With My Whole Heart

WOW!!! That is all I can say about how Amazing God's word is!! It is so full. It is alive and active. It compliments itself. It all works together. God has been showing me some awesome things and I feel as though I am on the verge of putting the pieces in the puzzle. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a major break through about to jump into the presence of God! I can't put the feeling into words that fills my heart!

I have been seeking God wholeheartedly this year. He is showing me verse after verse. They all connect; yet, they are all written years and years apart. It is so excited! The funny thing is, it catchs me off guard each time! I go in expecting God to speak to me through His word, but then He lets it all work together to reenforce itself. WOW!!!

I have also started the study Experiencing God. I cannot tell you how excited I am!! I haven't done a study like this in quite some time. I trully want to experience God this year. I was super stoked when Joey told me that he thought I should do a study this semester because it would be encouraging for me. And what study is available!?! Experiencing God. That is the aim as I seek Him with my whole heart this year. Isn't He good!?!

I have so many thoughts swarming in my head right now that I can't get them coherently down. :) I pray that God will give me time to put these amazing puzzle pieces together and begin to write about all the nuggets He is showing me.

I just wanted to hop on today and say my God is an Awesome God!!!! Worthy to be praised!!! He answers prayers in amazing ways!!! He loves me! :O That is so humbling. The fact that He is teaching me so much is humbling.

Abba, thank You! May You continue to grow me in the grace and knowledge of my Savior Jesus Christ. Continue to prune my heart so that it can seek You wholeheartedly. I want You to be my treasure. Show me Your will, Father. This is Your day. May You be lifted up and glorified through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I can't wait to share everything God is showing me!!! I feel like a little kid in a toy store. :)

The Holidays Approaching...

Bittersweet has become a word I use quite often. I use it right now to explain how the approaching holiday season feels. It is bittersweet, but in a different bittersweet way than last year's. I know that sounds crazy, and you all should know by now that I am a little bit crazy. ;)

Today marked 2 yrs since we had an u/s with our regular OB that showed Janie's limbs had not grown. Saturday marks a year since we went to UAB and saw the specialist. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 yrs!!! It seems like another life, yet it feels like a day ago as I can easily recall those days.

As I recall those days this year I am in a better place. I still miss Janie Beth with every part of my being, and I still yearn and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. It takes my breath away at moments. I cry at moments. But, the moments don't last as long, and I usually cry with a smile on my face. The yearning moments are the hard moments. There are certain pictures that make her more real to me, and those pictures bring a tear to my eye without a smile because I remember just how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I wonder what she would be like right now. Then, I picture, with my limited knowledge and imagination, how wonderful it is in heaven. I am thankful! That precious little girl called me to be a Mother.

Last year I was in a weird place. Joy Michelle was here already and I am so thankful that I had her to hold on those hard days. She took the ache out of my arms. Yet, I think i was somewhat numb. I just went through the motions. Perhaps to save myself some of the pain, I don't know. The holidays were just there. We endured them. We were blessed through them!

This year I am ready for the holidays. I want to embrace them with my children and watch the glow and delight on their faces. I want to make memories and teach them the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to live lives of thankfulness, not just a month of thankfulness. I want us to find ways to bless others. I want to celebrate my wonderful Savior who is pulling me through!

But, there is always a "but" isn't there :), being pregnant right now adds a whole new dimension to everything. I am beyond grateful to be pregnant right now and walk these days and weeks with a precious life in my womb. It is redeeming. It is healing. It is a struggle to be honest! I am fighting fear with this pregnancy that I did not fight with Joy Michelle's pregnancy. God in His mercy knew I could only handle so much last year, and He knew that Jesus and I could win this victory this year. I would have crumbled last year. This year I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms. I will feel and heal. My Redeemer only gives me what I can handle! AMEN! Now, if I would just remember that in those fearful moments. ;) Easier said than done sometimes.

This year the holidays will be different in other ways as well for our family. I do not know exactly what God is going to do, but I know He will come through because He always has in the past. It is scary, and I know that adds to my fear, but it is also exciting. Why!?! Why would this crazy woman say that it is exciting!?! Because it is God, and only God, and all God!!!! There is no me or us in this! I get to watch the hand of God move. How awesome is that!?! I have no idea where or when it is getting to move, but I know that it will. I will be like Abraham, who, contrary to hope, in hope believed (Romans 4:18).

