Am I Ready??

I am not sure that I am trully ready for this day. The only way that I know I am somewhat ready is the fact that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Am I ready to see this baby? Am I ready to find out the gender? Am I ready to hear if there is a problem? Am I ready to accept this little one? Am I ready to have a name and prepare a little? Am I ready to let go? Am I ready for the memories that will flood me? Am I ready for the rest of this journey?

I expected to have some nerves and to be a little anxious as we approached today, but I was surprised by the onslaught of memories and deep missing of my baby girl. I should have realized that this day would bring back memories of Janie Beth's ultrasound. But, I really didn't expect to long to hold her so much. She has been very close to my heart over the last week and even more so as we approached today. I even held my Janie lamb last night. My arms ache for her and tears are always just a blink away. 

I wonder at how I will love this new little one while loving and missing Janie Beth. I know I can because I see others do it. I guess it is like the second time mommy wondering how she will love the next child as much as the first. This is the road less travelled, and in order to travel it I have to clear some brush away as I walk. It is a road that requires work and perseverance. I will endure the race. I will look toward the finish. I will keep my eyes on my Father who is ever before me!

I would like to tell you that I am excited about today, and I think that in there is some excitement. But, I feel somewhat numb. {I believe it is peace. :) There is peace that I will make it through this morning and day. There is peace that God is in control and He is working everything to our good and His glory. Thank You, Father, for showing me Your peace and hand on our day!!}(I added this after writing everything because God graciously showed me that I am not numb, but instead at peace. :)) I am excited to know the gender, but I want to know if my baby will be healthy enough to live. I am excited to see our little one, and I want it to be special for him/her. I pray that God will allow me to enjoy the moment and then think about Janie Beth later. I do not know if I will shed tears at the doctor, but I am sure in the stillness later today I will shed tears for the grace that God has shown me!!

Lamentations 3:21-24
This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therfore I hope in Him!"

Psalm 27:13-14
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait in faith on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!

Here I am at 19.5 weeks.

Harder than I expected, but a Calling

This weekend was harder than I expected. I really didn't think the 4th of July would be that big a deal. I had no idea I would long to hold my baby girl so much. Saturday was hard. I had a rough morning. I know it was partly from reading another family's story who just lost their baby boy to Thanataphoric Dwarfism, and the amazing things their little boy did in his 30 hours made me jealous and wish for more from my time with Janie Beth.

YIKES! That is a slippery road to get on. I quickly had to turn to what I was thankful for from Janie Beth's time with us. I quickly began to just long for her and try to feel her in my arms. I still miss her so much. So many feel that this new pregnancy makes Janie Beth's journey all better, but it doesn't. No one can replace her. Her journey will never end because she will always be in my heart.

I am still missing her more than usual today. I know that it has to do with starting back to things we did before she left us. We started school today. I will be honest and say school flew out the window after November 19, 2009. I wondered what it would be like to have her here with us while we learned. I really didn't think it would be that hard to start back for the new year because we have changed all of our curriculum and Katie Jo is doing school too, but it is. I am learning with my children and seeing the world through their eyes, and I wonder how it would look through hers. As I type that, I wonder what it looks like from her viewpoint. I always thought of it as how she would be if she were here and how things would excite her, but wow! To think of it as how does the world look through her eyes now, in heaven. That is too big for me and there are no words to explain. She is smiling!

My ultrasound on Friday factors into my missing her too. I feel our little one more and more. I am nervous to know if this baby is a boy or a girl. I wonder what God feels is right for our family. Who is this precious little one He is forming? To know that He is forming this one just as intricately as Janie Beth, and He knows every single part of his/her body and knew exactly how Janie Beth's body was is amazing! His vastness just makes me stop in awe. I cannot begin to imagine.

A friend of mine did a blog about how she had always wanted to be a mother. That has always been my dream as well. Never in a million years would I have thought that that would include being the mother of a heavenly child. To know that God called me to walk this path.

I marvel at God's decision to mold me into the mother of a heavenly child. 
A hard calling, yet a deep calling.
A painful calling, yet a blessed calling.
A lonely calling, yet a comforting calling.
A sad calling, yet a joyful calling.
A painful calling, yet a healing calling.

