In Tune with God

And behold, there was a man in Jerusalem whose name was Simeon, and this man was just and devout, waiting for the Consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him....So he came by the Spirit into the temple... Luke 2:25,27

and this woman [Anna] was a widow of about eighty-four years, who did not depart from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. Luke 2:37

Simeon and Anna were in tune with God. They saw Jesus and knew Him. Most of Israel didn't believe because Jesus didn't come as they expected or do what they thought He should.

Jesus rarely comes as we think He should and He rarely does things the way we expect.

I should spend time in prayer and the Word so I am in tune with Him and won't miss Him. How many opportunities have I missed because I didn't recognize Jesus or realize He was the one moving?

I am too worried about my fleshly desires that I miss out on the Living Water. Things don't turn out quiet like I wanted and I covet the person's life that looks the way I thought mine would. Sadly, its usually materialistically, but it can even be spiritually.

I need to be satisfied with what I am given even when its not the way I pictured it. Although, I should never be satisified with my life spiritually!!! God will not be through with me until I stand before Him in glory, so I should always be pressing toward the goal of the upward call of Christ. God has a plan, and it is a good plan!

I desire Jesus to be enough; even if I lost it all that Jesus would still be enough!

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Look at Jesus story. Is it the way you would have done things? Not me! But His story had to be that way in order for us to have eternal life.

Looking at my own story, it isn't the way I would have written it, but it is the way it needs to be in order for me to be what God wants me to be. This is the road I walk daily as I carry my cross and follow Him. I should not bemoan! He is using my road to do things I can't see. I pray it is drawing others to Himself!

As we read The Legend of the Three Trees a couple days ago, I was once again struck by the last page:
Each of the three trees' dreams came true--in ways even bigger than they had imagined! And so it is iwth each of us: if we follow God's path, we will travel far beyond even our greatest dreams.

Abba Father, thank You for my life. Thank You for the journey my life has taken as it has drawn me ever closer to You. You do things Your own way, and Your way is far better than my way! Help me to be in tune with You. Adjust my heart to be one with Yours. I want to see Jesus each and every day. I don't want to miss out. I want to expect the unexpected, and find You. I desire Jesus to be enough! Work through my life, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Wholeheartedly Conquer

A Tall Order!
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it hsall be that those whom you let remain shall be irritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell. Numbers 33:55

As we are entering our Promised Land and fighting the battles to conquer it, we must drive out the inhabitants completely! There will be no short-changing God's orders! If we don't go at this wholeheartedly, then it will come back to bite us in the bootie later. OUCH! I would rather not have to deal with that.

As God calls us to change things, we must change them wholeheartedly. With our whole hearts we have sought You; Oh, let us not wander from Your commandments! (Ps 119:10) I cannot bargain with God. I must do exactly as He says.

Part of this conquering is being pruned!
"and every branch that bears fruit He pruned that it may bear more fruit."(John 15:2b)
Pruning hurts and if we don't completely (wholeheartedly) pull those bad parts off then they will come back and attack us later! God is pruning me through this pregnancy. I really can't tell you much about my pregnancy with Joy Schelle because I went through it in a daze, but I am much more aware this time! The main thing that God is pruning is fear!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

I have built my walls back up :(. I have not allowed myself to love my husband and children, and even God and Jesus. This time I am going to conquer these walls completely! I am asking God to perfect His love in me! I am wholeheartedly letting go. I want to cherish each and every moment. I do not want to fear losing someone, so then I pull back so that it won't hurt too much when I do lose them. I don't want to be hurt. But, in pulling back, I am missing out! I am tired of missing out! I have had periods of time where I cherish and periods of time where I miss out, and I am tired of it! Therefore, I am setting out into this battle to conquer fear completely and drive it out of my Promised Land and family. I do not want this to be an inheretance that I leave my children!

"For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him." (Matt. 13:12)

What am I doing with what God has given me!?! Lately I have been pushing it all away; just going through the motions. I want the abundance that God has waiting for me! I want to be faithful with what I am given. The pruning brings abundance!

I do not want to be like the Israelites!!
"and they brought back word to us, saying, 'It is a good land which the Lord our God is giving us.' Nevertheless you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the Lord your God;" (Duet. 1:25b-26)

Nevertheless!?! They knew the land was good, nevertheless they wouldn't go!! What!?! How many times does God show me a better way but I'm not willing to go because it looks too difficult to conquer!?! I have been telling God that it looks great to live a life without fear, but it will be too difficult to really conquer it. I just push it down until it comes back up. How silly does it sound to fear conquering fear!?! Seriously? But, in essence that is what I have been doing.

But, look at this amazing promise!!!

Then [Moses] said to you, 'Do not be terrified, or afraid fo them. The Lord your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes. (Deut. 1:29-30)

God goes before me! He fights for me! The sad thing is, that even after the Israelites were reminded of all that God had done for them, they still weren't willing to go and wouldn't believe. I have been just like the Israelites! Ouch!!

In my quest to wholeheartedly love God, Jesus, and my family, I am going to wholeheartedly conquer fear through the perfect love of God! :)

Thank You, Abba, for Your longsuffering! Thank You for Your mercy and grace! Forgive me for running away for so long, even when You had proven Yourself in other things. I am still a little scared to let go because it opens me up, but it will also free me. May You continue to go before me and fight for me! Thank You for taking the time to go with me into battle, for I know that without You I can do nothing!!! Cleanse my heart and make me a new creation of love. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The Day is Here...

The words... Where are the words? I am at a loss for them.

Tomorrow is the big ultrasound. I have been waiting for this day, yet dreading it as well. I am excited, yet so scared.

Sunday morning in church, I let go. I told God that I really didn't want to walk a similar road to Janie Beth's, but I was willing. I would accept that journey again. Silent tears streaked down my face, and I really wanted to run to the bathroom and just bawl! I wanted to just run into the arms of Jesus and feel Him hold me. I was vunerable. I put myself completely and totally in God's hands. I let go...

I have slowly been picking it all back up. The fear, the worry, the wonder. Why do I do this to myself??? It doesn't change anything.

As the week has progressed things in our lives have started to fall apart. AH!!! My faith is stretched thin. I fear, worry, and wonder. Things were falling apart before Janie Beth too. Will God choose to answer my prayers by having me walk through another journey of loss???

I do not know the answer to this question. Even if the ultrasound tomorrow is good, that doesn't mean that we won't endure another journey of loss because one day we will. Loss is a part of life. That is a hard reality to accept sometimes.

How Janie Beth fills my thoughts right now!

I must change my perspective!

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

WOW! Instead of looking at all that I lost. I must remember that God hears my prayers! He always answers my prayers, and I must continue to call upon Him as long as I live. He is faithful!!! He has proven Himself over and over again.