Great and Mighty is the Lord our God! Thank You, Father, that I am in a better place. Thank You that You blessed my womb with Janie Beth. Thank You for the hope that we have in Jesus! Thank You for the Rock we have in Jesus. Thank You for the blessings You have in store for us. Thank You that You are making the path straight and smooth! You are awesome! I love You! May I come to love Jesus even more through this holiday season. May You draw me near to the heart of God. I don't want to miss the true meaning of Christmas, and I want to live a life of thankfulness at all times. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

GOD

Thank YOU, Abba!!!

Thank You for the storm! Thank You for making a way! Thank You for loving me! Thank You for washing me clean through this storm! Thank You that the lightning and thunder are breaking me down and giving You the freedom to mold me as You see fit! Thank You for the rain that You have brought into my life. Thank You for loving me enough to bring the storm and to take the time to revamp this old piece of pottery that was useless! May I only be usefull through Your strength! Father, I need You. Thank You for bringing me this far. I know the storm isn't over and this won't be the last storm I will walk through, but I thank You for being right beside me the whole time and cheering me on and beckoning me to come closer. Thank You for calling me to be Janie Beth's mother. Thank You for calling me to mother Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Joy Schelle. Thank You for calling me to be Joey's wife. Thank You for calling me at all to do anything! I never could have imagined all that You have done in me. I needed a Savior more than I could have ever realized. I cannot put into words how thankful I am for Janie Beth and the amazing journey she has brought me on. Neither can I put into words how thankful I am that You were gracious enough to lend me Joy Schelle to raise. Thank You for the journey Joey and I, and the kids, are on with the evangelism ministry and whatever else You have in store for us. We can't imagine the wonderful things You have planned for us. In the storm it is hard to see, but I will look back to the rainbows You have provided and I will believe. Thank You for loving my family and bring us through this storm. Make us what You want us. Make our desires Your desires. May we be a family after Your own heart. May we fall in love with You! Thank You for always being there for us! You are the same yesterday, today, and forever!!!! You are great and mighty!!! You are awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Please break my chains completely and set me completely free. Thank You for Your grace! Thank You for Your mercy! Thank You for being I AM! You are all we will ever need. Thank You for my family! Thank You for calling us deeper! We knew it wouldn't be easy, but it is blessed, even if the blessings are different than expected. May we never miss one of Your blessings!

Lord, break this fallow ground. Circumcise my heart. Be big! I want to sow bountifully so that Your kingdom will reap bountifully!! I love You, Jesus, shine through me.

Thank You, Abba!!! Thank You Jesus!!

18 Month

Hard to believe that I just typed "18 months"!!! I can just imagine how cute you would have been toddling around our house at 18 months. I do wonder what your laugh would sound like and how your hugs would feel. I also wonder just how amazing it is up there in Heaven! I can't begin to imagine how wonderful it is. I would never ever want to call you back from there. But, I do long to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and tell you "I love you". You are etched forever in my heart and you are on my mind each and every day.

I will say that I am doing well. I am happy and blessed! I still have days that are sad or hard, and circumstances that are hard. I even have moments within a good day that might take my breath away. But, overall I am in a good place. You, Janie Beth, have made me appreciate what all I have. I am amazed that God gave you to me. I am amazed that God gave me your 4 siblings to raise. I am amazed that God gave me your Daddy to walk through this life with. I am amazed at the many blessings God has and continues to give me. You have swelled my heart to overflowing, Janie Beth!

Thank You, Abba, for chosing me to be Janie Beth's mommy! It is a hard hard road to walk, but it is a road that I get to walk with You. It is a road that molds me into what You want me to be. It is the road that You have chosen for me. It is the road that I am called to, and I know that You will equip me for whatever You call me to do. You, Lord, are changing me! It is painful and hard, but necessary. Without Your calling to be Janie Beth's mother I wouldn't know You like I do, and for that I thank You! Thank You for blessing me. Thank You for getting me through the last 18 months and for continuing to get me through each and every day. It is by Your grace that I awake in the morning and lay my head down to rest at night. I love You! May You continue to break down the walls around my heart and mold me into the woman You have called me to be. May You continue to bless Janie Beth's journey through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Really?

