Reflections

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I know of a couple women going through a very difficult time this week. One lady's mom is deathly ill and may not survive, probably won't. One lady just found out her baby will not live outside the womb, if he/she is born alive at all.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about them for quite some time. I then thought about the fact that Easter is this Sunday. How could you go to worship on Easter Sunday if your mom just died? How do you go to worship on Easter Sunday when the baby that you love so much is not going to be with you very long without a miracle from God this side of Heaven?

Finding out about this precious lady who had a horrible doctor's appointment yesterday just brought me back to mine. I thought of the songs that I sang so much during Janie's journey, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms and Because He Lives.

Because He Lives, that is the reason that I would go to worship Easter Sunday! If Jesus didn't live, then what would be the point. Because He lives, I have hope! Because He lives, I will see Janie again. Because He lives, I have comfort when a loved one dies, and I get to rejoice if they are meeting Jesus face to face. Do I still hurt? YES!!! But God....

No matter the hard time that I am facing, or you are facing. Let us not lose sight of the One who goes before us (Deut 31:3). Let us not forget that He walks with us and will not leave us (Deut 31:8). The glory of the Lord shall be our rear guard (Is 58:8) and the angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him and delivers them (Ps 34:7).

The storm clouds are raging, but the sun is always shining behind them. The storm clouds of life may be raging this Easter Sunday morning, but the Son is shining behind them. There will come a day when the clouds part and He will descend!

Because He Lives
Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone

Because I know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives!!!!

In Tune with God

And behold, there was a man in Jerusalem whose name was Simeon, and this man was just and devout, waiting for the Consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him....So he came by the Spirit into the temple... Luke 2:25,27

and this woman [Anna] was a widow of about eighty-four years, who did not depart from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. Luke 2:37

Simeon and Anna were in tune with God. They saw Jesus and knew Him. Most of Israel didn't believe because Jesus didn't come as they expected or do what they thought He should.

Jesus rarely comes as we think He should and He rarely does things the way we expect.

I should spend time in prayer and the Word so I am in tune with Him and won't miss Him. How many opportunities have I missed because I didn't recognize Jesus or realize He was the one moving?

I am too worried about my fleshly desires that I miss out on the Living Water. Things don't turn out quiet like I wanted and I covet the person's life that looks the way I thought mine would. Sadly, its usually materialistically, but it can even be spiritually.

I need to be satisfied with what I am given even when its not the way I pictured it. Although, I should never be satisified with my life spiritually!!! God will not be through with me until I stand before Him in glory, so I should always be pressing toward the goal of the upward call of Christ. God has a plan, and it is a good plan!

I desire Jesus to be enough; even if I lost it all that Jesus would still be enough!

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Look at Jesus story. Is it the way you would have done things? Not me! But His story had to be that way in order for us to have eternal life.

Looking at my own story, it isn't the way I would have written it, but it is the way it needs to be in order for me to be what God wants me to be. This is the road I walk daily as I carry my cross and follow Him. I should not bemoan! He is using my road to do things I can't see. I pray it is drawing others to Himself!

As we read The Legend of the Three Trees a couple days ago, I was once again struck by the last page:
Each of the three trees' dreams came true--in ways even bigger than they had imagined! And so it is iwth each of us: if we follow God's path, we will travel far beyond even our greatest dreams.

Abba Father, thank You for my life. Thank You for the journey my life has taken as it has drawn me ever closer to You. You do things Your own way, and Your way is far better than my way! Help me to be in tune with You. Adjust my heart to be one with Yours. I want to see Jesus each and every day. I don't want to miss out. I want to expect the unexpected, and find You. I desire Jesus to be enough! Work through my life, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

Where do I start? It has been a while!! It hasn't been that I don't want to write, or type, or that I don't have things I want to share. I have been searching where I am to go, if that makes any sense. I started this blog to help me carry Janie Beth even though she was going to be with Jesus, then it helped me find my way in my new normal. It was a way to share my feelings and the things God was teaching me. I still walk Janie Beth's journey every day because I am her mother. She is a thread that runs through the entire tapestry of my life, but she is not the only thread nor is she the consuming thread.

So, where does that leave my blog??

I realized as I came to type this post, which I have written time and again in my head, that the title of my blog is still true. This is our journey, and I do have to Lean on the Everlasting Arms daily! I screw up!!! I realize every time I get after my kids for how they talk or do something, and then realize it sounded just like me! Man, that humbled me big time when God opened my eyes to that one. But, He did it to help me let go and let Him. I cannot do this mothering thing by myself! I must lean on Him moment by moment.

I have been memorizing Romans 12 (WOW!!). I can't get past the first verse without being amazed and challenged, but there is one verse that I really want to be a part of my life, yet I fail constantly.

Romans 12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.

Love sincerely. I want to love others sincerely, like Jesus. I have also been reading through John and really studying Jesus since we are supposed to be like Him. He loved sincerely. Whoever He met, He truly cared for them. He was full of compassion. The other person came first. I want to be like that! I want to truly care for the other person with whom I come in contact with, whether they be a friend or stranger. I want to seek their good. I get stumped by this daily! I pray daily that God would love my kids through me because I can't love them the way they need to be loved. I need to lean on those arms moment by moment!

I need to lean on the arms to accept the grace and forgiveness given to me when I mess up. I can't stand around beating myself up! (I can do this very well!!!) I have to allow the blood of Jesus to truly wash me white as snow. That is hard because Satan is constantly trying to bring it back up, but I will lean and choose to listen to God!

I am not sure exactly where my blog will go as I seek His face, but I pray that it is focused on Jesus. I don't want others to see a Christian when they look at me; I want them to see Jesus when they look at me. I will cling to the promise that He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it! I will strive for the upward call of Jesus. I will run the race. I will fall with my face in the mud, but I will get back up and keep going. I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms of Jesus because He is my coach in this race of life. He sees the obstacles up ahead. He knows exactly what I need.

At this moment, I feel as though I am in a boot camp of sorts. I believe we all have multiple boot camps in our lives because that is where God gets us ready for the race ahead. He is stripping me down right now. It hurts, and there are times I quit and have to come crawling back, but He always welcomes me open arms! He is awesome like that!!!

I am crawling back as I have been beating myself up and allowing the enemy to make just stand still. God has been showing me things, and I have felt the need to share, but I have been allowing doubt to come in which is making me stand still. OUCH! God doesn't want me to stand still, you get lukewarm that way. He wants me on fire for Him.

Abba Father, please draw me back to You! I desire to truly know You this Christmas season. I want You to strip away the excess around my heart, and make me Yours alone. I want Jesus, and I want all of Him! You have promised me life, and life to the fullest, and I am laying claim to that promise. Lord, be glorified in me. No more lukewarm, standing still, I want to be on fire for Jesus. I want to anticipate the baby in the manger. Here I am, Lord, I am Yours, and I want You to send me. Do not pass me by. I accept Your call of motherhood, and I desire to lean on Your arms as I take up my cross daily and follow after You. I want You to be my true heart's desire. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

He is still there...

