Still

Still... it still hurts. I am reliving Janie Beth's journey as we approach her third birthday. My heart still aches. It still catches me off guard sometimes. My arms still long to hold her and feel her and kiss her and see her. I still picture her in our home throughout the day. I still see her between Eli and Joy Schelle when they are all together. I still long to go back to those days. I still throw up walls and realize too late, after a couple days of disaster in my spirit, that I am running from grief. Most of the year it is so intertwined in my life I function just fine with it, but this is her time of year. I really thought I was doing well, and I am doing better than previous years, but I am not doing as well as I thought. It still hurts.

I am thankful that God showed me part of my problem the last few days (this is only 1 of them, I have lots of work to do). I am thankful to now embrace this grief that is swirling around me and through me right now. I will learn the new step in this dance of life.

Precious Baby Girl, Mommy misses you and loves you!!!!

Abba, please come hold me up. Please fill those hurting places. Please wrap me in your love. Thank You for Your patience with me!!! Teach me the new part in my dance of life. Thank You for allowing me to be Janie Beth's mommy. I love You! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

Where do I start? It has been a while!! It hasn't been that I don't want to write, or type, or that I don't have things I want to share. I have been searching where I am to go, if that makes any sense. I started this blog to help me carry Janie Beth even though she was going to be with Jesus, then it helped me find my way in my new normal. It was a way to share my feelings and the things God was teaching me. I still walk Janie Beth's journey every day because I am her mother. She is a thread that runs through the entire tapestry of my life, but she is not the only thread nor is she the consuming thread.

So, where does that leave my blog??

I realized as I came to type this post, which I have written time and again in my head, that the title of my blog is still true. This is our journey, and I do have to Lean on the Everlasting Arms daily! I screw up!!! I realize every time I get after my kids for how they talk or do something, and then realize it sounded just like me! Man, that humbled me big time when God opened my eyes to that one. But, He did it to help me let go and let Him. I cannot do this mothering thing by myself! I must lean on Him moment by moment.

I have been memorizing Romans 12 (WOW!!). I can't get past the first verse without being amazed and challenged, but there is one verse that I really want to be a part of my life, yet I fail constantly.

Romans 12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.

Love sincerely. I want to love others sincerely, like Jesus. I have also been reading through John and really studying Jesus since we are supposed to be like Him. He loved sincerely. Whoever He met, He truly cared for them. He was full of compassion. The other person came first. I want to be like that! I want to truly care for the other person with whom I come in contact with, whether they be a friend or stranger. I want to seek their good. I get stumped by this daily! I pray daily that God would love my kids through me because I can't love them the way they need to be loved. I need to lean on those arms moment by moment!

I need to lean on the arms to accept the grace and forgiveness given to me when I mess up. I can't stand around beating myself up! (I can do this very well!!!) I have to allow the blood of Jesus to truly wash me white as snow. That is hard because Satan is constantly trying to bring it back up, but I will lean and choose to listen to God!

I am not sure exactly where my blog will go as I seek His face, but I pray that it is focused on Jesus. I don't want others to see a Christian when they look at me; I want them to see Jesus when they look at me. I will cling to the promise that He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it! I will strive for the upward call of Jesus. I will run the race. I will fall with my face in the mud, but I will get back up and keep going. I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms of Jesus because He is my coach in this race of life. He sees the obstacles up ahead. He knows exactly what I need.

At this moment, I feel as though I am in a boot camp of sorts. I believe we all have multiple boot camps in our lives because that is where God gets us ready for the race ahead. He is stripping me down right now. It hurts, and there are times I quit and have to come crawling back, but He always welcomes me open arms! He is awesome like that!!!

I am crawling back as I have been beating myself up and allowing the enemy to make just stand still. God has been showing me things, and I have felt the need to share, but I have been allowing doubt to come in which is making me stand still. OUCH! God doesn't want me to stand still, you get lukewarm that way. He wants me on fire for Him.

Abba Father, please draw me back to You! I desire to truly know You this Christmas season. I want You to strip away the excess around my heart, and make me Yours alone. I want Jesus, and I want all of Him! You have promised me life, and life to the fullest, and I am laying claim to that promise. Lord, be glorified in me. No more lukewarm, standing still, I want to be on fire for Jesus. I want to anticipate the baby in the manger. Here I am, Lord, I am Yours, and I want You to send me. Do not pass me by. I accept Your call of motherhood, and I desire to lean on Your arms as I take up my cross daily and follow after You. I want You to be my true heart's desire. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

That Ache

The ache of the arms has been prevalent over the last week.
The desire to hold and touch and kiss.
The wonder of what she would be like.
How she would look. I can't even imagine.
It makes my heart skip a beat.
It catches my breath.
Brings a tear to my eye. A smile to my face.

I don't know why the onslaught of emotion right now. There could be several factors I guess. I blogged about meeting her and our time with her this week. It floods my memories again. It makes me long for those days to stand still.

I went to the open house of the new LDRP rooms at the other hospital in town. They are wonderful! The staff is so sweet! The NICU there is even intimate. It was a very blessed tour. Two of the rooms have the saying "Angels danced the day you were born" painted above the cribs. I have an ornament for Janie Beth that says that! It flooded me with her! It made her a part of the day. It makes me long to have one of those rooms with Timothy so that she is a part too.

Going to the hospital got me excited about Timothy's arrival. It reminds me of how different I pray that it is from Janie Beth's. The desire to have my labor and delivery the way I want them this time and just cherish each moment makes me wish I could do hers differently, but then I choose thankfulness instead. God was in control! And He still is! There is also that part of me that wonders if Timothy will be ok. Will I say that the angels danced the day he was born because he was born into heaven? I really do feel like everything is going to go wonderfully with his birth, but I know there are no guarantees, and God is in control.

I am also coming up on 28 wks. That is how far I was when we found out about Janie having TD. I even go to the doctor this week at 28 wks 1 day, just like I did when we saw Dr. F at 28 wks 1 day before going to the specialist. WOW!! God has a way of redeeming!

Joy Michelle's personality is really beginning to show and that makes me wonder all the more how Janie would be now, and what she would have been like at Joy's age. It makes me enjoy my kids more!!! I don't want to forget!

While my arms may ache to hold her and my fingers ache to feel her again, I am so thankful to have the privilege of being Janie Beth's mommy!! I would do it all over again. God has used Janie Beth to bring me on an amazing journey. He is still using her journey to change me. What a precious baby girl! I love you, Janie Beth!!! I miss you dearly!

Father God, thank You for making me Janie Beth's mommy!!! Thank You for bringing me on this amazing journey! As I continue to seek You with all my heart, I pray that You will continue to mold me and heal me on this journey. Thank You for the wonderful time I had with Janie Beth. Thank You for the ability to spend each day with Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, Joy Schelle, and Timothy! Thank You for Joey and how You used Janie Beth to bring us closer. You are an awesome God! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen

Walking With You~ Week 2

This is week 2 on Walking With You.
If you are a mother who has heard the words incompatible with life, what happened next for you? Share about the waiting if your journey continued. How did you walk that path? What were some of your feelings? What did you do to form lasting memories? What were your struggles? Things you found comfort in?