I have to say that I was amazed when I laid down last night and pulled out One Thousand Gifts! I wrote in my previous post that thankfulness/eucharisteo grows faith and trust and brings peace. Little did I know that is exactly what I would read last night. I am so thankful that God is teaching me!

I was pondering the different issues we are facing with our children. I have been praying for wisdom to know exactly what to do with each of them. There is anger and whining/complaining. What can overcome them? I do not struggle that much with anger, so I have really been at a loss. I knew what to overcome the complaining with though; you need to replace it with thankfulness. Then, after reading last night, I realized that the answer to anger is also thankfulness.

What? It is that simple?
God says," the answer is simple, but the act is not."
Then how do I do it?
You lead by example.
But I am just learning. I am not qualified!
Learn together. Let them know you struggle too; they aren't alone. And I do not call the qualified and equipped! I equip the called!
First step?
Be audible.

Then, this morning God takes me even deeper! Don't you love how He does that!?!

I was reading through Psalm 4 the other day and God really opened my eyes.
Verse 4-5
Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the Lord.

I know the beginning of the verse by heart, but I had never taken the time to read it all, or to read the next verse; to let them soak in. Do not act in the moment. Go to your room/ get away and meditate. (sometimes this is just inn your mind while you sit quietly before speaking) What do I meditate on? Can I go over and over again how this should go and how I am not in the wrong? Can I just let the anger consume me?
Well, that wouldn't be offering the sacrifice of righteousness, now would it. That isn't putting my trust in God.
Then, what in the world do I meditate on?
Thankfulness! Thank God for the moment. Thank Him for the argument. Thank Him for what He is trying to teach you. Meditate on His word, on Him. By being thankful, I am putting my trust in Him! It is acknowledging that He has this under control and He doesn't want me to sin. He wants righteousness, and that takes trust! How does it take trust? Well, what if you are right, which we all are in our own eyes. Laying it down to Him and trusting that He is going to work it all out.
WOW!! This is tuff stuff!! I think I will be spending a lot of time on my bed, by myself and with others trying to learn the art of eucharisteo. Being thankful in the hard moments and listening to God.

As I was beginning to type the verse for the anger, I thought about the verse for complaining.
Philippians 2:14-18
Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice.

Once again, I haven't really let the following verses set in! I knew that living without complaining and disputing made you blameless. When I thought about this verse a little bit ago, I realized that thankfulness is the key to being blameless. But, I missed the point!
Why does it make me blameless? Because it makes me a light. I stand out. I am different from the crooked and perverse generation. How? Being thankful is not the norm. How can you be thankful when you have every right to complain? I carried a baby for 34 wks that would pass into the arms of Jesus. I knew for 6 of those weeks that she would leave me upon entering this world. According to the world, I had every right to complain and dispute. Did I? Some days yes! But, I was thankful far more. Peace reigned in me through that time by thankfulness.
It was/is a sacrifice! It is a drink offering because I am willing to drink in my circumstances and sing praises to God with them. It is a service of my faith because I am acknowledging that God is in control and I am trusting Him even though I do not like the circumstances. It is clinging to the word of life!

It isn't just the big things. It can be the mundane every day mess. I will drink the dishwasher in and pour it out to God in thanksgiving. It will change my heart and it will make me blameless. I will look crazy to the world!

Both of these are hard! They take time and effort. It takes physical therapy to recondition our hearts to be full of thankfulness. To turn from our wicked ways of anger and complaining. But, I am going to take the challenge, and I am going to challenge my family to do the same. May my children become vessels of thankfulness because they saw it in me!

Abba Father, I have failed You so many times, and I know I will continue to fail You, but You are always there teaching me. Thank You!! Forgive me. Mold my heart, Lord. Condition it to be the way You want it to be. May I look for Your praise and not the praise of man. Make me a light in this crooked and perverse generation. May You continue to shape my family. I love You!!! Thank You for loving me so very much! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

One Thousand Gifts/ Thankfulness

I have found the library!!! I know that sounds funny. We have been going to the library for a long time, but it never occurred to me to check out new books that I wanted to read. LOL I happened upon One Thousand Gifts when I was checking out some biographies on George Muller, and I was so excited! It was on my wishlist. Let me tell you, it is amazing!!! She was searching for so many of the same things I am searching for. The book is about being thankful, eucharisteo. I really can't put it into words because she does so well.