We were driving to church Sunday morning. I wasn't in the best place because it was raining, so it was highly possible that we wouldn't make it to the cemetary. I was frustrated with myself because I had forgotten the flowers that I wanted to put in Janie's vase Saturday while we were out and about. Plus, it was baby dedication Sunday. We dedicated Joy in November, so this wasn't my first time to participate in dedication since losing Janie Beth, but it was different being on Mother's Day.

As we were driving, I noticed that the storm clouds were moving, but the clouds behind them were not. The bright white clouds with the sun's rays surrounding them were standing firm behind the storm clouds. They weren't moving. It reminded me of something God taught me not too long after Janie Beth passed. The sun is always shining behind the storm. Just because it is storming doesn't mean that the sun has left. It is the same with life. When the storms of life come, the Son is still shining behind the clouds! Just because life is hard and dark and the storm is raging, it doesn't mean that the Son has left us. He is standing firm behind the clouds.

Sometimes the storms of life clear up all at once. Those are amazing!! But, usually it is like the clouds on Sunday; the storm clouds slowly blow away and reveal that white, fluffy, bright clouds behind full of the Son's rays. That is what God is doing in our lives. He seems to be slowly moving the storm clouds away. They are still surrounding us, but there are now glimpses of white clouds and blue skies. I don't know how long it will take for the sky to clear and the sun to shine, but I do know that it will be in God's perfect time. His timing is not my timing, but it is perfect timing!!!

God even met me at church (imagine that!?! :)). He knew I needed a reminder that He was there, even though He had met me as we drove into town for church. We stand to sing the welcoming song, and it is none other than "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms"!!! My song through Janie's journey. The name of my blog. I cried! God cares! He sees the little things. Jesus hugged me through that song. What a special way for Janie Beth to be a part of Baby Dedication. We dedicated Timothy (yes, he was born, and I hope to blog about it soon! Our Easter baby) and all 5 of his siblings were mentioned from the pulpit. Janie Beth is a proud big sister!

God is still there!

Thank You, Abba, for caring about the little things. Thank You for knowing what I need even more than I do! I didn't even know I needed that song. Thank You for the storm clouds because it is in the storm that I draw nearer to You. Thank You for the white clouds and the sun that shines because they show me that there is hope; the storm will not last forever. I love You, Father! Thank You, Jesus, for hugging me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

With My Whole Heart

WOW!!! That is all I can say about how Amazing God's word is!! It is so full. It is alive and active. It compliments itself. It all works together. God has been showing me some awesome things and I feel as though I am on the verge of putting the pieces in the puzzle. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a major break through about to jump into the presence of God! I can't put the feeling into words that fills my heart!

I have been seeking God wholeheartedly this year. He is showing me verse after verse. They all connect; yet, they are all written years and years apart. It is so excited! The funny thing is, it catchs me off guard each time! I go in expecting God to speak to me through His word, but then He lets it all work together to reenforce itself. WOW!!!

I have also started the study Experiencing God. I cannot tell you how excited I am!! I haven't done a study like this in quite some time. I trully want to experience God this year. I was super stoked when Joey told me that he thought I should do a study this semester because it would be encouraging for me. And what study is available!?! Experiencing God. That is the aim as I seek Him with my whole heart this year. Isn't He good!?!

I have so many thoughts swarming in my head right now that I can't get them coherently down. :) I pray that God will give me time to put these amazing puzzle pieces together and begin to write about all the nuggets He is showing me.

I just wanted to hop on today and say my God is an Awesome God!!!! Worthy to be praised!!! He answers prayers in amazing ways!!! He loves me! :O That is so humbling. The fact that He is teaching me so much is humbling.

Abba, thank You! May You continue to grow me in the grace and knowledge of my Savior Jesus Christ. Continue to prune my heart so that it can seek You wholeheartedly. I want You to be my treasure. Show me Your will, Father. This is Your day. May You be lifted up and glorified through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I can't wait to share everything God is showing me!!! I feel like a little kid in a toy store. :)

Walking With You~ Week 2

This is week 2 on Walking With You.
If you are a mother who has heard the words incompatible with life, what happened next for you? Share about the waiting if your journey continued. How did you walk that path? What were some of your feelings? What did you do to form lasting memories? What were your struggles? Things you found comfort in?

After learning that Janie Beth would likely not live after birth, I just tried to breathe and make it through each moment. I sang "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" quite often because that is exactly what I was doing, and that is why I named my blog Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. Many times it felt like I was watching someone else walk in my shoes. We fell completely out of our routine in school. We maybe did a day or two after getting her diagnosis. (But, Josiah still learned an awful lot for not doing anything!) We didn't do chores like we normally did either. I was doing the bare necesseties while I tried to figure out how to walk this path.

I did a ton of reading online! I found many blogs and read and read and read. I found organizations, Sufficient Grace Ministries and String of Pearls, that helped women who were carrying to term. Thankfully, we were never faced with the question of whether to terminate the pregnancy because I was already 28.5 weeks. I read in my Bible. I had a couple devotion books I read. I taped Bible verses around the house. I pulled out a little notebook I have that has verses written in it that I read during the really hard moments.

My favorite part of each day was while the kids were napping/resting. I would loung on the couch with my computer and just feel Janie Beth. It was hard to feel her because of all the fluid, but she usually moved during that time. I will forever cherish those times! She moved the most in church. :) The only time that I was really able to see my belly move around was the Sunday before she was born. I even told Josiah to watch. Joey was working so he wasn't there. It was priceless! Church helped me a whole lot! The songs touched my heart. (There are still songs that make my heart skip a beat when the first few chords are played!)

I started my blog to keep people updated on everything that was going on and to have a place to write the many thoughts and emotions that were constantly running through my head!

I tried my best to cherish every moment and every day. We bought a journal that we engraved her name on that I wrote in every night. I told her what we had done that day and I often times wrote about things God was teaching me and Bible verses. (Just a side note, I can’t find this journal since we moved, so prayers that it is found would be appreciated!) I felt a connection to Janie Beth during this time in the evening. I didn’t speak out loud much, but I felt as though she could tell what I was thinking, crazy as that sounds.

We went to Build a Bear and let each of the kids make a Janie Beth bear. It was a way to give them something to hold onto when they were sad or to talk to when they wanted to talk to her. It was one of the best things we did!!!! Those animals are very well loved!

We took pictures with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Our photographer was amazing!!! I am so thankful for those tangible memories!