I am only as poor as I think I am! Oh Lord, change my perspective!!! Please! I need a mind renewal. You have given me so much. Thank You! Thank You for the stones that I can look back on to see your faithfulness in my life! Thank You for Janie Beth and the amazing journey her life has brought me on. Thank You for this new little one and the blessings You have in store for us through his or her life. You hear me when I call. You set my feet in a broad place. You are on my side. I will not fear. (Ps. 118:5-6) You are mindful of me. You will bless me if I fear You. (Ps. 115:12-13) May I totally trust You, for You are my help and my shield. Who is like the Lord our God, who dwells on high, who humbles Himself to behold the things that are in the heavens and in the earth? (Ps. 113:5-6) What a mighty God!!!! No one but You can truly behold both things on earth and in heaven. You care about each and every thing. Thank You for caring about every detail of my life! I love You! May You continue to be glorified in my life and through my life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Moving... in multiple ways

Life is purely crazy at the moment!!! God had things fall into place last Sun, Nov 20, in such a way that we are moving this week. We have been moving and are hoping to be done and have the all clean by Sunday evening. We have moved multiple times in the 9 yrs of our marriage (today is our 9th anniversary! Love you, Babe!!!!), but never have we done a slow move where smaller loads are taken daily. It is driving me crazy to have my house in such disarray! Do not ask Joey just how fun I have been to live with this week because you really don't want to know! ;) I will admit that my time with God has been entirely too short which has contributed to my stress level.

But, I believe that moving is affecting me emotionally as well. This is Janie Beth's house. All my memories of her are here. We are moving into another chapter of our lives. How does she fit in? She has a wonderful spot in the new house, and it is all set up (I'll take pics soon!). It looks great. But, this little move makes me wonder how she will fit in when we move when we get a job and move again. That will be a new world of people that don't know her story. Yet, her story is completely woven in our lives so she will defintely get known. It is just hard to move forward sometimes.

I also am amazed when I think of all Joey and I have been through in 9 yrs of marriage. We are making our 5th move since we got married. We have faced mountain tops and valleys! This move is a blessing, and God completely worked it out, but we are praying for God to move us to a church soon. We long to be serving in a church again. These 3 yrs of waiting have changed us and moved us further in our walks, and in our marriage. When we got married on November 30, 2002, I had no idea just who we would be and where we would be 9 yrs later!!! God has blessed us immensely!!! Our marriage is moving forward in ways we never could have imagined!

Our newest little one has been moving much more lately. I LOVE it!!!!! It brings a smile to my face, and sometimes a prick to my heart. We have our ultrasound next week, and I will admit that I am scared. I am praying that we see a healthy little one in there, and that everything looks great. But, I also know that that is not a guarantee. I truly want God's will done, but I also want mine done. I battle within myself quite often!! I know this little one is a blessing, and that God has a special plan for him or her in our family. I do not know how He plans to use this little one's life, but it will be for His glory!!! Thank You, Father, for that reminder!!!

So, we are moving in multiple ways. :) I am moving physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I pray that each and every move is according to God's will, and that they are each moving forward and upward. What a challenge that really is! How can I accomplish that? By looking to Jesus! Keep my eyes on Jesus; on the upward call of Christ. Following Jesus isn't meant to be easy or status quo. It is meant to grow and move.

I started this post with tears, and I am ending it with a smile. God met me here as I typed my heart. He gently reminded me of His perfect plan. He whispered to my heart that He is here and He loves me no matter what. What a wonderful, loving God we serve!!!!

Thank You, Abba! Thank You, Jesus!! There are really no other words to say. I love You! Thank You for moving in my life!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The Holidays Approaching...

Bittersweet has become a word I use quite often. I use it right now to explain how the approaching holiday season feels. It is bittersweet, but in a different bittersweet way than last year's. I know that sounds crazy, and you all should know by now that I am a little bit crazy. ;)

Today marked 2 yrs since we had an u/s with our regular OB that showed Janie's limbs had not grown. Saturday marks a year since we went to UAB and saw the specialist. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 yrs!!! It seems like another life, yet it feels like a day ago as I can easily recall those days.

As I recall those days this year I am in a better place. I still miss Janie Beth with every part of my being, and I still yearn and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her. It takes my breath away at moments. I cry at moments. But, the moments don't last as long, and I usually cry with a smile on my face. The yearning moments are the hard moments. There are certain pictures that make her more real to me, and those pictures bring a tear to my eye without a smile because I remember just how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I wonder what she would be like right now. Then, I picture, with my limited knowledge and imagination, how wonderful it is in heaven. I am thankful! That precious little girl called me to be a Mother.

Last year I was in a weird place. Joy Michelle was here already and I am so thankful that I had her to hold on those hard days. She took the ache out of my arms. Yet, I think i was somewhat numb. I just went through the motions. Perhaps to save myself some of the pain, I don't know. The holidays were just there. We endured them. We were blessed through them!

This year I am ready for the holidays. I want to embrace them with my children and watch the glow and delight on their faces. I want to make memories and teach them the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to live lives of thankfulness, not just a month of thankfulness. I want us to find ways to bless others. I want to celebrate my wonderful Savior who is pulling me through!

But, there is always a "but" isn't there :), being pregnant right now adds a whole new dimension to everything. I am beyond grateful to be pregnant right now and walk these days and weeks with a precious life in my womb. It is redeeming. It is healing. It is a struggle to be honest! I am fighting fear with this pregnancy that I did not fight with Joy Michelle's pregnancy. God in His mercy knew I could only handle so much last year, and He knew that Jesus and I could win this victory this year. I would have crumbled last year. This year I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms. I will feel and heal. My Redeemer only gives me what I can handle! AMEN! Now, if I would just remember that in those fearful moments. ;) Easier said than done sometimes.

This year the holidays will be different in other ways as well for our family. I do not know exactly what God is going to do, but I know He will come through because He always has in the past. It is scary, and I know that adds to my fear, but it is also exciting. Why!?! Why would this crazy woman say that it is exciting!?! Because it is God, and only God, and all God!!!! There is no me or us in this! I get to watch the hand of God move. How awesome is that!?! I have no idea where or when it is getting to move, but I know that it will. I will be like Abraham, who, contrary to hope, in hope believed (Romans 4:18).

Great and Mighty is the Lord our God! Thank You, Father, that I am in a better place. Thank You that You blessed my womb with Janie Beth. Thank You for the hope that we have in Jesus! Thank You for the Rock we have in Jesus. Thank You for the blessings You have in store for us. Thank You that You are making the path straight and smooth! You are awesome! I love You! May I come to love Jesus even more through this holiday season. May You draw me near to the heart of God. I don't want to miss the true meaning of Christmas, and I want to live a life of thankfulness at all times. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Yet Again...

So, here I sit on another Wed night pouring my heart out to God. You see, Joey is leading the College Bible study at church on Wed nights from 8:30-10, so I have plenty of God time after the kids go to bed. I miss Joey being here, but I am enjoying these special times with God. They do not happen often enough, and that is all my fault! Something I need to work on, and I am hoping the clocks moving back and getting the sun up before 7:30 will help with that. :)

Anyways... I was pouring out my heart again. I was telling God how weary I am of the waiting and wandering. This desert is getting old. Every time it looks like we are coming up on land, it turns out to be a mirage. As we walk along the hall and knock on each door it turns out they are all locked. Will it ever be the real thing? I pleaded and begged that God would just show us the next step. I told Him that I feel like He is right there and I can feel His breathe, but not His arms. It is like when you are kid and your parents are teaching you to swim and they keep backing up because they know you can go further. That is exactly what I feel like God is doing. He keeps backing up pushing me to come further. I need endurance and perseverance to finish this race!

I asked God to speak to me through His Word, well, beg would be a better word. LOL And you know what!?! He did!!! I decided last week that I would start reading through Psalms, but start in the back because I never make it all the way through. :) Joey suggested starting in the 5th book of Psalms (it is divided up into 5 books). So, I have been reading through Psalm 107 the last few nights. I opened it up, and low and behold here is what the next verse said...

And He led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:7

He will lead us in the right way!!! He will bring us out of this wilderness and into a city, our promised land, where we can dwell and serve with Him!

Let me back up to verse 4 so you can get the whole effect. I am telling you this Psalm is right where I am, and I have only made it through the first 9 verses!

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried out ot the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forthe by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:4-7

But, you can't stop there! Verse 8 tells us to be thankful! I definitely expressed my thanks after reading verse 7 before I even looked at verse 8.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. Ps 107:8-9

One of my sacrifices right now in the wilderness is thanksgiving. I am to be thankful when it is hard to be thankful! The thing is there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to look!! He is doing wonderful works in our midst daily, just His provision for our family is an amazing work! He will satisfy our longing souls more than we could ever imagine. He is just awesome like that. He loves me! Jesus knows my name. It is written on His palm because He is my Savior! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Abba, Abba! Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Just wispering Your name brings a peace to my heart. Thank You for meeting me again right where I am. No, You didn't show me the next step to take. But, You did show me Your promise that You will lead me in the right way. You will bring us to a city to dwell in. May You continue to draw us closer. I want to love You, Jesus, more and more. Show what I am to be doing as I wait. May I not waste this time. Thank You for showing me that the first thing I am to be doing is trusting You! You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, and in You I put my trust. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Tears...

Tears have been so close to the surface for me since Wednesday! Not tears of pain tho; tears of joy. I am completely overwhelmed with emotion. God has brought me on such a journey since we learned of Janie Beth's condition. He has changed me in so many ways! He has called me to the awesome call of motherhood! (Yes, I know I already had 3 children, but I hadn't answered that call yet.) Having Joy Schelle brought me even deeper in my journey as I continued to look at my heart and ask God to make me what He wanted. He knows the desires of my heart, and the fact that He delights in me and wants to give me the desires of my heart brings tears to my eyes!!! He was so gracious to give us Joey Schelle, and I am thankful beyond words that He has chosen to bless my womb again!

I was asked the question if I thought this pregnancy would be easier since having Joy Schelle. Let me tell you, this has been on my mind ever since!!! I have been pondering it in my heart constantly. I think in some ways, maybe many, it will be easier, but I also know that in some ways it will not. Pregnancy is all, almost, that I had with Janie Beth, and there are points in my pregnancy that are hard and flood me with memories! It isn't only Janie Beth's journey that makes pregnancy hard. I have had 2 early miscarriages and I know that I am not exempt from having more. Getting out of the first trimester brings relief, but then the "big" ultrasound looms ahead. It is not a gender u/s for me. It is an is my baby fit to survive outside the womb u/s for me. It is a chance to make sure every part is in fact there and it is working the way it should u/s for me!!! Then, once I hit 28 wks is when Janie Beth's memories really hit. I just try to enjoy and cherish every moment!! I don't want to have any regrets. I am not sure exactly how this journey will go, but I know it will be different that Joy Schelle's pregnancy.

I am filled to overflowing! I have to pray constantly and give things over to God daily, and sometimes hourly. I am still trying to lay all at His feet and completely trust Him. He is the One that is really in control! His plans are good and He will be glorified!!!

Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Abba! You are awesome and gracious; merciful and loving. I love You! May You be glorified through this pregnancy. May You continue to form this precious little one in Your image. You watch each and every part being formed and make sure everything is exactly as You want. It brings tears to my eyes to know that Your hands are working so majestically in my womb! I stand in awe of You! You are powerful and mighty; You do great and unsearchable things. Thank You for allowing me to be a part of Your amazing plans! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

GOD

Thank YOU, Abba!!!

Thank You for the storm! Thank You for making a way! Thank You for loving me! Thank You for washing me clean through this storm! Thank You that the lightning and thunder are breaking me down and giving You the freedom to mold me as You see fit! Thank You for the rain that You have brought into my life. Thank You for loving me enough to bring the storm and to take the time to revamp this old piece of pottery that was useless! May I only be usefull through Your strength! Father, I need You. Thank You for bringing me this far. I know the storm isn't over and this won't be the last storm I will walk through, but I thank You for being right beside me the whole time and cheering me on and beckoning me to come closer. Thank You for calling me to be Janie Beth's mother. Thank You for calling me to mother Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Joy Schelle. Thank You for calling me to be Joey's wife. Thank You for calling me at all to do anything! I never could have imagined all that You have done in me. I needed a Savior more than I could have ever realized. I cannot put into words how thankful I am for Janie Beth and the amazing journey she has brought me on. Neither can I put into words how thankful I am that You were gracious enough to lend me Joy Schelle to raise. Thank You for the journey Joey and I, and the kids, are on with the evangelism ministry and whatever else You have in store for us. We can't imagine the wonderful things You have planned for us. In the storm it is hard to see, but I will look back to the rainbows You have provided and I will believe. Thank You for loving my family and bring us through this storm. Make us what You want us. Make our desires Your desires. May we be a family after Your own heart. May we fall in love with You! Thank You for always being there for us! You are the same yesterday, today, and forever!!!! You are great and mighty!!! You are awesome!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Please break my chains completely and set me completely free. Thank You for Your grace! Thank You for Your mercy! Thank You for being I AM! You are all we will ever need. Thank You for my family! Thank You for calling us deeper! We knew it wouldn't be easy, but it is blessed, even if the blessings are different than expected. May we never miss one of Your blessings!

Lord, break this fallow ground. Circumcise my heart. Be big! I want to sow bountifully so that Your kingdom will reap bountifully!! I love You, Jesus, shine through me.

Thank You, Abba!!! Thank You Jesus!!

Really?

I have to say that I was amazed when I laid down last night and pulled out One Thousand Gifts! I wrote in my previous post that thankfulness/eucharisteo grows faith and trust and brings peace. Little did I know that is exactly what I would read last night. I am so thankful that God is teaching me!

I was pondering the different issues we are facing with our children. I have been praying for wisdom to know exactly what to do with each of them. There is anger and whining/complaining. What can overcome them? I do not struggle that much with anger, so I have really been at a loss. I knew what to overcome the complaining with though; you need to replace it with thankfulness. Then, after reading last night, I realized that the answer to anger is also thankfulness.

What? It is that simple?
God says," the answer is simple, but the act is not."
Then how do I do it?
You lead by example.
But I am just learning. I am not qualified!
Learn together. Let them know you struggle too; they aren't alone. And I do not call the qualified and equipped! I equip the called!
First step?
Be audible.

Then, this morning God takes me even deeper! Don't you love how He does that!?!

I was reading through Psalm 4 the other day and God really opened my eyes.
Verse 4-5
Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the Lord.

