baking things. I just can't bring myself to do things from scratch very often, esp right now with the holidays. My precious friend said that it would be hard because it would be making memories. How true!! I hadn't thought of it like that. Part of my problem is we are making memories and she isn't here. Why baking is my issue, I do not know, but I know it will slowly come back. I have started baking some lately with pre-done mixes. Hey, it is a start!

I make memories with the kids, but all the while I am picturing what it might be like if Janie Beth was here too. When I am in the girls room, I picture her little self in there. It makes me smile as well as tear up. Then, I try to picture what she must be doing in Heaven, and I realize that it is better than I can even begin to picture! Change the perspective! (I seem to have to do this quite often. :))

There were so many dreams of the memories we would make with Janie Beth; little did we know what shape thoses memories would take.

We were reading "The Legend of the Three Trees" this morning. (A book you must have!) It talks of three different trees God created and what their dreams were.

One dreams of being a treasure chest holding beautiful things. It becomes a manger, holding the best treasure ever, Jesus.

Another dreams of being an elite ship carrying kings and queens. It becomes a small ship that carries Jesus and the disciples across the sea.

The last dreams of always staying on the moutaintop to remind people of God's creation. It becomes a cross that will forever remind people of God and what He did for us.

The last page in the story goes like this...
Each of the three trees' dreams came true-- in ways even bigger than they had imagined! And so it is with each of us: if we follow God's path, we will travel far beyong even our greatest dreams.

WOW! That is all I can say! God speaks to me even through a children's book. :)

Janie is Decorated :)

We went last week and decorated Janie Beth's grave. We waited until the warmest day of the week, Friday. :) (We are wimps in the south when it comes to cold. :))

I love the way it turned out!!!! Joey bought some of the solar lights so that there will always be light around her grave. Her light will never leave our family!

 One pink rose for Janie. Pink roses are my symbol for her.

 We must never forget to BELIEVE!

 Her special 2010 ornament. :)