Peace has been one of my main prayer request over the passing weeks. I love the feeling of God's peace!! It is something that you cannot explain in words to anyone unless they have felt it too. We experienced it all throughout our stay in the hospital and time with Janie Beth, but since coming home it isn't always there. There are times when the pain is greater than the peace. I don't always feel God's presence, but I know He is here! This is when I have to walk by faith and not by sight. Faith isn't about emotions, it is about the Truth. And so, I have to focus on God and His word and repeat it and read it often to get it in my head. Eventually, my heart will catch up also.
We are so so sad!! I am so extremely thankful to have Joey walking with me on this journey. I can't imagine anyone else I could do it with. God made our match in Heaven! :)
I have been holding my pink Janie Beth lamb more. She actually slept with me last night. I know many of you will think I am crazy, but it helps my arms not hurt so much.
We have the daunting task of packing up Janie Beth's things ahead of us, and it is something I don't really want to face. I think about looking in Katie Jo's room and there being only one bed and it breaks my heart. I think about looking where her bassinet is and only seeing a bench. It is like her mark is leaving us, but once again I can't listen to my emotions because her mark will forever be on my heart and in my life. She is so beautiful and I can't wait to have pictures of her up in the house.
My precious Janie Beth is a child of God. She is so much more than an angel. She is saved by grace. Jesus died for her and has her name written on His hand. How powerful is that!?! I am jealous of God because He gets to see her and hear her voice. Oh, how I long to hear her call me "Mommy" and say "I love you".
Father, please help me. It hurts so badly and it is a hurt only You can mend. It goes so deep that only You can go deeper. Abba, write my faith for this day moment by moment. Please fill me with all that I need for every moment. May we continue to see Your blessings as we walk this dark valley. Thank You for Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Janie Beth. Thank You even more for Joey! May You continue to bless us and keep us. May You continue to make Your face shine upon us and gracious unto us. May You continue to lift up Your countenance upon us and give us Your peace. I love You!! I need You more than anything right now. Thank You for never leaving my side even when I can't feel You there. Thank You for the peace-filled moments! In Jesus's name I pray. Amen
Beautifully said.
ReplyDelete(((((HUGS)))))) "D"
ReplyDeleteWe are continuing to pray for you all. Janie Beth is so beautiful. Peace to you.
ReplyDeleteJulia
Oh, Michelle, I'm so so sorry! I love you! I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
I don't think you are crazy for wanting something in your arms. I remember reading a Christian fiction story about a young mother losing her child at childbirth. She was advised to carry around a 5 pound sack of sugar or flour to ease the ache in her arms. Then again, she lived in circumstances and time where stuffed animals were not that common.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that you're not crazy. You are normal in your feelings.
HUGS "D"
I know that ache in your arms. They are longing to hold and love Janie Beth, so hold your Janie Beth lamb and hold all the ones you love, Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli and Joey. Hold others who may be hurting too. God can use those aching arms for His glory. Then one day, you'll realize that the ache has eased. Love you, Michelle, and I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteMichelle and Joey,
ReplyDeleteHow I wish I could take away your pain! My heart aches for you. But just keep leaning on God and He will see you through this! I love you all so much!
Barbara
I agree with Heather. You hold that lamb and those children as tight as you can! God is in the process of healing those aching arms. In the meantime, do what you need to do. Love you!!!
ReplyDelete"Peace, You give me peace when the storms come & I'm afraid. Peace, You give me peace when I trust in the Words You say. You give me peace. If You can calm the sea, then You can comfort me. If winds obey Your voice, why should I fear their noise? And though my eyes can't see, I know You're with me." This is part of a song entitled "Peace" from the new Sovereign Grace kids' CD "To Be Like Jesus". A couple of other things that might help you through this trial are another SG CD entitled "Come Weary Saints" & also a book from Elyse Fitzpatrick, "A Steadfast Heart". I am so sorry for the pain you're experiencing. I want you to know that I think about y'all all the time & am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, you hold on tight and as long as you want & need to! No one is going to think you are crazy! You already have the LOVE for her, the PEACE will come in time with the PRAYER. ~ Carey Family
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