With My Whole Heart

WOW!!! That is all I can say about how Amazing God's word is!! It is so full. It is alive and active. It compliments itself. It all works together. God has been showing me some awesome things and I feel as though I am on the verge of putting the pieces in the puzzle. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a major break through about to jump into the presence of God! I can't put the feeling into words that fills my heart!

I have been seeking God wholeheartedly this year. He is showing me verse after verse. They all connect; yet, they are all written years and years apart. It is so excited! The funny thing is, it catchs me off guard each time! I go in expecting God to speak to me through His word, but then He lets it all work together to reenforce itself. WOW!!!

I have also started the study Experiencing God. I cannot tell you how excited I am!! I haven't done a study like this in quite some time. I trully want to experience God this year. I was super stoked when Joey told me that he thought I should do a study this semester because it would be encouraging for me. And what study is available!?! Experiencing God. That is the aim as I seek Him with my whole heart this year. Isn't He good!?!

I have so many thoughts swarming in my head right now that I can't get them coherently down. :) I pray that God will give me time to put these amazing puzzle pieces together and begin to write about all the nuggets He is showing me.

I just wanted to hop on today and say my God is an Awesome God!!!! Worthy to be praised!!! He answers prayers in amazing ways!!! He loves me! :O That is so humbling. The fact that He is teaching me so much is humbling.

Abba, thank You! May You continue to grow me in the grace and knowledge of my Savior Jesus Christ. Continue to prune my heart so that it can seek You wholeheartedly. I want You to be my treasure. Show me Your will, Father. This is Your day. May You be lifted up and glorified through my life! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I can't wait to share everything God is showing me!!! I feel like a little kid in a toy store. :)

Wholeheartedly Conquer

A Tall Order!
But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you, then it hsall be that those whom you let remain shall be irritants in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land where you dwell. Numbers 33:55

As we are entering our Promised Land and fighting the battles to conquer it, we must drive out the inhabitants completely! There will be no short-changing God's orders! If we don't go at this wholeheartedly, then it will come back to bite us in the bootie later. OUCH! I would rather not have to deal with that.

As God calls us to change things, we must change them wholeheartedly. With our whole hearts we have sought You; Oh, let us not wander from Your commandments! (Ps 119:10) I cannot bargain with God. I must do exactly as He says.

Part of this conquering is being pruned!
"and every branch that bears fruit He pruned that it may bear more fruit."(John 15:2b)
Pruning hurts and if we don't completely (wholeheartedly) pull those bad parts off then they will come back and attack us later! God is pruning me through this pregnancy. I really can't tell you much about my pregnancy with Joy Schelle because I went through it in a daze, but I am much more aware this time! The main thing that God is pruning is fear!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

I have built my walls back up :(. I have not allowed myself to love my husband and children, and even God and Jesus. This time I am going to conquer these walls completely! I am asking God to perfect His love in me! I am wholeheartedly letting go. I want to cherish each and every moment. I do not want to fear losing someone, so then I pull back so that it won't hurt too much when I do lose them. I don't want to be hurt. But, in pulling back, I am missing out! I am tired of missing out! I have had periods of time where I cherish and periods of time where I miss out, and I am tired of it! Therefore, I am setting out into this battle to conquer fear completely and drive it out of my Promised Land and family. I do not want this to be an inheretance that I leave my children!

"For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him." (Matt. 13:12)

What am I doing with what God has given me!?! Lately I have been pushing it all away; just going through the motions. I want the abundance that God has waiting for me! I want to be faithful with what I am given. The pruning brings abundance!

I do not want to be like the Israelites!!
"and they brought back word to us, saying, 'It is a good land which the Lord our God is giving us.' Nevertheless you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the Lord your God;" (Duet. 1:25b-26)

Nevertheless!?! They knew the land was good, nevertheless they wouldn't go!! What!?! How many times does God show me a better way but I'm not willing to go because it looks too difficult to conquer!?! I have been telling God that it looks great to live a life without fear, but it will be too difficult to really conquer it. I just push it down until it comes back up. How silly does it sound to fear conquering fear!?! Seriously? But, in essence that is what I have been doing.

But, look at this amazing promise!!!

Then [Moses] said to you, 'Do not be terrified, or afraid fo them. The Lord your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes. (Deut. 1:29-30)

God goes before me! He fights for me! The sad thing is, that even after the Israelites were reminded of all that God had done for them, they still weren't willing to go and wouldn't believe. I have been just like the Israelites! Ouch!!