After learning that Janie Beth would likely not live after birth, I just tried to breathe and make it through each moment. I sang "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" quite often because that is exactly what I was doing, and that is why I named my blog Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. Many times it felt like I was watching someone else walk in my shoes. We fell completely out of our routine in school. We maybe did a day or two after getting her diagnosis. (But, Josiah still learned an awful lot for not doing anything!) We didn't do chores like we normally did either. I was doing the bare necesseties while I tried to figure out how to walk this path.

I did a ton of reading online! I found many blogs and read and read and read. I found organizations, Sufficient Grace Ministries and String of Pearls, that helped women who were carrying to term. Thankfully, we were never faced with the question of whether to terminate the pregnancy because I was already 28.5 weeks. I read in my Bible. I had a couple devotion books I read. I taped Bible verses around the house. I pulled out a little notebook I have that has verses written in it that I read during the really hard moments.

My favorite part of each day was while the kids were napping/resting. I would loung on the couch with my computer and just feel Janie Beth. It was hard to feel her because of all the fluid, but she usually moved during that time. I will forever cherish those times! She moved the most in church. :) The only time that I was really able to see my belly move around was the Sunday before she was born. I even told Josiah to watch. Joey was working so he wasn't there. It was priceless! Church helped me a whole lot! The songs touched my heart. (There are still songs that make my heart skip a beat when the first few chords are played!)

I started my blog to keep people updated on everything that was going on and to have a place to write the many thoughts and emotions that were constantly running through my head!

I tried my best to cherish every moment and every day. We bought a journal that we engraved her name on that I wrote in every night. I told her what we had done that day and I often times wrote about things God was teaching me and Bible verses. (Just a side note, I can’t find this journal since we moved, so prayers that it is found would be appreciated!) I felt a connection to Janie Beth during this time in the evening. I didn’t speak out loud much, but I felt as though she could tell what I was thinking, crazy as that sounds.

We went to Build a Bear and let each of the kids make a Janie Beth bear. It was a way to give them something to hold onto when they were sad or to talk to when they wanted to talk to her. It was one of the best things we did!!!! Those animals are very well loved!

We took pictures with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Our photographer was amazing!!! I am so thankful for those tangible memories!

We made each special event Janie Beth's. It was her Thanksgiving, her AL v. AU game (a big deal for college football in AL), her first snow. We even went to a movie. I prayed daily that she would still be with us for Christmas. I still remember that Thanksgiving. We went to the normal family gathering, but I felt so alone. It was so hard. Josiah's Janie bear watched the football with me. Janie Beth got hit by a snowball. We were blessed to have her for Christmas too. We bought an ornament with a dad and pregnant mom and wrote her name on the belly. I found a pink lamb that became my Janie Beth lovey.
Watching the game...

 You can see the snowball mark on my jacket. :)

We were blessed by so many!!! God wrapped us in His arms, and also in the arms of His children. Those were the hardest 6 wks!!! Every single thing was bittersweet. I felt stuck. Grief had already begun, yet I was trying to enjoy. It was a constant see-saw of emotion. I prayed daily, and often times multiple times a day, that God would write my faith! I told God exactly what I felt about the situation. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for guidance and peace. I prayed for comfort. I cried. We bought her a dress and should have bought stock in Hobby Lobby because we got so many memory makers.

I did have a turning point in my journey when I was having pity party and God met me there. I was crying out to Him and I told Him that I didn't want to walk this road! He asked me, "Why don't you want to walk this road? You have no idea where it leads." (original post) WOW!!!! He was right! I had no idea where this road was going to lead. Little did I know how many prayers Janie Beth would answer or how many lives she would touch.

God always met me right where I was and always knew just what to say. :) He is awesome like that. As I re-read my blog posts from those 6 weeks I am amazed at what all God showed me. I am amazed that I even walked that road. I truly learned what God meant when He said that where you are weak, I am strong. I was carried through those weeks!!! I was groping to find my way. I was doing all I could to breathe. Do I have regrets? Of course, but I try hard to be thankful for the things that I did do!

What a journey those 6 weeks were! They were only the beginning of a very long road.

25 Weeks Preggo

I am now a little over 25 weeks. WOW!!! Time has flown, which it tends to do even more as I grow up. :)

If you have been around a while, then you know that my last 3 pregnancies have not been without issue, and I was really praying that this one would go smoothly with no issues. But, that is not the case. :) God tends to have to put me on my behind to teach me! I want to wholeheartedly seek Him this year, so He is giving me ample opportunity to start the year on the right foot. :)

I started contracting more around 21 weeks or so, but that is my normal time for the braxton hicks to pick up, so I really wasn't worried about it. But, then at 23 weeks I started having pressure. AH! I thought that maybe I had been on my feet too much, so I decided to see how I felt after a good night's sleep. The next morning was also Janie Beth's birthday. Not a day I particularly wanted to go to the doctor! The morning started out feeling ok, but as it went on the pressure built up. We were going to lunch for Janie's birthday and then to the cemetary so I called my doc on the way into town. They wanted me to come right in since we were so close since I was feeling as tho he was going to fall out! To say I was nervous is an understatement!!!

Of course, my doc was at the hospital delivering so I saw the nurse practitioner. My cervix is short, but that is to be expected when you are expecting your 6th child. It is essentially closed, but she wrote me as 1 cm dilated. (I was 1 cm at this point with Joy also.) He is sitting low tho, so figured that was the cause of the pressure.

I was put on modified bedrest and given some bp meds to take to keep the contrax away, and told to keep my appt for the next week.

So, that brings us to today. I spend most of my time sitting around. My crockpot is getting a work out. I try my best to not have to take the meds because they make my bp really low since it already runs low. I have lavendar essential oil that keeps my contrax at bay if they start up. The pressure is actually caused by pelvic congestion. :( I have issues with it at other times too, but this is the first time with pregnancy. It seems to be getting a little worse with each of the last few pregnancies. I have been doing quite a bit of googling if you couldn't tell. LOL

This sitting around has given me the opportunity to seek God and His will for our lives. I am researching Real Food and Essential Oils right now, as well as vaccines. :) Very interesting stuff!

I have also been wrestling with fear this pregnancy. There are several outside factors that are present with Timothy's pregnancy that were present with Janie Beth's. I won't go into all the details but God and I are wholeheartedly conquering this fear. :) I am excited!!!

Timothy seem to be growing just fine! I have gained 10 lbs, and my uterus was measuring 25-26wks at 24 wks. I got back at 28 wks for my glucose test and I will see the doctor at that visit. After that I will be going every other week!!! That is crazy! I can't believe I am already at that point!

