Walking With You~ Naming My Children

All of our children have at least one "J" name and a Bible name, as well as a family name. As crazy as it sounds, Janie Beth, doesn't actually fit every requirement. Her name was originally going to be Janie Elizabeth, and we would call her Janie Beth. Janie, of course, is her "J" name. Elizabeth was the Bible name, and was Joey's grandmother's name. After finding out that she wouldn't live after birth, we decided to make her name Janie Beth since that is what we had been calling her. We figured that she had quite a story already, and I didn't want to have to say her name is Janie Elizabeth, but we call her Janie Beth when she wasn't going to be here. 

Janie means God is gracious. I LOVE this!!! I really thought it was neat when we were coming up with her name because Katie Jo's middle name, JoAnn, also means God is gracious. :) I was reserved about using Janie because that was the name we had been throwing around for my second miscarriage and that is how I referred to that baby. (I have to say that looking back there were many ways God prepared me and warned my spirit that Janie wasn't going to stay this side of heaven. This is one of those ways.)

Beth means consecrated to God. How precious is that!?! :)

I will admit that the requirements for names has changed as we have gone along. I am a lot more picky now than I was with the first few. I look at the name meanings before deciding if it has a chance. LOL I am also more picky about which family names I will use. I want to use names of people that I want my children to look up to and aspire to be like.

Josiah Mark
Josiah is the Bible and "J" name. Mark is Joey's middle name.
Josiah: fire of the Lord (I pray that he will be on fire for the Lord!)
Mark: warlike (hmmmm... LOL)

Kathryn JoAnn "Katie Jo"
She is named after both of her grandmothers. Joan, pronounced JoAnn, was Joey's mother's name, but she went by "Jo". My mom's name is Kathryn, but she goes by "Kathy". JoAnna is in the Bible. Katie Jo technically doesn't fit all our current criteria either since neither of her names is really in the Bible.
Kathryn: Beloved (How sweet!)
JoAnn: God is gracious

Elisha James "Eli"
I actually took a little time to say ok to Elisha. LOL I prefered Elijah, but Joey likes the prophet Elisha and thinks he is pretty cool. I finally said ok, if we call him Eli. :) James is Joey's dad's name and both of his grandfather's names.
Elisha: God is my salvation (Amen!)
James: one who supplants/ to replace (After reading Kelly's post I find this meaning neat. Eli came after 2 miscarriages.)

Joy Michelle "Joy Schelle"
Joy was named Joy because she would bring Joy to our family after losing Janie Beth. Michelle is obviously my name. LOL It took me a while to warm up to Joey's suggestion that she have my name as her middle name. She has indeed brought Joy to her mommy, Michelle. :)
Joy: joy :)
Michelle: who is like the Lord (I need to begin praying this over her!)

Timothy Joseph "TJ" or Timothy
Joseph is Joey's name. We just like Timothy! He was an amazing man in the Bible! I can only pray that our Timothy with have a love for the Lord like the Timothy in the Bible!
Timothy: honoring God
Joseph: God shall add (another son) (I find this pretty cool!!! God definitely added Timothy. :))

It is funny how all the boys have ended up having both names be Biblical. This was not at all done on purpose! It just so happened that their family names were Biblical. If God decides to give us another baby, and the baby is a girl, then her family name will either be Jane or Beth after her big sister. :) That was also the plan this time, but I don't think Timothy would appreciate having either of those names. ;)

This has been a neat post for me to write! In looking up the meanings of their names, God has shown me ways that I can be praying for each of my children.

Walking With You~ Saying Goodbye

This week are talking about the funeral planning and saying our final good-byes to our dear little ones.

We really didn't do much planning for Janie Beth's Celebration of Life before her birth. We went to the doctor the day before Jaie Beth was born and found out that I was 4 cm already and very soft. Upon finding that out, Joey went to the funeral home that afternoon. He picked out the casket and talked to the funeral director, who was amazing and a true God send! I believe he may have gone by the cemetary too, but there wasn't anything to do there at that time.

Since Janie Beth passed so close to the holidays there were some people that would have been out of town had we done her Celebration the weekend following her death, so we decided to wait a week and have it on Sunday afternoon, January 10, 2010.

