"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Love her....

Just thinking about that precious little face....
Thank you, Father, for allowing me to be Janie Beth's Mommy!!!

Broken for Others

My heart is so broken for other mommies that know my pain!!! I know of a precious mommy that lost her first son to stillbirth a few days ago, and it has really got to me. I do not kow her personally, but to know the pain and agony that she is experiencing breaks my heart! I am praying for her and her family so much.

Today I found another blog with a mommy who has a precious baby girl with the same diagnosis as Janie Beth. Yet again, my heart broke. To know how she feels. To remember the feelings I had those weeks of carrying Janie Beth and knowing that she wouldn't make it.

There is another precious lady that is carrying twins, one of which passed away 14 weeks ago. She is so close to delivery, but is trying to make it as long as possible to allow the other little girl to grow even more. To prepare a funeral and a nursery at one time is excruciating!

I had a precious friend that had a rough delivery. To know that she could have felt my pain brings me to tears!!! Everything is just fine, but I never want any of my friends to feel this pain.

Pain will be with us until Jesus comes. Only when we get to Heaven will there be no more tears, pain, and sickness. What a glorious day that will be!!!!! May you all join me in praying for these precious women? Will you pray for the peace that passes understanding to fill them, and for God to write their faith through these difficult days. May God be glorified through their journeys.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May He make His face to shine upon you
And be gracious to You.
May He lift up His countenance upon you
And give you peace.
Numbers 6:22-24

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I believe the pictures speak for themselves. LOL Katie Jo came up to me and told me that she had found some water. :O

Can you tell who likes mud the most?? What about who is the least into mud? LOL

I actually put the camera up too early. They found a squiggy and were using that to spread the mud out on the driveway, and Katie Jo had her dress hiked up while she was leaning over to keep it out of her way. It was quite humurous! I also should have taken a picture of the bathtub after KJ was cleaned. :P I still need to wash it.

For a couple hours of entertainment, all you need is buckets, water, and dirt!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Why is it that when I am having a hard time with anything or God is dealing with me about something that I miss Janie Beth even more?? The grief makes the other stuff all the harder. It makes me think that it would be so much easier if Janie Beth was here. That thought is completely untrue! Life is hard regardless and there will always be times when God has to work on me, even if Janie Beth was here.

I had to remind myself yesterday of an old post I had written (found here). I had to remember that I had made the decision to live holeheartedly. It seems as though I take one step forward and 3 steps back. We started a new routine and God had shown me my calling, and then I got sick. But, it wasn't just that. I think there is a part of me that really has trouble moving on. It leaves Janie Beth behind. I know it doesn't really because she goes with me in my heart, but I really want her here with me and I want to hold her so much!!! I am so thankful that God made Joy Michelle a cuddle bug!!!

Valentine's Day hit me harder than I ever thought it would. I had no idea that it would be a hard holiday. I am still recovering. Maybe I haven't actually let myself grief from that day. Tears seem close so often right now. Maybe it is the fact that I feel God is about to start a new chapter, and to know that she won't be a literal part of it is sad. I really don't know.

I have also seen an ugly part of myself! When God allows me glimpses of my true self, it hurts! I have been feeling entitled. What!?! What gives me the right to feel entitled???!!! Here is how this went: We have been looking at another house that we would like to rent. Well, then a nicer house was put up to rent. Then, it was put up for sale. God, I really like that house! We could afford those payments if we get make such and such amount. Then, I start thinking about how I would set it up. How ugly!!!! I was coveting. It isn't a bad thing to think about how to set up a house, but my heart was in the wrong place. Then, God steps in... I realize that it is more house than we really need. It doesn't actually fit all the things we really want in a house. But, it is newer and nice. I knew in my heart that it wasn't right for us, but I wanted to hold onto it for a little longer. Sad, I know! We have gone back to the other house, and we would want to add on a little, but it is a far wiser choice and the one that we felt God leading us to a while back. Granted, all of this is mute until God overcomes that last few hurdles and opens the new chapter, but I am thankful that God had me fight this fight now! What a mess we would have been in if I was coveting when we were looking. That opens the door to sin and it is a quick spiral down!

