Reflections

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I know of a couple women going through a very difficult time this week. One lady's mom is deathly ill and may not survive, probably won't. One lady just found out her baby will not live outside the womb, if he/she is born alive at all.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about them for quite some time. I then thought about the fact that Easter is this Sunday. How could you go to worship on Easter Sunday if your mom just died? How do you go to worship on Easter Sunday when the baby that you love so much is not going to be with you very long without a miracle from God this side of Heaven?

Finding out about this precious lady who had a horrible doctor's appointment yesterday just brought me back to mine. I thought of the songs that I sang so much during Janie's journey, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms and Because He Lives.

Because He Lives, that is the reason that I would go to worship Easter Sunday! If Jesus didn't live, then what would be the point. Because He lives, I have hope! Because He lives, I will see Janie again. Because He lives, I have comfort when a loved one dies, and I get to rejoice if they are meeting Jesus face to face. Do I still hurt? YES!!! But God....

No matter the hard time that I am facing, or you are facing. Let us not lose sight of the One who goes before us (Deut 31:3). Let us not forget that He walks with us and will not leave us (Deut 31:8). The glory of the Lord shall be our rear guard (Is 58:8) and the angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him and delivers them (Ps 34:7).

The storm clouds are raging, but the sun is always shining behind them. The storm clouds of life may be raging this Easter Sunday morning, but the Son is shining behind them. There will come a day when the clouds part and He will descend!

Because He Lives
Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone

Because I know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives!!!!

The Holidays Approaching...

Bittersweet has become a word I use quite often. I use it right now to explain how the approaching holiday season feels. It is bittersweet, but in a different bittersweet way than last year's. I know that sounds crazy, and you all should know by now that I am a little bit crazy. ;)

Today marked 2 yrs since we had an u/s with our regular OB that showed Janie's limbs had not grown. Saturday marks a year since we went to UAB and saw the specialist. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 yrs!!! It seems like another life, yet it feels like a day ago as I can easily recall those days.

As I recall those days this year I am in a better place. I still miss Janie Beth with every part of my being, and I still yearn and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. It takes my breath away at moments. I cry at moments. But, the moments don't last as long, and I usually cry with a smile on my face. The yearning moments are the hard moments. There are certain pictures that make her more real to me, and those pictures bring a tear to my eye without a smile because I remember just how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I wonder what she would be like right now. Then, I picture, with my limited knowledge and imagination, how wonderful it is in heaven. I am thankful! That precious little girl called me to be a Mother.

Last year I was in a weird place. Joy Michelle was here already and I am so thankful that I had her to hold on those hard days. She took the ache out of my arms. Yet, I think i was somewhat numb. I just went through the motions. Perhaps to save myself some of the pain, I don't know. The holidays were just there. We endured them. We were blessed through them!

This year I am ready for the holidays. I want to embrace them with my children and watch the glow and delight on their faces. I want to make memories and teach them the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to live lives of thankfulness, not just a month of thankfulness. I want us to find ways to bless others. I want to celebrate my wonderful Savior who is pulling me through!

But, there is always a "but" isn't there :), being pregnant right now adds a whole new dimension to everything. I am beyond grateful to be pregnant right now and walk these days and weeks with a precious life in my womb. It is redeeming. It is healing. It is a struggle to be honest! I am fighting fear with this pregnancy that I did not fight with Joy Michelle's pregnancy. God in His mercy knew I could only handle so much last year, and He knew that Jesus and I could win this victory this year. I would have crumbled last year. This year I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms. I will feel and heal. My Redeemer only gives me what I can handle! AMEN! Now, if I would just remember that in those fearful moments. ;) Easier said than done sometimes.

This year the holidays will be different in other ways as well for our family. I do not know exactly what God is going to do, but I know He will come through because He always has in the past. It is scary, and I know that adds to my fear, but it is also exciting. Why!?! Why would this crazy woman say that it is exciting!?! Because it is God, and only God, and all God!!!! There is no me or us in this! I get to watch the hand of God move. How awesome is that!?! I have no idea where or when it is getting to move, but I know that it will. I will be like Abraham, who, contrary to hope, in hope believed (Romans 4:18).

Great and Mighty is the Lord our God! Thank You, Father, that I am in a better place. Thank You that You blessed my womb with Janie Beth. Thank You for the hope that we have in Jesus! Thank You for the Rock we have in Jesus. Thank You for the blessings You have in store for us. Thank You that You are making the path straight and smooth! You are awesome! I love You! May I come to love Jesus even more through this holiday season. May You draw me near to the heart of God. I don't want to miss the true meaning of Christmas, and I want to live a life of thankfulness at all times. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Yet Again...