The week after going home and before the Celebration, we planned what we wanted done. We went to the cemetary and picked out her spot and the tombstone we wanted and what we wanted on the stone. We were blessed to have a dear lady from church work at the cemetary. She sees it as a ministry and was very sweet. (I will interject here that she called a few weeks before from the cemetary and I was in the shower. It completely freaked me out to see the Cemetary show up on my caller id! Turns out she was calling b/c her Sunday School class had something for us. :))

We had visitation the night before her Celebration. It was a blessed time to share Janie Beth with those that didn't see her at the hospital. We found small animals that we the same as the kids big Janie animals. They put one in the casket with her and they each kept one. Katie Jo also picked out a baby doll to go in with Janie and we named her Katie Jo. :) She also has a lamb identical to the one I have, and Josiah drew her a sweet picture. We also placed pictures in her casket with her. She wore a dress just like the one she wore in the hospital, but I had to buy a new one and another blanket because I wanted to keep everything she wore or was wrapped up in at the hospital. She looked beautiful!!! My box from Sufficient Grace Ministries didn't get to me until after her birth, so I had a picture taken of my hand wearing my bracelet on her with her bracelet laying on her.

 The kids putting their things in with Janie.

 Our bracelets

 Proud Daddy!

We had her slideshow on a TV in the corner for all to see.

 How she looked before we left. :) She is well loved!!!

I had a little bit of trouble leaving her, but not much because you could tell she wasn't really there. It was just her beautiful little body. Of course I cried as we left but only because I knew I wouldn't see her again. Katie Jo cried as well. I also was sad to leave her in the building, but she was in good hands.

We had our NILMDTS photographer come and photograph the visitation as well as the Celebration and graveside. I am very thankful to have those pictures!!!

The next afternoon was her Celebration of Life. I opened up with a duet with the trumpet and piano of "My Tribute". We had congregational singing as well of some hymns that meant a lot to us; "Because He Lives", "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms", and I think there was one more that isn't coming to my mind. We had Joey's sister play the harp. She played "Jesus Loves Me" and her daughter sang. Joey got up and spoke. It was really good!! The only disappointing part was the sermon by the minister, but thats ok! Overall the service was wonderful. We also played the slideshow of Janie Beth's NILMDTS pictures. I was very proud to see my precious baby girl on the screen!

Joey carried her casket anywhere it went, even from the hearse into the church before the service.

We then went to the graveside after her Celebration. It was a beautiful day! It was cold, but the sun was shining.

We still visit Janie Beth. I love to decorate her area!!!! It is how I can take  care of her. :) I spend forever in Hobby Lobby picking out just the right things! I am very thankful to have a place to go that is hers. God has met me multiple times there!!!

In the Snow on her first Christmas.

This was last spring/summer.

This past fall.

 This past Christmas

Her 1st Birthday.

Her 2nd Birthday.

We also release balloons at her grave on her birthday. Just a few days after she passed some friends brought us 22 pink balloons for the 22 hours that she lived. We released those, and her 1st birthday we released 22 pink 1st birthday balloons. This year we released Red Robin balloons because that is where we usually go eat on birthdays, so we went for her birthday and each of the kiddos got a balloon and released them. A couple days later we released her Happy Birthday Princess balloon.

Walking With You~ Meeting Janie Beth and Our Time With Her

Week 3 on Walking With You
Sufficient Grace Ministries~ Walking With You
 This week, we will be sharing about the birth of our babies and the moments we spent with our children after they were born.

December 29, 2009
What a day it ended up being. I woke up feeling fine, but it wasn't long before the contractions started up again. They had started after my doctor's appointment the day before and hadn't really let up at all until I was asleep. I decided to do some cleaning. I remember cleaning the kitchen a bunch. LOL I was mega cleaning it, I guess. I am sure I cleaned other parts of the house, but I just do not remember. I am sure I washed clothes too since I usually wash on Monday and I went to the doctor. After cleaning all morning, I decided to shower and see if that helped stop the contractions or if they would keep going. I always took my time in the shower when pregnant with Janie Beth (some would say I still do LOL). I would sit on the seat, think, and try to feel her. I put on my black skirt with a red shirt that had black stripes.