I find that I covet those families that have all their children. I know this is a common feeling for baby loss mommies, and I am praying for God to help me deal with this. I look at them and feel like their lives are perfect. Wrong, I know because I do not know their stories, but from where I sit that is how it looks. There families are whole and mine has a hole. :( I ache in that hole.

I believe that my hole is shaped like a cone. The point being the closest to the surface. This is why it hurts when God calls me deeper. It means I have to go down where the hole is bigger and it hurts. But the only way to take more steps forward and truly let God's grace work is to allow Him down where the hole is the biggest. It will take time, lots and lots of time, and God graciously spreads it out! I am in a time of going deeper, but I am at the stalled part. He is calling me and I have been resisting without even realizing it. I have been sitting in my grief. God reminded me this morning that I have a Living Hope in Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:3). I need to cling to that Living Hope. I must remember His promise in 1 Thessalonians 5:24-- He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it. My part in this promise is to allow Him to do it!

Maybe I am a little scared of exactly how deep God wants me to go or exactly what He is doing. We are at the end of our finances. God has been moving, but from where we are sitting we can't see exactly how He is going to work everything out. Is He going to work it all out? Yes, He will take care of us, but how we don't know. I remind myself that I have Victory in Jesus!!! I know that [He] can do everything and that no purpose of [His] can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) With God nothing is impossible!!!

Abba, please forgive me for putting me before You. Forgive me for thinking that I deserve better. May You cleanse me and make me white as snow! May You come in and create in me a new heart. I do want You to go deeper in me, and I ask that You write my faith for this journey. May You be strong where I am weak. May You be glorified through this part of my journey. May Your will be done in our lives. Please show us the next step to take. Heal my heart and fill my hole with Your grace. I want to love You more, Father! Please be big in me! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Friday, February 11, 2011


Since there were only 2, I am going to get you both the flags you wanted. :) You guys are awesome!!!

I am working on some posts, but time just isn't always there!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

300th Post Giveaway!!!!

Can you believe that this is my 300th post??? (Disclaimer: in case you are like my husband and add the posts in my history; I have 300 posts including drafts and only 284 actually posted. ;) ) That is just crazy! I kept thinking about what I could do to make it special, and I thought about doing a give away but wasn't sure what to give away. LOL

I have been wanting to do a post about flags, so I thought I would give away a flag. You see, I love picking out the perfect flag for Janie Beth's grave.
Here is the latest one...
The heart is blown up like a beach ball. Isn't it cute!?!

A friend of mine told me about a site that sells garden flags. Let me tell you, it is awesome!!! They have some amazing flags!

Here are a couple of my favorite ones from Flags R Us. They are both under the theme inspirational.
Gods Keeping Flag ca45146

Forever in Our Hearts Flag e16c005

These flags are not only good for the cemetary, but also for the garden! I can't wait to have a home of our own where I can have our Janie Beth garden and pick out cute flags to go in it!

This giveaway will be for the flag of your choice up to $15.

To enter put a comment telling me the flag you would want.

In order to get another entry or two, you may blog about this giveaway and/or follow my blog. :)

I will leave this open until Friday, Feb 11 at Noon.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

3 Months Old

Joy Michelle was 3 months old on January 26. Time surely does fly!! She is still easy going. Thank You, Lord!!! She is smiling so big now; mainly in the morning. She likes to be snuggled still. :) Her head control is getting better, but she is not a fan of tummy time! I have never been a good one for remembering tummy time with any of my kiddos, so it is my fault she doesn't like because I hardly do it. She still loves the swing! She likes the Moby wrap too!! Mommy does too. :)

We are making the switch over to cloth diapers. She is in 0-3 month clothes. She is generally getting up once at night, anywhere from 2-5 depending on the night. She is still having tear duct issues, but it is beginning to clear up again.

I could love on her all day!!! She really does make the ache in my heart more bearable. I love the sweet smiles she gives me. They make me wonder what Janie Beth looks like when she smiles. :) Her big siblings love her to pieces!!! They are always in her space. LOL Eli loves her more than I thought he would. She smiles the biggest for him. :) I have a feeling they are going to be buds, which could mean more work for mommy. LOL Katie Jo is always wanting to hold her. Dad holds her more than he held the others. We definitely cherish her more than we did the others. Janie Beth has given us the gift of truly cherishing all of our children!

Here are some pictures from the last month...