How can I say those things? Never have I looked deeper in my self than I have since Janie Beth. I have been blessed beyond measure and in ways that are exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think. Comforting because God is closer than I have ever felt Him. Joyful because joy is not the same as happiness and it is on the inside and grounded in hope. Healing because I have looked deeper in myself and God has been molding my heart back together better than it was before. It is a calling I would have never chosen and I would never wish on anyone, but it is my calling and God loves me enough to walk with me. He knew how to work all things together for His glory and my good. I do not understand, but I have seen good come out of this calling. I will never fully grasp the things God did, is doing, and will continue to do by calling me to this path. I am thankful that He knows the outcome!

A friend, who has this calling too, made this picture. Thank you, Monica.

I thought about Janie Beth a lot while we watched the fireworks. It was fun to see the excitement from the kids. I had the moment where I wondered if she would have cried or been amazed, but then instead I chose to focus on how awesome a fireworks show would look in heaven. She thought ours was pitiful. :)

I love you, my precious Janie Beth!!

Abba, may You continue to refine me through this calling of being Janie Beth's mother. May You continue to heal me, comfort me, bless me, and bring me joy. May You continue to help me search deep within myself and allow You to mold me as You see fit. Thank You for the blessing of each and every one of my children, Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, Janie Beth, and the little one. I love You, Father! May You be glorified as You hold me up and walk with me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

19 weeks and Yesterday

I can't believe I am already 19 weeks!!! I have the privilege of feeling this little one move lots! You can even see my belly move if you happen to be watching during a kick. It is amazing! I can't wait for Joey and the kids to feel, but every time I try to feel on purpose, the little pill gets still! I am excited yet anxious for our appointment next week. I am blessed no matter how it goes! I am hoping to get a belly pic this evening to share tomorrow. I am trying to really enjoy this pregnancy, and cherish every moment. According to our plan, this will be our last baby, but God's plans don't always coincide with ours. LOL

Thank you for the prayers yesterday and today! This has been a difficult milestone. It has worn me out! I have had trouble getting up in the mornings. :)

We enjoyed our day yesterday as a family. We headed out about 11:00 and went to visit Janie Beth. (Eli calls it Janie in the mud. :)) Then we popped through Burger King's drive thru and headed up on the mountain. We ate and then the kids played on the playground for a bit before a short hike and looking out off the mountain. It was beautiful. We took the long way home and stopped for ice cream/popsicles at a gas station. We just chilled for a couple hours before dinner, and then went out and Joey mowed the grass. I got the hose and let them play to cool off, and I somehow got wet myself. :) The kiddos were in bed at 7:00 and asleep by 7:30. Joey and I sat in bed and played on the computer until about 9:30.

There was a peace throughout the day. I missed Janie Beth a lot, but I felt my love for her too. Joey mentioned that she would be cheering the loudest next week when we have our ultrasound. I love to picture that in my head! When I wrote on facebook that I held her for the first time as she breathed her last breathes here on earth, I couldn't help but remember that I held her as she breathed her first in heaven. And she did it perfectly there! It warmed my heart. She is perfect and healthy in heaven. Thank You, Abba!!!

Here are a few pictures from our day yesterday.

Ok, it was more than a few. LOL I was going to take my picture with my ice cream, but I accidently pushed the power button instead of the picture button. :) You will just have to imagine me eating my strawberry shortcake on a stick. Yummy!

Janie's Memories

This was a sad week at our local hospital. In one day 4 babies were delivered into heaven. It hit me so hard! All I could do was think about those nurses, doctors, and parents. It brought Janie Beth to mind also. I was really missing her that day and still now as Tuesday the 29th approaches. This will be the first time that the 29th falls on a Tuesday since December 29 when Janie Beth was born. I am hoping to go up to the hospital and bring something special to the L&D nurses, as well as NICU and the 3rd floor nurses that took care of me. My precious baby girl would be 6 months old. WOW!!!

I have been watching Delivery shows/Baby story shows to try and see some women go through natural labor. On Friday all I could think about was the difference between the births I was watching and the births of those beautiful babies on Thursday. Those mothers, which I don't even know, were on my mind constantly. The difference between those births and Janie Beth's births. I sit anxiously waiting for the babies to cry, even though I know they are ok or they wouldn't be on the show. It makes me think of birthing this baby and wonder how it is going to go.

