"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Completely drained

Arrangements: Saturday January 9- visitation at Berryhill Funeral Home 4-6
Sunday January 10- Celebration of Life at Whitesburg Baptist Church (main Campus) 2:30

I was going to update yesterday, but as my title to this post says, I was completely drained. The hardest part of the day, while I walked it, was buying her dress and lamb. We bought some pretty little socks and a headband so we can see her beautiful head of hair. Who would ever want to have to buy the clothes that their child is going to be buried in!?! It was almost like ripping out my heart. And then, as I am walking through the mall I wonder if people can see my deep pain. I know they can't, but I somewhat cry out for them to from my heart. I want to hold my baby, not put her in the ground. I am thankful that it is only her body going in the ground and not her life.

I was worried about going to the funeral home. We prayed in the parking lot and I got upset some while we waited to meet with the director, but once he came out he took away any pain I felt at that time. He was wonderful!!! I am so thankful that God lead us to this funeral home. He sets you completely at ease. When we left I even told Joey that I should be sad after doing that, but I was totally at peace.

Once again I am thankful to God for placing special people in our lives during this time because the cemetary also has a special lady. She has known Joey and his family for years. She sets you at ease also. We drove out and picked Janie Beth's spot. She will be right in front of Sarah Beth. :) We also ordered her headstone. It is BEAUTIFUL!!! While Joey and I were designing it, I asked if we were really doing this. It didn't feel like I was doing this for my baby, at that moment. Once we got in the car, I told Joey that it would all catch up with me that evening.

God so graciously carried me through those very difficult moments!! And, like I said, once I sat down it all caught up to me and I felt completely and totally drained. I was drained on every level. Missing my nap didn't help either.

God blessed us when we got home with an email from our WONDERFUL photographer with a link to see our baby girl. I was so excited to see her. She is so beautiful!! God made her wonderfully! Of course, I cried and grieved that I can't go back to those moments. It makes her real to see pictures of her, and it makes the pain more real because it really did happen. She is so precious!! I miss her so very much! I am so thankful for such wonderful pictures!

It was a very long day, and God graciously brought me through it. And He will graciously bring me through today as we rearrange the bedrooms and furniture. Yesterday was so long we didn't get to the crib and bassinet. I am already heavy just thinking about it. Janie Beth would have been 1 week old today, and instead of celebrating that I am taking down the beds we set up just for her. Oh, how I long to kiss her precious head. My heart hurts so much!

Thank you so much for your prayers and comments!!! When someone asks me what I need I am beginning to tell them that I need their prayers, calls, messages, cards, anything to let me know that I am on their mind and we are not forgotten. Encouragement is one of our greatest needs at this point in the journey.

The kids are doing well. They are a little more wild and I know their bodies, minds, and souls are trying to process everything. Katie Jo has started with a fear of bad guys coming into her room, but as of right now she is fine as far as going to bed, but won't go in there without someone else. I think Josiah is acting out in order to get more attention. Eli's night tantrum about going to bed has gotten better since I have started to lay with him for just a few minutes after we sing and pray. I pray daily for wisdom and understanding in helping them along this journey and for God to stay close to them and carry them and mold them through this.

Joey and I are leaning on each other. I am so so thankful that he is walking this with me!!! I love him even more now than I did a week ago. He gave me a beautiful precious baby girl, and now he is walking this journey of grief with me. Thank you, Beloved!!!

Father God, this is Your day. May You please fill me with everything that I need for each moment today. May Your peace and love fill this home and all who are in it as we face another difficult day. Please help me remember that we are not leaving Janie Beth behind by taking down her beds and moving forward. She is coming with us because she will always be in my heart. May You guide us and bless us on this journey today. I hurt, Abba. Please go deeper than my hurt and begin to heal me!! Thank You for carrying me so close right now. I love You! In Jesus's name I pray. Amen


  1. Michelle, I will continue to pray that God will provide you the strength to continue doing all the things that have to be done. I pray that God will give you rest and peace so that your body can recover, too. I hope that everything will go smoothly in the coming days and that God will be glorified above all. May God bless you all.

  2. Michelle, you are so very loved and deeply cared for. By your Heavenly Father, who knows the hurt in your heart. By your wonderful Beloved Joey, who God gave you to walk with you. And by so many, many people who hurt with you and lift you up in prayer. Janie Beth is whole and healthy now! Praise God for that! God will give you all you need each moment through it all. I am praying for you!!!

  3. Reading all of your posts takes me back to when I went thru the same thing. I had done shopping for my daughters dress the day before I went in to deliver. You are so right...no one should ever have to do that. You and your family continue to be in our thoughts and prayers daily.

  4. Oh, honey, I have been thinking about you every day! I want you to know that even though we've never met, I am your Sister in Christ, a fellow fishie, and someone who cares about you! Just keep breathing, Michelle. The One who holds the planets in orbit is putting your tears in His bottle.

    Psalm 56:8 - You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?

  5. I just a little talk with Jesus and your needs were taken to HIm... grace, peace, strength, in Jesus' Name. We love you, Michelle, and are strengthened by your commitment to the Lord through this time. However, you will have rough days as your mind continues on this journey. One day at a time, sweet Jesus... He is ever faithful!

  6. Love you! Praying for stength as you work on the furniture today. Please remember yourself physically. You did just give birth. Allow yourself to take it slow. I'm praying!! You are in my thoughts almost constantly. Love, Jennifer

  7. Compassionate and loving God, yours is the
    beauty of childhood and yours is the fullness of years. Comfort those in their sorrow, strengthen them with hope, and breathe peace into their troubled hearts. Assure them that the love they had for Janie Beth was not in vain - indeed
    make it a part of the store of goodness you are even now pouring out upon her in your eternal kingdom. Indeed help them to bless you for the gift you gave them in her, for the joy she gave all who knew her, for the memories that will abide with them, and for the assurance that she lives forever in the joy and peace of your presence. Guide them through this time of sadness
    with the light of your love and the strength of your compassion - we ask it in the name of Christ Jesus. Amen.
    -Rachel Spencer