We made each special event Janie Beth's. It was her Thanksgiving, her AL v. AU game (a big deal for college football in AL), her first snow. We even went to a movie. I prayed daily that she would still be with us for Christmas. I still remember that Thanksgiving. We went to the normal family gathering, but I felt so alone. It was so hard. Josiah's Janie bear watched the football with me. Janie Beth got hit by a snowball. We were blessed to have her for Christmas too. We bought an ornament with a dad and pregnant mom and wrote her name on the belly. I found a pink lamb that became my Janie Beth lovey.
Watching the game...

 You can see the snowball mark on my jacket. :)

We were blessed by so many!!! God wrapped us in His arms, and also in the arms of His children. Those were the hardest 6 wks!!! Every single thing was bittersweet. I felt stuck. Grief had already begun, yet I was trying to enjoy. It was a constant see-saw of emotion. I prayed daily, and often times multiple times a day, that God would write my faith! I told God exactly what I felt about the situation. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for guidance and peace. I prayed for comfort. I cried. We bought her a dress and should have bought stock in Hobby Lobby because we got so many memory makers.

I did have a turning point in my journey when I was having pity party and God met me there. I was crying out to Him and I told Him that I didn't want to walk this road! He asked me, "Why don't you want to walk this road? You have no idea where it leads." (original post) WOW!!!! He was right! I had no idea where this road was going to lead. Little did I know how many prayers Janie Beth would answer or how many lives she would touch.

God always met me right where I was and always knew just what to say. :) He is awesome like that. As I re-read my blog posts from those 6 weeks I am amazed at what all God showed me. I am amazed that I even walked that road. I truly learned what God meant when He said that where you are weak, I am strong. I was carried through those weeks!!! I was groping to find my way. I was doing all I could to breathe. Do I have regrets? Of course, but I try hard to be thankful for the things that I did do!

What a journey those 6 weeks were! They were only the beginning of a very long road.

Wholeheartedly Conquer

A Tall Order!
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it hsall be that those whom you let remain shall be irritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell. Numbers 33:55

As we are entering our Promised Land and fighting the battles to conquer it, we must drive out the inhabitants completely! There will be no short-changing God's orders! If we don't go at this wholeheartedly, then it will come back to bite us in the bootie later. OUCH! I would rather not have to deal with that.

As God calls us to change things, we must change them wholeheartedly. With our whole hearts we have sought You; Oh, let us not wander from Your commandments! (Ps 119:10) I cannot bargain with God. I must do exactly as He says.

Part of this conquering is being pruned!
"and every branch that bears fruit He pruned that it may bear more fruit."(John 15:2b)
Pruning hurts and if we don't completely (wholeheartedly) pull those bad parts off then they will come back and attack us later! God is pruning me through this pregnancy. I really can't tell you much about my pregnancy with Joy Schelle because I went through it in a daze, but I am much more aware this time! The main thing that God is pruning is fear!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

I have built my walls back up :(. I have not allowed myself to love my husband and children, and even God and Jesus. This time I am going to conquer these walls completely! I am asking God to perfect His love in me! I am wholeheartedly letting go. I want to cherish each and every moment. I do not want to fear losing someone, so then I pull back so that it won't hurt too much when I do lose them. I don't want to be hurt. But, in pulling back, I am missing out! I am tired of missing out! I have had periods of time where I cherish and periods of time where I miss out, and I am tired of it! Therefore, I am setting out into this battle to conquer fear completely and drive it out of my Promised Land and family. I do not want this to be an inheretance that I leave my children!

"For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him." (Matt. 13:12)

What am I doing with what God has given me!?! Lately I have been pushing it all away; just going through the motions. I want the abundance that God has waiting for me! I want to be faithful with what I am given. The pruning brings abundance!

I do not want to be like the Israelites!!
"and they brought back word to us, saying, 'It is a good land which the Lord our God is giving us.' Nevertheless you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the Lord your God;" (Duet. 1:25b-26)

Nevertheless!?! They knew the land was good, nevertheless they wouldn't go!! What!?! How many times does God show me a better way but I'm not willing to go because it looks too difficult to conquer!?! I have been telling God that it looks great to live a life without fear, but it will be too difficult to really conquer it. I just push it down until it comes back up. How silly does it sound to fear conquering fear!?! Seriously? But, in essence that is what I have been doing.

But, look at this amazing promise!!!

Then [Moses] said to you, 'Do not be terrified, or afraid fo them. The Lord your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes. (Deut. 1:29-30)

God goes before me! He fights for me! The sad thing is, that even after the Israelites were reminded of all that God had done for them, they still weren't willing to go and wouldn't believe. I have been just like the Israelites! Ouch!!

In my quest to wholeheartedly love God, Jesus, and my family, I am going to wholeheartedly conquer fear through the perfect love of God! :)

Thank You, Abba, for Your longsuffering! Thank You for Your mercy and grace! Forgive me for running away for so long, even when You had proven Yourself in other things. I am still a little scared to let go because it opens me up, but it will also free me. May You continue to go before me and fight for me! Thank You for taking the time to go with me into battle, for I know that without You I can do nothing!!! Cleanse my heart and make me a new creation of love. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

East of the Jordan

Before Janie Beth, I was settling on the East of the Jordan.

This morning I was reading Numbers 32. It is the chapter where the tribe of Rueben, Gad, and half of Manessah ask Moses to let them settle on the East side of the Jordan. I then moved on and read in John, but I kept thinking about settling on the East side of the Jordan.

How many times do we pitch our tents on the East side of the Jordan because it looks so good even though it isn't the Promised Land. We still get blessings on the East side when we are following God's laws, but what are we missing out on!?! It is wonderful land and our families might be safe there, but what are we missing out on? We are comfy on the East side. We aren't challenged. We don't grow. We don't change. We just hang out and have God in a little compartment of our lives.

I was living on the East side of the Jordan! I had my 3 kids. My husband had a job. We had a house. The kids went to a little 2 hour/ 3 days a week program at the local tech school where they taught teenagers how to teach preschoolers. I had what I tought was the life. God fit right in, and I could still go about doing the things I had always done. My kids were kind of like a status symbol. I had them and I loved them, and I was called their Mother, but I wasn't really mothering them. I would if it was convenient for me, but they weren't really my priority. I was the preacher's wife. I had a title and status in the community. I felt important. I was blessed. God was teaching me, but it was on the surface. Oh, He was calling me deeper, but I didn't really want to hear it. I was having a good time on the East side.

Then life got hairy. We lost our job. We got a home, but it was half the size and the garage was piled high with boxes because we didn't have room and Joey didn't have an office. We became regular church members. I had faith that God would pull us through somehow, but my life was upside down! What happened to the East side of the Jordan!?!

