My Girls

The TP Queen!!! She is into everything! She is full of personality! She loves to sing and dance. She warms my heart! :) She is a little pistol, and I believe she will be in the same pea pod as her big brother Eli. She loves Josiah and goes to him to pick her up. She gets right in there with the big 3 with no problem!

Miss Imagination! She will quickly try new things, like skating. She is always crafting and making something to give to someone else. She loves to be outside! When outside she is often times in her own world. She has a whole nother world that she imagines. She does it outside mainly, but it comes inside too. She reminds me of me!!! Although, I didn't play with sticks and grass like she does. She is always making something with the onion grass, or cooking it. :) She has gotten into pulling lots of food out of the pantry and spices out of the drawer in order to "make" something. She has a soft compassionate heart, with a fire hidden under it! She is my helper, and I am excited to train her as a young lady!

We do the flowers at church on the Sunday closest to Janie Beth's birthday. This year it was New Year's Day. There are 22 pink flowers for the 22 hours that she lived, and 2 red roses because she would have been 2 years old. :)


It overwhelms me to think that I have been entrusted with raising these girls to be godly young women who follow after God with all their hearts. The world contradicts almost everything that God wants them to be! I am just an ordinary woman that is trying to climb this steep cliff. I pray that God will be extraordinary through me and that He will work around my faults and shortcomings and work wonders in their lives and hearts! I am blessed!

That Ache

The ache of the arms has been prevalent over the last week.
The desire to hold and touch and kiss.
The wonder of what she would be like.
How she would look. I can't even imagine.
It makes my heart skip a beat.
It catches my breath.
Brings a tear to my eye. A smile to my face.

I don't know why the onslaught of emotion right now. There could be several factors I guess. I blogged about meeting her and our time with her this week. It floods my memories again. It makes me long for those days to stand still.

I went to the open house of the new LDRP rooms at the other hospital in town. They are wonderful! The staff is so sweet! The NICU there is even intimate. It was a very blessed tour. Two of the rooms have the saying "Angels danced the day you were born" painted above the cribs. I have an ornament for Janie Beth that says that! It flooded me with her! It made her a part of the day. It makes me long to have one of those rooms with Timothy so that she is a part too.

Going to the hospital got me excited about Timothy's arrival. It reminds me of how different I pray that it is from Janie Beth's. The desire to have my labor and delivery the way I want them this time and just cherish each moment makes me wish I could do hers differently, but then I choose thankfulness instead. God was in control! And He still is! There is also that part of me that wonders if Timothy will be ok. Will I say that the angels danced the day he was born because he was born into heaven? I really do feel like everything is going to go wonderfully with his birth, but I know there are no guarantees, and God is in control.

I am also coming up on 28 wks. That is how far I was when we found out about Janie having TD. I even go to the doctor this week at 28 wks 1 day, just like I did when we saw Dr. F at 28 wks 1 day before going to the specialist. WOW!! God has a way of redeeming!

Joy Michelle's personality is really beginning to show and that makes me wonder all the more how Janie would be now, and what she would have been like at Joy's age. It makes me enjoy my kids more!!! I don't want to forget!

While my arms may ache to hold her and my fingers ache to feel her again, I am so thankful to have the privilege of being Janie Beth's mommy!! I would do it all over again. God has used Janie Beth to bring me on an amazing journey. He is still using her journey to change me. What a precious baby girl! I love you, Janie Beth!!! I miss you dearly!

Father God, thank You for making me Janie Beth's mommy!!! Thank You for bringing me on this amazing journey! As I continue to seek You with all my heart, I pray that You will continue to mold me and heal me on this journey. Thank You for the wonderful time I had with Janie Beth. Thank You for the ability to spend each day with Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, Joy Schelle, and Timothy! Thank You for Joey and how You used Janie Beth to bring us closer. You are an awesome God! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

Book Review: Unbound Birth

I was given the privilege of reading this ebook and writing a review for it. It becomes available on January 31 on Amazon and the website. If you click on the picture it will bring you to the website. You can like it on facebook and twitter.

This book was a very easy read! I finished it in about an hour, if that. It is a wonderful overview of natural birth with some very good ideas to accomplish that goal.