So, here I sit on another Wed night pouring my heart out to God. You see, Joey is leading the College Bible study at church on Wed nights from 8:30-10, so I have plenty of God time after the kids go to bed. I miss Joey being here, but I am enjoying these special times with God. They do not happen often enough, and that is all my fault! Something I need to work on, and I am hoping the clocks moving back and getting the sun up before 7:30 will help with that. :)

Anyways... I was pouring out my heart again. I was telling God how weary I am of the waiting and wandering. This desert is getting old. Every time it looks like we are coming up on land, it turns out to be a mirage. As we walk along the hall and knock on each door it turns out they are all locked. Will it ever be the real thing? I pleaded and begged that God would just show us the next step. I told Him that I feel like He is right there and I can feel His breathe, but not His arms. It is like when you are kid and your parents are teaching you to swim and they keep backing up because they know you can go further. That is exactly what I feel like God is doing. He keeps backing up pushing me to come further. I need endurance and perseverance to finish this race!

I asked God to speak to me through His Word, well, beg would be a better word. LOL And you know what!?! He did!!! I decided last week that I would start reading through Psalms, but start in the back because I never make it all the way through. :) Joey suggested starting in the 5th book of Psalms (it is divided up into 5 books). So, I have been reading through Psalm 107 the last few nights. I opened it up, and low and behold here is what the next verse said...

And He led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:7

He will lead us in the right way!!! He will bring us out of this wilderness and into a city, our promised land, where we can dwell and serve with Him!

Let me back up to verse 4 so you can get the whole effect. I am telling you this Psalm is right where I am, and I have only made it through the first 9 verses!

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried out ot the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forthe by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:4-7

But, you can't stop there! Verse 8 tells us to be thankful! I definitely expressed my thanks after reading verse 7 before I even looked at verse 8.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. Ps 107:8-9

One of my sacrifices right now in the wilderness is thanksgiving. I am to be thankful when it is hard to be thankful! The thing is there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to look!! He is doing wonderful works in our midst daily, just His provision for our family is an amazing work! He will satisfy our longing souls more than we could ever imagine. He is just awesome like that. He loves me! Jesus knows my name. It is written on His palm because He is my Savior! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Abba, Abba! Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Just wispering Your name brings a peace to my heart. Thank You for meeting me again right where I am. No, You didn't show me the next step to take. But, You did show me Your promise that You will lead me in the right way. You will bring us to a city to dwell in. May You continue to draw us closer. I want to love You, Jesus, more and more. Show what I am to be doing as I wait. May I not waste this time. Thank You for showing me that the first thing I am to be doing is trusting You! You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, and in You I put my trust. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

18 Month

Hard to believe that I just typed "18 months"!!! I can just imagine how cute you would have been toddling around our house at 18 months. I do wonder what your laugh would sound like and how your hugs would feel. I also wonder just how amazing it is up there in Heaven! I can't begin to imagine how wonderful it is. I would never ever want to call you back from there. But, I do long to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and tell you "I love you". You are etched forever in my heart and you are on my mind each and every day.

I will say that I am doing well. I am happy and blessed! I still have days that are sad or hard, and circumstances that are hard. I even have moments within a good day that might take my breath away. But, overall I am in a good place. You, Janie Beth, have made me appreciate what all I have. I am amazed that God gave you to me. I am amazed that God gave me your 4 siblings to raise. I am amazed that God gave me your Daddy to walk through this life with. I am amazed at the many blessings God has and continues to give me. You have swelled my heart to overflowing, Janie Beth!

Thank You, Abba, for chosing me to be Janie Beth's mommy! It is a hard hard road to walk, but it is a road that I get to walk with You. It is a road that molds me into what You want me to be. It is the road that You have chosen for me. It is the road that I am called to, and I know that You will equip me for whatever You call me to do. You, Lord, are changing me! It is painful and hard, but necessary. Without Your calling to be Janie Beth's mother I wouldn't know You like I do, and for that I thank You! Thank You for blessing me. Thank You for getting me through the last 18 months and for continuing to get me through each and every day. It is by Your grace that I awake in the morning and lay my head down to rest at night. I love You! May You continue to break down the walls around my heart and mold me into the woman You have called me to be. May You continue to bless Janie Beth's journey through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Broken for Others

My heart is so broken for other mommies that know my pain!!! I know of a precious mommy that lost her first son to stillbirth a few days ago, and it has really got to me. I do not kow her personally, but to know the pain and agony that she is experiencing breaks my heart! I am praying for her and her family so much.

Today I found another blog with a mommy who has a precious baby girl with the same diagnosis as Janie Beth. Yet again, my heart broke. To know how she feels. To remember the feelings I had those weeks of carrying Janie Beth and knowing that she wouldn't make it.

There is another precious lady that is carrying twins, one of which passed away 14 weeks ago. She is so close to delivery, but is trying to make it as long as possible to allow the other little girl to grow even more. To prepare a funeral and a nursery at one time is excruciating!