My heart aches wondering if those families were able to make the memories that we made. We knew ahead of time, so we prepared and bought things to make memories and read about the things we might want to do so that we wouldn't regret anything.

This has been stewing in my mind constantly too. (My mind has been busy. LOL I guess it should happen ever once in a while. :)) I would love to be able to start a ministry that the hospital/doctor's can call when a baby has died in the womb or unbeknownst to the parents is going to pass shortly after birth that can bring things for them to make memories with. To have a list of things they may want to do with their precious little one's. To try to be there and help them through those whirlwind days. I have no idea where to start or how to start, but I have faith that my God is big enough to get it all worked out if this ministry in Janie Beth's honor is to come about.

I am so thankful that I knew ahead of time that she would not grace us with her presence for very long. I was able to have the time to get things organized and prepared as much as possible. We could have bought stock in Hobby Lobby with the money we gave them during the 6 weeks before Janie Beth's birth. I pray that no mother has to get home and wish she had done something else. Regrets can get consuming if we let them, and to be able to help some others not have as many regrets. I know there are pretty much always going to be some sort of regret, but to give them the opportunity to have more to be thankful for than be regretful about.

I am excited to see what God does!!!

Jeremiah (Isaiah 55: 8-9)

I was looking up the meaning of Jeremiah this morning because it is the name we have picked out for a boy. It means "Jehovah is high". I let that just roll around in my mind. High. WOW! When you imagine how high you can go in our atmosphere and realize that God is far higher than that, you just sit in wonder and amazement.

It also brought to mind Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thought are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord, "for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."

His ways are higher than my ways. I hate to admit this, but there are days that I wonder if I should have even allowed a pregnancy to be possible at this stage in my Janie Beth journey. I was reminded by my Beloved, my hubby, last night that God has special plans for this baby and He formed this baby and knows his/ her days and His calling for his/her life. His ways are higher than my ways. I didn't form this baby, God did. I didn't decide that we would still be in Huntsville a year and half later still waiting for the open door of a job. I would have thought that crazy, but His ways are higher than my ways.

I flipped back in my Bible to Psalm 34. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

In order to taste, I have to do something. I can't taste food without actually putting it in my mouth. For me to "taste and see that the Lord is good", I have to do something. According to this verse, I have to trust Him. In order for me to know the goodness of the Lord, I have to trust Him!!! I think I know what is good for my life, but His ways are higher than my ways. Janie Beth showed me the goodness of the Lord, but I never would have picked things to go the way they did. This new baby will show me the goodness of the Lord in ways I cannot imagine. I must trust God, and cling to the promise that what He is doing makes sense in the long run. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts than my thoughts.

It is scary but freeing to trust God. He already has it in His hands anyways, so why not let my heart and mind be at rest by being assured of the goodness of the Lord!

Abba, thank You for being high! Thank You for having higher ways than me! Thank You for looking at the big picture and knowing what is best for Your kingdom. Into Your hands I place my trust. Help me to do this moment by moment today. I want to walk in trust in order to taste and see Your goodness. Thank You for the blessing of being Janie Beth's mommy!!! She has showed me Your goodness in ways I never thought possible. Thank You for this new little one, and I pray that Your hand will continue to shape him/her. Thank You for my Beloved who loves me and cares for me. Who takes the time to talk to me and share with me! Thank You for my kids who make me laugh and smile. For the ways they show me You! May You continue to draw us into a family after Your own heart. May You continue to instill in us a love for You first, and then a love and compassion for others. Please continue to heal my broken heart and mold me into a pot that is usable. I love You! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

16 Weeks

I was officially 16 weeks yesterday. I went to the doctor this morning. Baby's heartbeat was 143, which doesn't mean a thing since all my kids have the same heartbeat regardless of gender. :) My belly measured 16 too, so all seems to be going well. Although, I did gain 4 lbs!! I told the doc we didn't need to talk about that. ;)

This morning I was nervous, but I was pretty sure baby was ok because he/she was playing around in there at 4:00 this morning. It did take the nurse just a bit to find the heartbeat though. Afterwards I was doing really well emotionally. I think it had to do with having errands to run. I always stop by and see Janie Beth after the doctor, and I had to do some cut out things for VBS, and then I went to Wal-Mart too. In doing all of that I didn't think much, so I was doing good.

