Walking With You~ Meeting Janie Beth and Our Time With Her

Week 3 on Walking With You
Sufficient Grace Ministries~ Walking With You
 This week, we will be sharing about the birth of our babies and the moments we spent with our children after they were born.

December 29, 2009
What a day it ended up being. I woke up feeling fine, but it wasn't long before the contractions started up again. They had started after my doctor's appointment the day before and hadn't really let up at all until I was asleep. I decided to do some cleaning. I remember cleaning the kitchen a bunch. LOL I was mega cleaning it, I guess. I am sure I cleaned other parts of the house, but I just do not remember. I am sure I washed clothes too since I usually wash on Monday and I went to the doctor. After cleaning all morning, I decided to shower and see if that helped stop the contractions or if they would keep going. I always took my time in the shower when pregnant with Janie Beth (some would say I still do LOL). I would sit on the seat, think, and try to feel her. I put on my black skirt with a red shirt that had black stripes.


The shower didn't stop the contractions. The contractions themselves weren't bothering me, but the pressure they brought was another story. I decided about 2:00-2:30 to call the doctor's office and see what they said. The nurse told me that Dr. F didn't think I would make it to the next week. (Thanks!) They told me to go the L&D and see what was happening and that Dr. N was on call that day. We called my mom to leave work and head to the house. We called my step-dad to come down to the house and be with the kids. I will never forget the excitement of the kids when we told them. It broke my heart! The picture of them waving to us out the door as we left will forever be engraved in my mind. It brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart because they wanted Janie Beth to have her miracle here on Earth just as we did. Josiah even commented one day that it would be really cool to see a miracle happen; to watch Janie Beth's chest pop out and be bigger were his words. Katie Jo mentioned to me while I was packing my bags just a couple days before how she thought Janie Beth would live. (She did live, just not for as long as we would have hoped. This is something I hadn't realized until just now. God did answer our prayers for her to live; He just planned her life to last only 22 hrs.)

As you can imagine, we had a lot of stuff! We had the bag with all the things in it to create lasting memories and the various things we may want to use. We also had the boppy to use to take pictures. I had a boom box and my pillows; I guess I am a pillow snob. :) We also had the laptop. We left the bag with our clothes and things in the car. We look as though we were moving in!

The waiting room was packed! We got there around 3 or 3:30. Joey and I stood by the receptionist and talked to her. She was a blessing! We waiting for 30 min or so.

We then went to LDR 6. We had 2 nurses. One had just moved over from OR. They were really sweet. We gave them our birth plan and explained what all was going on. They checked me and I was 6 cm and 80% effaced. I wasn't going anywhere. They called the doc. I do not remember time wise how the evening went. They gave me my epidural and my blood pressure plummeted! They squeezed the fluids into me, and they had already given me quite a bit before the epi since I had trouble with the last one I had. They gave me meds twice. It stayed low for quite some time. (I didn't feel normal until some time the next day.) It was a scary experience and I was ready for them to turn off the epi, but they wanted me to be able to enjoy the evening since we weren't sure what would happen.

There were many family and friends there in the waiting room. Some came back and visited before the issues with the epi. We were very blessed!

Dr. N came around 7:30 or so to break my water. It was like a dam had broken! I could see the water shoot up from my lounging position! With a child that has thanataphoric dwarfism, the mother has an excessive amount of fluid! The doc jumped back and went for the door saying we needed help. LOL Joey and the nurse both told me that it was nasty. They used blankets to wipe up the floor and then had to come in and mop. I do not think Dr. N will ever forget that! :)

They got the room all ready for delivery since my labors tend to be quite fast once you break my water. Around 9, I felt Janie Beth drop. It was a feeling I didn't have with the first 3. We got the nurse to come. I was ready and Janie Beth was right there. They called Dr N and the neonatal doctor (we love him!). Dr. D (the neonatal doc) was 10 min away. Are you kidding?? Even with the epi, it was hard to not push. I was holding the side bar and pulling up like that would help. LOL

Dr. D got there and I got to push. She was out in 1 contraction, at 9:20pm. No sound.... They brought her over to the baby bed to see how she was. Joey came over and told me that she was fighting and they wanted to take her to the NICU. A glimpse of hope. Joey went with her to the NICU. I am very thankful for the pictures Kelly took since I didn't get to follow.