The shower didn't stop the contractions. The contractions themselves weren't bothering me, but the pressure they brought was another story. I decided about 2:00-2:30 to call the doctor's office and see what they said. The nurse told me that Dr. F didn't think I would make it to the next week. (Thanks!) They told me to go the L&D and see what was happening and that Dr. N was on call that day. We called my mom to leave work and head to the house. We called my step-dad to come down to the house and be with the kids. I will never forget the excitement of the kids when we told them. It broke my heart! The picture of them waving to us out the door as we left will forever be engraved in my mind. It brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart because they wanted Janie Beth to have her miracle here on Earth just as we did. Josiah even commented one day that it would be really cool to see a miracle happen; to watch Janie Beth's chest pop out and be bigger were his words. Katie Jo mentioned to me while I was packing my bags just a couple days before how she thought Janie Beth would live. (She did live, just not for as long as we would have hoped. This is something I hadn't realized until just now. God did answer our prayers for her to live; He just planned her life to last only 22 hrs.)

As you can imagine, we had a lot of stuff! We had the bag with all the things in it to create lasting memories and the various things we may want to use. We also had the boppy to use to take pictures. I had a boom box and my pillows; I guess I am a pillow snob. :) We also had the laptop. We left the bag with our clothes and things in the car. We look as though we were moving in!

The waiting room was packed! We got there around 3 or 3:30. Joey and I stood by the receptionist and talked to her. She was a blessing! We waiting for 30 min or so.

We then went to LDR 6. We had 2 nurses. One had just moved over from OR. They were really sweet. We gave them our birth plan and explained what all was going on. They checked me and I was 6 cm and 80% effaced. I wasn't going anywhere. They called the doc. I do not remember time wise how the evening went. They gave me my epidural and my blood pressure plummeted! They squeezed the fluids into me, and they had already given me quite a bit before the epi since I had trouble with the last one I had. They gave me meds twice. It stayed low for quite some time. (I didn't feel normal until some time the next day.) It was a scary experience and I was ready for them to turn off the epi, but they wanted me to be able to enjoy the evening since we weren't sure what would happen.

There were many family and friends there in the waiting room. Some came back and visited before the issues with the epi. We were very blessed!

Dr. N came around 7:30 or so to break my water. It was like a dam had broken! I could see the water shoot up from my lounging position! With a child that has thanataphoric dwarfism, the mother has an excessive amount of fluid! The doc jumped back and went for the door saying we needed help. LOL Joey and the nurse both told me that it was nasty. They used blankets to wipe up the floor and then had to come in and mop. I do not think Dr. N will ever forget that! :)

They got the room all ready for delivery since my labors tend to be quite fast once you break my water. Around 9, I felt Janie Beth drop. It was a feeling I didn't have with the first 3. We got the nurse to come. I was ready and Janie Beth was right there. They called Dr N and the neonatal doctor (we love him!). Dr. D (the neonatal doc) was 10 min away. Are you kidding?? Even with the epi, it was hard to not push. I was holding the side bar and pulling up like that would help. LOL

Dr. D got there and I got to push. She was out in 1 contraction, at 9:20pm. No sound.... They brought her over to the baby bed to see how she was. Joey came over and told me that she was fighting and they wanted to take her to the NICU. A glimpse of hope. Joey went with her to the NICU. I am very thankful for the pictures Kelly took since I didn't get to follow.

A large group of folks came in the room once they went up to the NICU. I cannot tell you who all was there because I am sure that I do not remember everyone. The kids got big sibling pins and the grown-ups got pins too. We were all hoping for a miracle here on Earth.

I know Joey and Dr. D updated while still in L&D, but exactly what they said, I do not remember. The only update I remember is when Dr. D came to my recovery room and told us that he believed she did indeed have TD, but we would't know for sure until morning because there wasn't a pediatric radiologist there that night.

They wheeled me to Janie Beth's bed on my way to my room. Oh, how I wish I had stayed there a while. I want so much to be back there beside her bed feeling her and talking to her.

December 30, 2009
I remember going to the NICU as soon as it opened up at 8:00am after the shift change. Jennifer came with donuts. My next memory is Dr. D coming in and telling us that Janie Beth did indeed have TD. Then, came the decision that we would take her off of the ventilator later that day. The morning was full of visitors. Joey brought each one in to visit Janie Beth. I went and saw her a couple of times, and I sat in my room and talked with people. Most everyone stayed in the NICU waiting room because it was bigger. Starting at 3:00 I sat by Janie's bed until every person had come in and said their goodbyes.

