I had planned on writing a post about this coming year and how I feel that God has new, big things in store for our family, but I have a hole. There is a piece missing. We are taking steps in our family, and I must learn to do them holeheartedly. No, I didn't misspell holeheartedly. I am ready to be a part of the amazing things God is going to do in our family and through our family, but I will be learning to do them with a hole in my heart. Yes, God can fill it with His grace, but there are still times when I long not to have to learn to walk life with a permanent hole in my heart.
The devil gets a hold quickly as I look at others who seem to have what I want, and I get tired of the fight. I want to have the naivety of a new pregnancy, or the ability to hug all of my children each night, or the thought that life is perfect now that we have a newborn. Those things aren't true for me, and for many others, and I am ashamed to say that I have days where it gets to me. I want to have a different lense to look through.
"But God!" I love that verse. (I am being lazy by not going to find it, but I am pretty sure it is in Paul's writings.) When I slide onto the road of self-pity, God steps in! Or, I should say that when I allow Him to, God steps in.
As I was typing the paragraph about the devil getting a hold, God spoke to me, hence the next paragraph. It reminded me of another post I wrote a long time ago. How can I tell God that this is not the road I want to walk, when I have no idea where this road is leading!?! God threw my own words back at me as I was writing that other paragraph.
Abba, may You forgive me for jealousy and self-pity. May You come into my heart and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I need Your help to learn to walk with this hole. May You carry me when I am weak and write my faith. Surround me with Your love, Lord. I am really excited about the amazing things You are going to do, but I am sad at the same time because Janie Beth isn't here to walk with us. Thank You that You are the BIG God!!! Thank You for the blessed road that we are walking, no matter the pain that it causes because it is all about Your will. Lord, make that the desire of my heart!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
The thing is, without Janie Beth we might not get to be a part of God's work in this place. Janie Beth has brought us where we are. She has made my faith real, but I still have so far to go. She has brought us to the point of being willing to let go and let God have the reigns; to trust Him completely. I mean, why not!?! He has brought me through an F5 tornado in my life! He has done things in my heart that I didn't even know needed to be done. He is still changing me. The desires of my heart are so different today then they were November 1, 2009.
I want so badly to love on and hold my baby girl again, but since I can't I will walk loving her and holding her ever so close in my heart. I will share the love of Jesus with others so that they too can know what it is like to live a life of faith. I will do my best to love deeper, care more, and reach out wider than I ever have before. This new year will be full of new things! It is what I do with those new things that matters. I will chose to use those things, whatever they are and however they appear, to the glory of God!
We are entering a new year. We are moving further from Janie Beth's time on earth, but closer to our time with her in Heaven. I will do my best to not look back too much, but to learn to bring her with me.
God is at work! I am so excited to see what He is going to do even if I have a hole and a little sadness.
Thank You, Abba for changing my perspective!! Help me keep my eyes on You.