Then, we found our we were expecting. Yay, a bright spot in this thunderstorm we were living in. But, I had a feeling...something wasn't quite right. Little did I know just how "not right" they were. But, I trudged forward. Then, we found out Janie Beth wouldn't be able to live after birth. REALLY!?! Are you serious? "God, I don't know what You are doing, but I pray that You be glorified!" Then, Janie Beth was born Dec. 29, 2009 and then went to heaven 2 yrs ago today. Thus began an even darker storm...

But, this storm would lead me to the river's edge on the East side. All along I thought I was living in the Promised Land, but in reality I was wondering in the wilderness. I was clueless!

God used Janie Beth to part the waters of the Jordan River and call me to the true Promised Land that He had for me. Really!?! We still didn't have a job. We still lived in a small house. I now had 4 children, but 1 of them resided in Heaven. How in the world was this my Promised Land!?!

God asked me if I really wanted to be a wife and mother? Of course! That is all I have ever wanted to be and do. But, you have just used them as a status symbol. A check off your list. They are there to meet your needs. Is that truly what a wife and mother should be?

WOW!!! How little I truly knew, and still know! God called me to accept my calling as a wife and mother. It wasn't a title to just put on. It is so much more than that! It is a lifestyle. It is a huge calling! It has major responsibility. It is hard work. It is rewarding. It is a blessing. It is a true Promised Land!

No, it isn't ready made like the East side of the Jordan, already ready for the livestock and children, but it is where I am truly called to settle. There is a little obstactle. :) Isn't there always!?! :) I have to conquer this Promised Land. I have to work the land to get it ready. I have to dive in with both feet and hands and sweat. I have to fail and get back up and try again. But, it is amazing!!! The land is fruitful if I am willing to take the time to work it. My children's souls and hearts are fruitful! Will I take the time to work them and feed them? Or will I just let them grow as they wish with lots of weeds? I must build my house and make it comfy and cozy. Relaxing for my beloved. I need to make him feel cherished. Am I going to let the world do that? I could try and let it, but it would never do it.

This Promised Land is full. I want to conquer every part of it! I am just scratching the surface of the coast on the West side of the Jordan. It is already amazing, and I know I can't begin to imagine the blessings that await for me and my family as we set out and conquer our Promised Land.

In a little house, with no job, and a child in Heaven, I found the entrance to the Promised Land God has for me. Before life got hairy, I was perfectly happy to be on the East side of the Jordan. I don't know what all awaits us in the Promised Land, and I know there will be hard times, but it will all be blessed. We have God leading us and following us. He has us enclosed all around. He is our helper and our guide. We are wholeheartedly seeking Jesus and following Him on the journey into our Promised Land! It isn't at all what I would have expected, instead it is far better!

Thank You, God, for a precious baby girl named Janie Beth. Thank You for using her 22 hours to bring me on an amazing journey that brought me to the edge of the East side of the Jordan where You showed up and asked me to go deeper! Thank You for Your love and guidance. Thank You for Your grace and mercy as I fail daily. Thank You for Your patience as I have to learn the same lesson over and over. I love You! May I grow to love You more and more. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Change

I believe change is going to be a big part of our lives in 2012. Timothy will be joining our family, we pray. We will be moving somewhere; there is a particular place we are praying for. We will get some kind of job, prayerfully in a church. We will be changing how we do things around here.

2011 was about growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. I will continue to pray that prayer for my family. It has blessed us immensely this year, and I am very thankful for the ways in which God has had my family grow. He is growing us in our desires and priorities.

This year I want to take that even deeper. God has been changing mine and Joey's hearts in many ways. We took the plunge this year and told the kids that Santa isn't real. They really accepted it just fine! I wanted Christmas to be all about Jesus! Last year I brought up telling them about Santa, but our hearts weren't totally ready yet. I am realizing that our focus as a family is in the wrong place so many times! Christmas is a wonderful example because everyone is focused on self. What will I get? How many presents do I have? Me, me, me! But, our focus should be Jesus and giving. We tried to implement a focus change this year, and I plan to do even more next year.

But, I don't want our focus to be on Jesus only at Christmas time! I want our lives to be totally about Him.

I have been reading through Book Five of Psalms at night before going to bed. Sometimes I only get through one verse because it touches me so much, but lately I have been stuck on the same 8 verses. I just can't seem to move beyond them.

Psalm 119:8-16
How can a young man cleanse him way?
By taking heed according to Your word,
With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blesse are You, O Lord!
Teach me Your statues.
With my lips I have declared
All the judgments of Your mouth.
I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
I will meditate on Your precepts,
And contemplate Your ways.
I will delight myself in Your statutes;
I will not forget Your word.

All of these verses are rocking my world, but I am really rocked by verse 10 right now.

With my whole heart I have sought You;

Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!

Do I seek Jesus with my whole heart!?! Or is it just with the edges!?! Do I let Him have full access? Am I willing to change and let go of things I really like in order to truly be what He wants me to be? Am I wholeheartedly sold out for Jesus?

In all honesty, my answer to every one of those questions is "no". BUT!! (Don't you just love when it says, "But, God"!!!) But God is changing my heart! He is growing me. I want my answer to those questions to be a big resounding "YES"!!! I want to continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ my Lord and my Savior by wholeheartedly seeking after Him.

My word for me and my family is WHOLEHEARTEDLY! This year we are going to seek to seek after God and Jesus with our whole hearts. We are going to continue to grow, and prayerfully become a family after God's own heart. We are going to change because you cannot seek after Jesus wholeheartedly and not be changed!

This will not be easy!!! I will admit that there is a part of me that is wondering if I will have to let go of things I really like. But, then I think of the amazing things God will fill that place with! Look at the disciples! They dropped everything and went. Their eyes were only on Jesus. I can feel the changing stirring in my soul. It excites me. I am thankful for a husband to go on this journey with. I am thankful that we are changing the way our children are raised. I am thankful that God has called me to a higher standard as His child. I am thankful that He will be with me every step of the way.

I told Joey last night that everything needs to be laid on the table. We have discussed this many times with regard to the church, and how they (every single church) need to revision themselves and lay everything on the table and make sure it is all honoring God and doing what He wants it to. I believe there are times when He may call us to stop a ministry that is doing well because there is another one that needs more attention or is needed more. (That is a rabbit we can chase in another post. LOL) As a couple we need to look at everything we are doing as a family and/or not doing and make sure that it is all lining up with what God wants us to do. I honestly do not know what God may ask us to stop or start, or move away from a little bit, but I do know that His plan for us is good and His will is perfect. It may hurt as we are pruned and as we grow new roots because that is hard work, but we will be so thankful we did it!

So, here we go! We are off on a wholehearted journey toward Jesus!!! :) I hope to write more about the other verses in this section as well now that I have written about verse 10a. God's word is so amazing! Alive and moving still today if we let it!