I know the beginning of the verse by heart, but I had never taken the time to read it all, or to read the next verse; to let them soak in. Do not act in the moment. Go to your room/ get away and meditate. (sometimes this is just inn your mind while you sit quietly before speaking) What do I meditate on? Can I go over and over again how this should go and how I am not in the wrong? Can I just let the anger consume me?
Well, that wouldn't be offering the sacrifice of righteousness, now would it. That isn't putting my trust in God.
Then, what in the world do I meditate on?
Thankfulness! Thank God for the moment. Thank Him for the argument. Thank Him for what He is trying to teach you. Meditate on His word, on Him. By being thankful, I am putting my trust in Him! It is acknowledging that He has this under control and He doesn't want me to sin. He wants righteousness, and that takes trust! How does it take trust? Well, what if you are right, which we all are in our own eyes. Laying it down to Him and trusting that He is going to work it all out.
WOW!! This is tuff stuff!! I think I will be spending a lot of time on my bed, by myself and with others trying to learn the art of eucharisteo. Being thankful in the hard moments and listening to God.

As I was beginning to type the verse for the anger, I thought about the verse for complaining.
Philippians 2:14-18
Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice.

Once again, I haven't really let the following verses set in! I knew that living without complaining and disputing made you blameless. When I thought about this verse a little bit ago, I realized that thankfulness is the key to being blameless. But, I missed the point!
Why does it make me blameless? Because it makes me a light. I stand out. I am different from the crooked and perverse generation. How? Being thankful is not the norm. How can you be thankful when you have every right to complain? I carried a baby for 34 wks that would pass into the arms of Jesus. I knew for 6 of those weeks that she would leave me upon entering this world. According to the world, I had every right to complain and dispute. Did I? Some days yes! But, I was thankful far more. Peace reigned in me through that time by thankfulness.
It was/is a sacrifice! It is a drink offering because I am willing to drink in my circumstances and sing praises to God with them. It is a service of my faith because I am acknowledging that God is in control and I am trusting Him even though I do not like the circumstances. It is clinging to the word of life!

It isn't just the big things. It can be the mundane every day mess. I will drink the dishwasher in and pour it out to God in thanksgiving. It will change my heart and it will make me blameless. I will look crazy to the world!

Both of these are hard! They take time and effort. It takes physical therapy to recondition our hearts to be full of thankfulness. To turn from our wicked ways of anger and complaining. But, I am going to take the challenge, and I am going to challenge my family to do the same. May my children become vessels of thankfulness because they saw it in me!

Abba Father, I have failed You so many times, and I know I will continue to fail You, but You are always there teaching me. Thank You!! Forgive me. Mold my heart, Lord. Condition it to be the way You want it to be. May I look for Your praise and not the praise of man. Make me a light in this crooked and perverse generation. May You continue to shape my family. I love You!!! Thank You for loving me so very much! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Security

I have been contemplating lots of things lately, and it seems God is working on my heart quite a bit. This is not pleasant at times, but man does it feel good once you have been pruned!!! Anyways, security was one of the first things that started cropping into my thoughts a lot....

You see, we are stepping out of our comfort zone and onto God's narrow path. Joey is going into vocational evangelism. He will be doing revivals, conferences, camps, etc. We will be relying totally on God! (Built 2 Last Ministries does have a facebook page and a blog site. Those will give you more info on exactly what is going on. :) )

I was talking to a friend from our previous church last week, and I told her that I missed the false sense of security that I had when we were there.

Definition of SECURITY


1: the quality or state of being secure: as a : freedom from danger : safety b : freedom from fear or anxiety c : freedom from the prospect of being laid off

2a : something given, deposited, or pledged to make certain the fulfillment of an obligation b : surety

3: an instrument of investment in the form of a document (as a stock certificate or bond) providing evidence of its ownership

4a : something that secures : protection b (1) : measures taken to guard against espionage or sabotage, crime, attack, or escape (2) : an organization or department whose task is security

If you really look at those definitions, the only way that you could truly have security is with God. The only way to have freedom, as in definition #1, is to have the freedom of Christ. There is no guarantee that you will have your job tomorrow or will be safe a moment from now. The only way to have freedom from anxiety or worry is to trust in God, even when the situation would seem to constitute worry and/or anxiety.
 
True freedom or security is peace! Where does peace come from? From God!
 
Isaiah 26:3-4 You will keep hiim in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength.
 
Philippians 4:6-9 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God: and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your eharts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever thingss are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these thigns. THe things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, adn the God of peace will be with you.
 
Here I have gone from security to freedom to peace; how did I get there? Well, true security comes from freedom and if you are experiencing true freedom, then you have peace. Not only can you have the peace of God, but you can have the God of peace!! Look at the verses from Philippians again. The peace of God comes from giving everything to God through prayer and petition with thanksgiving. The God of peace comes when you decide to focus on the things of God. When you focus on the things of God, then you are free to feel secure because the God of peace is with you.
 
John 8:36 "Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed."
 
This verse tells us everything we need to know! We are only truly free if the Son makes us free!
 
Definition #2: Can you be sure that someone is going to fulfill their obligation to you?? Who is the only one who has always done that!?! GOD! Has He always fulfilled the obligation as we thought He should or would? Nope, but it has always been the best way because His ways are higher than ours and He sees the big picture!
 
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to thoses who are the called according to His purpose. (This verse is contingent on you being a child of God.)
 
Definition #3: documents can be forged. Pictures can be stolen. Someone else can claim to have your life and even provide evidence that it is really theirs. Scary huh!!! What is the only book that is living and can't be forged; the only one that will last forever and stand the test of time? The Bible!
 
Definition #4: Can you really be secure from danger? Can you really guard your home from any invader or your children from evil? No. You can put them all in God's hands and allow Him to protect you. God and His angels are the ultimate home security system!!! Nothing and noone can get past them if God doesn't want them to. It says over and over again that God is our shield and protector; a help in danger. Open the Psalms, and your will ultimately see that on one of the pages.
 
The only way for me to walk securely through life is to walk it with God! In this culture, we have so many false senses of security! Our jobs, our checkbooks, our family, our friends, our status, the list goes on and on! Can you be secure with no job, no money, no family, no friend, no status? Yes, you can be secure because you are a child of God and Jesus laid down His life for you!
 
I am choosing to find my security in Christ. This is not a popular concept and it is foreign to most, but it is where I am striving to be. I do not want a false sense of security. I want the Security! I want to live my life to the fullest through Jesus who came that I might have life and have it to the fullest!
 
Thank You, Jesus!!! Please help me! This is so foreign to me and I do not even know exactly what it looks like for my life. Please open my eyes and show me Your path. Thank You for your security, freedom, and peace. I love You, Abba! Thank You!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

New Things

I had planned on writing a post about this coming year and how I feel that God has new, big things in store for our family, but I have a hole. There is a piece missing. We are taking steps in our family, and I must learn to do them holeheartedly. No, I didn't misspell holeheartedly. I am ready to be a part of the amazing things God is going to do in our family and through our family, but I will be learning to do them with a hole in my heart. Yes, God can fill it with His grace, but there are still times when I long not to have to learn to walk life with a permanent hole in my heart.