A large group of folks came in the room once they went up to the NICU. I cannot tell you who all was there because I am sure that I do not remember everyone. The kids got big sibling pins and the grown-ups got pins too. We were all hoping for a miracle here on Earth.

I know Joey and Dr. D updated while still in L&D, but exactly what they said, I do not remember. The only update I remember is when Dr. D came to my recovery room and told us that he believed she did indeed have TD, but we would't know for sure until morning because there wasn't a pediatric radiologist there that night.

They wheeled me to Janie Beth's bed on my way to my room. Oh, how I wish I had stayed there a while. I want so much to be back there beside her bed feeling her and talking to her.

December 30, 2009
I remember going to the NICU as soon as it opened up at 8:00am after the shift change. Jennifer came with donuts. My next memory is Dr. D coming in and telling us that Janie Beth did indeed have TD. Then, came the decision that we would take her off of the ventilator later that day. The morning was full of visitors. Joey brought each one in to visit Janie Beth. I went and saw her a couple of times, and I sat in my room and talked with people. Most everyone stayed in the NICU waiting room because it was bigger. Starting at 3:00 I sat by Janie's bed until every person had come in and said their goodbyes.

When I got there, she opened her eyes and looked at me. :) She held my finger the entire time I sat there. God answered my prayers!! I wanted more than anything for her to squeeze my finger. Kelly told me that she opened her eyes more when I came in then she had the entire Kelly had been there. I had some time with her just Joey and I before the others came back.

The kids came in and we all sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. I sang as much as I could through my tears. Katie Jo is the one that started the song. She loves Janie Beth so much! It still breaks my heart to see the progression of pictures with Katie Jo because you can see her excitement that Janie Beth is there, and then the pure sadness when we tell her she will go to Heaven later that day. In the NICU and later in room 310, Josiah took each part of her in. It was like he was trying to engrave her in his mind, such care and love! Eli didn't want to have much to do with her at that time, but he definitely talks about her a lot now. :)

Many family and some friends came back to visit. Janie Beth touched so many lives in her short time here.

Once everyone had their turn, Joey and I sat there a bit longer.

I walked by myself back to the room while Joey stayed with Janie as she was un-hooked. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done, but he wanted to be there for her through it all. It is hard for me to see the pictures of her after being taken off when she is crying because I know that there was no sound even though she was trying so hard.

Joey wrapped her up and carried to room 310. Kelly even caught Janie Beth looking up at Joey as he walked through the hallway. It was the last time she opened her eyes. She was/is so proud of her Daddy!!!

Joey and I had some time just the 2 of us with her in the room for a while. She took some squeaky breathes for a few minutes. Her heart stayed beating until about 7pm and she was taken off the ventilator at 5:30.

The kids came in the room first and had some time with Janie Beth. Then, the others came in. We took pictures and everyone who wanted to go to hold her. We made imprints of her hands with each of the kids. It was a special time, a surreal time.

Everyone left, and Joey and I worked on molds. We had to get the NICU charge nurse to help us. She was amazing!!!! I remember being upset because she was getting hard and I was having trouble getting prints. We decided to take a break and get some sleep. It was a long day, but a blessed day. It went the way God had planned.

I wish I could put up every picture that was taken!! It is so hard to chose. There are pictures with each person that came to the NICU and to the room. Kelly will forever hold a special place in our hearts!!!!!

December 31, 2009
That morning Janie Beth's hands had loosened up. I thanked God so much because I was able to get her prints and trace her hands and feet. I think I almost cried! It was a special morning just Joey, Janie, and I. I gave Janie Beth a bath and then rubbed her with lotion. I used the lavendar scented wash and lotion from the NICU. She was dressed in the dress that Katie Jo picked out and wrapped in a pink blanket.