It gave me more confindence to have the birth I want at the hospital. Reading others stories helps boost your own confidence that it can go well.

I would recomend this book to any woman who is considering a natural birth and is trying to decide whether to have one, or to anyone who might need a little more confidence after a bad experience in a previous birth.

It was a refreshing read, and I am very thankful for the sample birth plan at the end!

My last birth was a natural birth and it went very well, but this time I want to have more control over how things are handled and listen to my body more. This book made me feel like I can do that! Now, I just need April to get here. :)

With My Whole Heart

WOW!!! That is all I can say about how Amazing God's word is!! It is so full. It is alive and active. It compliments itself. It all works together. God has been showing me some awesome things and I feel as though I am on the verge of putting the pieces in the puzzle. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a major break through about to jump into the presence of God! I can't put the feeling into words that fills my heart!

I have been seeking God wholeheartedly this year. He is showing me verse after verse. They all connect; yet, they are all written years and years apart. It is so excited! The funny thing is, it catchs me off guard each time! I go in expecting God to speak to me through His word, but then He lets it all work together to reenforce itself. WOW!!!

I have also started the study Experiencing God. I cannot tell you how excited I am!! I haven't done a study like this in quite some time. I trully want to experience God this year. I was super stoked when Joey told me that he thought I should do a study this semester because it would be encouraging for me. And what study is available!?! Experiencing God. That is the aim as I seek Him with my whole heart this year. Isn't He good!?!

I have so many thoughts swarming in my head right now that I can't get them coherently down. :) I pray that God will give me time to put these amazing puzzle pieces together and begin to write about all the nuggets He is showing me.

I just wanted to hop on today and say my God is an Awesome God!!!! Worthy to be praised!!! He answers prayers in amazing ways!!! He loves me! :O That is so humbling. The fact that He is teaching me so much is humbling.

Abba, thank You! May You continue to grow me in the grace and knowledge of my Savior Jesus Christ. Continue to prune my heart so that it can seek You wholeheartedly. I want You to be my treasure. Show me Your will, Father. This is Your day. May You be lifted up and glorified through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I can't wait to share everything God is showing me!!! I feel like a little kid in a toy store. :)

Walking With You~ Meeting Janie Beth and Our Time With Her

Week 3 on Walking With You
Sufficient Grace Ministries~ Walking With You
 This week, we will be sharing about the birth of our babies and the moments we spent with our children after they were born.

December 29, 2009
What a day it ended up being. I woke up feeling fine, but it wasn't long before the contractions started up again. They had started after my doctor's appointment the day before and hadn't really let up at all until I was asleep. I decided to do some cleaning. I remember cleaning the kitchen a bunch. LOL I was mega cleaning it, I guess. I am sure I cleaned other parts of the house, but I just do not remember. I am sure I washed clothes too since I usually wash on Monday and I went to the doctor. After cleaning all morning, I decided to shower and see if that helped stop the contractions or if they would keep going. I always took my time in the shower when pregnant with Janie Beth (some would say I still do LOL). I would sit on the seat, think, and try to feel her. I put on my black skirt with a red shirt that had black stripes.


The shower didn't stop the contractions. The contractions themselves weren't bothering me, but the pressure they brought was another story. I decided about 2:00-2:30 to call the doctor's office and see what they said. The nurse told me that Dr. F didn't think I would make it to the next week. (Thanks!) They told me to go the L&D and see what was happening and that Dr. N was on call that day. We called my mom to leave work and head to the house. We called my step-dad to come down to the house and be with the kids. I will never forget the excitement of the kids when we told them. It broke my heart! The picture of them waving to us out the door as we left will forever be engraved in my mind. It brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart because they wanted Janie Beth to have her miracle here on Earth just as we did. Josiah even commented one day that it would be really cool to see a miracle happen; to watch Janie Beth's chest pop out and be bigger were his words. Katie Jo mentioned to me while I was packing my bags just a couple days before how she thought Janie Beth would live. (She did live, just not for as long as we would have hoped. This is something I hadn't realized until just now. God did answer our prayers for her to live; He just planned her life to last only 22 hrs.)

