Completely drained

Arrangements: Saturday January 9- visitation at Berryhill Funeral Home 4-6
Sunday January 10- Celebration of Life at Whitesburg Baptist Church (main Campus) 2:30

I was going to update yesterday, but as my title to this post says, I was completely drained. The hardest part of the day, while I walked it, was buying her dress and lamb. We bought some pretty little socks and a headband so we can see her beautiful head of hair. Who would ever want to have to buy the clothes that their child is going to be buried in!?! It was almost like ripping out my heart. And then, as I am walking through the mall I wonder if people can see my deep pain. I know they can't, but I somewhat cry out for them to from my heart. I want to hold my baby, not put her in the ground. I am thankful that it is only her body going in the ground and not her life.

I was worried about going to the funeral home. We prayed in the parking lot and I got upset some while we waited to meet with the director, but once he came out he took away any pain I felt at that time. He was wonderful!!! I am so thankful that God lead us to this funeral home. He sets you completely at ease. When we left I even told Joey that I should be sad after doing that, but I was totally at peace.

Once again I am thankful to God for placing special people in our lives during this time because the cemetary also has a special lady. She has known Joey and his family for years. She sets you at ease also. We drove out and picked Janie Beth's spot. She will be right in front of Sarah Beth. :) We also ordered her headstone. It is BEAUTIFUL!!! While Joey and I were designing it, I asked if we were really doing this. It didn't feel like I was doing this for my baby, at that moment. Once we got in the car, I told Joey that it would all catch up with me that evening.

God so graciously carried me through those very difficult moments!! And, like I said, once I sat down it all caught up to me and I felt completely and totally drained. I was drained on every level. Missing my nap didn't help either.

God blessed us when we got home with an email from our WONDERFUL photographer with a link to see our baby girl. I was so excited to see her. She is so beautiful!! God made her wonderfully! Of course, I cried and grieved that I can't go back to those moments. It makes her real to see pictures of her, and it makes the pain more real because it really did happen. She is so precious!! I miss her so very much! I am so thankful for such wonderful pictures!

It was a very long day, and God graciously brought me through it. And He will graciously bring me through today as we rearrange the bedrooms and furniture. Yesterday was so long we didn't get to the crib and bassinet. I am already heavy just thinking about it. Janie Beth would have been 1 week old today, and instead of celebrating that I am taking down the beds we set up just for her. Oh, how I long to kiss her precious head. My heart hurts so much!

Thank you so much for your prayers and comments!!! When someone asks me what I need I am beginning to tell them that I need their prayers, calls, messages, cards, anything to let me know that I am on their mind and we are not forgotten. Encouragement is one of our greatest needs at this point in the journey.

The kids are doing well. They are a little more wild and I know their bodies, minds, and souls are trying to process everything. Katie Jo has started with a fear of bad guys coming into her room, but as of right now she is fine as far as going to bed, but won't go in there without someone else. I think Josiah is acting out in order to get more attention. Eli's night tantrum about going to bed has gotten better since I have started to lay with him for just a few minutes after we sing and pray. I pray daily for wisdom and understanding in helping them along this journey and for God to stay close to them and carry them and mold them through this.

Joey and I are leaning on each other. I am so so thankful that he is walking this with me!!! I love him even more now than I did a week ago. He gave me a beautiful precious baby girl, and now he is walking this journey of grief with me. Thank you, Beloved!!!

Father God, this is Your day. May You please fill me with everything that I need for each moment today. May Your peace and love fill this home and all who are in it as we face another difficult day. Please help me remember that we are not leaving Janie Beth behind by taking down her beds and moving forward. She is coming with us because she will always be in my heart. May You guide us and bless us on this journey today. I hurt, Abba. Please go deeper than my hurt and begin to heal me!! Thank You for carrying me so close right now. I love You! In Jesus's name I pray. Amen

January 4, 2010

I meant to get on yesterday and update during the afternoon, but my computer is having issues. I am using Joey's right now. The parking went ok. We even went in a different door since the kids didn't come with us. I think in a couple weeks when we go back it will be more difficult because we will be back in our old routine.

Worship was wonderful. The music was beautiful. It made me so thankful that I am washed in the blood of the Lamb so that one day I will see my precious Janie Beth again. We sang "Washed in the Blood of the Lamb", "Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)", "When I think about the Lord", and "Hear the Call of the Kingdom". Each one spoke to me in a different way.

"Washed in the Blood of the Lamb":
Janie Beth is washed in the blood as am I. We will one day be together again. Jesus died for both of us. She is white as snow right now in God's eyes!!

"Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)"
WOW!!!! Grace is what I am leaning on every moment. I wish I had a copy of all the words we sang because they fit so well.

"When I Think About the Lord"
He will heal me. He healed Janie Beth. He will fill me. He loves me.