We had a wonderful nurse that day. She asked questions about Janie Beth and genuinely cared. I loved that she wanted to know! We even joked a little before we left.

The thought of calling the funeral home and having them come get Janie Beth wasn't sitting right with Joey and I. It was a call we just couldn't bring ourselves to make. Thankfully, someone told us that we could transport her ourselves because she was so small. There was peace in that decision.

While Joey loaded the car, I sat with Janie Beth and sang and talked to her. I cried more than I had the entire stay at the hospital. I wanted those moments to last forever; to soak her in completely.

I was allowed to carry her out to the car. I walked instead of riding in the wheel chair. The nurse did have us go down the staff elevator. I kind of felt for the food guys in there, but they already knew because they were the ones that brought me my food earlier. It felt good to be holding her and carrying her. We even freaked out a lady when I got in the car holding her in the front seat. :) The security guard had to tell her it was ok. That brought laughter to Joey and I.

I am thankful that we got to take her on her first car ride. We still got to do "firsts" with Janie Beth, just not in the normal way.

Then, we pulled into the parking lot of the funeral home. We drove around back. Joey came around the car to get Janie Beth. I hugged her so tight! I held on a bit longer. This was it; the last time I would hold my precious baby girl. As I watched them go inside I just cried. I held my pink lamb and cried. Joey carried her in and laid her on the gurney himself. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done; that and being with her when she was disconnected. He came back to the car and we cried together.

We both had on shirts that we had put Janie Beth's footprints on. We went to Arby's to grab a bite before going to pick up the other kids. I wondered if anyone wondered. Here we were with shirts that had footprints and no baby. I am not sure if we talked much while we ate or not.

Even though the day was really hard, it was filled with peace. The peace that only God can provide. He was in control. We let Him guide our steps, and He blessed our time with her! I am so thankful!!!

Walking With You~ Week 2

This is week 2 on Walking With You.
If you are a mother who has heard the words incompatible with life, what happened next for you? Share about the waiting if your journey continued. How did you walk that path? What were some of your feelings? What did you do to form lasting memories? What were your struggles? Things you found comfort in?

After learning that Janie Beth would likely not live after birth, I just tried to breathe and make it through each moment. I sang "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" quite often because that is exactly what I was doing, and that is why I named my blog Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. Many times it felt like I was watching someone else walk in my shoes. We fell completely out of our routine in school. We maybe did a day or two after getting her diagnosis. (But, Josiah still learned an awful lot for not doing anything!) We didn't do chores like we normally did either. I was doing the bare necesseties while I tried to figure out how to walk this path.

I did a ton of reading online! I found many blogs and read and read and read. I found organizations, Sufficient Grace Ministries and String of Pearls, that helped women who were carrying to term. Thankfully, we were never faced with the question of whether to terminate the pregnancy because I was already 28.5 weeks. I read in my Bible. I had a couple devotion books I read. I taped Bible verses around the house. I pulled out a little notebook I have that has verses written in it that I read during the really hard moments.

My favorite part of each day was while the kids were napping/resting. I would loung on the couch with my computer and just feel Janie Beth. It was hard to feel her because of all the fluid, but she usually moved during that time. I will forever cherish those times! She moved the most in church. :) The only time that I was really able to see my belly move around was the Sunday before she was born. I even told Josiah to watch. Joey was working so he wasn't there. It was priceless! Church helped me a whole lot! The songs touched my heart. (There are still songs that make my heart skip a beat when the first few chords are played!)

I started my blog to keep people updated on everything that was going on and to have a place to write the many thoughts and emotions that were constantly running through my head!

I tried my best to cherish every moment and every day. We bought a journal that we engraved her name on that I wrote in every night. I told her what we had done that day and I often times wrote about things God was teaching me and Bible verses. (Just a side note, I can’t find this journal since we moved, so prayers that it is found would be appreciated!) I felt a connection to Janie Beth during this time in the evening. I didn’t speak out loud much, but I felt as though she could tell what I was thinking, crazy as that sounds.