The devil gets a hold quickly as I look at others who seem to have what I want, and I get tired of the fight. I want to have the naivety of a new pregnancy, or the ability to hug all of my children each night, or the thought that life is perfect now that we have a newborn. Those things aren't true for me, and for many others, and I am ashamed to say that I have days where it gets to me. I want to have a different lense to look through.

"But God!" I love that verse. (I am being lazy by not going to find it, but I am pretty sure it is in Paul's writings.) When I slide onto the road of self-pity, God steps in! Or, I should say that when I allow Him to, God steps in.

As I was typing the paragraph about the devil getting a hold, God spoke to me, hence the next paragraph. It reminded me of another post I wrote a long time ago. How can I tell God that this is not the road I want to walk, when I have no idea where this road is leading!?! God threw my own words back at me as I was writing that other paragraph.

Abba, may You forgive me for jealousy and self-pity. May You come into my heart and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. I need Your help to learn to walk with this hole. May You carry me when I am weak and write my faith. Surround me with Your love, Lord. I am really excited about the amazing things You are going to do, but I am sad at the same time because Janie Beth isn't here to walk with us. Thank You that You are the BIG God!!! Thank You for the blessed road that we are walking, no matter the pain that it causes because it is all about Your will. Lord, make that the desire of my heart!! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The thing is, without Janie Beth we might not get to be a part of God's work in this place. Janie Beth has brought us where we are. She has made my faith real, but I still have so far to go. She has brought us to the point of being willing to let go and let God have the reigns; to trust Him completely. I mean, why not!?! He has brought me through an F5 tornado in my life! He has done things in my heart that I didn't even know needed to be done. He is still changing me. The desires of my heart are so different today then they were November 1, 2009.

I want so badly to love on and hold my baby girl again, but since I can't I will walk loving her and holding her ever so close in my heart. I will share the love of Jesus with others so that they too can know what it is like to live a life of faith. I will do my best to love deeper, care more, and reach out wider than I ever have before. This new year will be full of new things! It is what I do with those new things that matters. I will chose to use those things, whatever they are and however they appear, to the glory of God!

We are entering a new year. We are moving further from Janie Beth's time on earth, but closer to our time with her in Heaven. I will do my best to not look back too much, but to learn to bring her with me.

God is at work! I am so excited to see what He is going to do even if I have a hole and a little sadness.

Thank You, Abba for changing my perspective!! Help me keep my eyes on You.

A Prayer

I am re-posting a prayer that was in a devotional I got January 1, 2010. I tweaked it to be mine instead of for all who read it last year. This came to me through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I was blessed to go back and read it again this year, so I wanted to share it. This prayer still rings true for me today.


Father in heaven, thank You that You are All Authority in heaven and on earth. Thank You that You led me here today. You know my every need, my deepest desires, and my hurting places. Lord, as I seek to know You more, would You open the eyes of my heart to see the wonderful things in Your law?

Father, I confess that so often I live a life that does not honor You. My actions and my words seem so far from You. But, I do want to live a life that pleases You, so I ask today for You to soften my heart to receive what Your sweet Spirit has to speak to me. Give me a hunger and a thirst for Your Word. As You reveal it to me, help me through the power of Your Holy Spirit to listen and obey. You tell me Your Word is living and active, like a double-edged sword. Father, I invite You to use it now to penetrate the deepest recesses in my heart.

Give me a heart that desires You and Your Truth above all else. Your Word tells me that if I lack Wisdom, I need only ask and You will give it liberally. So I ask today for a fresh filling of Your Wisdom. Give me the strength to walk in Your Truth, no matter the cost. Guard me heart and keep my eyes fixed on You. Grow in me the fruit of Your Spirit…those things that will make me more like You. As I study Your Word, fill me and saturate me with more of You!!

Today, Father, I surrender my past and look to the future, thanking You that I am a new creation. No matter what I have done before today, I have Hope in You to take all things and use them for Your good and the good of Your Kingdom. Thank You that You are Faithful. Thank You that I can make my plans but You will direct my steps. I trust in You to do a mighty work in me through this year and carry it on to completion until the day I step into eternity with You.

Lord, I love You. Make my life a living testimony of Your Love. I ask this in the powerful and mighty name of Your Son, Jesus Christ my Lord who will do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. AMEN.

December 31, 2009 and Joy Michelle

That morning Janie Beth's hands had loosened up. I thanked God so much because I was able to get her prints and trace her hands and feet. I think I almost cried! It was a special morning just Joey, Janie, and I. I gave Janie Beth a bath and then rubbed her with lotion. I used the lavendar scented wash and lotion from the NICU. I now keep lavendar germX at home because it reminds me of Janie Beth. :) There are times I want to smell her or be reminded so I go GermX my hands. She was dressed in the dress that Katie Jo picked out and wrapped in a pink blanket.

We had a wonderful nurse that day. She asked questions about Janie Beth and genuinely cared. I loved that she wanted to know! We even joked a little before we left.

The thought of calling the funeral home and having them come get Janie Beth wasn't sitting right with Joey and I. It was a call we just couldn't bring ourselves to make. Thankfully, someone told us that we could transport her ourselves because she was so small. There was peace in that decision.

While Joey loaded the car, I sat with Janie Beth and sang and talked to her. I cried more than I had the entire stay at the hospital. I wanted those moments to last forever; to soak her in completely.

I was allowed to carry her out to the car. I walked instead of riding in the wheel chair. The nurse did have us go down the staff elevator. I kind of felt for the food guys in there, but they already knew because they were the ones that brought me my food earlier. It felt good to be holding her and carrying her. We even freaked out a lady when I got in the car holding her in the front seat. :) The security guard had to tell her it was ok. That brought laughter to Joey and I.

I am thankful that we got to take her on her first car ride. We still got to do "firsts" with Janie Beth, just not in the normal way.

Then, we pulled into the parking lot of the funeral home. We drove around back. Joey came around the car to get Janie Beth. I hugged her so tight! I held on a bit longer. This was it; the last time I would hold my precious baby girl. As I watched them go inside I just cried. I held my pink lamb and cried. Joey carried her in and laid her on the gurney himself. He said it was one of the hardest things he has ever done; that and being with her when she was disconnected. He came back to the car and we cried together.

We both had on shirts that we had put Janie Beth's footprints on. We went to Arby's to grab a bite before going to pick up the other kids. I wondered if anyone wondered. Here we were with shirts that had footprints and no baby. I am not sure if we talked much while we ate or not.

Even though the day was really hard, it was filled with peace. The peace that only God can provide. He was in control. We let Him guide our steps, and He blessed our time with her! I am so thankful!!!

I put "and Joy Michelle" in the title of this post. I put it there because this day a year ago is affecting me with Joy Michelle. You see, I have not left her with anyone except Joey while at home, or once now at my mom's on Christmas when Joey and I went to the cemetary. I feel like God is calling me to the choir at church. I have peace that that is His desire. I love to praise the Lord in song!! I have missed singing.

