"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Trying to Prepare

I am trying to prepare for Joy Michelle's arrival. With most of my pregnancies I try to be pretty ready around 30 wks or so. I believe I went into protect myself mode. I allowed myself to put up the crib and put some bedding on it. I have clothes for her, but they were in boxes or just stuck in random places. If I didn't prepare then I wouldn't be hurt if something goes wrong.

Yea right!!! With the early dilation and contractions, I have been somewhat forced to move forward. Without even realizing it, I was in L&D 9 months after Janie Beth passed away to get my steriod shot. I went the next day for my second shot, 9 months after I left the hospital holding my baby to take her to the funeral home. This time, both days, I had a cute little girl with me in a stroller. :) Gwyn accompanied me to get both of my shots. She happened to be with me at the doctor the first day, and she got to come the next day too.

I realized in the evening of the 30th that I had been at the hospital and that it was the 30th. The 29th escaped me completely. I really didn't feel bad that I hadn't noticed, but it made me catch my breath. It made me think back to those days in December that I was in L&D and how different they were compared to these days in September.

I have emotions that fill me every time I walk down the hallway in L&D. I cannot tell you what they are, but there are many. It is vast mix I believe. Every time, my mind goes to December 29, 2009. I will never forget the nurse that brought us back or the room we were in. The huge mix of emotions from that day as well.

I wonder just how it will feel to walk down that hallway when I go into labor this time. I wonder who my nurses will be. I wonder....

I am trying to allow myself to be excited again. As we draw nearer, I long to hold Joy Michelle and see what she looks like. As I do, I try to remember what it felt like to hold Janie Beth.

My bags are packed. My list is written. My heart is ready. My arms are longing. Her bed is waiting. Her clothes are washed. Now, in God's perfect time she will come and join our family outside my belly. I have let go. I am giving God control, like He didn't have it before, but I am not trying to take it now. :) If she ends up in the NICU, that is ok, that is the plan. We will be ready when He is ready.

Do I feel totally ready? NO! and YES! LOL "He makes all things beautiful in His time."

I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. As of Monday, I was 3 cm dilated. I have had to up my meds in the last couple days to 1 every 4 hours because they weren't doing as much anymore. I am supposed to keep my feet up practically all the time. I am anxious to see how Tues goes! I will be 34 wks on Wed. Janie Beth was born at 34 wks 1 day. My heart is full! My cup runneth over! God is healing me!

I took a picture of myself this morning. :) (Not the best, but I hope to get a good one later.) I haven't really grown much in the last few weeks. I have been measuring 34 wks since 30 wks. I hope to have grown on Tuesday, and if not I may ask for a u/s to check everything.


  1. Still thinking of you guys and praying.

  2. Oh my goodness!! Look at the beautiful momma!! You are stunning in this picture... it's the smile.

    Much love and prayers!!

  3. You and your words are absolutely BEAUTIFUL! Praise Him that you are so close and blessed to hold Joy so soon. We are praying every day that your bedrest is as pleasant as it can be. :)

  4. You're getting closer and closer!! I can't wait til your precious baby is in your arms.