God taught me about thankfulness quite sometime ago. I have worked through a lot and had to learn to be thankful for my past. I am so glad that God taught me that lesson before Janie Beth! It has given me the ability to look back on her life and be thankful; at least most of the time. Thankfulness brings peace. It recognizes that God is in control. Thankfulness puts the focus on God and gives me perspective. I had never thought of thankfulness the way that Ann Voskamp writes about. The journey God took her on is wonderful. Thankfulness is a sacrifice sometimes. That is another lesson God had already begun teaching me, but I am learning so much more. The last few days of noticing everything have brought me so much closer to God! I can feel the Holy Spirit so close. Thank You, Abba!!! Thankfulness deepens your faith and helps you grow. It brings trust to another level.

Here is the beginning of my list of gifts. :) I am trying to take more pictures too. I want to truly enjoy life and live it more abundantly!

1. Pancakes baking
2. syrup dripping

3. sticky smiles and hands
4. the promise of my promised land
5. pearls of water on pink roses climbing up to the heavens

6. cute kid words (jingles instead jenga :) )
7. playing games
8. wet dew between my toes; God's morning drink to His creation!
9. a husband of faith
10. the bright colors of the UNO cards when they are dropped on the floor
11. long hair that can hang over the shoulder
12. pretty toes ;) Can you guess!?!

Yep, Eli!!!

13. walks in the evening with the family
14. the sun poking through the gray clouds
15. the sounds of little voices singing God's praises
16. chatting with a good friend
17. water falls

18. walking through gardens

19. the sound of pages being turned by little hands in the car
20. Libraries
21. the ability to read
22. daisies :)

23. mama birds on their eggs

24. slushies during "happy hour" at Sonic

25. for this view...

Thanks Poppa for mowing the other day!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last year it was all about Janie Beth. It was her Thanksgiving, as it would probably be the only one she would attend. I have never called holidays the kids first when I am still pregnant with them, but Janie Beth was different. There would be no first after she was born except the first one she wasn't here for. I am so thankful for that precious day with her, but I wish I had a picture. I remember sitting at the table last year feeling completely alone while everyone else talked and laughed.

This year will be smaller, and I have so much to be thankful for!

I am thankful for my heavenly Father; His Son that gave His life for me; and His Spirit that He left with me until He returns!!!

I am thankful for an awesome husband who is my best friend!

I am thankful for each and every one of my kiddos, all 5 of them! They have each changed me in different ways.

I am thankful for my extended family. God knows the family you need to be a part of.

I am thankful for the friends that God has blessed me with! I just have to say they are awesome and the best. :)

I am thankful for my babyloss friends that I have only met online, even if the circumstances are hard! They let me know I am not alone and my feelings are normal.

I am thankful for having my basic needs being met.

I am thankful for the blessings each day.

I am thankful for a loving church family.

I am thankful for all that I went through the last 28 years because it has all made me who I am today and has brought me where I am today.

I am thankful that God is working all things together for my family's good and His glory!

I am thankful that I get to stay home with my kids and homeschool them!

I am thankful for hugs and kisses every day.

I am thankful for the grace and mercy that God pours out on me each and every day.

I am thankful that God carries me through each day, especially the hard ones.

I am thankful that God writes my faith; therefore, I can have it even when I do not feel it. It is a choice.

I am thankful for all that God has taught me and for all that He is going to teach me.

It all boils down to being thankful for all that God has done; all that He is doing; and all that He is going to do!

THANK YOU
For all that You've done, I will thank You

For all that You're going to do
For all that You've promised and all that You are
Is all that has carried me through
Jesus, I thank You

and I thank You
thank You Lord
and I thank You
thank You Lord

Thank You for loving and setting me free
Thank You for giving Your life just for me
How I thank You
Jesus, I thank You
I gratefully thank You
And I thank You

November 16, 2009

Here I sit one year later. Up until this day last year I really thought everything would be ok with Janie Beth, she was just going to possibly have dwarfism. On November 16, 2009, I went to my regular OB. We had an appointment with a specialist on the 19th, but had already scheduled to have another ultrasound with my regular OB the 16th before the other appointment was scheduled. I really didn't think we would get the ultrasound since we were going to UAB on Thursday, but to our surprise we got one. (I so wish we had it recorded!!!) We were checking to see if her legs had grown or gotten further behind.

Back up a minute... At my last appointment before this, I had asked the NP if we could have another u/s to see how her growth was, and then if the legs had not grown or gotten further behind then I wanted to see a specialist. Well, my OB called me and said that it would be better to go ahead and set up the appointment because they can take a while to get you in.

So, the ultrasound. Her legs measured at exactly the same as they had 6 weeks before. I am not sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't really it. After that u/s my sinking feeling was much stronger, although I never would have guessed the news we would find out Nov. 19.

I never really considered what the month of November would feel like for me. I knew her birthday would be hard, but I hadn't thought about the weeks leading up to it that were all about her. I hadn't left room to think about what I would have done differently. It slapped me in the face! Here I am one year later at the beginning of this journey that I had no idea where it would be taking me.

I am so thankful for the steps God has helped me take!! There are still so many more to take! My pain is deeper than I let myself think. I am once again praying for God to go deeper than my pain because He is the only one who can.

He brought me to Lamentations 3 just the other day. Those verses were a rock for me, and I believe He was reminding me to not forget them now! Then, on Sunday we sang Leaning on the Everlasting Arms! Ok, God, I get it! I need to lean on You again. It was hard to sing that song. It brought me back to our old church, to Janie Beth.

We are entering a hard 6 weeks. There are so many anniversaries in these coming weeks, so many things to remind me of Janie Beth. I still miss her so much!!!! I wonder what she would look like, and what her personality would be. I try hard to remember what it felt like to hold her, but her feel is almost gone because time keeps going.

I am so thankful to be able to hold Joy Michelle during these weeks. All I really want to do is sit and hold her. I want to drink her in. I finally cleaned the crib out of all the clothes Sunday night and put her in it for the first time. I was flooded with multiple emotions. I look at Joy and I am overwhelmed with the grace of God. I think it is finally sinking in a bit that she is mine. I am letting myself love her more. I didn't even realize I wasn't letting myself until reading another bloggers post. After reading her post, I went to town getting her clothes organized and her crib ready for her. I talk to her more. I just love her.

What a journey! Thank You Abba for walking with me and carrying me! Thank You for writing my faith and being strong where I am weak! Thank You for allowing me to Lean on Your Everlasting Arms!!! I love You! May You be glorified through my journey of living after Janie Beth. Please give her a special hug for me! Tell her I love her. Please heal my heart, Lord. I need You.

I AM

"I AM" WOW! That is what those words should make me say. Those 2 little words have enormous power behind them. Exodus 3:14; And God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." WOW! What is there for me to fear when I have I AM, and I AM is ALL I need!

Yesterday morning, I was up at 3am. My sister was going to be induced at 5am. My devotion was about I AM! I knew God had my devotions be exactly what they were supposed to be yesterday. He always meets me right where I am, and knows exactly what I need. I was honored to be in the L&D room with her and help her through her labor, but I had no idea how this would affect me. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would intercede for me on my behalf because I really didn't have a clue where my emotions would go. Then, I read that He is I AM.

Here is an excerpt from The One Year Book of Hope (p.226)
I AM a Redeemer who has orchestrated every aspect of your life to prepare you to serve others. I AM with you wherever you go, leading and guiding you. I AM the One who will enable you to do what I've called you to do. I AM everything you need.

How much better can you get than that!?!

You see, I had another engagement yesterday afternoon that was very important to me, so I had to just let go of yesterday (which I should do everyday!) and allow God to direct my steps and the guide the day. I had to leave the hospital at 1:00pm. My sister was at 9cm. I really enjoyed, as weird as that sounds, being in the room with her and helping her out. My mom was her real coach and her husband was her squeeze object. :) But, I had to take over the coaching at times, and I got to rub her back. I have had epidurals with all of my children, but Joy Michelle will be a natural delivery for me, so this helped to prepare me for that as well.

I really didn't have trouble being at the hospital and in the same places that I was with Janie Beth. God always gives me just what I need. There was a moment when we first went back that we turned a corner to go to her L&D room, and I longed to run to L&D 6 to be where my baby girl had been. I had a couple other moments when the stark reality of how different our journey's are hit me, but I did well, God is strong where I am weak.