The Day is Here...

The words... Where are the words? I am at a loss for them.

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I have been waiting for this day, yet dreading it as well. I am excited, yet so scared.

Sunday morning in church, I let go. I told God that I really didn't want to walk a similar road to Janie Beth's, but I was willing. I would accept that journey again. Silent tears streaked down my face, and I really wanted to run to the bathroom and just bawl! I wanted to just run into the arms of Jesus and feel Him hold me. I was vunerable. I put myself completely and totally in God's hands. I let go...

I have slowly been picking it all back up. The fear, the worry, the wonder. Why do I do this to myself??? It doesn't change anything.

As the week has progressed things in our lives have started to fall apart. AH!!! My faith is stretched thin. I fear, worry, and wonder. Things were falling apart before Janie Beth too. Will God choose to answer my prayers by having me walk through another journey of loss???

I do not know the answer to this question. Even if the ultrasound tomorrow is good, that doesn't mean that we won't endure another journey of loss because one day we will. Loss is a part of life. That is a hard reality to accept sometimes.

How Janie Beth fills my thoughts right now!

I must change my perspective!

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

WOW! Instead of looking at all that I lost. I must remember that God hears my prayers! He always answers my prayers, and I must continue to call upon Him as long as I live. He is faithful!!! He has proven Himself over and over again.

I am only as poor as I think I am! Oh Lord, change my perspective!!! Please! I need a mind renewal. You have given me so much. Thank You! Thank You for the stones that I can look back on to see your faithfulness in my life! Thank You for Janie Beth and the amazing journey her life has brought me on. Thank You for this new little one and the blessings You have in store for us through his or her life. You hear me when I call. You set my feet in a broad place. You are on my side. I will not fear. (Ps. 118:5-6) You are mindful of me. You will bless me if I fear You. (Ps. 115:12-13) May I totally trust You, for You are my help and my shield. Who is like the Lord our God, who dwells on high, who humbles Himself to behold the things that are in the heavens and in the earth? (Ps. 113:5-6) What a mighty God!!!! No one but You can truly behold both things on earth and in heaven. You care about each and every thing. Thank You for caring about every detail of my life! I love You! May You continue to be glorified in my life and through my life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Moving... in multiple ways

Life is purely crazy at the moment!!! God had things fall into place last Sun, Nov 20, in such a way that we are moving this week. We have been moving and are hoping to be done and have the all clean by Sunday evening. We have moved multiple times in the 9 yrs of our marriage (today is our 9th anniversary! Love you, Babe!!!!), but never have we done a slow move where smaller loads are taken daily. It is driving me crazy to have my house in such disarray! Do not ask Joey just how fun I have been to live with this week because you really don't want to know! ;) I will admit that my time with God has been entirely too short which has contributed to my stress level.

But, I believe that moving is affecting me emotionally as well. This is Janie Beth's house. All my memories of her are here. We are moving into another chapter of our lives. How does she fit in? She has a wonderful spot in the new house, and it is all set up (I'll take pics soon!). It looks great. But, this little move makes me wonder how she will fit in when we move when we get a job and move again. That will be a new world of people that don't know her story. Yet, her story is completely woven in our lives so she will defintely get known. It is just hard to move forward sometimes.

I also am amazed when I think of all Joey and I have been through in 9 yrs of marriage. We are making our 5th move since we got married. We have faced mountain tops and valleys! This move is a blessing, and God completely worked it out, but we are praying for God to move us to a church soon. We long to be serving in a church again. These 3 yrs of waiting have changed us and moved us further in our walks, and in our marriage. When we got married on November 30, 2002, I had no idea just who we would be and where we would be 9 yrs later!!! God has blessed us immensely!!! Our marriage is moving forward in ways we never could have imagined!

Our newest little one has been moving much more lately. I LOVE it!!!!! It brings a smile to my face, and sometimes a prick to my heart. We have our ultrasound next week, and I will admit that I am scared. I am praying that we see a healthy little one in there, and that everything looks great. But, I also know that that is not a guarantee. I truly want God's will done, but I also want mine done. I battle within myself quite often!! I know this little one is a blessing, and that God has a special plan for him or her in our family. I do not know how He plans to use this little one's life, but it will be for His glory!!! Thank You, Father, for that reminder!!!

So, we are moving in multiple ways. :) I am moving physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I pray that each and every move is according to God's will, and that they are each moving forward and upward. What a challenge that really is! How can I accomplish that? By looking to Jesus! Keep my eyes on Jesus; on the upward call of Christ. Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy or status quo. It is meant to grow and move.

I started this post with tears, and I am ending it with a smile. God met me here as I typed my heart. He gently reminded me of His perfect plan. He whispered to my heart that He is here and He loves me no matter what. What a wonderful, loving God we serve!!!!

Thank You, Abba! Thank You, Jesus!! There are really no other words to say. I love You! Thank You for moving in my life!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The Holidays Approaching...

Bittersweet has become a word I use quite often. I use it right now to explain how the approaching holiday season feels. It is bittersweet, but in a different bittersweet way than last year's. I know that sounds crazy, and you all should know by now that I am a little bit crazy. ;)

Today marked 2 yrs since we had an u/s with our regular OB that showed Janie's limbs had not grown. Saturday marks a year since we went to UAB and saw the specialist. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 yrs!!! It seems like another life, yet it feels like a day ago as I can easily recall those days.

As I recall those days this year I am in a better place. I still miss Janie Beth with every part of my being, and I still yearn and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. It takes my breath away at moments. I cry at moments. But, the moments don't last as long, and I usually cry with a smile on my face. The yearning moments are the hard moments. There are certain pictures that make her more real to me, and those pictures bring a tear to my eye without a smile because I remember just how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I wonder what she would be like right now. Then, I picture, with my limited knowledge and imagination, how wonderful it is in heaven. I am thankful! That precious little girl called me to be a Mother.

Last year I was in a weird place. Joy Michelle was here already and I am so thankful that I had her to hold on those hard days. She took the ache out of my arms. Yet, I think i was somewhat numb. I just went through the motions. Perhaps to save myself some of the pain, I don't know. The holidays were just there. We endured them. We were blessed through them!

This year I am ready for the holidays. I want to embrace them with my children and watch the glow and delight on their faces. I want to make memories and teach them the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to live lives of thankfulness, not just a month of thankfulness. I want us to find ways to bless others. I want to celebrate my wonderful Savior who is pulling me through!

But, there is always a "but" isn't there :), being pregnant right now adds a whole new dimension to everything. I am beyond grateful to be pregnant right now and walk these days and weeks with a precious life in my womb. It is redeeming. It is healing. It is a struggle to be honest! I am fighting fear with this pregnancy that I did not fight with Joy Michelle's pregnancy. God in His mercy knew I could only handle so much last year, and He knew that Jesus and I could win this victory this year. I would have crumbled last year. This year I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms. I will feel and heal. My Redeemer only gives me what I can handle! AMEN! Now, if I would just remember that in those fearful moments. ;) Easier said than done sometimes.

