Where do I start? It has been a while!! It hasn't been that I don't want to write, or type, or that I don't have things I want to share. I have been searching where I am to go, if that makes any sense. I started this blog to help me carry Janie Beth even though she was going to be with Jesus, then it helped me find my way in my new normal. It was a way to share my feelings and the things God was teaching me. I still walk Janie Beth's journey every day because I am her mother. She is a thread that runs through the entire tapestry of my life, but she is not the only thread nor is she the consuming thread.
So, where does that leave my blog??
I realized as I came to type this post, which I have written time and again in my head, that the title of my blog is still true. This is our journey, and I do have to Lean on the Everlasting Arms daily! I screw up!!! I realize every time I get after my kids for how they talk or do something, and then realize it sounded just like me! Man, that humbled me big time when God opened my eyes to that one. But, He did it to help me let go and let Him. I cannot do this mothering thing by myself! I must lean on Him moment by moment.
I have been memorizing Romans 12 (WOW!!). I can't get past the first verse without being amazed and challenged, but there is one verse that I really want to be a part of my life, yet I fail constantly.
Romans 12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.
Love sincerely. I want to love others sincerely, like Jesus. I have also been reading through John and really studying Jesus since we are supposed to be like Him. He loved sincerely. Whoever He met, He truly cared for them. He was full of compassion. The other person came first. I want to be like that! I want to truly care for the other person with whom I come in contact with, whether they be a friend or stranger. I want to seek their good. I get stumped by this daily! I pray daily that God would love my kids through me because I can't love them the way they need to be loved. I need to lean on those arms moment by moment!
I need to lean on the arms to accept the grace and forgiveness given to me when I mess up. I can't stand around beating myself up! (I can do this very well!!!) I have to allow the blood of Jesus to truly wash me white as snow. That is hard because Satan is constantly trying to bring it back up, but I will lean and choose to listen to God!
I am not sure exactly where my blog will go as I seek His face, but I pray that it is focused on Jesus. I don't want others to see a Christian when they look at me; I want them to see Jesus when they look at me. I will cling to the promise that He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it! I will strive for the upward call of Jesus. I will run the race. I will fall with my face in the mud, but I will get back up and keep going. I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms of Jesus because He is my coach in this race of life. He sees the obstacles up ahead. He knows exactly what I need.
At this moment, I feel as though I am in a boot camp of sorts. I believe we all have multiple boot camps in our lives because that is where God gets us ready for the race ahead. He is stripping me down right now. It hurts, and there are times I quit and have to come crawling back, but He always welcomes me open arms! He is awesome like that!!!
I am crawling back as I have been beating myself up and allowing the enemy to make just stand still. God has been showing me things, and I have felt the need to share, but I have been allowing doubt to come in which is making me stand still. OUCH! God doesn't want me to stand still, you get lukewarm that way. He wants me on fire for Him.
Abba Father, please draw me back to You! I desire to truly know You this Christmas season. I want You to strip away the excess around my heart, and make me Yours alone. I want Jesus, and I want all of Him! You have promised me life, and life to the fullest, and I am laying claim to that promise. Lord, be glorified in me. No more lukewarm, standing still, I want to be on fire for Jesus. I want to anticipate the baby in the manger. Here I am, Lord, I am Yours, and I want You to send me. Do not pass me by. I accept Your call of motherhood, and I desire to lean on Your arms as I take up my cross daily and follow after You. I want You to be my true heart's desire. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen