Romans 15:13

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

I have been clinging to this verse since I really read it yesterday. I will admit that I didn't cling to it hard enough and I didn't let go and let God yesterday, but I am trying to take the steps to. I want to truly Lean on the Everlasting Arms of Jesus. I want to be real and not try to barracade myself around people I don't know. I don't want to withdraw into myself because what I am facing may hurt.

Yesterday was a busy day. It started out with Josiah and Katie Jo's last soccer game. They did great!!! They have both improved throughout the season and I am proud of them both!

Here they are:

Then, Katie Jo and I went to a baby shower. This was the first baby shower I have been to since Janie Beth went to heaven, and it was for a girl. It was hard!!!! I didn't grasp how hard until I left. I totally withdrew into myself, but I could have easily sat there and just cried. I wish I had let God hold me and carry me instead of trying to protect myself. I wish I had let myself enjoy the company of the many that I didn't know without fearing the questions of how old are your children. I know I came across as a total snob because I just sat there and only talked a little to a couple people that I already knew! I hate that! I missed an opportunity to meet some cool ladies and make a couple new friends! I am thankful that I got the first shower out of the way! But, my arms do ache to hold my precious baby girl!!!! I still miss her so much and the hurt is still very deep even though I go through most days smiling and even laughing.

Here I am with Marcie, the shower was for her, and our other friend Jennifer who is also expecting.

Then, that afternoon we celebrated Eli's birthday with Nana, Poppa, Aunt Amy, Uncle Chase, and Aunt Abby. It was a fun time and I loved watching the kids slip 'n' slide!!! Eli even got to have cake for the first time!! (He has food allergies and this is the first year I have made a cake he can eat.) The cake was all he wanted for his birthday. :) He gave me a huge hug yesterday morning when I showed him his cake and said "thank you, Mom". It melted my heart!!! He didn't realize that he would get presents. LOL Once this realization hit, he was totally excited. :) He tore open one and immediately went to the next one. He was too cute to watch!

Here he is opening some presents. I didn't get any still shots of him eating cake. I will have to pull some off the video.

He had to move to the floor to open better. :)

He completely destroyed the card envelopes. LOL

I stayed pretty busy during the party, so it didn't really hit until afterward how much fun it was to watch him and how I won't get to watch Janie Beth open presents or eat cake for the first time. It struck me how different her birthdays will be. My precious baby girl!!!

God is good and He brought me through. He walked beside me waiting for me to put up my hand and let Him hold it. I picture Him like I do myself as I watch my children do things. I ache to help them, but I also know that they have to learn how to do some things. But, I do believe there was too much Martha in me today and not enough Mary!! I am learning. This journey is hard to figure out! This club that I am in doesn't totally make sense! Even though I am expecting, things are still hard for me. It is crazy.

Here are the new flowers that we put at Janie Beth's grave. I love the pinkness! :)

Elisha James Karr

Elisha James entered the world on May 21, 2007 at 10:00 am. He was induced at 38 wks 1 day because the doctors were afraid I wouldn't make it to the hospital if I went into labor on my own. I had preterm labor starting at 32 wks. I was on bedrest and had to take meds every 6 hours. I went to the hospital a few different times and had to have a shot stop labor. By 38 wks I was 4 cm dialated. I was in labor 2.5 hours at the hospital and he came out in one contraction. I read a book while in labor. :) It was the easiest labor and delivery I had.

He was 6lb 15oz and 19.5in. He is still short and stocky. :) He looks and acts just like his Daddy!!! Joey calls him his mini me.

Eli is very independent! He does not get pushed around by his siblings. He is very athletic and has no problem wrestling with Josiah. We shall see which sport he ends up playing. Most say he will be a football player.

He potty trained this week. It was amazing and I can really take no credit because I did nothing special. He had a couple accidents the first day at the beginning, but nothing since except a little poopy as I was running him to the bathroom in the mall. He was telling me to "hurry, mom". :) I am very proud of how well he has done. He is even in underwear through the night.

He is such a little boy and is growing up in leaps and bounds. He makes us laugh every day. He is definitely our class clown! He wants to do everything his big brother and sister do. He is so sweet too! He is the one who remembers to say "thank you". He is a pistol! He adds to our family. God knew what he was doing, even though I don't know why He felt I needed to live through Joey's pay back for his childhood sometimes. LOL :)

Here are the many faces of Eli from the last 3 years.

Getting Better

I wanted to let you all know that I am getting better. We have gotten back into our chore routine and having our prayer and devotion time in the morning. I am reading up on how to train my children (or better yet, me LOL). I have had to put I Will Carry You aside for now. Their journey is very similar to ours, and I it takes a lot out of me right now. I hope to pick it back up again in a few months. For now, I need to work on how to handle the kiddos living in my house. :)

We have been playing games the last few days. I pulled out the Fishing game and the Elephant game, and we play Toy Story Monopoly Jr and Yahtzee. It is fun to have Eli getting to where he can play too. I can't believe he will be 3 on Friday!!

Since we are doing things, Janie Beth doesn't cross my mind quite as often, but then I will have a moment sometimes. I love to watch my screen saver that goes through her file of pictures! I really miss her and love her so much!

The weather is only in the 70's today and tomorrow so you will find us outside the rest of the afternoon after naptime and most of the day tomorrow. :) I am thankful that God gives us times when the heat isn't as bad. It is kind of like in the fire. He gives us periods that aren't as hot when He has us in the Refiner's fire!! He is very gracious and merciful!

I pray that I will continue to lean on God and let Him bring me through this journey. I know I will look back at this year and think that it was harder than I realized. That sounds crazy, but I know it is true. It takes more for me to get through the day than I realize. I am still grieving hard even though I have learned to make it through a day or week at a time instead of a minute at a time. The only way that I could make it through without realizing how hard it is is by the Father carrying me. It doesn't feel as hard because He is carrying me and He is holding me and He is bearing the burden on His shoulders! Thank You, Lord Jesus!!!

Josiah and Sleep

Josiah cracks me up sometimes. He has fallen asleep in many odd places and ways. I wanted to show you the many pictures I have so you can appreciate the oddness of my oldest child. :)
At our first church. Proof that he did suck his fingers at one time!

He fell asleep while fighting me about putting up the markers on the floor. I wouldn't let him get up from that spot until he picked them up, and then he fell asleep. LOL

His shirt says "Naps are the enemy" LOL

Here he is today. I wish I had been taking pictures over the last several months of his positions in my bed. :)

I found multiple pictures of Katie Jo and Eli while looking for all of these, so  may have to do a post for their weird positions as well. :)

Hard Week

This week has been a hard week for me. I believe it started Tuesday. We went to my sister's end of the year band concert. Her last concert was last December and Janie Beth was still with us. She was still during Abby's band, but then she danced away through the rest of it. I thought about her a lot that night and wished she was there to dance along with her siblings. I even rubbed the new one in my belly, which is much smaller than it was at the last concert.

Thursday I went to the doctor. It went well, and it really struck me how long the baby's legs looked.

That night we had Josiah's Kindergarten graduation. This is when I really started going down. Before the program I wanted us to take a family picture. We all got up in front of a stain glass window and tried to get the children to cooperate. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we had not done this since Janie Beth was with us in the hospital! It hit me like a ton of bricks that she wasn't in the picture and wouldn't be in anymore family pictures. It hit me that we took several family pictures while she was in my belly and this time I have a baby in my belly, but it isn't her. Janie Beth will always be Janie Beth!!! It made me miss her terribly and it threw out my desire to take anymore pictures that night, and I pray that Josiah doesn't mind that we don't have many. I got the whole thing on video and my sister did take pictures with my camera and another precious lady took pictures for us.