3 Months Old with Little Janie

In the Snow...
 With Janie Beth's flowers at church.
 First kind of smile I caught on camera.
 This dude is hilarious
 LOVE this one!!!
 All snuggled in the Moby
 Not sure what to think of this thing. LOL See the mess of the kitchen/schoolroom/mommy's office. :)
 Eli is trying to get in the picture I am trying to take of Joy Schelle
 Will he ever leave me alone!?! LOL
 Watching Josiah do school.
 The plotting begins
 I am still waiting for the day that this boy learns how to smile normal on demand!
 The eyebrows are always a part of the smile. LOL

 Can you tell KJ has a peppermint in the side of her cheek? LOL
 Hanging with Dad!
 Sporting my cloth! :)
 Hanging out with Mr. Kevin and my cool buddette, Lola! :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Katie Jo turns 6

Katie Jo turned 6 years old on Sunday, January 30. WOW! Has it really been that long!?! Katie Jo came out a whopping 5 lbs 14 oz and 19 in, and I do not believe that she has stopped since that moment. :)

Kathryn JoAnn, I am so proud that you are my daughter. You are a special little girl. You are tender and caring, especially where babies are concerned. You also care for those that are hurt. You are quick to give up something for someone else, usually.

You do have a bossy side and slight temper. You are the socialite of the family! We started going to a new church over this past year, and you seemed to know everyone within a week or 2. You are enjoying choir and mission friends.  Performing is something that you love to do!

You played 2 seasons of soccer this year. You played your best! :) You aren't one for being hot tho. You want to try softball this year, and you have been practicing baseball on the wii. This is good because at first you swung the bat backwards! You are more of a dancer than an athlete at this point, but you may surprise us.

You started Kindergarten this year. You really enjoy school! You started math this semester, and you are almost done with your phonics. You still LOVE to craft!!!! Nana and Poppa got you crafting supplies for Christmas and your birthday so that you don't use up all the school craft supplies. :) You are always making things for others.

You love to nurture! I believe you would take care of Joy Michelle all day if I let you. You generally play well with Eli, but you have your tiffs. You and Josiah play well together, except you aren't big on being involved in his wars. The three of you play Star Wars all the time, and you often have some special something that heals people. Your brothers got you a light saber for your birthday, and you were so excited!! You ran and gave each of them a big hug. :) I do believe it is your favorite gift.

The day before your birthday we went on a shopping spree with Abby. You also had some spending money. You spent over half of it in Claire's getting eye shadow, scrunchies, and galactic ooze (which you experimented with freezing it). Then, you spent the rest at Bath & Body Works getting a gift set of lotion, body spray, and shower gel, and a coconut lip gloss. You have thankfully inherited the love of shopping. :) You often times go with me when I grocery shop, although, that is so you aren't stuck with the boys. LOL I will pretend it is b/c you want to go.

It has been a hard and fun year for you! You love to visit Janie Beth! You drew her a picture for her birthday and we sent it up with the balloons, but it got stuck in the tree. I know she loved it!!!!

I am excited to see what God has in store for you! You already talk of being a mommy. I pray now for a godly man to be your husband and that you would become a godly woman. You talk of being a missionary. I think you will be a missionary for Him in some form or fashion, whether it is going to another country or just in your neighborhood. I am praying for you to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ this year. God is planting seeds in your heart and I am honored to have the privilege of watching them grow. :)

Here are some pictures from your year!
 Attended your first tea party. :)
 Made your first Domino's pizza.
 Go Upward!
 Slept like Mommy. :)
 Finished your second book in Cubbies.
 Went and got your hair cut on a girl's day out. :)
 We had fun at the mall after your hair cut spending your Claire's card.
 This is where you would spend your entire summer! In the POOL!
 Went blackberry picking.
 Lost your first tooth.
 Enjoyed a Fourth Friday learning about wooden instruments.
 Stole butter from the fridge!
 Became a big cousin to Gwyn.
 Became a big sister again... to Joy Michelle
 Mary Poppins after shooting through the chimney. :)
 Made a huge snowball...
 That you threw at Aunt Amy. :)
 Enjoyed another big snow!

I love you Katie Jo!!!! Thank you for all your help everyday! You are a special little girl. I am blessed!