November 16, 2009

Here I sit one year later. Up until this day last year I really thought everything would be ok with Janie Beth, she was just going to possibly have dwarfism. On November 16, 2009, I went to my regular OB. We had an appointment with a specialist on the 19th, but had already scheduled to have another ultrasound with my regular OB the 16th before the other appointment was scheduled. I really didn't think we would get the ultrasound since we were going to UAB on Thursday, but to our surprise we got one. (I so wish we had it recorded!!!) We were checking to see if her legs had grown or gotten further behind.

Back up a minute... At my last appointment before this, I had asked the NP if we could have another u/s to see how her growth was, and then if the legs had not grown or gotten further behind then I wanted to see a specialist. Well, my OB called me and said that it would be better to go ahead and set up the appointment because they can take a while to get you in.

So, the ultrasound. Her legs measured at exactly the same as they had 6 weeks before. I am not sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't really it. After that u/s my sinking feeling was much stronger, although I never would have guessed the news we would find out Nov. 19.

I never really considered what the month of November would feel like for me. I knew her birthday would be hard, but I hadn't thought about the weeks leading up to it that were all about her. I hadn't left room to think about what I would have done differently. It slapped me in the face! Here I am one year later at the beginning of this journey that I had no idea where it would be taking me.

I am so thankful for the steps God has helped me take!! There are still so many more to take! My pain is deeper than I let myself think. I am once again praying for God to go deeper than my pain because He is the only one who can.

He brought me to Lamentations 3 just the other day. Those verses were a rock for me, and I believe He was reminding me to not forget them now! Then, on Sunday we sang Leaning on the Everlasting Arms! Ok, God, I get it! I need to lean on You again. It was hard to sing that song. It brought me back to our old church, to Janie Beth.

We are entering a hard 6 weeks. There are so many anniversaries in these coming weeks, so many things to remind me of Janie Beth. I still miss her so much!!!! I wonder what she would look like, and what her personality would be. I try hard to remember what it felt like to hold her, but her feel is almost gone because time keeps going.

I am so thankful to be able to hold Joy Michelle during these weeks. All I really want to do is sit and hold her. I want to drink her in. I finally cleaned the crib out of all the clothes Sunday night and put her in it for the first time. I was flooded with multiple emotions. I look at Joy and I am overwhelmed with the grace of God. I think it is finally sinking in a bit that she is mine. I am letting myself love her more. I didn't even realize I wasn't letting myself until reading another bloggers post. After reading her post, I went to town getting her clothes organized and her crib ready for her. I talk to her more. I just love her.

What a journey! Thank You Abba for walking with me and carrying me! Thank You for writing my faith and being strong where I am weak! Thank You for allowing me to Lean on Your Everlasting Arms!!! I love You! May You be glorified through my journey of living after Janie Beth. Please give her a special hug for me! Tell her I love her. Please heal my heart, Lord. I need You.