Fall

Fall. Wow how that word stirs my soul. I first wrote it as the season of Fall, but then I realized that it means so much more for me. The season of Fall makes me fall. Crazy as it sounds, I fall more in love with Janie Beth as we enter the season that was so full of her, knowing that winter isn't that far away. I seek to fall more in love with Jesus as I fall back into grief. It is grief of a different phase, but I fall there regardless. I miss her still. She is in the wind as I seek to feel her in my arms because she just breezes through them. She is in the leaves falling. She was here for such a short time. Her leaves fell so quickly.

I picture my kids falling into a pile of leaves. I can hear their laughter. I wonder. But, there is a smile because I know that is what she is doing. I look at my kids and I marvel at the gifts that have been given me. I fall at my Father's feet because I feel so unworthy and thankful. I felt those first obvious kicks today, while singing in church, and I thought of Janie Beth and how church was her place to kick too. How special to have those memories. God is good!

When I was choosing Janie's decoration for her grave for the Fall, I wanted very much to have something about thanks on it. I looked for quite some time before I found the right one. I pray that I will give thanks to the Lord!

I'm not sure that anything I said in this post made sense, but that is what was on my heart.

Yet Again...

So, here I sit on another Wed night pouring my heart out to God. You see, Joey is leading the College Bible study at church on Wed nights from 8:30-10, so I have plenty of God time after the kids go to bed. I miss Joey being here, but I am enjoying these special times with God. They do not happen often enough, and that is all my fault! Something I need to work on, and I am hoping the clocks moving back and getting the sun up before 7:30 will help with that. :)

Anyways... I was pouring out my heart again. I was telling God how weary I am of the waiting and wandering. This desert is getting old. Every time it looks like we are coming up on land, it turns out to be a mirage. As we walk along the hall and knock on each door it turns out they are all locked. Will it ever be the real thing? I pleaded and begged that God would just show us the next step. I told Him that I feel like He is right there and I can feel His breathe, but not His arms. It is like when you are kid and your parents are teaching you to swim and they keep backing up because they know you can go further. That is exactly what I feel like God is doing. He keeps backing up pushing me to come further. I need endurance and perseverance to finish this race!

I asked God to speak to me through His Word, well, beg would be a better word. LOL And you know what!?! He did!!! I decided last week that I would start reading through Psalms, but start in the back because I never make it all the way through. :) Joey suggested starting in the 5th book of Psalms (it is divided up into 5 books). So, I have been reading through Psalm 107 the last few nights. I opened it up, and low and behold here is what the next verse said...

And He led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:7

He will lead us in the right way!!! He will bring us out of this wilderness and into a city, our promised land, where we can dwell and serve with Him!

Let me back up to verse 4 so you can get the whole effect. I am telling you this Psalm is right where I am, and I have only made it through the first 9 verses!

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried out ot the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forthe by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Ps 107:4-7

But, you can't stop there! Verse 8 tells us to be thankful! I definitely expressed my thanks after reading verse 7 before I even looked at verse 8.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. Ps 107:8-9

One of my sacrifices right now in the wilderness is thanksgiving. I am to be thankful when it is hard to be thankful! The thing is there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to look!! He is doing wonderful works in our midst daily, just His provision for our family is an amazing work! He will satisfy our longing souls more than we could ever imagine. He is just awesome like that. He loves me! Jesus knows my name. It is written on His palm because He is my Savior! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Abba, Abba! Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Just wispering Your name brings a peace to my heart. Thank You for meeting me again right where I am. No, You didn't show me the next step to take. But, You did show me Your promise that You will lead me in the right way. You will bring us to a city to dwell in. May You continue to draw us closer. I want to love You, Jesus, more and more. Show what I am to be doing as I wait. May I not waste this time. Thank You for showing me that the first thing I am to be doing is trusting You! You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, and in You I put my trust. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

And God...

So, I'm going to be completely honest. I have not been in the best place lately. I have felt as though I am standing in the mud and I am surrounded by fog. The mud is weighing my feet down where I don't feel as though I have enough energy to take a step, and I don't have a clue which way to take a step because the fog is so thick I can't see more than a few inches in front of me.

How did I get here? I am not totally sure, but I know it doesn't take long to get here. You just have to stick your toe in the crack of the door and before you know it the door is wide open. I think there are several things that have contributed. For some reason I have more nerves this pregnancy than my last pregnancy. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that life is so uncertain right now. Which is another contributor. We are coming up on 3 yrs without a job in November. I am amazed that we have been in this place for this long!!! I am weary. I long for God to open a door; to shed some light; to be Big! I feel forgotten. I wonder if our lives will be like this forever. (When I let my thoughts start running away like this, it is so easy to spiral down!!! I need to find my trusty Bible verse notebook to pull out during these moments!)

I also feel as though I have stopped cherishing life. I have built my trusty walls back up!! This makes me so mad because I really thought God and I had done some work on tearing them down after Janie Beth died. I pray that they are not as thick this time, and though the battle will be hard, we will begin to tear them down for good this time. These walls affect most every area of my life, and I am ready for these chains to be broken once and for all! I think the hugeness (is that even a word LOL) of this battle has been looming before me and instead of going into it, I have been running. :O This, of course, pushes God away! It starts a horrible cycle! I run, so I don't do my prayer and quiet times, so I distance myself from God and feel more alone, so I run harder because there is no way I can fight this battle without Him and He is not close enough, so then I do less prayer and quiet time, ect. ect.!

I admitted to a couple friends tonight that I haven't been doing my times like I should, and I guess being open with others convicted me more! Then, I went and read an amazing blog post (here). It spoke to me down deep. I decided I was off to spend some time with God and read Psalm 113 for myself. Well, I should have known God would have other plans. :)

I opened my Bible to the Psalms. I was flipping back to find 113 and came across some verses that I had underlines in Psalm 138. BAM! There was God!!! He was waiting for me. He has been waiting ever so patiently for me to realize the error of my ways and run back to Him instead of away from Him.

Verse 8  The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands.

WOW!! God is going to perfect that which concerns me!!!! He knows everything that is going on in my life. He knows my deepest desires and fears. He is going to perfect that job He has for our family. He is going to perfect His call on my life. He will help me tear down these walls!!! I already have victory in Jesus, so I should not fear failure. Setbacks, yes, but ultimate failure, no not unless I choose to quit the battle. God has a purpose for my life. He knows the kind of woman, wife, and mother I want to be, and He wants even more than that for me! He will do it! His mercy endures forever as I fall and trip and stumble throughout the battle. He will uplift when I fall and catch me when I trip. He will give me all that I need. He is working! We are going to conquer this promise land that He has for me! What a Mighty God we serve!!!! He will not stop working on me until I get to Heaven.  Thank You, Father!!!!

Father God, more than anything I ask for Your forgiveness for my fear and my running away; for my lack of faith and my selfishness. May You wash me white as snow through the precious blood of Jesus. Pick me up and wipe me off. My life is still surrounded by fog as I have no idea what the future holds or what steps You have next for us, but I will stand on Your promises. You are working all things together for our good and Your glory! You are never going to leave us! You are going to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. I am ready for the battle, Father. I will put on Your armor. I am ready to attack these walls and be free from the bondage and live my life to the fullest through Jesus Christ. I am Yours! Mold me, fill me, use me, change me! Thank You for loving me so much! Thank You for waiting for me. You never moved, only me. You stood firm gently calling. Thank You!!! I need You. Thank You that You are going to perfect that which concerns me!!! You are Awesome! You are Mighty to Save! I love You, Abba!!! Draw me close to You. I want to fall more in love with You. Thank You for this battle so that You can do just that in my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.