We went to Build a Bear and let each of the kids make a Janie Beth bear. It was a way to give them something to hold onto when they were sad or to talk to when they wanted to talk to her. It was one of the best things we did!!!! Those animals are very well loved!

We took pictures with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Our photographer was amazing!!! I am so thankful for those tangible memories!

We made each special event Janie Beth's. It was her Thanksgiving, her AL v. AU game (a big deal for college football in AL), her first snow. We even went to a movie. I prayed daily that she would still be with us for Christmas. I still remember that Thanksgiving. We went to the normal family gathering, but I felt so alone. It was so hard. Josiah's Janie bear watched the football with me. Janie Beth got hit by a snowball. We were blessed to have her for Christmas too. We bought an ornament with a dad and pregnant mom and wrote her name on the belly. I found a pink lamb that became my Janie Beth lovey.
Watching the game...

 You can see the snowball mark on my jacket. :)

We were blessed by so many!!! God wrapped us in His arms, and also in the arms of His children. Those were the hardest 6 wks!!! Every single thing was bittersweet. I felt stuck. Grief had already begun, yet I was trying to enjoy. It was a constant see-saw of emotion. I prayed daily, and often times multiple times a day, that God would write my faith! I told God exactly what I felt about the situation. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for guidance and peace. I prayed for comfort. I cried. We bought her a dress and should have bought stock in Hobby Lobby because we got so many memory makers.

I did have a turning point in my journey when I was having pity party and God met me there. I was crying out to Him and I told Him that I didn't want to walk this road! He asked me, "Why don't you want to walk this road? You have no idea where it leads." (original post) WOW!!!! He was right! I had no idea where this road was going to lead. Little did I know how many prayers Janie Beth would answer or how many lives she would touch.

God always met me right where I was and always knew just what to say. :) He is awesome like that. As I re-read my blog posts from those 6 weeks I am amazed at what all God showed me. I am amazed that I even walked that road. I truly learned what God meant when He said that where you are weak, I am strong. I was carried through those weeks!!! I was groping to find my way. I was doing all I could to breathe. Do I have regrets? Of course, but I try hard to be thankful for the things that I did do!

What a journey those 6 weeks were! They were only the beginning of a very long road.

25 Weeks Preggo

I am now a little over 25 weeks. WOW!!! Time has flown, which it tends to do even more as I grow up. :)

If you have been around a while, then you know that my last 3 pregnancies have not been without issue, and I was really praying that this one would go smoothly with no issues. But, that is not the case. :) God tends to have to put me on my behind to teach me! I want to wholeheartedly seek Him this year, so He is giving me ample opportunity to start the year on the right foot. :)

I started contracting more around 21 weeks or so, but that is my normal time for the braxton hicks to pick up, so I really wasn't worried about it. But, then at 23 weeks I started having pressure. AH! I thought that maybe I had been on my feet too much, so I decided to see how I felt after a good night's sleep. The next morning was also Janie Beth's birthday. Not a day I particularly wanted to go to the doctor! The morning started out feeling ok, but as it went on the pressure built up. We were going to lunch for Janie's birthday and then to the cemetary so I called my doc on the way into town. They wanted me to come right in since we were so close since I was feeling as tho he was going to fall out! To say I was nervous is an understatement!!!

Of course, my doc was at the hospital delivering so I saw the nurse practitioner. My cervix is short, but that is to be expected when you are expecting your 6th child. It is essentially closed, but she wrote me as 1 cm dilated. (I was 1 cm at this point with Joy also.) He is sitting low tho, so figured that was the cause of the pressure.

I was put on modified bedrest and given some bp meds to take to keep the contrax away, and told to keep my appt for the next week.

