I sit here with my fingers on the keys and wait for the words to come. Why I am waiting, I do not know since I have so many going in my head. Maybe it is more of a problem of where to begin. So, I will just pray for my Lord to show the way and guide my fingers.
I have been struggling. I am very short. LOL Sorry, but that made me laugh because I am literally short. :P Maybe I should say that I have been short-tempered and impatient. I am wound very tight right now. I believe that many things are factoring into this problem, so here is what is on my heart....
Easter is coming... I really didn't expect this to be an issue! Mother's Day is coming... which means baby dedication. Kindergarten Graduation for Katie Jo is coming... really wasn't expecting this to bring on emotions! Easter, the time when we celebrate the Risen Savior!!! Why would this make me sad!?! I am not sure that sad is the right word actually. The resurrection has become even more real to me. Maybe it is the wonder and amazement of it all. It is truly overwhelming. Because He Lives!!! I love that hymn. We even sang it at Janie Beth's Celebration Service. This chorus rings so true in my life!
Baby Dedication. It will be Joy Michelle's baby dedication. I cannot put into words the amount of emotions that flow through me when I think about it, and they pretty much cover the entire spectrum from one end to the other. I have sat through 2 baby dedications; one with Janie Beth in my belly, knowing of her diagnosis already, and one afterwards on my first Mother's Day without Janie. But, participating is a whole nother story. Wow! God's grace is amazing!!
I was going through Katie Jo's pictures to send in for a slide show for Kindergarten graduation and it hit me that the pictures I have of Janie Beth are the only pictures I will ever have. There will be no comparing how she changed over the first 6 years of her life. They are singing the song "Find Us Faithful" in the service, and it is really touching my heart!
This move into Built 2 Last Ministries is all about faith. As I sing "Find Us Faithful" my heart swells with the desire that all who come behind me find me faithful! God is working in my heart in wonderful, yet hard ways. He is pruning and refining me. This was the part of the journey I didn't expect. Sad as that sounds. And that, my friends, is why I have to be refined- because I am surprised that I need to be refined on such a deep level in order to walk this road! You mean the building of my faith in the recent trials wasn't enough!?! "No, God says, I want to build your heart the way I want it." Ouch!
I learned quite some time ago that if I see something in someone else that really bugs me, then it is probably in me. Yikes! God has really challenged me lately as I have been dealing with some issues. It is very humbling. I realize that the desires of my heart have been ungodly. When I look below and see the motives it is scary and sad. I really thought I had moved passed that. I am realizing that I have been seeking after the wrong thing. I have been doing exactly what I don't think others should do. As I have been seeking to live totally by faith, I am seeing that there is a whole lot of ugly worldliness in me. The world has molded me and I didn't even realize it. I have fallen right into line with the world and I didn't even notice. Life isn't about me!! It is all about God and bringing Him the glory!! I pray that God engraves this on my heart and that He continues to teach me moment by moment.
As I have truly sought to do that, He has changed how I view so many things. Our society is more messed up than I realized. And the sad thing is, those that chose to live life the way God says look crazy! We are some messed up people. It should be the easiest thing to do; live by faith. But, we are taught that it is the hard road and the lazy road. How sad! I am having to allow God to re-shape things that have been engrained in my heart and mind my entire life. No ones fault really because we are all taught the same thing. In order to live by faith, I have to let go of the worldly views on aspiration. Let go of the American Dream. Live solely for God's glory!! Live for God's Dream! What is God's Dream? That none should perish, but all should come to repentance. He wants everyone to join Him in heaven and ask Jesus to be their Savior. Everything I do should point to God and bring Him glory.
This is hard at first, but once God prunes all of the ugly branches off, He will grow the most beautiful flowers; His flowers. I must decrease so He can increase. I must crucify my ego moment by moment. This is the journey off of the milk and onto solids. (Hebrews 5:12-14) The Spirit has felt so close. He is constantly nudging me, and I wonder... has He always been there whispering and I just missed it? Did I not care enough before? I love that God is taking the time to mold every part of my heart. I pray that I will stay in tune with Him. I much prefer to follow His leading on everything instead of mine. We all know that mine will just find me on the wide path instead of the narrow path!
So, here I sit resting after another day of tilling a new part in the garden of my heart. Weeds are never easy to pull up when you are trying to pull them up by the roots!
Abba Father, thank You!!! I cannot say it enough!! I pray that I never lose the wonder that fills my heart when I think about Your love, mercy, and grace toward me! May You continue to strengthen for the weeks ahead. You called me to be Janie Beth's mother and You equip me to walk her journey. Thank You! Prepare my heart and bring healing to the next layer. Thank You for writing my faith!! Please continue to teach me how to tap into every aspect of it. Thank You for being the best Gardener! Refine me, Lord. I want to be a woman after Your own heart. Thank You, Jesus, for walking the road to Calvary. You are my all in all. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.