But, in order to do that, Joy Michelle will have to stay in the nursery. Now, I have never had a problem with this with any of my other children. I was the nursery for the older 2, so I didn't deal with this, but Eli did stay in the nursery. Everytime I think of leaving her I want to cry. I know she will be fine and that they will take great care of her, but I still want to cry. I realized a week or so ago that the last time I left my baby with someone other than Joey or my parents was at the funeral home. I feel as though this is another step God wants me to take in my healing. A hard step, but a step nonetheless. I will start in a week or 2 and leave her only during the worship service. She will continue to stay with me during Sunday School at first. I would gladly sing in the choir with her strapped to me. ;) But, that might be a bit distracting for me and others. I know that God will give me strength for everything that He calls me to do, and I am excited to see the blessings He will bring through this, but for now I am praying for God to prepare our hearts for leaving her for that short little time.

This day was a blessed day last year, and it will be a blessed day spent with family today. We are  stepping into a new year. We are leaving behind the first year of Janie Beth. It hurts! We are stepping further away from her memories. Yet, we are stepping closer to seeing her again. It is bittersweet.

I am excited to see what God has planned in this new year of 2011. 2010 wasn't all bad; Joy Michelle joined our family, and God has done amazing things in our hearts. I know God has some big plans, and I am just going to hang on and enjoy the ride! 

May You Be Glorified

Those were the words that I uttered through tears one year ago today. I told God I didn't know what He was doing, but may He be glorified through this.

You see, November 19, 2009 I went to UAB to see a specialist about Janie Beth's legs. That was one of the hardest days I have ever lived through. I think I remember things about that day better than my memories from Janie's day here with us.

I had Joey snap this picture before we left. I was 28.5 wks.

I do not remember a thing about the drive down there, but I am sure that we talked... a lot. :) Once we got to B'ham, we were early so we went to a thrift store. I remember looking around the store, but not really finding anything of note. I think we bought a couple little things; books if I am not mistaken.

Then, we went to the doctor's office. The waiting room had quite a few ladies in it, plus the people that came with them. I sat there and wondered why they were there. I had brought some things to read, but I never really read. I think I may have had a book out at one point, but it didn't really accomplish much. Joey had a cough, but he wasn't contagious. He actually went into the stairwell at one point to cough. We joked that everyone probably thought he was infecting them. (He really sounded bad!)

After waiting for quite some time, we were called back to an ultrasound room. The tech said that she was helping out the people we were going to see, and would take most of the measurements and then they would do an u/s as well. She was really nice!! She printed tons of pictures for us. (Once again, I wish I had a video tape!) She told us that Janie Beth was definitely a dwarf. She said her profile matched perfectly. She told us that the main concern would be if her chest cavity was big enough to allow her lungs to grow.

Janie Beth was so darn cute!!! One of my main prayers since our last ultrasound was that she be in the perfect position for them to get measurements. God answered the many prayers that were sent up. She behaved wonderfully for this ultrasound technician. When she was done with all of her measurements she brought us to a room to wait for the doctor to be ready.

They stuck us in a room. I remember that we sat in some chairs and there were a lot of boxes in there. We didn't talk much as we waited. My heart was already hurting.

Then the doctor came and got us. There was a doctor, a resident, and a student, plus the u/s tech came in too. The resident did the ultrasound. I do not remember much talking; maybe some between the doctor and resident, but that was about it. The ultrasound tech pulled a book out and looked up what percentile Janie Beth was in for the size of her chest cavity. Two and a half percent! I will remember that forever. Janie Beth wasn't behaving as well for these docs, and the resident had trouble getting a couple measurements so the doctor took over.

When they were done, the doctor talked to us. I do not remember exactly what he said, but I know he started with telling us the names of 2 different types of dwarfism and that Janie Beth had one of them. I know that he told us she would not live, but how he phrased it I do not know. He did say at one point that she could surprise us. (In our language, that is God might do a miracle. :) ) I had tears streaming down my face, but I didn't lose it completely. The ultrasound tech was crying, as were the resident and student (all of which were female). He asked us if we had any questions. Are you serious!?! You just told me my daughter is going to die and you expect me to know what questions to ask! Of course, we didn't have any at that point. The resident was kind enough to get me the kleenex.

We left that little room forever changed. I handed over my paperwork to the check out lady with a red face and tear stained cheeks. She didn't ask. As we were walking out, I told Joey I needed to go to the bathroom before we left. It was in that one person bathroom that I looked in the mirror and said those words. I gave it all to God in that moment. He was in control.

What do you say when you get in the car after you are told your daughter is not going to live? I don't remember. I do remember that we went to McDonald's drive-thru. I remember thinking about calling people and having to tell the kids. It was a long, sad drive home. Very quickly many were praying on our behalf! A sweet lady even called me as we were driving and told me not to give up hope.

The kids stayed at my mom's with Poppa that day. My parents knew, but we were going to tell the kids when we got home. The doctor had given us a picture of her chest and belly, and Joey used that to explain to the kids that her chest wasn't big enough for her lungs to grow and be able to breathe. Katie Jo cried; a very hard moment. We told them we would be praying for a miracle, but that it was ok if Janie Beth went to Heaven. We know God loves us and He is going to do what is best for us and Janie Beth. And so began The Journey of the Karr's, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.

God is still doing what is best for us, even when it doesn't feel like it. There is always someone missing. We went to the cemetary today. It was Joy Michelle's first visit. The picture at the top of the blog is the closest I will ever get to a picture of all my kiddos together. It hurts.

God graciously carried me through November 19, 2010. I started this post on Nov. 19, but didn't finish it until today. The morning was hard on Friday, but I played one of the cd's that helps me, and I just sang. A precious friend and her little girl came over that afternoon, and it was nice to visit with them! Joey picked up pizza for him, Josiah, and Katie Jo, and Burger King for Eli. We put the kids to bed and Joey and I watched a movie. Joy Michelle hung out with Joey and I, and I held her extra tight all day.

Trust His Heart

I heard this song on my ipod a couple days ago. I wanted to share it. It really touched me! I tried to find it on Youtube, but there isn't one sung by Newsong, just some other lady, and it isn't as good! So, here are the lyrics..

Trust His Heart-Newsong

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows what's best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can’t see Him,
Remember He's still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So don't live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry, He's weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

Trying to Prepare

I am trying to prepare for Joy Michelle's arrival. With most of my pregnancies I try to be pretty ready around 30 wks or so. I believe I went into protect myself mode. I allowed myself to put up the crib and put some bedding on it. I have clothes for her, but they were in boxes or just stuck in random places. If I didn't prepare then I wouldn't be hurt if something goes wrong.

Yea right!!! With the early dilation and contractions, I have been somewhat forced to move forward. Without even realizing it, I was in L&D 9 months after Janie Beth passed away to get my steriod shot. I went the next day for my second shot, 9 months after I left the hospital holding my baby to take her to the funeral home. This time, both days, I had a cute little girl with me in a stroller. :) Gwyn accompanied me to get both of my shots. She happened to be with me at the doctor the first day, and she got to come the next day too.

I realized in the evening of the 30th that I had been at the hospital and that it was the 30th. The 29th escaped me completely. I really didn't feel bad that I hadn't noticed, but it made me catch my breath. It made me think back to those days in December that I was in L&D and how different they were compared to these days in September.

I have emotions that fill me every time I walk down the hallway in L&D. I cannot tell you what they are, but there are many. It is vast mix I believe. Every time, my mind goes to December 29, 2009. I will never forget the nurse that brought us back or the room we were in. The huge mix of emotions from that day as well.