This year the holidays will be different in other ways as well for our family. I do not know exactly what God is going to do, but I know He will come through because He always has in the past. It is scary, and I know that adds to my fear, but it is also exciting. Why!?! Why would this crazy woman say that it is exciting!?! Because it is God, and only God, and all God!!!! There is no me or us in this! I get to watch the hand of God move. How awesome is that!?! I have no idea where or when it is getting to move, but I know that it will. I will be like Abraham, who, contrary to hope, in hope believed (Romans 4:18).

Great and Mighty is the Lord our God! Thank You, Father, that I am in a better place. Thank You that You blessed my womb with Janie Beth. Thank You for the hope that we have in Jesus! Thank You for the Rock we have in Jesus. Thank You for the blessings You have in store for us. Thank You that You are making the path straight and smooth! You are awesome! I love You! May I come to love Jesus even more through this holiday season. May You draw me near to the heart of God. I don't want to miss the true meaning of Christmas, and I want to live a life of thankfulness at all times. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Yet Again...

So, here I sit on another Wed night pouring my heart out to God. You see, Joey is leading the College Bible study at church on Wed nights from 8:30-10, so I have plenty of God time after the kids go to bed. I miss Joey being here, but I am enjoying these special times with God. They do not happen often enough, and that is all my fault! Something I need to work on, and I am hoping the clocks moving back and getting the sun up before 7:30 will help with that. :)

Anyways... I was pouring out my heart again. I was telling God how weary I am of the waiting and wandering. This desert is getting old. Every time it looks like we are coming up on land, it turns out to be a mirage. As we walk along the hall and knock on each door it turns out they are all locked. Will it ever be the real thing? I pleaded and begged that God would just show us the next step. I told Him that I feel like He is right there and I can feel His breathe, but not His arms. It is like when you are kid and your parents are teaching you to swim and they keep backing up because they know you can go further. That is exactly what I feel like God is doing. He keeps backing up pushing me to come further. I need endurance and perseverance to finish this race!

I asked God to speak to me through His Word, well, beg would be a better word. LOL And you know what!?! He did!!! I decided last week that I would start reading through Psalms, but start in the back because I never make it all the way through. :) Joey suggested starting in the 5th book of Psalms (it is divided up into 5 books). So, I have been reading through Psalm 107 the last few nights. I opened it up, and low and behold here is what the next verse said...

And He led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:7

He will lead us in the right way!!! He will bring us out of this wilderness and into a city, our promised land, where we can dwell and serve with Him!

Let me back up to verse 4 so you can get the whole effect. I am telling you this Psalm is right where I am, and I have only made it through the first 9 verses!

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried out ot the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forthe by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:4-7

But, you can't stop there! Verse 8 tells us to be thankful! I definitely expressed my thanks after reading verse 7 before I even looked at verse 8.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. Ps 107:8-9

One of my sacrifices right now in the wilderness is thanksgiving. I am to be thankful when it is hard to be thankful! The thing is there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to look!! He is doing wonderful works in our midst daily, just His provision for our family is an amazing work! He will satisfy our longing souls more than we could ever imagine. He is just awesome like that. He loves me! Jesus knows my name. It is written on His palm because He is my Savior! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Abba, Abba! Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Just wispering Your name brings a peace to my heart. Thank You for meeting me again right where I am. No, You didn't show me the next step to take. But, You did show me Your promise that You will lead me in the right way. You will bring us to a city to dwell in. May You continue to draw us closer. I want to love You, Jesus, more and more. Show what I am to be doing as I wait. May I not waste this time. Thank You for showing me that the first thing I am to be doing is trusting You! You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, and in You I put my trust. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

And God...

So, I'm going to be completely honest. I have not been in the best place lately. I have felt as though I am standing in the mud and I am surrounded by fog. The mud is weighing my feet down where I don't feel as though I have enough energy to take a step, and I don't have a clue which way to take a step because the fog is so thick I can't see more than a few inches in front of me.

How did I get here? I am not totally sure, but I know it doesn't take long to get here. You just have to stick your toe in the crack of the door and before you know it the door is wide open. I think there are several things that have contributed. For some reason I have more nerves this pregnancy than my last pregnancy. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that life is so uncertain right now. Which is another contributor. We are coming up on 3 yrs without a job in November. I am amazed that we have been in this place for this long!!! I am weary. I long for God to open a door; to shed some light; to be Big! I feel forgotten. I wonder if our lives will be like this forever. (When I let my thoughts start running away like this, it is so easy to spiral down!!! I need to find my trusty Bible verse notebook to pull out during these moments!)

I also feel as though I have stopped cherishing life. I have built my trusty walls back up!! This makes me so mad because I really thought God and I had done some work on tearing them down after Janie Beth died. I pray that they are not as thick this time, and though the battle will be hard, we will begin to tear them down for good this time. These walls affect most every area of my life, and I am ready for these chains to be broken once and for all! I think the hugeness (is that even a word LOL) of this battle has been looming before me and instead of going into it, I have been running. :O This, of course, pushes God away! It starts a horrible cycle! I run, so I don't do my prayer and quiet times, so I distance myself from God and feel more alone, so I run harder because there is no way I can fight this battle without Him and He is not close enough, so then I do less prayer and quiet time, ect. ect.!

I admitted to a couple friends tonight that I haven't been doing my times like I should, and I guess being open with others convicted me more! Then, I went and read an amazing blog post (here). It spoke to me down deep. I decided I was off to spend some time with God and read Psalm 113 for myself. Well, I should have known God would have other plans. :)

I opened my Bible to the Psalms. I was flipping back to find 113 and came across some verses that I had underlines in Psalm 138. BAM! There was God!!! He was waiting for me. He has been waiting ever so patiently for me to realize the error of my ways and run back to Him instead of away from Him.

Verse 8  The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands.

WOW!! God is going to perfect that which concerns me!!!! He knows everything that is going on in my life. He knows my deepest desires and fears. He is going to perfect that job He has for our family. He is going to perfect His call on my life. He will help me tear down these walls!!! I already have victory in Jesus, so I should not fear failure. Setbacks, yes, but ultimate failure, no not unless I choose to quit the battle. God has a purpose for my life. He knows the kind of woman, wife, and mother I want to be, and He wants even more than that for me! He will do it! His mercy endures forever as I fall and trip and stumble throughout the battle. He will uplift when I fall and catch me when I trip. He will give me all that I need. He is working! We are going to conquer this promise land that He has for me! What a Mighty God we serve!!!! He will not stop working on me until I get to Heaven.  Thank You, Father!!!!