I was even good when I got home. But, when I turned off the kids movie and saw the picture of Janie Beth on the TV, it made my heart jump. I miss her so terribly much! To think that this baby's legs are almost the same size right now as Janie Beth's were when she was born is amazing. Granted hers were chubby by the time she was born. :) I can feel this baby move when I am sitting up (I have finally admitted that it is movement I feel), but with Janie Beth I had to lay on my belly, even much further along. It is hard to think of the differences, and then to realize all that we will hopefully get to do with this baby that we didn't get to do with her, hurts. I want to hold her so bad right now.

The kids are in bed and Joey has gone to have some God time, so I had some God time too. I have been working through Psalm 34. Today I haven't really been able to get past verse 8.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

WOW! Can I say that God is good as I walk through the storm? Am I able to "Praise Him in this Storm"? Yes! I know that God is good. He blessed me by making me Janie Beth's mommy and He has blessed me with the privilege of carrying baby #5. Is all the good that God does easy? No! Sometimes it really hurts, but in the long run (the marathon of life) it is good.

We will have our ultrasound at my next visit on July 9. The one everyone calls the "gender ultrasound". It is not a gender ultrasound anymore. It is the "is my baby going to be healthy enough to live outside of my womb" ultrasound. We will find out the gender of this baby, and it will take me some time to adjust regardless of the gender. I believe it will probably be a boy, and I am getting better with that thought, but my heart aches for dresses and bows. Yet, I do not want to try to replace Janie Beth or make a baby grow up in her shadow. I feel as though I am walking on a tight rope! My emotions and thoughts go all over the place. Things trigger me all of the sudden out of the blue. Overall, God is gracious and He has brought me through a lot!

I stand on the promise that even if I can't see a rainbow in the storm, the sun/Son is always shining behind the clouds!! :)

Have you ever noticed how God seems to pull you out of your feeling sorry for yourself moments!?! The phone rings, or get a text, or He just smiles on you. His Word is great for pulling me out of my martyrdom. :) If you ever feel the urge to call someone, do it! You may be the one God uses to bless that person and bring them out of a slump.

The Doctor's Office

Tomorrow is my next doctor's appointment. I am nervous about going. I fear something being wrong, but it is more than that. I realized today that the doctor's office was Janie Beth's trip. That is where we heard her heartbeat and saw her as she grew. It is one of the few places during her life that was all about her. I do believe that my appointments make me miss her more. It reminds me that she isn't here and life has kept on going. So many hard decisions were made there, and I pray that I do not have to make any hard decisions this time. I pray for a healthy heartbeat tomorrow. But, even more I pray for God's will.

Psalm 119:49-50 Remember the word to Your servavnt, upon which You have caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my afflictiton, for Your word has given me life.

As I was praying I realized that my hope should always be in God. He is the only constant. My hope cannot be in a healthy baby. That will not fix all my problems. The only fix to my problems is God!

These verses remind me that in order to find my hope in God, I have to read His word and hide it in my heart. If I do not know His promises, then how will I know what my hope is in.

Here are some promises to cling to from God...

Dear ________, may you grasp how wide and long and high and deep My love for you is; a love that surpasses knowledge…you cannot ask or imagine the things I am planning for you! Your Heavenly Father (Ephesians 3:16-21)


Dear _______, I am your Salvation; trust in Me and do not be afraid. I am your strength and your song. Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 12:2)

Dear _______, I will bless you and keep you. I will make my face to shine upon you…I will turn My face toward you, and give you peace. Your Heavenly Father (Numbers 6:24-27)

Dear _______, I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way thou should go. I will guide thee with Mine eye. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 37:3-4)

Dear _______, I will keep you in perfect peace if you will keep your mind steadfast on Me and always trust Me…I am a Rock you can always stand on.
Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 26:3-4)

Dear _______, My Word is a lamp to your feet and a light for your path. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 119:105)

Dear _______, you can be a conqueror in all things through My love…for neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers…will separate you from My love… Your Heavenly Father (Romans 8:37-39)

Dear ________, I am your refuge and your strength. Even though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, do not fear. I am an ever present help in trouble. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 46:1-3)

Dear ________, I am your hiding place, I will protect you from trouble and surround you with songs of deliverance…I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go…I will counsel you and watch over you. Rejoice in Me… Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 37:7-11)

Dear________, I will guide you always; I will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your Heavenly Father
(Isaiah 58:11)

