I Will Carry You

My friend, Jennifer, got me the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. I have read 2 chapters so far and it is very good. It has flooded me with memories though! I don't mind because I love remembering my baby girl, but it makes me long to hold her and kiss her. The reasons for our babies going to heaven are different, but our journeys are similar. Her journey helped me a lot in the days following Janie Beth's diagnosis. I look forward to journeying through the rest of the book!!

God carried me through the day yesterday!! We went to church and I even made it through baby dedication. I did begin to cry when I saw them all lined up waiting to go up, but it wasn't sobbing. I tried to concentrate on Janie Beth being in heaven and the beauty of it and the wonderful things she is expecting. It helped me keep my focus. I also imagined her looking down at me. :) She is so special to me!

I held the molds of her hand and foot. I tried to remember what it felt like to have her hold me finger. I rubbed her foot and looked at her perfect little toes, and I realized that she had my feet. It made me smile, but it also gave a pang in my heart. She is the only one of my children so far to have my feet. :) I am blessed.

Here are her precious feet. Mine look just like them from the bottom, but bigger.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to my precious Mommy friends. I wish I could send a note to each of you that are hurting this morning! I should have thought ahead and worked on them throughout the week. Those of you who are hurting are in my prayers this morning! And in my thoughts and prayers throughout this day. I am thinking of all our little ones playing together this morning bragging about their mommy's!! Doesn't it bring a smile to your face. :)

Don't try to stop your tears today, but remember to smile with them some too. You are blessed even though your precious little one is not with you. They gave you the wonderful title of Mother! They have forever changed the way you are and their mark in your life with reach further than you will ever know. :)

I am sending love and hugs to each of you today!!!!
Love, Michelle

I changed my mind. :) I FIXED THE LINK!!!!

I have decided to start a new blog for our day to day lives. It is a woman's right to change her mind. LOL :)

Here is the link to The Journey of the Karr's.

Because of this, I will be changing things around here more to gear it towards Janie Beth and all that God is teaching me.

Brokenhearted Love

Molly Piper wrote this post called Brokenhearted Love, and I wanted to share it with you all. It is wonderful, and it spoke to me. I want to reach out to someone else who is hurting and let them know they are remembered.

Love to you all!!!

Self-pity

That is where I have found myself this afternoon and evening. Mother's Day has been on mind and I have been feeling quite sorry for myself. I have been living through this week pretending that Mother's Day wasn't really coming or going to happen. Denial is easy, but so cruel! Once you come out of it, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I have just been focusing on trying to make it through the day and baby dedication and just putting myself on auto-pilot. There is no telling what I would have looked like Sunday morning if I was in auto-pilot mode! LOL

Anyways, tonight in my time with God I realized what I had been doing. I sought His forgiveness and asked Him to change my heart. He is so cool when you do that sincerely because He does it. :) Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am going to let God use me as His hands. What could be better!?! I want to bring Him glory through this journey and bring others hope. God is still there and He loves us just as much today when we are hurting as He did yesterday before the storm started, if not more.

I still miss Janie Beth! I still wish I was dedicating her to the Lord this Sunday with all those other precious little ones. But, I will be thankful that she is dedicated wholy to the Lord in His presence! How could a baby dedication be any better? She is beholding His true glory and presence. I want to hold her and kiss her and my heart still aches, but I have peace and joy because my focus is different. The Lord truly is strong where we are weak! Amen!!!

As you go through this Mother's Day remember that many are hurting and rejoicing. It is bittersweet. I will cherish my children that God has allowed me to still have here on earth, but I will long for Janie Beth too. Give someone a hug who looks like they are miles away. It may not be that she has lost a baby, but rather that she longs for one and God has not given her one yet. Mother's Day is hard for so many, and sadly I never realized it until it was hard for me.

Here I am with each of my babies the day they made me a mother.

Josiah

Katie Jo

Eli

Janie Beth

God's Love

In Sunday School, or Life Group (whatever you want to call it ;)), we were discussing God's love. We were to discuss as a class if we had had a moment when it clicked that God loves us and we love Him. Although, it was phrased much better than that. This has been going over in my head since then.

I was actually praying last year that God would draw me more in love with Him. God has drawn me closer to Him in the last 6 months, and I love Him deeper than I have before in my life. I have also had other times in my life where God has drawn me closer to truly loving Him. Were these in easy times? No. Were they always tragic times in my life? No. But, they were times when I had to struggle. They were times when I had to rely on God. They were times when God was more real to me and teaching me. Have I learned about God in the good times? Sure, but not in the same way. You learn about His goodness, and often times that becomes your focus instead of God Himself.

I am not saying that everyone needs to have a tradegy to truly love God. But, God will have to break you in order for you to lose yourself and gain Him. Many of my falling in love with God times was having to face a sin in my life and replace it with God. Forgiving someone is hard sometimes, and I drew nearer to God by having to have Him forgive through me. Being in a place that we were not content with being in drew me closer to God. It made me seek Him and what He wanted in my life. Digging into His word and applying it to my life draws me closer. I love doing Bible studies that have been written by wonderful people of faith and I have grown in amazing ways through some of them. But, studying God's word for myself is awesome too!! When God opens my eyes and shows me His truth, it is amazing. And to think that He loves me and that is why He shows me.

Tradegy is a major way that God draws me closer to Him. When I prayed that prayer last year, I had no idea that God would use Janie Beth to draw me closer to Him by taking her to heaven, but you know what? If I had to go back and relive last year, I would still pray that prayer knowing what would happen. Do I want tradegy in my life? No, but the rainbows in the rain are so much brighter! I wish I could get close to God by life being rosy all the time, but that is not our human nature.

A dear lady once said that she prays for God to break her. That can be a scary prayer when you think of all God could do. But, it is for my good and His glory. He has brought me through some rough times, and I know He will bring me through whatever is in my path. I will chose to remember and stand on God's promises!! He will bring me, the pot of clay, through the fire and I will be a vessel for Him.

I love God, but I know I have far to go. I will never love Him wholly until I get to heaven. He will bring me deeper throughout my life as we travel this road of life together. Each step will be different, and some harder than others. But, I would rather take those steps than stay where I am!

Thank You Abba for loving me enough to put obstacles of all different kinds in my way to draw me closer to You!!! I love You, and I pray that You will draw me closer to You and deeper in love with You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Happy Babylost Mother's Day

I am thinking of all the babylost mommy's that I have met over the last 6 months and praying for each of you today. There are more than I ever realized. I pray that God would bless each of you in a special way today and hold you close. Each of your babies blessed this world for however long they were in it, and they each changed you, as their mother, into a better mother and woman.

Instead of being sad that I am a part of this day; I am thanking God for blessng me with the privilege of being Janie Beth's mommy!! She is a precious little girl and I am thankful that I got to carry her while she was in this world. I am blessed to be a babylost mother. Without going through the trenches my love for God wouldn't grow in the same way. It would grow, but it wouldn't be as deep and real.

THANK YOU, ABBA!!!! You have done exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think! I love You!!!