Father God, more than anything I ask for Your forgiveness for my fear and my running away; for my lack of faith and my selfishness. May You wash me white as snow through the precious blood of Jesus. Pick me up and wipe me off. My life is still surrounded by fog as I have no idea what the future holds or what steps You have next for us, but I will stand on Your promises. You are working all things together for our good and Your glory! You are never going to leave us! You are going to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. I am ready for the battle, Father. I will put on Your armor. I am ready to attack these walls and be free from the bondage and live my life to the fullest through Jesus Christ. I am Yours! Mold me, fill me, use me, change me! Thank You for loving me so much! Thank You for waiting for me. You never moved, only me. You stood firm gently calling. Thank You!!! I need You. Thank You that You are going to perfect that which concerns me!!! You are Awesome! You are Mighty to Save! I love You, Abba!!! Draw me close to You. I want to fall more in love with You. Thank You for this battle so that You can do just that in my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

My Life

I just went back and read through my blog posts from last year, at least a large percentage of them. What comes to mind after reading them is that this is really my life. Are you sure? Did I really walk through all of that? Am I really this far down the road?

Janie Beth seems like a blink of an eye. Joy Michelle seems like she has always been here. God has done a mighty work in my heart after losing Janie Beth by bringing Joy Michelle into my life. I forgot just how many of Joy's milestones fell on big days for Janie Beth. He really does redeem us!

I realized last night just how much I have let fear come in this pregnancy. It seems as though it is more than with Joy, but I am not sure because I didn't type during the first trimester with her. There are dates this time around that will fall very close to Janie Beth's dates. I will also be pregnant on her days rather than having an infant to hold. The first similarity is a dinner I am going to later this month. The last time I went to this dinner at church I was pregnant with Janie and had no clue of the journey that I would be on. It makes me wonder if the journey I am embarking on will be painful like hers. Yes, this is where my crazy mind goes!!!

I am also fighting fear because I do not go to the OB until the 22nd! That is still 3 wks away!! If you go by the due date they have given me, then I will 11 wks at my appointment. I have never gone in that late. I fear going in and the baby having stopped a few weeks before. I have been there, and I do not want to be there again. In my exhaution I am having a hard time giving things over to God. :/

I cried out to Him tonight before I came and read through my blog. Of course my cries were the same as always. Why do I always find myself in the same boat!?! I want to break down my walls! I want to love and cherish! I want God to create in me a clean and pure heart from nothing because that is all that is in there. I need help because I do not know how to conquer this Promised Land!! He is gracious and He will show me the way! He will help me tear down these walls that I so easily throw up. He has an awesome plan.

I am embarking on a new pregnancy with a new journey that still points back to Janie Beth. God has more healing for me through this journey. I pray that I will embrace this pregnancy and cherish every moment! I haven't been doing that because I figure that if I don't then it won't hurt as much if it doesn't go well. What craziness!! I need to LET GO and LET GOD!!! I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say!

Once again we are diving deeper. I am excited but I also know it is going to be some hard work! I have roots that go down DEEP that need to be pulled up and tossed out. God has a plan for me because He loves me, and it is for my good and His glory! It is awesome!!

Abba Father, thank You for calling me deeper again! I love You and I want nothing more than to fall in love with You more. Take my heart and make it entirely Yours. Thank You for the amazing journey of Janie Beth and Joy Michelle that You continue to bring me on. Thank You for the new journey with this new precious little one that You have placed in my womb. I am blessed beyond measure. I give You my fears. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. Write my faith. May You be glorified through me. Pull out the ugly weeds from my garden by the roots and make my garden the beauty that You intended it to be. And please keep me out of the way! I know I hinder Your work in me more than anything or anyone else. Your will be done in my life and heart! Thank You!!!!!!! 

Tears...

Tears have been so close to the surface for me since Wednesday! Not tears of pain tho; tears of joy. I am completely overwhelmed with emotion. God has brought me on such a journey since we learned of Janie Beth's condition. He has changed me in so many ways! He has called me to the awesome call of motherhood! (Yes, I know I already had 3 children, but I hadn't answered that call yet.) Having Joy Schelle brought me even deeper in my journey as I continued to look at my heart and ask God to make me what He wanted. He knows the desires of my heart, and the fact that He delights in me and wants to give me the desires of my heart brings tears to my eyes!!! He was so gracious to give us Joey Schelle, and I am thankful beyond words that He has chosen to bless my womb again!

I was asked the question if I thought this pregnancy would be easier since having Joy Schelle. Let me tell you, this has been on my mind ever since!!! I have been pondering it in my heart constantly. I think in some ways, maybe many, it will be easier, but I also know that in some ways it will not. Pregnancy is all, almost, that I had with Janie Beth, and there are points in my pregnancy that are hard and flood me with memories! It isn't only Janie Beth's journey that makes pregnancy hard. I have had 2 early miscarriages and I know that I am not exempt from having more. Getting out of the first trimester brings relief, but then the "big" ultrasound looms ahead. It is not a gender u/s for me. It is an is my baby fit to survive outside the womb u/s for me. It is a chance to make sure every part is in fact there and it is working the way it should u/s for me!!! Then, once I hit 28 wks is when Janie Beth's memories really hit. I just try to enjoy and cherish every moment!! I don't want to have any regrets. I am not sure exactly how this journey will go, but I know it will be different that Joy Schelle's pregnancy.

I am filled to overflowing! I have to pray constantly and give things over to God daily, and sometimes hourly. I am still trying to lay all at His feet and completely trust Him. He is the One that is really in control! His plans are good and He will be glorified!!!

Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Abba! You are awesome and gracious; merciful and loving. I love You! May You be glorified through this pregnancy. May You continue to form this precious little one in Your image. You watch each and every part being formed and make sure everything is exactly as You want. It brings tears to my eyes to know that Your hands are working so majestically in my womb! I stand in awe of You! You are powerful and mighty; You do great and unsearchable things. Thank You for allowing me to be a part of Your amazing plans! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Born Again

Josiah was born again into the Family of God on July 4, 2011!!! :) God is good!!! He was baptized 2 wks later on July 24. We followed church with a cook out at our house for immediate family members. It just so happened that Joey's oldest brother, John, and his wife, Suzanne, happed to come into town on the 23rd; and Joy, Heather, Sam, and Eliana were in town too!! We were only missing Judy, Niles, and their clan due to church responsibilities. I had no idea my house could hold 25 people!! LOL We had a good time.