Timothy's bassinet is up in our room (mainly b/c it is easier to store it there LOL), and he has a few onesies and bibs in my drawer. He was also the recipient of some adorable cloth diapers from my sister for Christmas!!! I also bought him a cute little lovie and he has a very special blanket from his big sister Janie Beth! One of the blankets in her NICU crib is cream with 2 little animals and I decided while I was pregnant with Joy that if she was a boy this blanket would be Janie's contribution, so it is Timothy's first official blanket. :)

Timothy is also referred to as T.J. quite often around here. Unless you are Eli :) because he can't seem to remember either one and has to ask, "what is the baby's name in your belly I can't remember"? :) Eli got to feel Timothy the other day and he often tries to feel him. It is really sweet. All 3 of the big kids are very excited for Timothy's arrival!! Joy pats on my belly because the others do and laughs. LOL I am trying to tell her Timothy is in there, the baby. We shall see.

Timothy is already very much loved!!! I love to feel him move around! I would just sit there and feel all day if I could. :) Altho it gets a bit uncomfortable when he decides to try coming out my belly button. :P

I managed to get a belly picture the other day when a friend came to visit with her camera!!! My camera was dropped by a precious child of mine and will not work anymore. :(

So.... here I am, and I will add a pic of the bassinet. We buy ribbons for each of the kids at the hospital that have bears and rattles on them, and I pulled the bears and rattles off and put them on a shelf above the bassinet. Janie's bow didn't have a bear because Joey couldn't remember if we got the ones with bears or not, so hers is a white lamb that I had. The back of each animal has the part of the ribbon that has their names and stats glued to it. Janie Beth's blanket and other white lamb also hang over the bassinet just a it did Joy's. :) The animals on the shelf are in age order. :)

The First Steps~ May You Be Glorified

http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/

Sufficient Grace Ministries has a section called Walking With You. It is for bereaved mothers to support each other. For the next 10 wks every Monday there will be a new topic to blog about in the babyloss journey. I feel that God is calling me to participate this time, and I pray that it will draw me closer to Him and encourage someone else.

Walking With You wk 1 ~ The First Steps
As I look back 2 years later November 19, 2009 is still so clear in my mind. Typing the date and seeing the date still make my heart jump. The cry in my heart that day was "God, I don't know what you are doing, but I pray that You be glorified." That is still the cry of my heart today as I continue Janie Beth's journey. The first steps were so scary and so alone feeling. I clung to God as I have never clung to Him before!

It all really started on November 16, 2009 and to read that you can go here.

Here is what I wrote about November 19, 2009, Our trip to UAB:

November 19, 2009 I went to UAB to see a specialist about Janie Beth's legs. That was one of the hardest days I have ever lived through. I think I remember things about that day better than my memories from Janie's day here with us.

I had Joey snap this picture before we left. I was 28.5 wks.

I do not remember a thing about the drive down there, but I am sure that we talked... a lot. :) Once we got to B'ham, we were early so we went to a thrift store. I remember looking around the store, but not really finding anything of note. I think we bought a couple little things; books if I am not mistaken.

Then, we went to the doctor's office. The waiting room had quite a few ladies in it, plus the people that came with them. I sat there and wondered why they were there. I had brought some things to read, but I never really read. I think I may have had a book out at one point, but it didn't really accomplish much. Joey had a cough, but he wasn't contagious. He actually went into the stairwell at one point to cough. We joked that everyone probably thought he was infecting them. (He really sounded bad!)

After waiting for quite some time, we were called back to an ultrasound room. The tech said that she was helping out the people we were going to see, and would take most of the measurements and then they would do an u/s as well. She was really nice!! She printed tons of pictures for us. (Once again, I wish I had a video tape!) She told us that Janie Beth was definitely a dwarf. She said her profile matched perfectly. She told us that the main concern would be if her chest cavity was big enough to allow her lungs to grow.

Janie Beth was so darn cute!!! One of my main prayers since our last ultrasound was that she be in the perfect position for them to get measurements. God answered the many prayers that were sent up. She behaved wonderfully for this ultrasound technician. When she was done with all of her measurements she brought us to a room to wait for the doctor to be ready.

They stuck us in a room. I remember that we sat in some chairs and there were a lot of boxes in there. We didn't talk much as we waited. My heart was already hurting.

Then the doctor came and got us. There was a doctor, a resident, and a student, plus the u/s tech came in too. The resident did the ultrasound. I do not remember much talking; maybe some between the doctor and resident, but that was about it. The ultrasound tech pulled a book out and looked up what percentile Janie Beth was in for the size of her chest cavity. Two and a half percent! I will remember that forever. Janie Beth wasn't behaving as well for these docs, and the resident had trouble getting a couple measurements so the doctor took over.

When they were done, the doctor talked to us. I do not remember exactly what he said, but I know he started with telling us the names of 2 different types of dwarfism and that Janie Beth had one of them. I know that he told us she would not live, but how he phrased it I do not know. He did say at one point that she could surprise us. (In our language, that is God might do a miracle. :) ) I had tears streaming down my face, but I didn't lose it completely. The ultrasound tech was crying, as were the resident and student (all of which were female). He asked us if we had any questions. Are you serious!?! You just told me my daughter is going to die and you expect me to know what questions to ask! Of course, we didn't have any at that point. The resident was kind enough to get me the kleenex.

We left that little room forever changed. I handed over my paperwork to the check out lady with a red face and tear stained cheeks. She didn't ask. As we were walking out, I told Joey I needed to go to the bathroom before we left. It was in that one person bathroom that I looked in the mirror and said those words. I gave it all to God in that moment. He was in control.

What do you say when you get in the car after you are told your daughter is not going to live? I don't remember. I do remember that we went to McDonald's drive-thru. I remember thinking about calling people and having to tell the kids. It was a long, sad drive home. Very quickly many were praying on our behalf! A sweet lady even called me as we were driving and told me not to give up hope.

The kids stayed at my mom's with Poppa that day. My parents knew, but we were going to tell the kids when we got home. The doctor had given us a picture of her chest and belly, and Joey used that to explain to the kids that her chest wasn't big enough for her lungs to grow and be able to breathe. Katie Jo cried; a very hard moment. We told them we would be praying for a miracle, but that it was ok if Janie Beth went to Heaven. We know God loves us and He is going to do what is best for us and Janie Beth. And so began The Journey of the Karr's, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.

God is still doing what is best for us, even when it doesn't feel like it. There is always someone missing. She is the missing puzzle piece, but the colors from her piece of the puzzle are woven into every other piece!!

East of the Jordan

Before Janie Beth, I was settling on the East of the Jordan.

This morning I was reading Numbers 32. It is the chapter where the tribe of Rueben, Gad, and half of Manessah ask Moses to let them settle on the East side of the Jordan. I then moved on and read in John, but I kept thinking about settling on the East side of the Jordan.

How many times do we pitch our tents on the East side of the Jordan because it looks so good even though it isn't the Promised Land. We still get blessings on the East side when we are following God's laws, but what are we missing out on!?! It is wonderful land and our families might be safe there, but what are we missing out on? We are comfy on the East side. We aren't challenged. We don't grow. We don't change. We just hang out and have God in a little compartment of our lives.