As you can imagine, we had a lot of stuff! We had the bag with all the things in it to create lasting memories and the various things we may want to use. We also had the boppy to use to take pictures. I had a boom box and my pillows; I guess I am a pillow snob. :) We also had the laptop. We left the bag with our clothes and things in the car. We look as though we were moving in!

The waiting room was packed! We got there around 3 or 3:30. Joey and I stood by the receptionist and talked to her. She was a blessing! We waiting for 30 min or so.

We then went to LDR 6. We had 2 nurses. One had just moved over from OR. They were really sweet. We gave them our birth plan and explained what all was going on. They checked me and I was 6 cm and 80% effaced. I wasn't going anywhere. They called the doc. I do not remember time wise how the evening went. They gave me my epidural and my blood pressure plummeted! They squeezed the fluids into me, and they had already given me quite a bit before the epi since I had trouble with the last one I had. They gave me meds twice. It stayed low for quite some time. (I didn't feel normal until some time the next day.) It was a scary experience and I was ready for them to turn off the epi, but they wanted me to be able to enjoy the evening since we weren't sure what would happen.

There were many family and friends there in the waiting room. Some came back and visited before the issues with the epi. We were very blessed!

Dr. N came around 7:30 or so to break my water. It was like a dam had broken! I could see the water shoot up from my lounging position! With a child that has thanataphoric dwarfism, the mother has an excessive amount of fluid! The doc jumped back and went for the door saying we needed help. LOL Joey and the nurse both told me that it was nasty. They used blankets to wipe up the floor and then had to come in and mop. I do not think Dr. N will ever forget that! :)

They got the room all ready for delivery since my labors tend to be quite fast once you break my water. Around 9, I felt Janie Beth drop. It was a feeling I didn't have with the first 3. We got the nurse to come. I was ready and Janie Beth was right there. They called Dr N and the neonatal doctor (we love him!). Dr. D (the neonatal doc) was 10 min away. Are you kidding?? Even with the epi, it was hard to not push. I was holding the side bar and pulling up like that would help. LOL

Dr. D got there and I got to push. She was out in 1 contraction, at 9:20pm. No sound.... They brought her over to the baby bed to see how she was. Joey came over and told me that she was fighting and they wanted to take her to the NICU. A glimpse of hope. Joey went with her to the NICU. I am very thankful for the pictures Kelly took since I didn't get to follow.

A large group of folks came in the room once they went up to the NICU. I cannot tell you who all was there because I am sure that I do not remember everyone. The kids got big sibling pins and the grown-ups got pins too. We were all hoping for a miracle here on Earth.

I know Joey and Dr. D updated while still in L&D, but exactly what they said, I do not remember. The only update I remember is when Dr. D came to my recovery room and told us that he believed she did indeed have TD, but we would't know for sure until morning because there wasn't a pediatric radiologist there that night.

They wheeled me to Janie Beth's bed on my way to my room. Oh, how I wish I had stayed there a while. I want so much to be back there beside her bed feeling her and talking to her.

December 30, 2009
I remember going to the NICU as soon as it opened up at 8:00am after the shift change. Jennifer came with donuts. My next memory is Dr. D coming in and telling us that Janie Beth did indeed have TD. Then, came the decision that we would take her off of the ventilator later that day. The morning was full of visitors. Joey brought each one in to visit Janie Beth. I went and saw her a couple of times, and I sat in my room and talked with people. Most everyone stayed in the NICU waiting room because it was bigger. Starting at 3:00 I sat by Janie's bed until every person had come in and said their goodbyes.

When I got there, she opened her eyes and looked at me. :) She held my finger the entire time I sat there. God answered my prayers!! I wanted more than anything for her to squeeze my finger. Kelly told me that she opened her eyes more when I came in then she had the entire Kelly had been there. I had some time with her just Joey and I before the others came back.

The kids came in and we all sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. I sang as much as I could through my tears. Katie Jo is the one that started the song. She loves Janie Beth so much! It still breaks my heart to see the progression of pictures with Katie Jo because you can see her excitement that Janie Beth is there, and then the pure sadness when we tell her she will go to Heaven later that day. In the NICU and later in room 310, Josiah took each part of her in. It was like he was trying to engrave her in his mind, such care and love! Eli didn't want to have much to do with her at that time, but he definitely talks about her a lot now. :)

Many family and some friends came back to visit. Janie Beth touched so many lives in her short time here.

Once everyone had their turn, Joey and I sat there a bit longer.

I walked by myself back to the room while Joey stayed with Janie as she was un-hooked. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done, but he wanted to be there for her through it all. It is hard for me to see the pictures of her after being taken off when she is crying because I know that there was no sound even though she was trying so hard.

Joey wrapped her up and carried to room 310. Kelly even caught Janie Beth looking up at Joey as he walked through the hallway. It was the last time she opened her eyes. She was/is so proud of her Daddy!!!

Joey and I had some time just the 2 of us with her in the room for a while. She took some squeaky breathes for a few minutes. Her heart stayed beating until about 7pm and she was taken off the ventilator at 5:30.

The kids came in the room first and had some time with Janie Beth. Then, the others came in. We took pictures and everyone who wanted to go to hold her. We made imprints of her hands with each of the kids. It was a special time, a surreal time.

Everyone left, and Joey and I worked on molds. We had to get the NICU charge nurse to help us. She was amazing!!!! I remember being upset because she was getting hard and I was having trouble getting prints. We decided to take a break and get some sleep. It was a long day, but a blessed day. It went the way God had planned.

I wish I could put up every picture that was taken!! It is so hard to chose. There are pictures with each person that came to the NICU and to the room. Kelly will forever hold a special place in our hearts!!!!!

December 31, 2009
That morning Janie Beth's hands had loosened up. I thanked God so much because I was able to get her prints and trace her hands and feet. I think I almost cried! It was a special morning just Joey, Janie, and I. I gave Janie Beth a bath and then rubbed her with lotion. I used the lavendar scented wash and lotion from the NICU. She was dressed in the dress that Katie Jo picked out and wrapped in a pink blanket.

We had a wonderful nurse that day. She asked questions about Janie Beth and genuinely cared. I loved that she wanted to know! We even joked a little before we left.

The thought of calling the funeral home and having them come get Janie Beth wasn't sitting right with Joey and I. It was a call we just couldn't bring ourselves to make. Thankfully, someone told us that we could transport her ourselves because she was so small. There was peace in that decision.

While Joey loaded the car, I sat with Janie Beth and sang and talked to her. I cried more than I had the entire stay at the hospital. I wanted those moments to last forever; to soak her in completely.

I was allowed to carry her out to the car. I walked instead of riding in the wheel chair. The nurse did have us go down the staff elevator. I kind of felt for the food guys in there, but they already knew because they were the ones that brought me my food earlier. It felt good to be holding her and carrying her. We even freaked out a lady when I got in the car holding her in the front seat. :) The security guard had to tell her it was ok. That brought laughter to Joey and I.

I am thankful that we got to take her on her first car ride. We still got to do "firsts" with Janie Beth, just not in the normal way.

Then, we pulled into the parking lot of the funeral home. We drove around back. Joey came around the car to get Janie Beth. I hugged her so tight! I held on a bit longer. This was it; the last time I would hold my precious baby girl. As I watched them go inside I just cried. I held my pink lamb and cried. Joey carried her in and laid her on the gurney himself. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done; that and being with her when she was disconnected. He came back to the car and we cried together.

We both had on shirts that we had put Janie Beth's footprints on. We went to Arby's to grab a bite before going to pick up the other kids. I wondered if anyone wondered. Here we were with shirts that had footprints and no baby. I am not sure if we talked much while we ate or not.

Even though the day was really hard, it was filled with peace. The peace that only God can provide. He was in control. We let Him guide our steps, and He blessed our time with her! I am so thankful!!!

Walking With You~ Week 2

This is week 2 on Walking With You.
If you are a mother who has heard the words incompatible with life, what happened next for you? Share about the waiting if your journey continued. How did you walk that path? What were some of your feelings? What did you do to form lasting memories? What were your struggles? Things you found comfort in?