I had a precious friend that had a rough delivery. To know that she could have felt my pain brings me to tears!!! Everything is just fine, but I never want any of my friends to feel this pain.

Pain will be with us until Jesus comes. Only when we get to Heaven will there be no more tears, pain, and sickness. What a glorious day that will be!!!!! May you all join me in praying for these precious women? Will you pray for the peace that passes understanding to fill them, and for God to write their faith through these difficult days. May God be glorified through their journeys.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May He make His face to shine upon you
And be gracious to You.
May He lift up His countenance upon you
And give you peace.
Numbers 6:22-24

A Tight Rope

My heart started out somewhat heavy today. Today I sit at 28 wks 2 days. Only 2 more days and I will be 28 wks 4 days, the day that I found out Janie Beth would not live without a miracle. God will graciously allow me to worship Him on that day this year at church. How neat is that!?! But, it still hurts.

Joy Michelle had the hiccups this morning. :) It was the first time, and it made me realize Janie Beth never had them. All of Joy Michelle's movements make me miss Janie Beth's little movements that I tried so hard to cherish those last 6 weeks.

I also got a call from the NICU this morning. A nurse was calling to get my information for a premie party. I had to tell her that my baby passed away. She was completely taken off guard and I felt bad that it happened to her, and I was doing ok at first. Now, I miss her terribly. I wish I could be going to a premie party to celebrate that she made it, but instead she is having an awesome party every day to celebrate her Savior. I can just picture her little self dancing and singing. :) It puts a huge silly grin on my face as tears streak my cheeks. She is so precious! God has molded each of my children perfectly!!

I feel as though the last few weeks I am just taking steps and trying to make it through the day. I am enjoying my days, but I feel lost sometimes. I want to feel God close like I did in the first days and weeks after losing Janie Beth. To feel Him like I did those last 6 weeks of carrying Janie Beth. I know God is calling me deeper, and I am trying, but I feel like a lost sheep in a dark forest. I know He is showing me the way and lighting my path, but there are days I want a brighter light. I have begun doing a couple of books on prayer, and I know that it is His will and I see Him answering my prayers, but I still feel as though I am in a corner and He keeps telling me it isn't my turn to come out yet.

We have changed our curriculum for school. We are doing what we did last year. Katie Jo is doing My Father's World Kindergarten and Josiah is doing MFW First Grade. We are really enjoying delving back into it, but it was a step. I think the main reason I wanted to move away from it this year was because it was what we were doing last year when Janie Beth was around. It is crazy some of the things grief makes you do. I do believe this is a step in going deeper.

We are also entering the Fall, as I have mentioned before. Football starts this weekend, and I am so excited, yet sad. I have a picture of me watching the AL v. AU game with Janie Beth in my belly, and we called it her Alabama-Auburn game. Football will always bring memories of Janie Beth now.

I am also pricing things to sell at consignment. This is not my first one since Janie Beth passed away, but it is different because we know Joy Michelle is a girl. I had just found out I was pregnant during the last sale. I had the thought yesterday that I will be looking for similar Christmas dresses for Joy Michelle and Katie Jo. Right after that thought, it occurred to me that the last sale I thought how I would be buying similar Easter dresses for Janie Beth and Katie Jo.

There are so many babyloss mommies that use butterflies to symbolize their heavenly babies, and that isn't something I have really done. But, the last week or so there have been random butterflies around us outside. I think it is God reminding me that He is still here, and a beautiful butterfly will come from this cacoon that we are in right now.


I truly believe that I have been on a tight rope of emotions as all these things have been building. The NICU call today brought the tears, after it all sank in, that have wanted to come out for a couple weeks now.

Here, God called me deeper just last week, and I believe He was preparing me. He knew I would need Him in an extra special way these next few months. I do not think that I will realize how deep I have gotten until I come out on the other side. Right now I will be clinging with my fingers grasping the side of the cliff. I will be "holding fast". I need to begin praying for Him to be strong where I am weak again, and for Him to write my faith. I know He is carrying me and helping me take each step. I feel like I am trucking through mud. It takes all my strength to pull that foot up to take another step because the mud is so thick. God will bring to a new level through this part of the journey. I need to be thankful that He is working in me, and not fret about the fact that He isn't really using me right now!! We all have to go through the Refiner's Fire. I do believe I am in it again. I can see ways He has been working in my heart as a wife and mother over these last couple weeks, and I know that we will need a whole lifetime to get me sorted out. :)

I do hope to begin blogging again. So often, when I don't it is because I am in that building up to falling off the tight rope time. I miss writing. It helps me. I look forward to having some fun posts too because life around here really is fun. :) How could it not be with Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Joy Michelle!?! I am sure we keep God and Janie Beth laughing with our clumsiness of trying to learn to walk on this earth!