I was living on the East side of the Jordan! I had my 3 kids. My husband had a job. We had a house. The kids went to a little 2 hour/ 3 days a week program at the local tech school where they taught teenagers how to teach preschoolers. I had what I tought was the life. God fit right in, and I could still go about doing the things I had always done. My kids were kind of like a status symbol. I had them and I loved them, and I was called their Mother, but I wasn't really mothering them. I would if it was convenient for me, but they weren't really my priority. I was the preacher's wife. I had a title and status in the community. I felt important. I was blessed. God was teaching me, but it was on the surface. Oh, He was calling me deeper, but I didn't really want to hear it. I was having a good time on the East side.

Then life got hairy. We lost our job. We got a home, but it was half the size and the garage was piled high with boxes because we didn't have room and Joey didn't have an office. We became regular church members. I had faith that God would pull us through somehow, but my life was upside down! What happened to the East side of the Jordan!?!

Then, we found our we were expecting. Yay, a bright spot in this thunderstorm we were living in. But, I had a feeling...something wasn't quite right. Little did I know just how "not right" they were. But, I trudged forward. Then, we found out Janie Beth wouldn't be able to live after birth. REALLY!?! Are you serious? "God, I don't know what You are doing, but I pray that You be glorified!" Then, Janie Beth was born Dec. 29, 2009 and then went to heaven 2 yrs ago today. Thus began an even darker storm...

But, this storm would lead me to the river's edge on the East side. All along I thought I was living in the Promised Land, but in reality I was wondering in the wilderness. I was clueless!

God used Janie Beth to part the waters of the Jordan River and call me to the true Promised Land that He had for me. Really!?! We still didn't have a job. We still lived in a small house. I now had 4 children, but 1 of them resided in Heaven. How in the world was this my Promised Land!?!

God asked me if I really wanted to be a wife and mother? Of course! That is all I have ever wanted to be and do. But, you have just used them as a status symbol. A check off your list. They are there to meet your needs. Is that truly what a wife and mother should be?

WOW!!! How little I truly knew, and still know! God called me to accept my calling as a wife and mother. It wasn't a title to just put on. It is so much more than that! It is a lifestyle. It is a huge calling! It has major responsibility. It is hard work. It is rewarding. It is a blessing. It is a true Promised Land!

No, it isn't ready made like the East side of the Jordan, already ready for the livestock and children, but it is where I am truly called to settle. There is a little obstactle. :) Isn't there always!?! :) I have to conquer this Promised Land. I have to work the land to get it ready. I have to dive in with both feet and hands and sweat. I have to fail and get back up and try again. But, it is amazing!!! The land is fruitful if I am willing to take the time to work it. My children's souls and hearts are fruitful! Will I take the time to work them and feed them? Or will I just let them grow as they wish with lots of weeds? I must build my house and make it comfy and cozy. Relaxing for my beloved. I need to make him feel cherished. Am I going to let the world do that? I could try and let it, but it would never do it.

This Promised Land is full. I want to conquer every part of it! I am just scratching the surface of the coast on the West side of the Jordan. It is already amazing, and I know I can't begin to imagine the blessings that await for me and my family as we set out and conquer our Promised Land.

In a little house, with no job, and a child in Heaven, I found the entrance to the Promised Land God has for me. Before life got hairy, I was perfectly happy to be on the East side of the Jordan. I don't know what all awaits us in the Promised Land, and I know there will be hard times, but it will all be blessed. We have God leading us and following us. He has us enclosed all around. He is our helper and our guide. We are wholeheartedly seeking Jesus and following Him on the journey into our Promised Land! It isn't at all what I would have expected, instead it is far better!

Thank You, God, for a precious baby girl named Janie Beth. Thank You for using her 22 hours to bring me on an amazing journey that brought me to the edge of the East side of the Jordan where You showed up and asked me to go deeper! Thank You for Your love and guidance. Thank You for Your grace and mercy as I fail daily. Thank You for Your patience as I have to learn the same lesson over and over. I love You! May I grow to love You more and more. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Change

I believe change is going to be a big part of our lives in 2012. Timothy will be joining our family, we pray. We will be moving somewhere; there is a particular place we are praying for. We will get some kind of job, prayerfully in a church. We will be changing how we do things around here.

2011 was about growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. I will continue to pray that prayer for my family. It has blessed us immensely this year, and I am very thankful for the ways in which God has had my family grow. He is growing us in our desires and priorities.

This year I want to take that even deeper. God has been changing mine and Joey's hearts in many ways. We took the plunge this year and told the kids that Santa isn't real. They really accepted it just fine! I wanted Christmas to be all about Jesus! Last year I brought up telling them about Santa, but our hearts weren't totally ready yet. I am realizing that our focus as a family is in the wrong place so many times! Christmas is a wonderful example because everyone is focused on self. What will I get? How many presents do I have? Me, me, me! But, our focus should be Jesus and giving. We tried to implement a focus change this year, and I plan to do even more next year.

But, I don't want our focus to be on Jesus only at Christmas time! I want our lives to be totally about Him.

I have been reading through Book Five of Psalms at night before going to bed. Sometimes I only get through one verse because it touches me so much, but lately I have been stuck on the same 8 verses. I just can't seem to move beyond them.

Psalm 119:8-16
How can a young man cleanse him way?
By taking heed according to Your word,
With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blesse are You, O Lord!
Teach me Your statues.
With my lips I have declared
All the judgments of Your mouth.
I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
I will meditate on Your precepts,
And contemplate Your ways.
I will delight myself in Your statutes;
I will not forget Your word.

All of these verses are rocking my world, but I am really rocked by verse 10 right now.

With my whole heart I have sought You;

Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!

Do I seek Jesus with my whole heart!?! Or is it just with the edges!?! Do I let Him have full access? Am I willing to change and let go of things I really like in order to truly be what He wants me to be? Am I wholeheartedly sold out for Jesus?

In all honesty, my answer to every one of those questions is "no". BUT!! (Don't you just love when it says, "But, God"!!!) But God is changing my heart! He is growing me. I want my answer to those questions to be a big resounding "YES"!!! I want to continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ my Lord and my Savior by wholeheartedly seeking after Him.

My word for me and my family is WHOLEHEARTEDLY! This year we are going to seek to seek after God and Jesus with our whole hearts. We are going to continue to grow, and prayerfully become a family after God's own heart. We are going to change because you cannot seek after Jesus wholeheartedly and not be changed!

This will not be easy!!! I will admit that there is a part of me that is wondering if I will have to let go of things I really like. But, then I think of the amazing things God will fill that place with! Look at the disciples! They dropped everything and went. Their eyes were only on Jesus. I can feel the changing stirring in my soul. It excites me. I am thankful for a husband to go on this journey with. I am thankful that we are changing the way our children are raised. I am thankful that God has called me to a higher standard as His child. I am thankful that He will be with me every step of the way.