After learning that Janie Beth would likely not live after birth, I just tried to breathe and make it through each moment. I sang "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" quite often because that is exactly what I was doing, and that is why I named my blog Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. Many times it felt like I was watching someone else walk in my shoes. We fell completely out of our routine in school. We maybe did a day or two after getting her diagnosis. (But, Josiah still learned an awful lot for not doing anything!) We didn't do chores like we normally did either. I was doing the bare necesseties while I tried to figure out how to walk this path.

I did a ton of reading online! I found many blogs and read and read and read. I found organizations, Sufficient Grace Ministries and String of Pearls, that helped women who were carrying to term. Thankfully, we were never faced with the question of whether to terminate the pregnancy because I was already 28.5 weeks. I read in my Bible. I had a couple devotion books I read. I taped Bible verses around the house. I pulled out a little notebook I have that has verses written in it that I read during the really hard moments.

My favorite part of each day was while the kids were napping/resting. I would loung on the couch with my computer and just feel Janie Beth. It was hard to feel her because of all the fluid, but she usually moved during that time. I will forever cherish those times! She moved the most in church. :) The only time that I was really able to see my belly move around was the Sunday before she was born. I even told Josiah to watch. Joey was working so he wasn't there. It was priceless! Church helped me a whole lot! The songs touched my heart. (There are still songs that make my heart skip a beat when the first few chords are played!)

I started my blog to keep people updated on everything that was going on and to have a place to write the many thoughts and emotions that were constantly running through my head!

I tried my best to cherish every moment and every day. We bought a journal that we engraved her name on that I wrote in every night. I told her what we had done that day and I often times wrote about things God was teaching me and Bible verses. (Just a side note, I can’t find this journal since we moved, so prayers that it is found would be appreciated!) I felt a connection to Janie Beth during this time in the evening. I didn’t speak out loud much, but I felt as though she could tell what I was thinking, crazy as that sounds.

We went to Build a Bear and let each of the kids make a Janie Beth bear. It was a way to give them something to hold onto when they were sad or to talk to when they wanted to talk to her. It was one of the best things we did!!!! Those animals are very well loved!

We took pictures with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Our photographer was amazing!!! I am so thankful for those tangible memories!

We made each special event Janie Beth's. It was her Thanksgiving, her AL v. AU game (a big deal for college football in AL), her first snow. We even went to a movie. I prayed daily that she would still be with us for Christmas. I still remember that Thanksgiving. We went to the normal family gathering, but I felt so alone. It was so hard. Josiah's Janie bear watched the football with me. Janie Beth got hit by a snowball. We were blessed to have her for Christmas too. We bought an ornament with a dad and pregnant mom and wrote her name on the belly. I found a pink lamb that became my Janie Beth lovey.
Watching the game...

 You can see the snowball mark on my jacket. :)

We were blessed by so many!!! God wrapped us in His arms, and also in the arms of His children. Those were the hardest 6 wks!!! Every single thing was bittersweet. I felt stuck. Grief had already begun, yet I was trying to enjoy. It was a constant see-saw of emotion. I prayed daily, and often times multiple times a day, that God would write my faith! I told God exactly what I felt about the situation. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for guidance and peace. I prayed for comfort. I cried. We bought her a dress and should have bought stock in Hobby Lobby because we got so many memory makers.

I did have a turning point in my journey when I was having pity party and God met me there. I was crying out to Him and I told Him that I didn't want to walk this road! He asked me, "Why don't you want to walk this road? You have no idea where it leads." (original post) WOW!!!! He was right! I had no idea where this road was going to lead. Little did I know how many prayers Janie Beth would answer or how many lives she would touch.

God always met me right where I was and always knew just what to say. :) He is awesome like that. As I re-read my blog posts from those 6 weeks I am amazed at what all God showed me. I am amazed that I even walked that road. I truly learned what God meant when He said that where you are weak, I am strong. I was carried through those weeks!!! I was groping to find my way. I was doing all I could to breathe. Do I have regrets? Of course, but I try hard to be thankful for the things that I did do!

What a journey those 6 weeks were! They were only the beginning of a very long road.