So, that brings us to today. I spend most of my time sitting around. My crockpot is getting a work out. I try my best to not have to take the meds because they make my bp really low since it already runs low. I have lavendar essential oil that keeps my contrax at bay if they start up. The pressure is actually caused by pelvic congestion. :( I have issues with it at other times too, but this is the first time with pregnancy. It seems to be getting a little worse with each of the last few pregnancies. I have been doing quite a bit of googling if you couldn't tell. LOL

This sitting around has given me the opportunity to seek God and His will for our lives. I am researching Real Food and Essential Oils right now, as well as vaccines. :) Very interesting stuff!

I have also been wrestling with fear this pregnancy. There are several outside factors that are present with Timothy's pregnancy that were present with Janie Beth's. I won't go into all the details but God and I are wholeheartedly conquering this fear. :) I am excited!!!

Timothy seem to be growing just fine! I have gained 10 lbs, and my uterus was measuring 25-26wks at 24 wks. I got back at 28 wks for my glucose test and I will see the doctor at that visit. After that I will be going every other week!!! That is crazy! I can't believe I am already at that point!

Timothy's bassinet is up in our room (mainly b/c it is easier to store it there LOL), and he has a few onesies and bibs in my drawer. He was also the recipient of some adorable cloth diapers from my sister for Christmas!!! I also bought him a cute little lovie and he has a very special blanket from his big sister Janie Beth! One of the blankets in her NICU crib is cream with 2 little animals and I decided while I was pregnant with Joy that if she was a boy this blanket would be Janie's contribution, so it is Timothy's first official blanket. :)

Timothy is also referred to as T.J. quite often around here. Unless you are Eli :) because he can't seem to remember either one and has to ask, "what is the baby's name in your belly I can't remember"? :) Eli got to feel Timothy the other day and he often tries to feel him. It is really sweet. All 3 of the big kids are very excited for Timothy's arrival!! Joy pats on my belly because the others do and laughs. LOL I am trying to tell her Timothy is in there, the baby. We shall see.

Timothy is already very much loved!!! I love to feel him move around! I would just sit there and feel all day if I could. :) Altho it gets a bit uncomfortable when he decides to try coming out my belly button. :P

I managed to get a belly picture the other day when a friend came to visit with her camera!!! My camera was dropped by a precious child of mine and will not work anymore. :(

So.... here I am, and I will add a pic of the bassinet. We buy ribbons for each of the kids at the hospital that have bears and rattles on them, and I pulled the bears and rattles off and put them on a shelf above the bassinet. Janie's bow didn't have a bear because Joey couldn't remember if we got the ones with bears or not, so hers is a white lamb that I had. The back of each animal has the part of the ribbon that has their names and stats glued to it. Janie Beth's blanket and other white lamb also hang over the bassinet just a it did Joy's. :) The animals on the shelf are in age order. :)

Puzzles

We love puzzles around here! We have been able to pull out our big 1000 piece puzzles since we moved because we have a place to leave them set up. It has been fun to work on them again. The last time Joey and I did them was in our first year and a half of marriage! :O The kids have also been working on their own puzzles.

Josiah has proven himself to be quite the puzzle genius!

Katie Jo does fairly well, but she doesn't last long. :) This is her newest puzzle.

Eli brings in smaller puzzles to work on at the same table because he makes pieces fit. LOL  This is his newest puzzle that he worked on with Dad. :)

When we started doing the puzzles, we knew there was one with a piece a missing. I was pretty sure I remembered which one, so we started with the other one. Then, we moved on to the one with the missing piece. Joey said we would throw it away once we were done. Then, we finished; and I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. The missing piece...

It is so much like our lives! We have a missing piece.

The puzzle looks perfect and then you notice the missing piece.

The missing piece is physically absent (sometimes barely noticable), but the colors that are within the missing piece still run throughout the puzzle! The puzzle needs every piece to look whole, but you can almost picture it there because the colors run thru the rest of the puzzle.

Janie Beth is our missing puzzle piece. (Represented by her pink lamb. :))

She isn't physically here, but her presence it still here.

Her colors run through the rest of our puzzle because without her our lives wouldn't be the same! Her colors are present in the rest of our lives!