I told Joey last night that everything needs to be laid on the table. We have discussed this many times with regard to the church, and how they (every single church) need to revision themselves and lay everything on the table and make sure it is all honoring God and doing what He wants it to. I believe there are times when He may call us to stop a ministry that is doing well because there is another one that needs more attention or is needed more. (That is a rabbit we can chase in another post. LOL) As a couple we need to look at everything we are doing as a family and/or not doing and make sure that it is all lining up with what God wants us to do. I honestly do not know what God may ask us to stop or start, or move away from a little bit, but I do know that His plan for us is good and His will is perfect. It may hurt as we are pruned and as we grow new roots because that is hard work, but we will be so thankful we did it!

So, here we go! We are off on a wholehearted journey toward Jesus!!! :) I hope to write more about the other verses in this section as well now that I have written about verse 10a. God's word is so amazing! Alive and moving still today if we let it!

The Day is Here...

The words... Where are the words? I am at a loss for them.

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I have been waiting for this day, yet dreading it as well. I am excited, yet so scared.

Sunday morning in church, I let go. I told God that I really didn't want to walk a similar road to Janie Beth's, but I was willing. I would accept that journey again. Silent tears streaked down my face, and I really wanted to run to the bathroom and just bawl! I wanted to just run into the arms of Jesus and feel Him hold me. I was vunerable. I put myself completely and totally in God's hands. I let go...

I have slowly been picking it all back up. The fear, the worry, the wonder. Why do I do this to myself??? It doesn't change anything.

As the week has progressed things in our lives have started to fall apart. AH!!! My faith is stretched thin. I fear, worry, and wonder. Things were falling apart before Janie Beth too. Will God choose to answer my prayers by having me walk through another journey of loss???

I do not know the answer to this question. Even if the ultrasound tomorrow is good, that doesn't mean that we won't endure another journey of loss because one day we will. Loss is a part of life. That is a hard reality to accept sometimes.

How Janie Beth fills my thoughts right now!

I must change my perspective!

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

WOW! Instead of looking at all that I lost. I must remember that God hears my prayers! He always answers my prayers, and I must continue to call upon Him as long as I live. He is faithful!!! He has proven Himself over and over again.

I am only as poor as I think I am! Oh Lord, change my perspective!!! Please! I need a mind renewal. You have given me so much. Thank You! Thank You for the stones that I can look back on to see your faithfulness in my life! Thank You for Janie Beth and the amazing journey her life has brought me on. Thank You for this new little one and the blessings You have in store for us through his or her life. You hear me when I call. You set my feet in a broad place. You are on my side. I will not fear. (Ps. 118:5-6) You are mindful of me. You will bless me if I fear You. (Ps. 115:12-13) May I totally trust You, for You are my help and my shield. Who is like the Lord our God, who dwells on high, who humbles Himself to behold the things that are in the heavens and in the earth? (Ps. 113:5-6) What a mighty God!!!! No one but You can truly behold both things on earth and in heaven. You care about each and every thing. Thank You for caring about every detail of my life! I love You! May You continue to be glorified in my life and through my life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Holidays Approaching...

Bittersweet has become a word I use quite often. I use it right now to explain how the approaching holiday season feels. It is bittersweet, but in a different bittersweet way than last year's. I know that sounds crazy, and you all should know by now that I am a little bit crazy. ;)

Today marked 2 yrs since we had an u/s with our regular OB that showed Janie's limbs had not grown. Saturday marks a year since we went to UAB and saw the specialist. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 yrs!!! It seems like another life, yet it feels like a day ago as I can easily recall those days.

As I recall those days this year I am in a better place. I still miss Janie Beth with every part of my being, and I still yearn and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. It takes my breath away at moments. I cry at moments. But, the moments don't last as long, and I usually cry with a smile on my face. The yearning moments are the hard moments. There are certain pictures that make her more real to me, and those pictures bring a tear to my eye without a smile because I remember just how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I wonder what she would be like right now. Then, I picture, with my limited knowledge and imagination, how wonderful it is in heaven. I am thankful! That precious little girl called me to be a Mother.

Last year I was in a weird place. Joy Michelle was here already and I am so thankful that I had her to hold on those hard days. She took the ache out of my arms. Yet, I think i was somewhat numb. I just went through the motions. Perhaps to save myself some of the pain, I don't know. The holidays were just there. We endured them. We were blessed through them!

This year I am ready for the holidays. I want to embrace them with my children and watch the glow and delight on their faces. I want to make memories and teach them the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to live lives of thankfulness, not just a month of thankfulness. I want us to find ways to bless others. I want to celebrate my wonderful Savior who is pulling me through!

But, there is always a "but" isn't there :), being pregnant right now adds a whole new dimension to everything. I am beyond grateful to be pregnant right now and walk these days and weeks with a precious life in my womb. It is redeeming. It is healing. It is a struggle to be honest! I am fighting fear with this pregnancy that I did not fight with Joy Michelle's pregnancy. God in His mercy knew I could only handle so much last year, and He knew that Jesus and I could win this victory this year. I would have crumbled last year. This year I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms. I will feel and heal. My Redeemer only gives me what I can handle! AMEN! Now, if I would just remember that in those fearful moments. ;) Easier said than done sometimes.

This year the holidays will be different in other ways as well for our family. I do not know exactly what God is going to do, but I know He will come through because He always has in the past. It is scary, and I know that adds to my fear, but it is also exciting. Why!?! Why would this crazy woman say that it is exciting!?! Because it is God, and only God, and all God!!!! There is no me or us in this! I get to watch the hand of God move. How awesome is that!?! I have no idea where or when it is getting to move, but I know that it will. I will be like Abraham, who, contrary to hope, in hope believed (Romans 4:18).

Great and Mighty is the Lord our God! Thank You, Father, that I am in a better place. Thank You that You blessed my womb with Janie Beth. Thank You for the hope that we have in Jesus! Thank You for the Rock we have in Jesus. Thank You for the blessings You have in store for us. Thank You that You are making the path straight and smooth! You are awesome! I love You! May I come to love Jesus even more through this holiday season. May You draw me near to the heart of God. I don't want to miss the true meaning of Christmas, and I want to live a life of thankfulness at all times. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Fall

Fall. Wow how that word stirs my soul. I first wrote it as the season of Fall, but then I realized that it means so much more for me. The season of Fall makes me fall. Crazy as it sounds, I fall more in love with Janie Beth as we enter the season that was so full of her, knowing that winter isn't that far away. I seek to fall more in love with Jesus as I fall back into grief. It is grief of a different phase, but I fall there regardless. I miss her still. She is in the wind as I seek to feel her in my arms because she just breezes through them. She is in the leaves falling. She was here for such a short time. Her leaves fell so quickly.

I picture my kids falling into a pile of leaves. I can hear their laughter. I wonder. But, there is a smile because I know that is what she is doing. I look at my kids and I marvel at the gifts that have been given me. I fall at my Father's feet because I feel so unworthy and thankful. I felt those first obvious kicks today, while singing in church, and I thought of Janie Beth and how church was her place to kick too. How special to have those memories. God is good!

When I was choosing Janie's decoration for her grave for the Fall, I wanted very much to have something about thanks on it. I looked for quite some time before I found the right one. I pray that I will give thanks to the Lord!