HAPPY FALL everyone!!!! It is going to be a blessed one! I don't know what the blessings will be, but I know they will be there!

I do have to leave you with a funny! Eli wanted to take a picture of Joy Michelle. :) Yes, that is my belly button. LOL

The Doctor's Office

Tomorrow is my next doctor's appointment. I am nervous about going. I fear something being wrong, but it is more than that. I realized today that the doctor's office was Janie Beth's trip. That is where we heard her heartbeat and saw her as she grew. It is one of the few places during her life that was all about her. I do believe that my appointments make me miss her more. It reminds me that she isn't here and life has kept on going. So many hard decisions were made there, and I pray that I do not have to make any hard decisions this time. I pray for a healthy heartbeat tomorrow. But, even more I pray for God's will.

Psalm 119:49-50 Remember the word to Your servavnt, upon which You have caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my afflictiton, for Your word has given me life.

As I was praying I realized that my hope should always be in God. He is the only constant. My hope cannot be in a healthy baby. That will not fix all my problems. The only fix to my problems is God!

These verses remind me that in order to find my hope in God, I have to read His word and hide it in my heart. If I do not know His promises, then how will I know what my hope is in.

Here are some promises to cling to from God...

Dear ________, may you grasp how wide and long and high and deep My love for you is; a love that surpasses knowledge…you cannot ask or imagine the things I am planning for you! Your Heavenly Father (Ephesians 3:16-21)


Dear _______, I am your Salvation; trust in Me and do not be afraid. I am your strength and your song. Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 12:2)

Dear _______, I will bless you and keep you. I will make my face to shine upon you…I will turn My face toward you, and give you peace. Your Heavenly Father (Numbers 6:24-27)

Dear _______, I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way thou should go. I will guide thee with Mine eye. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 37:3-4)

Dear _______, I will keep you in perfect peace if you will keep your mind steadfast on Me and always trust Me…I am a Rock you can always stand on.
Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 26:3-4)

Dear _______, My Word is a lamp to your feet and a light for your path. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 119:105)

Dear _______, you can be a conqueror in all things through My love…for neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers…will separate you from My love… Your Heavenly Father (Romans 8:37-39)

Dear ________, I am your refuge and your strength. Even though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, do not fear. I am an ever present help in trouble. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 46:1-3)

Dear ________, I am your hiding place, I will protect you from trouble and surround you with songs of deliverance…I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go…I will counsel you and watch over you. Rejoice in Me… Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 37:7-11)

Dear________, I will guide you always; I will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your Heavenly Father
(Isaiah 58:11)

Dear ________, never forget My words…do not depart from My wisdom for it will protect you and watch over you. My wisdom and understanding will honor you and present you with a crown of splendor. Your Heavenly Father
(Psalm 4:5-9)

Dear ________, trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Me and I will direct your paths. Your Heavenly Father (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Dear _______, I am with you always, I will always be holding your hand; I will guide you with My counsel, and take you into My glory…I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 73:23-26)

Dear ________, because I am at your right hand, you will not be shaken. Therefore let your heart be glad and your tongue rejoice…live in hope, I will not abandon you.  Your Heavenly Father (Acts 2:25-27)

Dear ________, look up, your help comes from Me, the Maker of heaven and earth. I will not let your foot slip. I watch over you day and night… Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 121:1-8)

Dear _______, love Me and remember that I will see to it that all things work together for your good…for I know the mind of My Spirit and I am constantly interceding for you according to My will. Your Heavenly Father
(Romans 8:27-28)

Dear ________, I have carried you since your birth…I will continue to be with you and sustain you, even when you have gray hairs. I will always carry you; I will always sustain you; I will always rescue you. Keep your mind focused on Me and I will keep you in perfect peace. Your Heavenly Father
(Isaiah 26:3,4; 45:3-4)

Dear _______, I am with you, I am mighty to save. I will take great delight in you. I will quiet you with My love. I will rejoice over you with singing. Your Heavenly Father (Zephaniah 3:17)

Dear _______, call unto Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Your Heavenly Father (Jeremiah 33:3)

Dear _______, I will never leave you nor forsake you: I have engraved you on the palms of My hands. Your Heavenly Father (Josh 1:5, Isaiah 49:16)

Dear _______, do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.  Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 41:10)

Dear _______, he who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Your Heavenly Father (Psalm 91:1)

Dear _______, I am the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth…those who hope in Me will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. Your Heavenly Father (Isaiah 40:28-31)

 
I needed to be reminded of these today, and I pray that they blessed you as well. God really does care for us, whether we see what He is doing as good or bad, we can rest assure that He is working it all together for our good and His glory!
 
I will enter the doctor's office tomorrow by God's grace and strength. I never go anywhere without Him! :)