Joey and I are so proud of Josiah. We are excited to see what all God has planned for his life. He is very keen on whether you are going to Heaven or Hell right now. :) He even pronounced to Eli that he was going to Hell. I had to explain that Eli is only 4. ;)

Dear Jesus, I thank You for dying that Josiah might have life! I thank You for writing his faith and opening his eyes. May You continue to mold him and prepare him for Your calling on his life. May the fruit of the Holy Spirit begin even now to be sown and grown. May Josiah fall head over heals in love with You and live a life of wholehearted devotion for You. Lord, may he be a godly witness to his siblings and all those around him. May You always be there to support him as his name says, Jehovah supports. Lord, I place him in Your amazing, loving, capable hands. May You make Josiah into a man of God after Your own heart. Thank You for calling me to be his mother!!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Here are some pictures from his baptism...

Joey had the honor of baptizing him.

 Waiting

Thank You Abba for saving my first born son!!! We love you, Josiah!!

GOD

Thank YOU, Abba!!!

Thank You for the storm! Thank You for making a way! Thank You for loving me! Thank You for washing me clean through this storm! Thank You that the lightning and thunder are breaking me down and giving You the freedom to mold me as You see fit! Thank You for the rain that You have brought into my life. Thank You for loving me enough to bring the storm and to take the time to revamp this old piece of pottery that was useless! May I only be usefull through Your strength! Father, I need You. Thank You for bringing me this far. I know the storm isn't over and this won't be the last storm I will walk through, but I thank You for being right beside me the whole time and cheering me on and beckoning me to come closer. Thank You for calling me to be Janie Beth's mother. Thank You for calling me to mother Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Joy Schelle. Thank You for calling me to be Joey's wife. Thank You for calling me at all to do anything! I never could have imagined all that You have done in me. I needed a Savior more than I could have ever realized. I cannot put into words how thankful I am for Janie Beth and the amazing journey she has brought me on. Neither can I put into words how thankful I am that You were gracious enough to lend me Joy Schelle to raise. Thank You for the journey Joey and I, and the kids, are on with the evangelism ministry and whatever else You have in store for us. We can't imagine the wonderful things You have planned for us. In the storm it is hard to see, but I will look back to the rainbows You have provided and I will believe. Thank You for loving my family and bring us through this storm. Make us what You want us. Make our desires Your desires. May we be a family after Your own heart. May we fall in love with You! Thank You for always being there for us! You are the same yesterday, today, and forever!!!! You are great and mighty!!! You are awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Please break my chains completely and set me completely free. Thank You for Your grace! Thank You for Your mercy! Thank You for being I AM! You are all we will ever need. Thank You for my family! Thank You for calling us deeper! We knew it wouldn't be easy, but it is blessed, even if the blessings are different than expected. May we never miss one of Your blessings!

Lord, break this fallow ground. Circumcise my heart. Be big! I want to sow bountifully so that Your kingdom will reap bountifully!! I love You, Jesus, shine through me.

Thank You, Abba!!! Thank You Jesus!!

2011-2012 School Year

Our school year kicked off July 6. Josiah is in 2nd grade; Katie Jo is in 1st grade; and Eli is in Pre-K. Joy Schelle is just along for the ride. :) She tends to nap during school. We have been in full swing the last week and a half.

Saturday began some allergy issues for me, so I am trying not to talk much today in hopes that I will be much better on Wed. No that isn't a typo! We aren't doing school on Tuesdays until next week because I am doing a Bible study. So, I am here typing since the kids are playing well together and it doesn't require talking. :)

I am really excited about this year! We are trying to lay our foundation for our family; not only in the basics of phonics and such but also spiritually and characterly (new word LOL). One of the main character traits we are hoping to conquer, at least in small steps, is self-control. :O Along those lines is obedience also.

When I went to my trusty white board to see how to accomplish this, God amazed me!

We started in 2 Peter1:5-7
But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to irtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.

So, obviously there are a few things we have to go through in order to get to self-control. It isn't first on the list!

FAITH:
What is faith?
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the eveidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Where does it come from? God, Jesus
God has dealt to each one a measure of faith Romans 12:3
Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith Hebrews 12:2

What is part in instilling faith in my children? How?
So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Romans 10:17 
Immerse them in Scripture!!! Hide it in their hearts.

VIRTUE:
What does it mean?
conduct that agrees with what is morally right

What does God say?
I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

God has given each one faith and He then wants us to walk worthy.

How do we know how to walk worthy?
In Ephesians He tells us with lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, bearing with one another, and trying to keep unity and peace. That is a tall order!

How do we learn how to do those things?? In comes the next word in the list...

KNOWLEDGE:
grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 3:18

GROW! That is our word for the year, and this is our verse for the year!!! I just stood in amazement at how God brings everything together! He called us to this before we even started the school year. He knew that we would need to lean on this verse in multiple ways this year. In order to build our foundation we have to grow.

SELF-CONTROL:
How do we grow self-control? The Holy Spirit grows it!
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Do I have a part?
I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20
I must crucify my ego!! It is not "I"!

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Matthew 24:16
I have to deny myself.

Self-control is self-denial! I am yeilding to Jesus and allowing Him to reign in me. This is not an easy task! It is a long task that will last my entire life... which leads to...

PERSEVERANCE:
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, Hebrews 12:1

We are to run the race with endurance. We can look at those who went before us and finished well. This verse leads right into Hebrews 12:2 that God showed me at the very beginning of this journey in His word. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I am to look to Jesus! I am to look at the joy that is set before me! What is the joy set before me?? Taking up my cross of discipling my children; of breaking down my walls and denying myself in order to be Jesus to others. I am praying that I will run this race with endurance so that my children may look to me as a witness that went before them that they can look to. I pray that they will live lives full of wholehearted faith and devotion in Jesus totally in love with Him! May this be true of me as well!!

This is a high calling, but the calling of motherhood is high! It is a calling of self-denial. This journey through the word that God started me on as I was seeking to teach my children ended up teaching me and showing me what I need to do. The best way to teach my children is by example. This growing will not be easy, but how beautiful the garden will look when it is Jesus flowers that are growing instead of Michelle flowers.

I don't know what all God has in store for us this school year, but I know He is going to grow us all in the grace and knowledge of Jesus!

Thank You, Abba, for the privilege of teaching my children! May You continue Your good work in me and mold me. Break down the walls around my heart. Thank You that Your burden is light and Your yoke is easy. I choose today to deny myself and take up my cross. May You help me. May You lead me. May You bless this new school year. May You plant seeds and water them and grow them as we learn more of Jesus and hide Your word in our hearts. I give this year to You. Thank You for the many blessings You are going to bring our way. May we use them to bless You. I love You! Thank You for loving me so much. Thank You for meeting me and talking to me through Your word! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Here is my summary that I hope to put up somewhere so that I remember all year what God has taught me.

Faith --> live morally right --> by learning about Jesus --> have self-control to walk worthy --> endure the race --> looking to Jesus