I'm not sure that anything I said in this post made sense, but that is what was on my heart.

Yet Again...

So, here I sit on another Wed night pouring my heart out to God. You see, Joey is leading the College Bible study at church on Wed nights from 8:30-10, so I have plenty of God time after the kids go to bed. I miss Joey being here, but I am enjoying these special times with God. They do not happen often enough, and that is all my fault! Something I need to work on, and I am hoping the clocks moving back and getting the sun up before 7:30 will help with that. :)

Anyways... I was pouring out my heart again. I was telling God how weary I am of the waiting and wandering. This desert is getting old. Every time it looks like we are coming up on land, it turns out to be a mirage. As we walk along the hall and knock on each door it turns out they are all locked. Will it ever be the real thing? I pleaded and begged that God would just show us the next step. I told Him that I feel like He is right there and I can feel His breathe, but not His arms. It is like when you are kid and your parents are teaching you to swim and they keep backing up because they know you can go further. That is exactly what I feel like God is doing. He keeps backing up pushing me to come further. I need endurance and perseverance to finish this race!

I asked God to speak to me through His Word, well, beg would be a better word. LOL And you know what!?! He did!!! I decided last week that I would start reading through Psalms, but start in the back because I never make it all the way through. :) Joey suggested starting in the 5th book of Psalms (it is divided up into 5 books). So, I have been reading through Psalm 107 the last few nights. I opened it up, and low and behold here is what the next verse said...

And He led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:7

He will lead us in the right way!!! He will bring us out of this wilderness and into a city, our promised land, where we can dwell and serve with Him!

Let me back up to verse 4 so you can get the whole effect. I am telling you this Psalm is right where I am, and I have only made it through the first 9 verses!

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried out ot the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forthe by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:4-7

But, you can't stop there! Verse 8 tells us to be thankful! I definitely expressed my thanks after reading verse 7 before I even looked at verse 8.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. Ps 107:8-9

One of my sacrifices right now in the wilderness is thanksgiving. I am to be thankful when it is hard to be thankful! The thing is there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to look!! He is doing wonderful works in our midst daily, just His provision for our family is an amazing work! He will satisfy our longing souls more than we could ever imagine. He is just awesome like that. He loves me! Jesus knows my name. It is written on His palm because He is my Savior! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Abba, Abba! Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Just wispering Your name brings a peace to my heart. Thank You for meeting me again right where I am. No, You didn't show me the next step to take. But, You did show me Your promise that You will lead me in the right way. You will bring us to a city to dwell in. May You continue to draw us closer. I want to love You, Jesus, more and more. Show what I am to be doing as I wait. May I not waste this time. Thank You for showing me that the first thing I am to be doing is trusting You! You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, and in You I put my trust. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

And God...

So, I'm going to be completely honest. I have not been in the best place lately. I have felt as though I am standing in the mud and I am surrounded by fog. The mud is weighing my feet down where I don't feel as though I have enough energy to take a step, and I don't have a clue which way to take a step because the fog is so thick I can't see more than a few inches in front of me.

How did I get here? I am not totally sure, but I know it doesn't take long to get here. You just have to stick your toe in the crack of the door and before you know it the door is wide open. I think there are several things that have contributed. For some reason I have more nerves this pregnancy than my last pregnancy. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that life is so uncertain right now. Which is another contributor. We are coming up on 3 yrs without a job in November. I am amazed that we have been in this place for this long!!! I am weary. I long for God to open a door; to shed some light; to be Big! I feel forgotten. I wonder if our lives will be like this forever. (When I let my thoughts start running away like this, it is so easy to spiral down!!! I need to find my trusty Bible verse notebook to pull out during these moments!)

I also feel as though I have stopped cherishing life. I have built my trusty walls back up!! This makes me so mad because I really thought God and I had done some work on tearing them down after Janie Beth died. I pray that they are not as thick this time, and though the battle will be hard, we will begin to tear them down for good this time. These walls affect most every area of my life, and I am ready for these chains to be broken once and for all! I think the hugeness (is that even a word LOL) of this battle has been looming before me and instead of going into it, I have been running. :O This, of course, pushes God away! It starts a horrible cycle! I run, so I don't do my prayer and quiet times, so I distance myself from God and feel more alone, so I run harder because there is no way I can fight this battle without Him and He is not close enough, so then I do less prayer and quiet time, ect. ect.!

I admitted to a couple friends tonight that I haven't been doing my times like I should, and I guess being open with others convicted me more! Then, I went and read an amazing blog post (here). It spoke to me down deep. I decided I was off to spend some time with God and read Psalm 113 for myself. Well, I should have known God would have other plans. :)

I opened my Bible to the Psalms. I was flipping back to find 113 and came across some verses that I had underlines in Psalm 138. BAM! There was God!!! He was waiting for me. He has been waiting ever so patiently for me to realize the error of my ways and run back to Him instead of away from Him.

Verse 8  The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands.

WOW!! God is going to perfect that which concerns me!!!! He knows everything that is going on in my life. He knows my deepest desires and fears. He is going to perfect that job He has for our family. He is going to perfect His call on my life. He will help me tear down these walls!!! I already have victory in Jesus, so I should not fear failure. Setbacks, yes, but ultimate failure, no not unless I choose to quit the battle. God has a purpose for my life. He knows the kind of woman, wife, and mother I want to be, and He wants even more than that for me! He will do it! His mercy endures forever as I fall and trip and stumble throughout the battle. He will uplift when I fall and catch me when I trip. He will give me all that I need. He is working! We are going to conquer this promise land that He has for me! What a Mighty God we serve!!!! He will not stop working on me until I get to Heaven.  Thank You, Father!!!!

Father God, more than anything I ask for Your forgiveness for my fear and my running away; for my lack of faith and my selfishness. May You wash me white as snow through the precious blood of Jesus. Pick me up and wipe me off. My life is still surrounded by fog as I have no idea what the future holds or what steps You have next for us, but I will stand on Your promises. You are working all things together for our good and Your glory! You are never going to leave us! You are going to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. I am ready for the battle, Father. I will put on Your armor. I am ready to attack these walls and be free from the bondage and live my life to the fullest through Jesus Christ. I am Yours! Mold me, fill me, use me, change me! Thank You for loving me so much! Thank You for waiting for me. You never moved, only me. You stood firm gently calling. Thank You!!! I need You. Thank You that You are going to perfect that which concerns me!!! You are Awesome! You are Mighty to Save! I love You, Abba!!! Draw me close to You. I want to fall more in love with You. Thank You for this battle so that You can do just that in my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

GOD

Thank YOU, Abba!!!