Dear ________, never forget My words…do not depart from My wisdom for it will protect you and watch over you. My wisdom and understanding will honor you and present you with a crown of splendor. Your Heavenly Father
(Psalm 4:5-9)

Dear ________, trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Me and I will direct your paths. Your Heavenly Father (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Dear _______, I am with you always, I will always be holding your hand; I will guide you with My counsel, and take you into My glory…I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 73:23-26)

Dear ________, because I am at your right hand, you will not be shaken. Therefore let your heart be glad and your tongue rejoice…live in hope, I will not abandon you.  Your Heavenly Father (Acts 2:25-27)

Dear ________, look up, your help comes from Me, the Maker of heaven and earth. I will not let your foot slip. I watch over you day and night… Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 121:1-8)

Dear _______, love Me and remember that I will see to it that all things work together for your good…for I know the mind of My Spirit and I am constantly interceding for you according to My will. Your Heavenly Father
(Romans 8:27-28)

Dear ________, I have carried you since your birth…I will continue to be with you and sustain you, even when you have gray hairs. I will always carry you; I will always sustain you; I will always rescue you. Keep your mind focused on Me and I will keep you in perfect peace. Your Heavenly Father
(Isaiah 26:3,4; 45:3-4)

Dear _______, I am with you, I am mighty to save. I will take great delight in you. I will quiet you with My love. I will rejoice over you with singing. Your Heavenly Father (Zephaniah 3:17)

Dear _______, call unto Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Your Heavenly Father (Jeremiah 33:3)

Dear _______, I will never leave you nor forsake you: I have engraved you on the palms of My hands. Your Heavenly Father (Josh 1:5, Isaiah 49:16)

Dear _______, do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.  Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 41:10)

Dear _______, he who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 91:1)

Dear _______, I am the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth…those who hope in Me will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 40:28-31)

 
I needed to be reminded of these today, and I pray that they blessed you as well. God really does care for us, whether we see what He is doing as good or bad, we can rest assure that He is working it all together for our good and His glory!
 
I will enter the doctor's office tomorrow by God's grace and strength. I never go anywhere without Him! :)

200th

Really, I have written that many posts!?! This is my 200th post, and my blog was started in December 2009. How things have changed since then!?! I was trying to think of some cute post to do, but I am just not in a real cute mood the last couple of days. :) I figured I would just do an update today on different things since December 2009.

Janie Beth would be the biggest thing that has happened since I started this blog. I started it to share her story in one place and not have to remember who I had emailed and who I hadn't. Then, it became my journey after Janie Beth, and now it is our family's journey after Janie Beth. There are still hard days. Things can still set me on a downward spiral if I am not expecting them. It still hurts that she isn't here and I won't get to hold her or kiss her again until Heaven. I love her! She has blessed me and changed me and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. There are still moments when I hold her lamb and cry. The hard steps are not over. But, by the grace of God, I take them.

All the other kids have had birthdays. :) We now house a 6, 5, and 3 year old. :) Homeschooling kind of stopped after Janie Beth and we will be starting up a couple days a week in July. The kids are excited to be starting 1st grade and Kindergarten. (They will be doing the same work. :)) Eli exceeded expectations in his potty training and will be in paci boot camp very soon. (He still has one in the bed.) They are enjoying the warmer weather and getting to go outside. Katie Jo still misses Janie Beth, as I am sure the others do too, but she voices it more. She wants the "Go to Sleep" song every night because it has a verses about Janie in it. Janie Bear still travels with us most of the time, but she does have to stay in the car more now. She is in dire need of a bath. :)

We are still job hunting, but we are still in contention with a few churches. God has provided the means to live for quite some time, so the only thing really hurting is our patience. :) I do not know God's plans, but I will stand on the promise that they are for our good and His glory and they will be made beautiful in their time!

Baby #5 seems to be coming along fine. I am 15 weeks now. I do not feel movement every day and I am doing my best to leave it in God's hands. Actually, I don't feel as though I feel movement many days. It is hard, but I am learning to walk by faith and not by feel. :) This baby has not made my Janie Beth journey any easier, in fact in some ways it is harder. I go back to the doctor June 10.

I am working on becoming the wife and mother God wants me to be. It is hard work!! Old habits die hard! It is also hard to find the balance of what is right for your family. Every family can't follow a book exactly. But, God brought me to Psalm 32:8-9 today.

