Why is it that when I am having a hard time with anything or God is dealing with me about something that I miss Janie Beth even more?? The grief makes the other stuff all the harder. It makes me think that it would be so much easier if Janie Beth was here. That thought is completely untrue! Life is hard regardless and there will always be times when God has to work on me, even if Janie Beth was here.
I had to remind myself yesterday of an old post I had written (found here). I had to remember that I had made the decision to live holeheartedly. It seems as though I take one step forward and 3 steps back. We started a new routine and God had shown me my calling, and then I got sick. But, it wasn't just that. I think there is a part of me that really has trouble moving on. It leaves Janie Beth behind. I know it doesn't really because she goes with me in my heart, but I really want her here with me and I want to hold her so much!!! I am so thankful that God made Joy Michelle a cuddle bug!!!
Valentine's Day hit me harder than I ever thought it would. I had no idea that it would be a hard holiday. I am still recovering. Maybe I haven't actually let myself grief from that day. Tears seem close so often right now. Maybe it is the fact that I feel God is about to start a new chapter, and to know that she won't be a literal part of it is sad. I really don't know.
I have also seen an ugly part of myself! When God allows me glimpses of my true self, it hurts! I have been feeling entitled. What!?! What gives me the right to feel entitled???!!! Here is how this went: We have been looking at another house that we would like to rent. Well, then a nicer house was put up to rent. Then, it was put up for sale. God, I really like that house! We could afford those payments if we get make such and such amount. Then, I start thinking about how I would set it up. How ugly!!!! I was coveting. It isn't a bad thing to think about how to set up a house, but my heart was in the wrong place. Then, God steps in... I realize that it is more house than we really need. It doesn't actually fit all the things we really want in a house. But, it is newer and nice. I knew in my heart that it wasn't right for us, but I wanted to hold onto it for a little longer. Sad, I know! We have gone back to the other house, and we would want to add on a little, but it is a far wiser choice and the one that we felt God leading us to a while back. Granted, all of this is mute until God overcomes that last few hurdles and opens the new chapter, but I am thankful that God had me fight this fight now! What a mess we would have been in if I was coveting when we were looking. That opens the door to sin and it is a quick spiral down!
I find that I covet those families that have all their children. I know this is a common feeling for baby loss mommies, and I am praying for God to help me deal with this. I look at them and feel like their lives are perfect. Wrong, I know because I do not know their stories, but from where I sit that is how it looks. There families are whole and mine has a hole. :( I ache in that hole.
I believe that my hole is shaped like a cone. The point being the closest to the surface. This is why it hurts when God calls me deeper. It means I have to go down where the hole is bigger and it hurts. But the only way to take more steps forward and truly let God's grace work is to allow Him down where the hole is the biggest. It will take time, lots and lots of time, and God graciously spreads it out! I am in a time of going deeper, but I am at the stalled part. He is calling me and I have been resisting without even realizing it. I have been sitting in my grief. God reminded me this morning that I have a Living Hope in Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:3). I need to cling to that Living Hope. I must remember His promise in 1 Thessalonians 5:24-- He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it. My part in this promise is to allow Him to do it!
Maybe I am a little scared of exactly how deep God wants me to go or exactly what He is doing. We are at the end of our finances. God has been moving, but from where we are sitting we can't see exactly how He is going to work everything out. Is He going to work it all out? Yes, He will take care of us, but how we don't know. I remind myself that I have Victory in Jesus!!! I know that [He] can do everything and that no purpose of [His] can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) With God nothing is impossible!!!
Abba, please forgive me for putting me before You. Forgive me for thinking that I deserve better. May You cleanse me and make me white as snow! May You come in and create in me a new heart. I do want You to go deeper in me, and I ask that You write my faith for this journey. May You be strong where I am weak. May You be glorified through this part of my journey. May Your will be done in our lives. Please show us the next step to take. Heal my heart and fill my hole with Your grace. I want to love You more, Father! Please be big in me! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.