Peace has been one of my main prayer request over the passing weeks. I love the feeling of God's peace!! It is something that you cannot explain in words to anyone unless they have felt it too. We experienced it all throughout our stay in the hospital and time with Janie Beth, but since coming home it isn't always there. There are times when the pain is greater than the peace. I don't always feel God's presence, but I know He is here! This is when I have to walk by faith and not by sight. Faith isn't about emotions, it is about the Truth. And so, I have to focus on God and His word and repeat it and read it often to get it in my head. Eventually, my heart will catch up also.
We are so so sad!! I am so extremely thankful to have Joey walking with me on this journey. I can't imagine anyone else I could do it with. God made our match in Heaven! :)
I have been holding my pink Janie Beth lamb more. She actually slept with me last night. I know many of you will think I am crazy, but it helps my arms not hurt so much.
We have the daunting task of packing up Janie Beth's things ahead of us, and it is something I don't really want to face. I think about looking in Katie Jo's room and there being only one bed and it breaks my heart. I think about looking where her bassinet is and only seeing a bench. It is like her mark is leaving us, but once again I can't listen to my emotions because her mark will forever be on my heart and in my life. She is so beautiful and I can't wait to have pictures of her up in the house.
My precious Janie Beth is a child of God. She is so much more than an angel. She is saved by grace. Jesus died for her and has her name written on His hand. How powerful is that!?! I am jealous of God because He gets to see her and hear her voice. Oh, how I long to hear her call me "Mommy" and say "I love you".
Father, please help me. It hurts so badly and it is a hurt only You can mend. It goes so deep that only You can go deeper. Abba, write my faith for this day moment by moment. Please fill me with all that I need for every moment. May we continue to see Your blessings as we walk this dark valley. Thank You for Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Janie Beth. Thank You even more for Joey! May You continue to bless us and keep us. May You continue to make Your face shine upon us and gracious unto us. May You continue to lift up Your countenance upon us and give us Your peace. I love You!! I need You more than anything right now. Thank You for never leaving my side even when I can't feel You there. Thank You for the peace-filled moments! In Jesus's name I pray. Amen