I will unstruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye, do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you.

God is going to show me the way. He is instructing me in the way I should go. The key is whether I am listening and letting Him lead me. I find in this verse the I should instruct and guide my children in the way God does me. I found comfort in the fact that God cares enough to take the time to show me the way. I pray that I will not be like the horse and mule, and neither will my children.

So, God has done many things in the our lives over these last 6 months. I am excited to see what He does in our lives over the next 6 months.

Train Up Your Child

We are in the process of re-training ourselves as parents and by doing so re-training our children. This isn't easy when you didn't start out the way you should have!

This is another reason I am thankful for this time in our lives! I have learned a lot while being in Huntsville, making new friends who have the same values that we do. I have been soaking up some things and taking recommendations on books. My latest one is "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debi Pierce. It has really opened my eyes. I had already learned some things from trying to raise the first 2, so Eli is better behaved and obedient. LOL Now, I am praying for God to guide us as parents and draw us into a family after His own heart.

Right now we are really working on obeying the first time, not complaining and whining, and no rude or disrespectful speech. There are no warnings. It is hard to be consistent sometimes! Some days I just don't feel like it, but what does that say to my child?? I am relying on God ot strengthen me where I am weak and mold me into the mother He wants me to be. I am excited to see what all God is going to do in our family. He has already done so much!!!!

Along with learning to train everyone, I also need to finish up VBS this week. I am hoping to go to a curriculum sale on Thursday and begin working on our schedule for school. I will order our last couple things on Friday. I am excited to get started. I believe we will begin with just 2 days a week in July.

"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

I am calling on God in many ways, and He is answering! He is showing me the way. As a family, we are calling on God, and He is gently leading us. We are still waiting on many answers, but we are trusting God because He is sovereign and He is working all things together for our good and His glory! His plans for us are good and we are excited to see what they are!

On a side note, I am beginning to feel baby more!!! :) I love it! But, as my belly begins to poke out a bit, it hits me in church because that was Janie Beth's active time and I loved singing praises with her in my belly. She would dance around and praise her Maker and I would just hug my belly, or rub it. Man, I miss her! She is a special little girl!!! God is good!

Please pray for a couple special babies! They are Greyson and Josie and they are both little ones that need lots of praying for healing. I do not want their families to feel this pain! Thank you!!!!

Abba, may You reach down Your hand and touch Greyson and Josie in a special way. May You guide their doctors and give them wisdom and understanding. May You comfort their families and hold them close. May You do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. You are the God of hope, and I pray that you would fill them with joy and peace in believing , that they may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. May they know just how good You are. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Hope (Pregnancy)

My hope has been in nothing the last few days. I have been afraid to hope because then I may be devastated. I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

I must remember that my hope must be in Jesus.

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand!
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

I know my God is big and wonderful and He is going to work all things together for our good and His glory. I need to send that promise to my heart. It is in my head, but there seems to be a blockade somewhere from my head to my heart.

We found out March 16 that we are expecting baby #5 on November 24, 2010. It has been a roller coaster since then. I have been having spotting issues, and then I even hemoraged (totally misspelled and I apologize!). I was put on bedrest for a week and went back in. I had a pocket of old blood, so he figured I would spot brown mess for a little while still. That was 2 weeks ago, and I "think" I have finally stopped spotting. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and I am afraid that baby won't have a heartbeat anymore. I am 12 weeks today. I have been doing pretty good for most of this journey, but the week of appointments is always hard. I want to just let go and let God, but I can't seem to figure out how to let go this time!!!

My being pregnant is one of the main reasons I haven't posted as much because most of what I would have to say was about my feelings regarding that and Janie Beth. It is a whole new level in my journey and I am still learning how to tread this new water.

I long to let go and enjoy my family and pregnancy!! I am praying for God's help. That He would be strong where I am weak. That He would write my faith. That He would completely fill me and guide me. I want His Spirit to have complete access to me. This is all part of growing. Growing just usually comes with some kind of pain.

Today I will be singing My Hope is Built all day today. I will be taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and focusing on Him. Allowing God to help me let go.

Abba, I love You! Please guide me through this day. May You write my faith and be strong where I am weak. I need You!!! Teach me to use Your armor and to let go. May You be glorified through my journey today. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.