When I got there, she opened her eyes and looked at me. :) She held my finger the entire time I sat there. God answered my prayers!! I wanted more than anything for her to squeeze my finger. Kelly told me that she opened her eyes more when I came in then she had the entire Kelly had been there. I had some time with her just Joey and I before the others came back.

The kids came in and we all sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. I sang as much as I could through my tears. Katie Jo is the one that started the song. She loves Janie Beth so much! It still breaks my heart to see the progression of pictures with Katie Jo because you can see her excitement that Janie Beth is there, and then the pure sadness when we tell her she will go to Heaven later that day. In the NICU and later in room 310, Josiah took each part of her in. It was like he was trying to engrave her in his mind, such care and love! Eli didn't want to have much to do with her at that time, but he definitely talks about her a lot now. :)

Many family and some friends came back to visit. Janie Beth touched so many lives in her short time here.

Once everyone had their turn, Joey and I sat there a bit longer.

I walked by myself back to the room while Joey stayed with Janie as she was un-hooked. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done, but he wanted to be there for her through it all. It is hard for me to see the pictures of her after being taken off when she is crying because I know that there was no sound even though she was trying so hard.

Joey wrapped her up and carried to room 310. Kelly even caught Janie Beth looking up at Joey as he walked through the hallway. It was the last time she opened her eyes. She was/is so proud of her Daddy!!!

Joey and I had some time just the 2 of us with her in the room for a while. She took some squeaky breathes for a few minutes. Her heart stayed beating until about 7pm and she was taken off the ventilator at 5:30.

The kids came in the room first and had some time with Janie Beth. Then, the others came in. We took pictures and everyone who wanted to go to hold her. We made imprints of her hands with each of the kids. It was a special time, a surreal time.

Everyone left, and Joey and I worked on molds. We had to get the NICU charge nurse to help us. She was amazing!!!! I remember being upset because she was getting hard and I was having trouble getting prints. We decided to take a break and get some sleep. It was a long day, but a blessed day. It went the way God had planned.

I wish I could put up every picture that was taken!! It is so hard to chose. There are pictures with each person that came to the NICU and to the room. Kelly will forever hold a special place in our hearts!!!!!

December 31, 2009
That morning Janie Beth's hands had loosened up. I thanked God so much because I was able to get her prints and trace her hands and feet. I think I almost cried! It was a special morning just Joey, Janie, and I. I gave Janie Beth a bath and then rubbed her with lotion. I used the lavendar scented wash and lotion from the NICU. She was dressed in the dress that Katie Jo picked out and wrapped in a pink blanket.

We had a wonderful nurse that day. She asked questions about Janie Beth and genuinely cared. I loved that she wanted to know! We even joked a little before we left.

The thought of calling the funeral home and having them come get Janie Beth wasn't sitting right with Joey and I. It was a call we just couldn't bring ourselves to make. Thankfully, someone told us that we could transport her ourselves because she was so small. There was peace in that decision.

While Joey loaded the car, I sat with Janie Beth and sang and talked to her. I cried more than I had the entire stay at the hospital. I wanted those moments to last forever; to soak her in completely.

I was allowed to carry her out to the car. I walked instead of riding in the wheel chair. The nurse did have us go down the staff elevator. I kind of felt for the food guys in there, but they already knew because they were the ones that brought me my food earlier. It felt good to be holding her and carrying her. We even freaked out a lady when I got in the car holding her in the front seat. :) The security guard had to tell her it was ok. That brought laughter to Joey and I.

I am thankful that we got to take her on her first car ride. We still got to do "firsts" with Janie Beth, just not in the normal way.

Then, we pulled into the parking lot of the funeral home. We drove around back. Joey came around the car to get Janie Beth. I hugged her so tight! I held on a bit longer. This was it; the last time I would hold my precious baby girl. As I watched them go inside I just cried. I held my pink lamb and cried. Joey carried her in and laid her on the gurney himself. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done; that and being with her when she was disconnected. He came back to the car and we cried together.

We both had on shirts that we had put Janie Beth's footprints on. We went to Arby's to grab a bite before going to pick up the other kids. I wondered if anyone wondered. Here we were with shirts that had footprints and no baby. I am not sure if we talked much while we ate or not.

Even though the day was really hard, it was filled with peace. The peace that only God can provide. He was in control. We let Him guide our steps, and He blessed our time with her! I am so thankful!!!