It was hard to me to leave her at 1! I wanted to stay and help her push and take pictures, but that was not God's plan. I felt bad leaving her, but I also knew that I wasn't supposed to be there, that wasn't part of my journey this time. I admit that I cried a lot in the car to our next destination. The emotions of the morning caught up with me. The reality that they would get to hold their baby girl and feed her and feel the warmth of her body hit me too. I am so very happy for them!!! Yet, my heart hurt to hold and feed my baby girl.

But, yet again, God is gracious and His timing truly is perfect!!! My husband and I had to leave the hospital to go to an interview about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and the impact they had on our lives. As I was leaving my sister to welcome her baby, I was going to talk about my heavenly baby. :) I don't get to talk about her very often, so I love any opportunity I can get! I do not know that words could ever express how NILMDTS touched our lives. To have pictures of those moments is priceless. She captured moments that had no idea were there, and we are beyond grateful.

Not only did I get to talk about my heavenly Janie Beth, I got to celebrate Joy Michelle. The photographer from the paper was going to take some pictures of Kelly taking pictures, so she snapped some maternity shots of Joy Michelle. :)

August 12, 2010 was a very blessed day for me!!! God graciously orchestrated things to go just the way He wanted. My precious niece, Gwyn Michelle, was born healthy. I got to share Janie Beth and enjoy Joy Michelle.

Due to my leaving the hospital, I was afraid that I would not get to see my children see their new cousin and hold her. I felt that maybe that would be best for me, but they haven't gotten to hold her yet because she was squeaking, so she went to the nursery for a bit. It will be part of my journey to see them hold her. I did hear how they reacted in the hallway to seeing her, and it brought a smile to my face as well as a tear to my eye as I know what they would be like with Janie Beth. The squeaking Gwyn made, I have no doubt, is part of the reason God didn't have her there before I left because that is the noise Janie Beth made when she tried to breathe. She is fine though, and doing fantastic.

This has brought me to a turn on the road of my grief. I really thought I would have dealt more with babies coming home because I had a friend who brought her baby home just a couple months after Janie Beth was born, but I really didn't. I think I somewhat lived through her, and now I will allow God to heal another part of the pain that is deep in my heart. I miss Janie Beth a lot!! But, I am going to enjoy the beautiful little girl God brought into this world, even if I cry while I smile. :) Gwyn Michelle and Joy Michelle will, I pray, be best of buds!!

I AM is AWESOME!!! Without Him I don't want to think about how my day would have gone. And, I pray that as I release the pain that I believe I have been bottling up the last few weeks anticipating Gwyn's arrival, God will help me become the wife, mother, and woman (and Aunt :)) that He has called me to be.

Thank You, Abba, for being my I AM!!! I love You and I never cease to be amazed by the grace and mercy You give me each day! May You be lifted up and glorified in my life and through my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

5 Months

Well, it has been 5 months since I saw her alive and held her as she breathed her last. Five months since the day that was all about her. On this day, I often wish I could go back and re-live that day to feel her in my arms and feel her squeeze my finger and see her look at me. To watch her heartbeat rise as her siblings sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. Five months later and I still miss you so much. As we go through today, I will often think of what we were doing at this time on December 30, 2009.

I have actually had a couple dreams about Janie Beth in the last several days. She lived, but we weren't sure for how long she would live. One we were in the hospital still and the one last night she actually got to come home. Although, I wonder if it is her or the new baby that I am dreaming about. But, the baby looks just like JB.

I miss you baby girl! I still love you completely! I still picture what it would look like if you were here. You have touched my life forever and changed me in ways I never thought possible. I am praying that I will keep a grateful attitude today and keep my perspective on God. No regrets today, just remembering the special day that was yours.

Abba Father, please come and hold me today. May You continue to heal my broken heart and fill the cracks with Your grace. May You go deeper than my pain as only You can do. Meet me at worship today. I love You! Please tell my baby girl that I love her too. You are so good to me and I thank You for December 30, 2009 and the wonderful memories from that day. May I never forget. May You continue to mold me through this journey. Father, please continue to wrap Your precious arms around Josie, Greyson, and Will. May You comfort their mommy's and let them know You are with them. May You do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ever ask or think in their lives. Thank You, Lord, for Your sovereignty and blessing. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

A couple pictures from that precious day.