I wonder just how it will feel to walk down that hallway when I go into labor this time. I wonder who my nurses will be. I wonder....

I am trying to allow myself to be excited again. As we draw nearer, I long to hold Joy Michelle and see what she looks like. As I do, I try to remember what it felt like to hold Janie Beth.

My bags are packed. My list is written. My heart is ready. My arms are longing. Her bed is waiting. Her clothes are washed. Now, in God's perfect time she will come and join our family outside my belly. I have let go. I am giving God control, like He didn't have it before, but I am not trying to take it now. :) If she ends up in the NICU, that is ok, that is the plan. We will be ready when He is ready.

Do I feel totally ready? NO! and YES! LOL "He makes all things beautiful in His time."

I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. As of Monday, I was 3 cm dilated. I have had to up my meds in the last couple days to 1 every 4 hours because they weren't doing as much anymore. I am supposed to keep my feet up practically all the time. I am anxious to see how Tues goes! I will be 34 wks on Wed. Janie Beth was born at 34 wks 1 day. My heart is full! My cup runneth over! God is healing me!

I took a picture of myself this morning. :) (Not the best, but I hope to get a good one later.) I haven't really grown much in the last few weeks. I have been measuring 34 wks since 30 wks. I hope to have grown on Tuesday, and if not I may ask for a u/s to check everything.

Some Hard Times

We are going through some hard times right now.

Joey is flying out to CA this evening to see his dad one more time. He, Jim, came home Monday with Hospice from rehab. He is tired of fighting, and is fading extremely quickly. He is not expected to make it to Thursday. Joey's mom passed away in 1998, so Jim is his last living parent. Please keep Jim and the family in your prayers over the days and week to come.

We have also been having major car issues. UGH! We are currently driving my mom's van and she has Joey's car because we cannot fit in Joey's car. An amazing man came and picked up our van yesterday and thinks he knows what the problem is. Praise the Lord!! We are still praying for God to provide a bigger vehicle in his time that will hold 5 carseats because my sister's baby girl, Gwyn, will be staying with us during the day starting next week. But, I know God is fully capable of meeting all of our needs.

The first mommy friend that I have that shared her news of being pregnant after Janie Beth just had her baby girl a week ago. It really hit me harder than I expected. Due to our car issues I haven't gotten to meet the newest addition to their family, but I know in God's time. I pray that in God's time it will get easier to watch others have babies. I really am happy for them because I don't want them to sit in my shoes, but it still hurts my heart for my journey to be different.

Being past 28 wks has put me into a cherish every moment state. I am in the time frame that I was trying to cherish every moment I had with Janie Beth. I miss her so much as I feel Joy Michelle kick and move around. I miss her as the cool mornings are coming. I miss her as we prepare for Joy Michelle to prayfully come home.  I miss her as we approach 9 months since we held her. But, I also rejoice for the time I had with her! I am thankful for the life growing inside me.

We even got a peek at Joy Michelle last week. :) She looks just like Janie Beth and Katie Jo, which means she looks like Eli too, but we are only going to talk girls. :) She is measuring great! I can't wait to meet her and hold her!!!

I am trying to leave all my fears in God's hands! As we approach the end of the pregnancy and the death of Joey's dad, I fear someone else getting sick or dying. I fear Joey not making it home safely. Every little ailment in my children I start to head down the road of something major being wrong. I have to constanly take my thoughts captive! I am learning to let go and trust, yet again.

I miss God. I haven't had as much time with Him over the last week or so as I usually do and I long to get back. That is my prayer, to have some quality time with God this evening once I get the kids in bed, and then for Him to wake me in the morning for quality time before the kids get up. I know He is here and I know He is carrying me and being my strength and my faith. As I miss Him, I also feel close to Him, as crazy as that sounds.

I have several posts in my head, and I hope to get them typed up in the coming days. I also want to upload the picture we got of Joy Michelle at our appointment. :)

A Rut, yet Called to go Deeper

A rut, that is what I feel like I am in. I am not completely sure why, but I feel as though I am trudging through mud just trying to make it through the day. We are finding our schedule for school, but there are still some things I want to work out or in. We have enjoyed school on the back porch the last couple mornings as a hint of fall is entering the air!! (I will say that we only have 1 week until the first SEC football game!! WOO HOO!!)

Yesterday all the verses God led me to were about going deeper, in some way or another. I am reading through Hebrews 11 before I go to bed and I read about Abel and his sacrifice. I started asking myself "what am I willing to sacrifice for God?" I believe the hardest thing to sacrifice is my ego, and what I feel is a right to myself. Totally letting go and letting God is a sacrifice because then my superficial control is gone. I know it is superficial because in reality I am not in control at all, I just try to be.

So, I read about that Tuesday night, and then God followed it up Wed morning in both my Bible reading and my devotional.
2 Peter 1:5
 But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge,

Diligence. That is not something to take lightly! Diligence requires work and effort, it requires sacrifice on my part. "Add to faith virtue." Adding isn't easy either! You mean I can't just stop at faith!?! This journey of life is a growing journey. We are not called to just learn one thing and sit on it the rest of our lives. I am called to take another step and go deeper.

Then, I went into my devotion and it was about building your house on the rock. I had not really read it in Luke before, or it just hadn't grabbed me in the way that it did yesterday.
Luke 6:48
"He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock."

WOW!! You mean I have to dig deep to lay my foundation on the Rock! Haven't I gone deep enough!?! (Sadly, this is what entered my mind.) But, then I realized I still have all kinds of mess and rubble that need to be cleared away in order for me to truly build my foundation on the Rock. Digging is hard work, and you can't just leave the pile of mess, you have to clean it up! Yikes! I am glad God is the top garbage man there is!!! I doubt He has been called that before, but for me in this time He will be my Garbage Man and He will take it to the ultimate dump, one that is as far from the east is from the west. :)

During my quiet time yesterday, I realized that God is calling me yet deeper. It is scary in a sense. I am not sure I want to see the garbage that we will have to dig up in order to lay this new foundation. I believe that there are different depths of foundation built on the Rock. There are times when we are called to lay another layer of foundation, and to clearn away the rubble that has begun to cover the foundation. God and I are going on a digging journey to clear away the dross. I am not sure how deep this digging will go, but I have been praying for Him to mold me as a wife and mother.

I also think going deeper has to do with entering fall. I am so excited to be entering the fall season. Football is coming and we can get outside and not melt. But, I also think this fall will be hard. I will need to go deeper in order to take steps through this season that will be hard and far different from last fall. God is calling me to believe and have faith. He wants me to let go and let Him rule my life as I enter a fun, yet hard time of year.

I really don't have a clue how any of this is going to actually play out, but I know God does and He sees the big picture and the outcome. I will cling to the promise that the Son/sun is shining behind the clouds. :)

I AM

"I AM" WOW! That is what those words should make me say. Those 2 little words have enormous power behind them. Exodus 3:14; And God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." WOW! What is there for me to fear when I have I AM, and I AM is ALL I need!

