My Grandfather is dying. He is 84 yrs old and was diagnosed with bladder cancer a while back. I got a text this morning that he is not doing well at all. I knew this day was coming, but I was still surprised by it. The most surprising part was the flood of emotions.
I didn't realize how close to the top my grief stays. There are many times in life when I bury it deeper, but we have just moved 4 hours away from our hometown, and Janie Beth. Therefore; my grief rose up and I haven't pushed it very far back down yet.
Janie Beth's death has allowed me to see the value of others lives in my own. You don't realize how much someone means to you until they are gone. I guess it is a blessing to realize those things before someone is gone, but I feel as though I am still too late in realizing them this time.
As I sit here typing, I am flooded with memories. My Grandaddy played a huge role in my life growing up. My parents divorced when I was 5, and he stepped in and filled most of that void. He played with us, and all of his grandchildren. He had a huge smile on his face!!! It makes me have a huge smile to remember the many days of smiling and laughing. He has a huge sense of humor!
Not only did he add fun times, but he challenged me to be better. This was not something that I can pin point, but just how he was. He expected a lot and I tried to meet his expectations. I wanted to make him proud. He is smart and I wanted to be smart too. :)
We spent a lot of time at my grandparent's house and many of my most precious childhood and teenage memories are there. I am forever grateful to my heavenly Father for providing such a wonderful earthly grandfather.
Not only am I flooded with emotions and memories, but my children are too. Sadly, they know all too well the emotions of grief, but they also know the joy. I am thankful that they have precious memories with Grandaddy too. Part of my hurt is knowing their hurt, and my mom's and her siblings.
Grief is such a long dance. There are slow times and fast times; fun times and sad times; easy times and complicated times. Grief just gets woven into our lives. It is something you don't notice after a while because it is just how your life is, but then something happens to brings it rushing to the top. It isn't necessarily bad, but it can catch you off guard.
I am thankful tho because it made me realize the worth of life again, and before the person was gone. Still later than I would hope to realize, but earlier than other times. Maybe I am learning. I am thankful that the kids and I shared some of our thanks with him last Christmas, and I am thankful for the chance to tell him again thank you and I love you.