"Hear the Call of the Kingdom"
We have no idea what our journey is doing for the Kingdom. We are to walk with Jesus and show Him to others.

The message was about giving. It started in I Timothy 6:17-19. It talks about giving, financially. We have to realize that everything belongs to God. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." -Job That is extremely hard to say sometimes. My heart hurts so much because Janie Beth was taken away, but we had given her to God in the beginning before we ever knew anything was wrong. I did apologize to God last night because if He had left it up to me, I would not have given her back to Him in death. Abraham was one amazing man of faith!! Job 41:11 says "Everything under the heaven is Mine." That pretty much says it all! God does know what is for the best because He is all-knowing.

Job 42:5 "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You." (Can you tell what book in the Bible I turned to during the sermon? lol) How true this is for me right now! My eyes truly see what all God has taught me. The songs we sang meant more because I have experienced God in a more intimate way than I ever have. I am having to Lean on His Everlasting Arms moment by moment. He is more real to me. Oh, how I wish I could have experienced Him in an intimate way through something good!!!! Why does it always take tragedy!?!

Today is going to be a very difficult day!!! Joey and I are going to meet with the funeral home, we think, and the cemetary. My baby girl really isn't coming home. Ouch! We are also going to take her crib down. This makes reality even more real. Oh, how I want to feel her and hold her and kiss her and talk to her. I would love to watch her sleep in that crib. The pain goes so deep, and only God can go deeper. I have put a couple pictures on the frig that the kids took, and I could stand there and stare at them for hours. I even touch them. I opened up the lotion I put on her last night so I could smell her. Just a waft filled my eyes with tears. She is so beautiful and precious.

I am thankful that God's peace is with me. That is the main thing I do not want to lose during this journey. I need that reassurance. I am thankful that God gives me good moments in with the bad moments. I am so thankful to Jesus that He died for me and I am washed in His blood and I will one day enter Heaven too. What a day of rejoicing that will be! To see Janie Beth, but even more to see the One who loved me enough to die for me. His sacrifice is more real to me now. The fact that He loves my baby girl even more than I do, and loves me that much also. WOW!! Once again, it took tragedy for me to draw nearer in this way.

Just a side note, I sit around most of the day with the scent of cabbage about me. :) Thank you for your many prayers! I can feel them, and when I am having a really rough moment I ask God to burden the saints to pray. Today will be hard on many levels, and your prayers will be needed every time we cross your mind. Thank you!!! (sorry I went so long, I hope it all makes some semblence of sense.)

Worship

Joey and I have decided to go to worship this morning. We need the fellowship of others and feel God's arms wrapped around us. We know this is going to be very hard, especially since so many do not know yet due to the church offices being closed the past week and a half. I am looking forward to going, and am so thankful for such a wonderful church family.

We have been parking in the expectant mom/new mom parking spots, and it will be difficult to not fit there anymore. I have had some trouble parking there since we found out Janie Beth's diagnosis, but God is faithful. He will help me adjust to our new parking situation.

My precious Janie Beth is worshipping our Father in person today as we meet to worship here. Oh the joy that must be on her face!!!! She looks even more beautiful than she did in her time here. How wonderful to imagine!

Thank you for your continued prayers for peace and strength and faith. We continue to take things one moment at a time. If you wouldn't mind praying for my milk to go down too. It is a wee bit uncomfortable. :)

May the Lord bless you all richly for blessing us so very much!!!

Arrangements

I know many of you are wondering about what our plans for Janie Beth. Due to the holidays and some special people travelling we will be doing her visitation next Saturday, Jan 9, and a Celebration of Life on Sunday, Jan 10. We will know for sure the details on Monday, and I will post them. We want her celebration to be just right, so we want certain people to be there, and I want to be feeling a little more capable physically.

I want to say THANK YOU for your prayers today!!! I have felt God's peace more today than yesterday and I know your prayers have a lot to do with it.

Peace

Peace has been one of my main prayer request over the passing weeks. I love the feeling of God's peace!! It is something that you cannot explain in words to anyone unless they have felt it too. We experienced it all throughout our stay in the hospital and time with Janie Beth, but since coming home it isn't always there. There are times when the pain is greater than the peace. I don't always feel God's presence, but I know He is here! This is when I have to walk by faith and not by sight. Faith isn't about emotions, it is about the Truth. And so, I have to focus on God and His word and repeat it and read it often to get it in my head. Eventually, my heart will catch up also.

We are so so sad!! I am so extremely thankful to have Joey walking with me on this journey. I can't imagine anyone else I could do it with. God made our match in Heaven! :)

I have been holding my pink Janie Beth lamb more. She actually slept with me last night. I know many of you will think I am crazy, but it helps my arms not hurt so much.