I have pretty much been in a funk since all of that. I have been wondering what she would be like right now and what she would look like. I held a little baby girl Saturday and it warmed my heart! She smiled at me which was bittersweet. It was precious, but it made me realize something I missed out on with Janie Beth. It was nice to hold her though because I have really been missing JB.

I have also watched a precious family welcome a new baby girl to their lives. I really didn't think it would be hard for me because I have seen others do this since Janie Beth. I believe that I see my family in hers. I see us enjoying Janie Beth as much as they are enjoying their new baby girl. I see Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli loving on their sister in the same way their sons and daughter love their new sister. I see once again how different my journey has been, and I long to have Janie Beth here. I want to know that everything will be ok this time and we will get to have a different journey, but it still won't be the same because a piece will be missing.

My doctor keeps referring to my pregnancy as a normal pregnancy. I am glad that he considers it that way, but it isn't a normal pregnancy. Yes, the baby seems to be normal and everything seems to be going fine, but it is in no way normal. I am no longer the same person. My heart, mind, and soul are different. I am not normal this go round, so this pregnancy is not normal either. It is hard! I am so torn. I want Janie Beth and this baby. There are days I have to remind myself that this baby isn't Janie Beth. This pregnancy is changing me as it brings me further in my journey. I pray my baby is "normal", but I need others to realize that my pregnancy is not and I am not anymore either. I am a new normal.

Here is our latest family picture. Sorry for the red eyes, I haven't taken the time to edit any of our pictures yet. :) I decided to show you the 3 we took so you can appreciate the fun time it is for us to get everyone to smile. :)

Can you tell who is our clown? LOL

I am a Woman. :)

Ok, I was going to to turn this into a family blog, then I decided I would start a second one, and now that I have, I think I just want one blog. LOL I am going to work on it all on another blog and then transfer over here. At least that is my plan. I just can't decide which blog to put things on, so I am just going to put it all here. I think. :)

In case you did not read on my family blog the other day, everything went well at my appointment. My pocket of blood is gone and baby was moving around nicely. It even looked like he/she had long legs. :)

I better get hopping because we have to be at the soccer field at 7:45 this morning. I hope you enjoy your Saturday!!!!

Hope (Pregnancy)

My hope has been in nothing the last few days. I have been afraid to hope because then I may be devastated. I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

I must remember that my hope must be in Jesus.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand!
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

I know my God is big and wonderful and He is going to work all things together for our good and His glory. I need to send that promise to my heart. It is in my head, but there seems to be a blockade somewhere from my head to my heart.

We found out March 16 that we are expecting baby #5 on November 24, 2010. It has been a roller coaster since then. I have been having spotting issues, and then I even hemoraged (totally misspelled and I apologize!). I was put on bedrest for a week and went back in. I had a pocket of old blood, so he figured I would spot brown mess for a little while still. That was 2 weeks ago, and I "think" I have finally stopped spotting. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and I am afraid that baby won't have a heartbeat anymore. I am 12 weeks today. I have been doing pretty good for most of this journey, but the week of appointments is always hard. I want to just let go and let God, but I can't seem to figure out how to let go this time!!!

My being pregnant is one of the main reasons I haven't posted as much because most of what I would have to say was about my feelings regarding that and Janie Beth. It is a whole new level in my journey and I am still learning how to tread this new water.

I long to let go and enjoy my family and pregnancy!! I am praying for God's help. That He would be strong where I am weak. That He would write my faith. That He would completely fill me and guide me. I want His Spirit to have complete access to me. This is all part of growing. Growing just usually comes with some kind of pain.

Today I will be singing My Hope is Built all day today. I will be taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and focusing on Him. Allowing God to help me let go.

Abba, I love You! Please guide me through this day. May You write my faith and be strong where I am weak. I need You!!! Teach me to use Your armor and to let go. May You be glorified through my journey today. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.