25 Weeks Preggo

I am now a little over 25 weeks. WOW!!! Time has flown, which it tends to do even more as I grow up. :)

If you have been around a while, then you know that my last 3 pregnancies have not been without issue, and I was really praying that this one would go smoothly with no issues. But, that is not the case. :) God tends to have to put me on my behind to teach me! I want to wholeheartedly seek Him this year, so He is giving me ample opportunity to start the year on the right foot. :)

I started contracting more around 21 weeks or so, but that is my normal time for the braxton hicks to pick up, so I really wasn't worried about it. But, then at 23 weeks I started having pressure. AH! I thought that maybe I had been on my feet too much, so I decided to see how I felt after a good night's sleep. The next morning was also Janie Beth's birthday. Not a day I particularly wanted to go to the doctor! The morning started out feeling ok, but as it went on the pressure built up. We were going to lunch for Janie's birthday and then to the cemetary so I called my doc on the way into town. They wanted me to come right in since we were so close since I was feeling as tho he was going to fall out! To say I was nervous is an understatement!!!

Of course, my doc was at the hospital delivering so I saw the nurse practitioner. My cervix is short, but that is to be expected when you are expecting your 6th child. It is essentially closed, but she wrote me as 1 cm dilated. (I was 1 cm at this point with Joy also.) He is sitting low tho, so figured that was the cause of the pressure.

I was put on modified bedrest and given some bp meds to take to keep the contrax away, and told to keep my appt for the next week.

So, that brings us to today. I spend most of my time sitting around. My crockpot is getting a work out. I try my best to not have to take the meds because they make my bp really low since it already runs low. I have lavendar essential oil that keeps my contrax at bay if they start up. The pressure is actually caused by pelvic congestion. :( I have issues with it at other times too, but this is the first time with pregnancy. It seems to be getting a little worse with each of the last few pregnancies. I have been doing quite a bit of googling if you couldn't tell. LOL

This sitting around has given me the opportunity to seek God and His will for our lives. I am researching Real Food and Essential Oils right now, as well as vaccines. :) Very interesting stuff!

I have also been wrestling with fear this pregnancy. There are several outside factors that are present with Timothy's pregnancy that were present with Janie Beth's. I won't go into all the details but God and I are wholeheartedly conquering this fear. :) I am excited!!!

Timothy seem to be growing just fine! I have gained 10 lbs, and my uterus was measuring 25-26wks at 24 wks. I got back at 28 wks for my glucose test and I will see the doctor at that visit. After that I will be going every other week!!! That is crazy! I can't believe I am already at that point!

Timothy's bassinet is up in our room (mainly b/c it is easier to store it there LOL), and he has a few onesies and bibs in my drawer. He was also the recipient of some adorable cloth diapers from my sister for Christmas!!! I also bought him a cute little lovie and he has a very special blanket from his big sister Janie Beth! One of the blankets in her NICU crib is cream with 2 little animals and I decided while I was pregnant with Joy that if she was a boy this blanket would be Janie's contribution, so it is Timothy's first official blanket. :)

Timothy is also referred to as T.J. quite often around here. Unless you are Eli :) because he can't seem to remember either one and has to ask, "what is the baby's name in your belly I can't remember"? :) Eli got to feel Timothy the other day and he often tries to feel him. It is really sweet. All 3 of the big kids are very excited for Timothy's arrival!! Joy pats on my belly because the others do and laughs. LOL I am trying to tell her Timothy is in there, the baby. We shall see.

Timothy is already very much loved!!! I love to feel him move around! I would just sit there and feel all day if I could. :) Altho it gets a bit uncomfortable when he decides to try coming out my belly button. :P

I managed to get a belly picture the other day when a friend came to visit with her camera!!! My camera was dropped by a precious child of mine and will not work anymore. :(

So.... here I am, and I will add a pic of the bassinet. We buy ribbons for each of the kids at the hospital that have bears and rattles on them, and I pulled the bears and rattles off and put them on a shelf above the bassinet. Janie's bow didn't have a bear because Joey couldn't remember if we got the ones with bears or not, so hers is a white lamb that I had. The back of each animal has the part of the ribbon that has their names and stats glued to it. Janie Beth's blanket and other white lamb also hang over the bassinet just a it did Joy's. :) The animals on the shelf are in age order. :)