We have the daunting task of packing up Janie Beth's things ahead of us, and it is something I don't really want to face. I think about looking in Katie Jo's room and there being only one bed and it breaks my heart. I think about looking where her bassinet is and only seeing a bench. It is like her mark is leaving us, but once again I can't listen to my emotions because her mark will forever be on my heart and in my life. She is so beautiful and I can't wait to have pictures of her up in the house.

My precious Janie Beth is a child of God. She is so much more than an angel. She is saved by grace. Jesus died for her and has her name written on His hand. How powerful is that!?! I am jealous of God because He gets to see her and hear her voice. Oh, how I long to hear her call me "Mommy" and say "I love you".

Father, please help me. It hurts so badly and it is a hurt only You can mend. It goes so deep that only You can go deeper. Abba, write my faith for this day moment by moment. Please fill me with all that I need for every moment. May we continue to see Your blessings as we walk this dark valley. Thank You for Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Janie Beth. Thank You even more for Joey! May You continue to bless us and keep us. May You continue to make Your face shine upon us and gracious unto us. May You continue to lift up Your countenance upon us and give us Your peace. I love You!! I need You more than anything right now. Thank You for never leaving my side even when I can't feel You there. Thank You for the peace-filled moments! In Jesus's name I pray. Amen

Truth

My last post makes it sound like I am doing really well. Well, the truth is I never know from moment to moment how I will feel. This moment is sad and hard. God graciously gives me hope-filled moments and peace-filled moments also, but these sad moments are so hard.

Thank you for your continued prayers!!

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. Father, draw close to me and rescue me. Supply the manna that I need for this day, for this moment, for this hour. I love You, My helper!

Prayer

I am posting a prayer that was in a devotional I got this morning. I tweaked it to be mine instead of for all who read it. God never ceases to amaze me in His timing!!!!! This came to me through Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Father in heaven, thank You that You are All Authority in heaven and on earth. Thank You that You led me here today. You know my every need, my deepest desires, and my hurting places. Lord, as I seek to know You more, would You open the eyes of my heart to see the wonderful things in Your law?

Father, I confess that so often I live a life that does not honor You. My actions and my words seem so far from You. But, I do want to live a life that pleases You, so I ask today for You to soften my heart to receive what Your sweet Spirit has to speak to me. Give me a hunger and a thirst for Your Word. As You reveal it to me, help me through the power of Your Holy Spirit to listen and obey. You tell me Your Word is living and active, like a double-edged sword. Father, I invite You to use it now to penetrate the deepest recesses in my heart.

Give me a heart that desires You and Your Truth above all else. Your Word tells me that if I lack Wisdom, I need only ask and You will give it liberally. So I ask today for a fresh filling of Your Wisdom. Give me the strength to walk in Your Truth, no matter the cost. Guard me heart and keep my eyes fixed on You. Grow in me the fruit of Your Spirit…those things that will make me more like You. As I study Your Word, fill me and saturate me with more of You!!

Today, Father, I surrender my past and look to the future, thanking You that I am a new creation. No matter what I have done before today, I have Hope in You to take all things and use them for Your good and the good of Your Kingdom. Thank You that You are Faithful. Thank You that I can make my plans but You will direct my steps. I trust in You to do a mighty work in me through this year and carry it on to completion until the day I step into eternity with You.

Lord, I love You. Make my life a living testimony of Your Love. I ask this in the powerful and mighty name of Your Son, Jesus Christ my Lord who will do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. AMEN.

Janie Beth has already begun to answer this prayer in so many ways. I have been praying so much of this over the last year, maybe not such eloquent words, but the desire of my heart the same. Janie Beth has brought me closer to God than I have ever been. The verses that this prayer pulls in have been my verses this past year. I wish I was entering this year with Janie Beth in my arms, but if she was I wouldn't have gotten the answer to some of my prayers. How can someone so tiny do something so big!?! I miss her terribly and I know this journey is going to be long, but I know Who sees where it is leading and that He is doing all things for our good. This new year is in God's hands even more than this last year was, at least in my heart. :) He was in just as much control in 2009, but I didn't acknowledge it all the time. It is by God's grace that I make it moment by moment right now. I am so thankful for the memories I have of Janie Beth. I will never forget her grasping my finger or opening her eyes to look at me. She is so precious.

God, thank you for blessing me so much!!! Abba, it is only by Your grace that I woke up this morning. Please fill me with all that I need to get through today. May Your loving arms enfold me and my family as we walk a road so unknown. Thank You for the sun that is shining outside this morning to start this new year. Thank You for the Son that is shining on the soil of our lives and the flowers that You will grow in it over this new year. Thank You, Abba Father, for the peace that passes understanding in my heart, and for carrying me each moment of the day. Through Your mercies I am not consumed, for Your compassions fail not and they are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness!!!! I am Leaning on Your Everlasting Arms. Thank You, Jesus, that I have direct access to God through You. Thank You, God, that You understand my pain. I love You!!! In Jesus's precious and holy name I pray. Amen