That Ache

The ache of the arms has been prevalent over the last week.
The desire to hold and touch and kiss.
The wonder of what she would be like.
How she would look. I can't even imagine.
It makes my heart skip a beat.
It catches my breath.
Brings a tear to my eye. A smile to my face.

I don't know why the onslaught of emotion right now. There could be several factors I guess. I blogged about meeting her and our time with her this week. It floods my memories again. It makes me long for those days to stand still.

I went to the open house of the new LDRP rooms at the other hospital in town. They are wonderful! The staff is so sweet! The NICU there is even intimate. It was a very blessed tour. Two of the rooms have the saying "Angels danced the day you were born" painted above the cribs. I have an ornament for Janie Beth that says that! It flooded me with her! It made her a part of the day. It makes me long to have one of those rooms with Timothy so that she is a part too.

Going to the hospital got me excited about Timothy's arrival. It reminds me of how different I pray that it is from Janie Beth's. The desire to have my labor and delivery the way I want them this time and just cherish each moment makes me wish I could do hers differently, but then I choose thankfulness instead. God was in control! And He still is! There is also that part of me that wonders if Timothy will be ok. Will I say that the angels danced the day he was born because he was born into heaven? I really do feel like everything is going to go wonderfully with his birth, but I know there are no guarantees, and God is in control.

I am also coming up on 28 wks. That is how far I was when we found out about Janie having TD. I even go to the doctor this week at 28 wks 1 day, just like I did when we saw Dr. F at 28 wks 1 day before going to the specialist. WOW!! God has a way of redeeming!

Joy Michelle's personality is really beginning to show and that makes me wonder all the more how Janie would be now, and what she would have been like at Joy's age. It makes me enjoy my kids more!!! I don't want to forget!

While my arms may ache to hold her and my fingers ache to feel her again, I am so thankful to have the privilege of being Janie Beth's mommy!! I would do it all over again. God has used Janie Beth to bring me on an amazing journey. He is still using her journey to change me. What a precious baby girl! I love you, Janie Beth!!! I miss you dearly!

Father God, thank You for making me Janie Beth's mommy!!! Thank You for bringing me on this amazing journey! As I continue to seek You with all my heart, I pray that You will continue to mold me and heal me on this journey. Thank You for the wonderful time I had with Janie Beth. Thank You for the ability to spend each day with Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, Joy Schelle, and Timothy! Thank You for Joey and how You used Janie Beth to bring us closer. You are an awesome God! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen