I just went back and read through my blog posts from last year, at least a large percentage of them. What comes to mind after reading them is that this is really my life. Are you sure? Did I really walk through all of that? Am I really this far down the road?
Janie Beth seems like a blink of an eye. Joy Michelle seems like she has always been here. God has done a mighty work in my heart after losing Janie Beth by bringing Joy Michelle into my life. I forgot just how many of Joy's milestones fell on big days for Janie Beth. He really does redeem us!
I realized last night just how much I have let fear come in this pregnancy. It seems as though it is more than with Joy, but I am not sure because I didn't type during the first trimester with her. There are dates this time around that will fall very close to Janie Beth's dates. I will also be pregnant on her days rather than having an infant to hold. The first similarity is a dinner I am going to later this month. The last time I went to this dinner at church I was pregnant with Janie and had no clue of the journey that I would be on. It makes me wonder if the journey I am embarking on will be painful like hers. Yes, this is where my crazy mind goes!!!
I am also fighting fear because I do not go to the OB until the 22nd! That is still 3 wks away!! If you go by the due date they have given me, then I will 11 wks at my appointment. I have never gone in that late. I fear going in and the baby having stopped a few weeks before. I have been there, and I do not want to be there again. In my exhaution I am having a hard time giving things over to God. :/
I cried out to Him tonight before I came and read through my blog. Of course my cries were the same as always. Why do I always find myself in the same boat!?! I want to break down my walls! I want to love and cherish! I want God to create in me a clean and pure heart from nothing because that is all that is in there. I need help because I do not know how to conquer this Promised Land!! He is gracious and He will show me the way! He will help me tear down these walls that I so easily throw up. He has an awesome plan.
I am embarking on a new pregnancy with a new journey that still points back to Janie Beth. God has more healing for me through this journey. I pray that I will embrace this pregnancy and cherish every moment! I haven't been doing that because I figure that if I don't then it won't hurt as much if it doesn't go well. What craziness!! I need to LET GO and LET GOD!!! I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say!
Once again we are diving deeper. I am excited but I also know it is going to be some hard work! I have roots that go down DEEP that need to be pulled up and tossed out. God has a plan for me because He loves me, and it is for my good and His glory! It is awesome!!
Abba Father, thank You for calling me deeper again! I love You and I want nothing more than to fall in love with You more. Take my heart and make it entirely Yours. Thank You for the amazing journey of Janie Beth and Joy Michelle that You continue to bring me on. Thank You for the new journey with this new precious little one that You have placed in my womb. I am blessed beyond measure. I give You my fears. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. Write my faith. May You be glorified through me. Pull out the ugly weeds from my garden by the roots and make my garden the beauty that You intended it to be. And please keep me out of the way! I know I hinder Your work in me more than anything or anyone else. Your will be done in my life and heart! Thank You!!!!!!!