Wholeheartedly Conquer

A Tall Order!
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it hsall be that those whom you let remain shall be irritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell. Numbers 33:55

As we are entering our Promised Land and fighting the battles to conquer it, we must drive out the inhabitants completely! There will be no short-changing God's orders! If we don't go at this wholeheartedly, then it will come back to bite us in the bootie later. OUCH! I would rather not have to deal with that.

As God calls us to change things, we must change them wholeheartedly. With our whole hearts we have sought You; Oh, let us not wander from Your commandments! (Ps 119:10) I cannot bargain with God. I must do exactly as He says.

Part of this conquering is being pruned!
"and every branch that bears fruit He pruned that it may bear more fruit."(John 15:2b)
Pruning hurts and if we don't completely (wholeheartedly) pull those bad parts off then they will come back and attack us later! God is pruning me through this pregnancy. I really can't tell you much about my pregnancy with Joy Schelle because I went through it in a daze, but I am much more aware this time! The main thing that God is pruning is fear!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

I have built my walls back up :(. I have not allowed myself to love my husband and children, and even God and Jesus. This time I am going to conquer these walls completely! I am asking God to perfect His love in me! I am wholeheartedly letting go. I want to cherish each and every moment. I do not want to fear losing someone, so then I pull back so that it won't hurt too much when I do lose them. I don't want to be hurt. But, in pulling back, I am missing out! I am tired of missing out! I have had periods of time where I cherish and periods of time where I miss out, and I am tired of it! Therefore, I am setting out into this battle to conquer fear completely and drive it out of my Promised Land and family. I do not want this to be an inheretance that I leave my children!

"For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him." (Matt. 13:12)

What am I doing with what God has given me!?! Lately I have been pushing it all away; just going through the motions. I want the abundance that God has waiting for me! I want to be faithful with what I am given. The pruning brings abundance!

I do not want to be like the Israelites!!
"and they brought back word to us, saying, 'It is a good land which the Lord our God is giving us.' Nevertheless you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the Lord your God;" (Duet. 1:25b-26)

Nevertheless!?! They knew the land was good, nevertheless they wouldn't go!! What!?! How many times does God show me a better way but I'm not willing to go because it looks too difficult to conquer!?! I have been telling God that it looks great to live a life without fear, but it will be too difficult to really conquer it. I just push it down until it comes back up. How silly does it sound to fear conquering fear!?! Seriously? But, in essence that is what I have been doing.

But, look at this amazing promise!!!

Then [Moses] said to you, 'Do not be terrified, or afraid fo them. The Lord your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes. (Deut. 1:29-30)

God goes before me! He fights for me! The sad thing is, that even after the Israelites were reminded of all that God had done for them, they still weren't willing to go and wouldn't believe. I have been just like the Israelites! Ouch!!

In my quest to wholeheartedly love God, Jesus, and my family, I am going to wholeheartedly conquer fear through the perfect love of God! :)

Thank You, Abba, for Your longsuffering! Thank You for Your mercy and grace! Forgive me for running away for so long, even when You had proven Yourself in other things. I am still a little scared to let go because it opens me up, but it will also free me. May You continue to go before me and fight for me! Thank You for taking the time to go with me into battle, for I know that without You I can do nothing!!! Cleanse my heart and make me a new creation of love. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The First Steps~ May You Be Glorified

http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/

Sufficient Grace Ministries has a section called Walking With You. It is for bereaved mothers to support each other. For the next 10 wks every Monday there will be a new topic to blog about in the babyloss journey. I feel that God is calling me to participate this time, and I pray that it will draw me closer to Him and encourage someone else.

Walking With You wk 1 ~ The First Steps
As I look back 2 years later November 19, 2009 is still so clear in my mind. Typing the date and seeing the date still make my heart jump. The cry in my heart that day was "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I pray that You be glorified." That is still the cry of my heart today as I continue Janie Beth's journey. The first steps were so scary and so alone feeling. I clung to God as I have never clung to Him before!

It all really started on November 16, 2009 and to read that you can go here.