Thank You for the storm! Thank You for making a way! Thank You for loving me! Thank You for washing me clean through this storm! Thank You that the lightning and thunder are breaking me down and giving You the freedom to mold me as You see fit! Thank You for the rain that You have brought into my life. Thank You for loving me enough to bring the storm and to take the time to revamp this old piece of pottery that was useless! May I only be usefull through Your strength! Father, I need You. Thank You for bringing me this far. I know the storm isn't over and this won't be the last storm I will walk through, but I thank You for being right beside me the whole time and cheering me on and beckoning me to come closer. Thank You for calling me to be Janie Beth's mother. Thank You for calling me to mother Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Joy Schelle. Thank You for calling me to be Joey's wife. Thank You for calling me at all to do anything! I never could have imagined all that You have done in me. I needed a Savior more than I could have ever realized. I cannot put into words how thankful I am for Janie Beth and the amazing journey she has brought me on. Neither can I put into words how thankful I am that You were gracious enough to lend me Joy Schelle to raise. Thank You for the journey Joey and I, and the kids, are on with the evangelism ministry and whatever else You have in store for us. We can't imagine the wonderful things You have planned for us. In the storm it is hard to see, but I will look back to the rainbows You have provided and I will believe. Thank You for loving my family and bring us through this storm. Make us what You want us. Make our desires Your desires. May we be a family after Your own heart. May we fall in love with You! Thank You for always being there for us! You are the same yesterday, today, and forever!!!! You are great and mighty!!! You are awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Please break my chains completely and set me completely free. Thank You for Your grace! Thank You for Your mercy! Thank You for being I AM! You are all we will ever need. Thank You for my family! Thank You for calling us deeper! We knew it wouldn't be easy, but it is blessed, even if the blessings are different than expected. May we never miss one of Your blessings!

Lord, break this fallow ground. Circumcise my heart. Be big! I want to sow bountifully so that Your kingdom will reap bountifully!! I love You, Jesus, shine through me.

Thank You, Abba!!! Thank You Jesus!!

18 Month

Hard to believe that I just typed "18 months"!!! I can just imagine how cute you would have been toddling around our house at 18 months. I do wonder what your laugh would sound like and how your hugs would feel. I also wonder just how amazing it is up there in Heaven! I can't begin to imagine how wonderful it is. I would never ever want to call you back from there. But, I do long to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and tell you "I love you". You are etched forever in my heart and you are on my mind each and every day.

I will say that I am doing well. I am happy and blessed! I still have days that are sad or hard, and circumstances that are hard. I even have moments within a good day that might take my breath away. But, overall I am in a good place. You, Janie Beth, have made me appreciate what all I have. I am amazed that God gave you to me. I am amazed that God gave me your 4 siblings to raise. I am amazed that God gave me your Daddy to walk through this life with. I am amazed at the many blessings God has and continues to give me. You have swelled my heart to overflowing, Janie Beth!

Thank You, Abba, for chosing me to be Janie Beth's mommy! It is a hard hard road to walk, but it is a road that I get to walk with You. It is a road that molds me into what You want me to be. It is the road that You have chosen for me. It is the road that I am called to, and I know that You will equip me for whatever You call me to do. You, Lord, are changing me! It is painful and hard, but necessary. Without Your calling to be Janie Beth's mother I wouldn't know You like I do, and for that I thank You! Thank You for blessing me. Thank You for getting me through the last 18 months and for continuing to get me through each and every day. It is by Your grace that I awake in the morning and lay my head down to rest at night. I love You! May You continue to break down the walls around my heart and mold me into the woman You have called me to be. May You continue to bless Janie Beth's journey through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Really?

I have to say that I was amazed when I laid down last night and pulled out One Thousand Gifts! I wrote in my previous post that thankfulness/eucharisteo grows faith and trust and brings peace. Little did I know that is exactly what I would read last night. I am so thankful that God is teaching me!

I was pondering the different issues we are facing with our children. I have been praying for wisdom to know exactly what to do with each of them. There is anger and whining/complaining. What can overcome them? I do not struggle that much with anger, so I have really been at a loss. I knew what to overcome the complaining with though; you need to replace it with thankfulness. Then, after reading last night, I realized that the answer to anger is also thankfulness.

What? It is that simple?
God says," the answer is simple, but the act is not."
Then how do I do it?
You lead by example.
But I am just learning. I am not qualified!
Learn together. Let them know you struggle too; they aren't alone. And I do not call the qualified and equipped! I equip the called!
First step?
Be audible.

Then, this morning God takes me even deeper! Don't you love how He does that!?!

I was reading through Psalm 4 the other day and God really opened my eyes.
Verse 4-5
Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the Lord.

I know the beginning of the verse by heart, but I had never taken the time to read it all, or to read the next verse; to let them soak in. Do not act in the moment. Go to your room/ get away and meditate. (sometimes this is just inn your mind while you sit quietly before speaking) What do I meditate on? Can I go over and over again how this should go and how I am not in the wrong? Can I just let the anger consume me?
Well, that wouldn't be offering the sacrifice of righteousness, now would it. That isn't putting my trust in God.
Then, what in the world do I meditate on?
Thankfulness! Thank God for the moment. Thank Him for the argument. Thank Him for what He is trying to teach you. Meditate on His word, on Him. By being thankful, I am putting my trust in Him! It is acknowledging that He has this under control and He doesn't want me to sin. He wants righteousness, and that takes trust! How does it take trust? Well, what if you are right, which we all are in our own eyes. Laying it down to Him and trusting that He is going to work it all out.
WOW!! This is tuff stuff!! I think I will be spending a lot of time on my bed, by myself and with others trying to learn the art of eucharisteo. Being thankful in the hard moments and listening to God.

As I was beginning to type the verse for the anger, I thought about the verse for complaining.
Philippians 2:14-18
Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice.

Once again, I haven't really let the following verses set in! I knew that living without complaining and disputing made you blameless. When I thought about this verse a little bit ago, I realized that thankfulness is the key to being blameless. But, I missed the point!
Why does it make me blameless? Because it makes me a light. I stand out. I am different from the crooked and perverse generation. How? Being thankful is not the norm. How can you be thankful when you have every right to complain? I carried a baby for 34 wks that would pass into the arms of Jesus. I knew for 6 of those weeks that she would leave me upon entering this world. According to the world, I had every right to complain and dispute. Did I? Some days yes! But, I was thankful far more. Peace reigned in me through that time by thankfulness.
It was/is a sacrifice! It is a drink offering because I am willing to drink in my circumstances and sing praises to God with them. It is a service of my faith because I am acknowledging that God is in control and I am trusting Him even though I do not like the circumstances. It is clinging to the word of life!

It isn't just the big things. It can be the mundane every day mess. I will drink the dishwasher in and pour it out to God in thanksgiving. It will change my heart and it will make me blameless. I will look crazy to the world!

Both of these are hard! They take time and effort. It takes physical therapy to recondition our hearts to be full of thankfulness. To turn from our wicked ways of anger and complaining. But, I am going to take the challenge, and I am going to challenge my family to do the same. May my children become vessels of thankfulness because they saw it in me!

Abba Father, I have failed You so many times, and I know I will continue to fail You, but You are always there teaching me. Thank You!! Forgive me. Mold my heart, Lord. Condition it to be the way You want it to be. May I look for Your praise and not the praise of man. Make me a light in this crooked and perverse generation. May You continue to shape my family. I love You!!! Thank You for loving me so very much! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

One Thousand Gifts/ Thankfulness

I have found the library!!! I know that sounds funny. We have been going to the library for a long time, but it never occurred to me to check out new books that I wanted to read. LOL I happened upon One Thousand Gifts when I was checking out some biographies on George Muller, and I was so excited! It was on my wishlist. Let me tell you, it is amazing!!! She was searching for so many of the same things I am searching for. The book is about being thankful, eucharisteo. I really can't put it into words because she does so well.

God taught me about thankfulness quite sometime ago. I have worked through a lot and had to learn to be thankful for my past. I am so glad that God taught me that lesson before Janie Beth! It has given me the ability to look back on her life and be thankful; at least most of the time. Thankfulness brings peace. It recognizes that God is in control. Thankfulness puts the focus on God and gives me perspective. I had never thought of thankfulness the way that Ann Voskamp writes about. The journey God took her on is wonderful. Thankfulness is a sacrifice sometimes. That is another lesson God had already begun teaching me, but I am learning so much more. The last few days of noticing everything have brought me so much closer to God! I can feel the Holy Spirit so close. Thank You, Abba!!! Thankfulness deepens your faith and helps you grow. It brings trust to another level.

Here is the beginning of my list of gifts. :) I am trying to take more pictures too. I want to truly enjoy life and live it more abundantly!

1. Pancakes baking
2. syrup dripping

3. sticky smiles and hands
4. the promise of my promised land
5. pearls of water on pink roses climbing up to the heavens

6. cute kid words (jingles instead jenga :) )
7. playing games
8. wet dew between my toes; God's morning drink to His creation!
9. a husband of faith
10. the bright colors of the UNO cards when they are dropped on the floor
11. long hair that can hang over the shoulder
12. pretty toes ;) Can you guess!?!

Yep, Eli!!!

13. walks in the evening with the family
14. the sun poking through the gray clouds
15. the sounds of little voices singing God's praises
16. chatting with a good friend
17. water falls

18. walking through gardens

19. the sound of pages being turned by little hands in the car
20. Libraries
21. the ability to read
22. daisies :)

23. mama birds on their eggs

24. slushies during "happy hour" at Sonic

25. for this view...

Thanks Poppa for mowing the other day!!!

Here's What is on My Heart

I sit here with my fingers on the keys and wait for the words to come. Why I am waiting, I do not know since I have so many going in my head. Maybe it is more of a problem of where to begin. So, I will just pray for my Lord to show the way and guide my fingers.

I have been struggling. I am very short. LOL Sorry, but that made me laugh because I am literally short. :P  Maybe I should say that I have been short-tempered and impatient. I am wound very tight right now. I believe that many things are factoring into this problem, so here is what is on my heart....

Easter is coming... I really didn't expect this to be an issue! Mother's Day is coming... which means baby dedication. Kindergarten Graduation for Katie Jo is coming... really wasn't expecting this to bring on emotions! Easter, the time when we celebrate the Risen Savior!!! Why would this make me sad!?! I am not sure that sad is the right word actually. The resurrection has become even more real to me. Maybe it is the wonder and amazement of it all. It is truly overwhelming. Because He Lives!!! I love that hymn. We even sang it at Janie Beth's Celebration Service. This chorus rings so true in my life!

Baby Dedication. It will be Joy Michelle's baby dedication. I cannot put into words the amount of emotions that flow through me when I think about it, and they pretty much cover the entire spectrum from one end to the other. I have sat through 2 baby dedications; one with Janie Beth in my belly, knowing of her diagnosis already, and one afterwards on my first Mother's Day without Janie. But, participating is a whole nother story. Wow! God's grace is amazing!!

I was going through Katie Jo's pictures to send in for a slide show for Kindergarten graduation and it hit me that the pictures I have of Janie Beth are the only pictures I will ever have. There will be no comparing how she changed over the first 6 years of her life. They are singing the song "Find Us Faithful" in the service, and it is really touching my heart!

This move into Built 2 Last Ministries is all about faith. As I sing "Find Us Faithful" my heart swells with the desire that all who come behind me find me faithful! God is working in my heart in wonderful, yet hard ways. He is pruning and refining me. This was the part of the journey I didn't expect. Sad as that sounds. And that, my friends, is why I have to be refined- because I am surprised that I need to be refined on such a deep level in order to walk this road! You mean the building of my faith in the recent trials wasn't enough!?! "No, God says, I want to build your heart the way I want it." Ouch!

I learned quite some time ago that if I see something in someone else that really bugs me, then it is probably in me. Yikes! God has really challenged me lately as I have been dealing with some issues. It is very humbling. I realize that the desires of my heart have been ungodly. When I look below and see the motives it is scary and sad. I really thought I had moved passed that. I am realizing that I have been seeking after the wrong thing. I have been doing exactly what I don't think others should do. As I have been seeking to live totally by faith, I am seeing that there is a whole lot of ugly worldliness in me. The world has molded me and I didn't even realize it. I have fallen right into line with the world and I didn't even notice. Life isn't about me!! It is all about God and bringing Him the glory!! I pray that God engraves this on my heart and that He continues to teach me moment by moment.

As I have truly sought to do that, He has changed how I view so many things. Our society is more messed up than I realized. And the sad thing is, those that chose to live life the way God says look crazy! We are some messed up people. It should be the easiest thing to do; live by faith. But, we are taught that it is the hard road and the lazy road. How sad! I am having to allow God to re-shape things that have been engrained in my heart and mind my entire life. No ones fault really because we are all taught the same thing. In order to live by faith, I have to let go of the worldly views on aspiration. Let go of the American Dream. Live solely for God's glory!! Live for God's Dream! What is God's Dream? That none should perish, but all should come to repentance. He wants everyone to join Him in heaven and ask Jesus to be their Savior. Everything I do should point to God and bring Him glory.

This is hard at first, but once God prunes all of the ugly branches off, He will grow the most beautiful flowers; His flowers. I must decrease so He can increase. I must crucify my ego moment by moment. This is the journey off of the milk and onto solids. (Hebrews 5:12-14) The Spirit has felt so close. He is constantly nudging me, and I wonder... has He always been there whispering and I just missed it? Did I not care enough before? I love that God is taking the time to mold every part of my heart. I pray that I will stay in tune with Him. I much prefer to follow His leading on everything instead of mine. We all know that mine will just find me on the wide path instead of the narrow path!

So, here I sit resting after another day of tilling a new part in the garden of my heart. Weeds are never easy to pull up when you are trying to pull them up by the roots!

Abba Father, thank You!!! I cannot say it enough!! I pray that I never lose the wonder that fills my heart when I think about Your love, mercy, and grace toward me! May You continue to strengthen for the weeks ahead. You called me to be Janie Beth's mother and You equip me to walk her journey. Thank You! Prepare my heart and bring healing to the next layer. Thank You for writing my faith!! Please continue to teach me how to tap into every aspect of it. Thank You for being the best Gardener! Refine me, Lord. I want to be a woman after Your own heart. Thank You, Jesus, for walking the road to Calvary. You are my all in all. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.