Yesterday morning, I was up at 3am. My sister was going to be induced at 5am. My devotion was about I AM! I knew God had my devotions be exactly what they were supposed to be yesterday. He always meets me right where I am, and knows exactly what I need. I was honored to be in the L&D room with her and help her through her labor, but I had no idea how this would affect me. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would intercede for me on my behalf because I really didn't have a clue where my emotions would go. Then, I read that He is I AM.

Here is an excerpt from The One Year Book of Hope (p.226)
I AM a Redeemer who has orchestrated every aspect of your life to prepare you to serve others. I AM with you wherever you go, leading and guiding you. I AM the One who will enable you to do what I've called you to do. I AM everything you need.

How much better can you get than that!?!

You see, I had another engagement yesterday afternoon that was very important to me, so I had to just let go of yesterday (which I should do everyday!) and allow God to direct my steps and the guide the day. I had to leave the hospital at 1:00pm. My sister was at 9cm. I really enjoyed, as weird as that sounds, being in the room with her and helping her out. My mom was her real coach and her husband was her squeeze object. :) But, I had to take over the coaching at times, and I got to rub her back. I have had epidurals with all of my children, but Joy Michelle will be a natural delivery for me, so this helped to prepare me for that as well.

I really didn't have trouble being at the hospital and in the same places that I was with Janie Beth. God always gives me just what I need. There was a moment when we first went back that we turned a corner to go to her L&D room, and I longed to run to L&D 6 to be where my baby girl had been. I had a couple other moments when the stark reality of how different our journey's are hit me, but I did well, God is strong where I am weak.

It was hard to me to leave her at 1! I wanted to stay and help her push and take pictures, but that was not God's plan. I felt bad leaving her, but I also knew that I wasn't supposed to be there, that wasn't part of my journey this time. I admit that I cried a lot in the car to our next destination. The emotions of the morning caught up with me. The reality that they would get to hold their baby girl and feed her and feel the warmth of her body hit me too. I am so very happy for them!!! Yet, my heart hurt to hold and feed my baby girl.

But, yet again, God is gracious and His timing truly is perfect!!! My husband and I had to leave the hospital to go to an interview about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and the impact they had on our lives. As I was leaving my sister to welcome her baby, I was going to talk about my heavenly baby. :) I don't get to talk about her very often, so I love any opportunity I can get! I do not know that words could ever express how NILMDTS touched our lives. To have pictures of those moments is priceless. She captured moments that had no idea were there, and we are beyond grateful.

Not only did I get to talk about my heavenly Janie Beth, I got to celebrate Joy Michelle. The photographer from the paper was going to take some pictures of Kelly taking pictures, so she snapped some maternity shots of Joy Michelle. :)

August 12, 2010 was a very blessed day for me!!! God graciously orchestrated things to go just the way He wanted. My precious niece, Gwyn Michelle, was born healthy. I got to share Janie Beth and enjoy Joy Michelle.

Due to my leaving the hospital, I was afraid that I would not get to see my children see their new cousin and hold her. I felt that maybe that would be best for me, but they haven't gotten to hold her yet because she was squeaking, so she went to the nursery for a bit. It will be part of my journey to see them hold her. I did hear how they reacted in the hallway to seeing her, and it brought a smile to my face as well as a tear to my eye as I know what they would be like with Janie Beth. The squeaking Gwyn made, I have no doubt, is part of the reason God didn't have her there before I left because that is the noise Janie Beth made when she tried to breathe. She is fine though, and doing fantastic.

This has brought me to a turn on the road of my grief. I really thought I would have dealt more with babies coming home because I had a friend who brought her baby home just a couple months after Janie Beth was born, but I really didn't. I think I somewhat lived through her, and now I will allow God to heal another part of the pain that is deep in my heart. I miss Janie Beth a lot!! But, I am going to enjoy the beautiful little girl God brought into this world, even if I cry while I smile. :) Gwyn Michelle and Joy Michelle will, I pray, be best of buds!!

I AM is AWESOME!!! Without Him I don't want to think about how my day would have gone. And, I pray that as I release the pain that I believe I have been bottling up the last few weeks anticipating Gwyn's arrival, God will help me become the wife, mother, and woman (and Aunt :)) that He has called me to be.

Thank You, Abba, for being my I AM!!! I love You and I never cease to be amazed by the grace and mercy You give me each day! May You be lifted up and glorified in my life and through my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The Unknown is Hard

This church searching is very hard!!! Most days I do well and keep my focus where it needs to be, but today I am struggling. I feel like we are in a pile of old rags in a corner that has been forgotten. I am wondering if we will ever serve God on staff anywhere again. I just want to throw a ton of questions at God. I know I could, but they wouldn't bring me any comfort. I keep repeating Bible verses in my head and praying for God's will. He seems to be making His will known more by answering "no" and closing doors than anything else. We are making some changes right now even though we aren't going on staff anywhere. That is hard too. We are closing a chapter, part of Janie Beth's chapter. We are kind of re-visiting a chapter from the past. I guess God wasn't done writing in that chapter yet. I know He has plans for us as we move on, and I have been praying about where He wants us to serve Him, but I was really hoping it would have some income. I need to rest in the fact that God has provided for us and we are not in need of income right now, so I shouldn't be bemoaning the fact that we don't have one! Yet, I wonder how long this storm will last. The clouds are so thick and dark, and there is no rainbow in sight. I am trying hard to cling to the promise that the sun/Son is behind the clouds!

God uses these times to refine us and draw near to Him. He is using this time to prepare us for His plans. He is getting our hearts in tune with His. But, through all this I wonder when the other shoe will drop. Fear so easily sets in when all you are faced with is unknown. I want to know the outcome instead of waiting. We have been waiting a long time, and obviously I am not done learning. I am praying that I learn it all through this lesson and don't have to have this lesson again! :) But, sadly, I easily forget what I have already been taught. I am praying for a ray of sunshine to peak through one of the clouds that is surrounding us.

Psalm 119:81-82 My soul faints for Your salvation, but I hope in Your word. My eyes fail from searching Your word saying, "When will You comfort me?"

I cried this to God last night. We have been seeking Him and wanting to follow wherever He leads. When will we get where He wants us?? Heck, we may already be on our way there, we just need to hold on and watch Him work. Because He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think.

Joey brought us to Isaiah 41:10, 13 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.... For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'

That is a cool picture! God is fighting for us with His right hand, and He is holding our right hand. So He is a step or so ahead of me with His right hand raised while His left hand reaches back and hold mine. I need that! I need Him fighting for me. He is the endurance and perseverance that I have been praying for. He is the writer of my faith. If I will just trust Him, He will be strong where I am weak. My God reigns and He is Mighty to Save!!! As I trudge through the mud with my head hanging, God will raise my head and pull my feet out of the mud.

Abba Father, please show us Your power to save us. May You have compassion on us. Please show us a ray of sunshine in this storm. Thank You for fighting for us!! Help me keep my mind focused on You so that I can be at perfect peace. My heart hurts as I feel forgotten. Father, please be our endurance and perseverance. Write our faith and be our strength in these days in the mud that has accumulated from this long storm. Only You can bring us through this journey. May You bless us and keep us. May You make Your face to shine upon us and be gracious to us. May You lift up Your countenance upon us and give us peace. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.