Here is what I wrote about November 19, 2009, Our trip to UAB:

November 19, 2009 I went to UAB to see a specialist about Janie Beth's legs. That was one of the hardest days I have ever lived through. I think I remember things about that day better than my memories from Janie's day here with us.

I had Joey snap this picture before we left. I was 28.5 wks.

I do not remember a thing about the drive down there, but I am sure that we talked... a lot. :) Once we got to B'ham, we were early so we went to a thrift store. I remember looking around the store, but not really finding anything of note. I think we bought a couple little things; books if I am not mistaken.

Then, we went to the doctor's office. The waiting room had quite a few ladies in it, plus the people that came with them. I sat there and wondered why they were there. I had brought some things to read, but I never really read. I think I may have had a book out at one point, but it didn't really accomplish much. Joey had a cough, but he wasn't contagious. He actually went into the stairwell at one point to cough. We joked that everyone probably thought he was infecting them. (He really sounded bad!)

After waiting for quite some time, we were called back to an ultrasound room. The tech said that she was helping out the people we were going to see, and would take most of the measurements and then they would do an u/s as well. She was really nice!! She printed tons of pictures for us. (Once again, I wish I had a video tape!) She told us that Janie Beth was definitely a dwarf. She said her profile matched perfectly. She told us that the main concern would be if her chest cavity was big enough to allow her lungs to grow.

Janie Beth was so darn cute!!! One of my main prayers since our last ultrasound was that she be in the perfect position for them to get measurements. God answered the many prayers that were sent up. She behaved wonderfully for this ultrasound technician. When she was done with all of her measurements she brought us to a room to wait for the doctor to be ready.

They stuck us in a room. I remember that we sat in some chairs and there were a lot of boxes in there. We didn't talk much as we waited. My heart was already hurting.

Then the doctor came and got us. There was a doctor, a resident, and a student, plus the u/s tech came in too. The resident did the ultrasound. I do not remember much talking; maybe some between the doctor and resident, but that was about it. The ultrasound tech pulled a book out and looked up what percentile Janie Beth was in for the size of her chest cavity. Two and a half percent! I will remember that forever. Janie Beth wasn't behaving as well for these docs, and the resident had trouble getting a couple measurements so the doctor took over.

When they were done, the doctor talked to us. I do not remember exactly what he said, but I know he started with telling us the names of 2 different types of dwarfism and that Janie Beth had one of them. I know that he told us she would not live, but how he phrased it I do not know. He did say at one point that she could surprise us. (In our language, that is God might do a miracle. :) ) I had tears streaming down my face, but I didn't lose it completely. The ultrasound tech was crying, as were the resident and student (all of which were female). He asked us if we had any questions. Are you serious!?! You just told me my daughter is going to die and you expect me to know what questions to ask! Of course, we didn't have any at that point. The resident was kind enough to get me the kleenex.

We left that little room forever changed. I handed over my paperwork to the check out lady with a red face and tear stained cheeks. She didn't ask. As we were walking out, I told Joey I needed to go to the bathroom before we left. It was in that one person bathroom that I looked in the mirror and said those words. I gave it all to God in that moment. He was in control.

What do you say when you get in the car after you are told your daughter is not going to live? I don't remember. I do remember that we went to McDonald's drive-thru. I remember thinking about calling people and having to tell the kids. It was a long, sad drive home. Very quickly many were praying on our behalf! A sweet lady even called me as we were driving and told me not to give up hope.

The kids stayed at my mom's with Poppa that day. My parents knew, but we were going to tell the kids when we got home. The doctor had given us a picture of her chest and belly, and Joey used that to explain to the kids that her chest wasn't big enough for her lungs to grow and be able to breathe. Katie Jo cried; a very hard moment. We told them we would be praying for a miracle, but that it was ok if Janie Beth went to Heaven. We know God loves us and He is going to do what is best for us and Janie Beth. And so began The Journey of the Karr's, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.

God is still doing what is best for us, even when it doesn't feel like it. There is always someone missing. She is the missing puzzle piece, but the colors from her piece of the puzzle are woven into every other piece!!