Still

Still... it still hurts. I am reliving Janie Beth's journey as we approach her third birthday. My heart still aches. It still catches me off guard sometimes. My arms still long to hold her and feel her and kiss her and see her. I still picture her in our home throughout the day. I still see her between Eli and Joy Schelle when they are all together. I still long to go back to those days. I still throw up walls and realize too late, after a couple days of disaster in my spirit, that I am running from grief. Most of the year it is so intertwined in my life I function just fine with it, but this is her time of year. I really thought I was doing well, and I am doing better than previous years, but I am not doing as well as I thought. It still hurts.

I am thankful that God showed me part of my problem the last few days (this is only 1 of them, I have lots of work to do). I am thankful to now embrace this grief that is swirling around me and through me right now. I will learn the new step in this dance of life.

Precious Baby Girl, Mommy misses you and loves you!!!!

Abba, please come hold me up. Please fill those hurting places. Please wrap me in your love. Thank You for Your patience with me!!! Teach me the new part in my dance of life. Thank You for allowing me to be Janie Beth's mommy. I love You! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.