In my quest to wholeheartedly love God, Jesus, and my family, I am going to wholeheartedly conquer fear through the perfect love of God! :)

Thank You, Abba, for Your longsuffering! Thank You for Your mercy and grace! Forgive me for running away for so long, even when You had proven Yourself in other things. I am still a little scared to let go because it opens me up, but it will also free me. May You continue to go before me and fight for me! Thank You for taking the time to go with me into battle, for I know that without You I can do nothing!!! Cleanse my heart and make me a new creation of love. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

East of the Jordan

Before Janie Beth, I was settling on the East of the Jordan.

This morning I was reading Numbers 32. It is the chapter where the tribe of Rueben, Gad, and half of Manessah ask Moses to let them settle on the East side of the Jordan. I then moved on and read in John, but I kept thinking about settling on the East side of the Jordan.

How many times do we pitch our tents on the East side of the Jordan because it looks so good even though it isn't the Promised Land. We still get blessings on the East side when we are following God's laws, but what are we missing out on!?! It is wonderful land and our families might be safe there, but what are we missing out on? We are comfy on the East side. We aren't challenged. We don't grow. We don't change. We just hang out and have God in a little compartment of our lives.

I was living on the East side of the Jordan! I had my 3 kids. My husband had a job. We had a house. The kids went to a little 2 hour/ 3 days a week program at the local tech school where they taught teenagers how to teach preschoolers. I had what I tought was the life. God fit right in, and I could still go about doing the things I had always done. My kids were kind of like a status symbol. I had them and I loved them, and I was called their Mother, but I wasn't really mothering them. I would if it was convenient for me, but they weren't really my priority. I was the preacher's wife. I had a title and status in the community. I felt important. I was blessed. God was teaching me, but it was on the surface. Oh, He was calling me deeper, but I didn't really want to hear it. I was having a good time on the East side.

Then life got hairy. We lost our job. We got a home, but it was half the size and the garage was piled high with boxes because we didn't have room and Joey didn't have an office. We became regular church members. I had faith that God would pull us through somehow, but my life was upside down! What happened to the East side of the Jordan!?!

Then, we found our we were expecting. Yay, a bright spot in this thunderstorm we were living in. But, I had a feeling...something wasn't quite right. Little did I know just how "not right" they were. But, I trudged forward. Then, we found out Janie Beth wouldn't be able to live after birth. REALLY!?! Are you serious? "God, I don't know what You are doing, but I pray that You be glorified!" Then, Janie Beth was born Dec. 29, 2009 and then went to heaven 2 yrs ago today. Thus began an even darker storm...

But, this storm would lead me to the river's edge on the East side. All along I thought I was living in the Promised Land, but in reality I was wondering in the wilderness. I was clueless!

God used Janie Beth to part the waters of the Jordan River and call me to the true Promised Land that He had for me. Really!?! We still didn't have a job. We still lived in a small house. I now had 4 children, but 1 of them resided in Heaven. How in the world was this my Promised Land!?!

God asked me if I really wanted to be a wife and mother? Of course! That is all I have ever wanted to be and do. But, you have just used them as a status symbol. A check off your list. They are there to meet your needs. Is that truly what a wife and mother should be?

WOW!!! How little I truly knew, and still know! God called me to accept my calling as a wife and mother. It wasn't a title to just put on. It is so much more than that! It is a lifestyle. It is a huge calling! It has major responsibility. It is hard work. It is rewarding. It is a blessing. It is a true Promised Land!

No, it isn't ready made like the East side of the Jordan, already ready for the livestock and children, but it is where I am truly called to settle. There is a little obstactle. :) Isn't there always!?! :) I have to conquer this Promised Land. I have to work the land to get it ready. I have to dive in with both feet and hands and sweat. I have to fail and get back up and try again. But, it is amazing!!! The land is fruitful if I am willing to take the time to work it. My children's souls and hearts are fruitful! Will I take the time to work them and feed them? Or will I just let them grow as they wish with lots of weeds? I must build my house and make it comfy and cozy. Relaxing for my beloved. I need to make him feel cherished. Am I going to let the world do that? I could try and let it, but it would never do it.

This Promised Land is full. I want to conquer every part of it! I am just scratching the surface of the coast on the West side of the Jordan. It is already amazing, and I know I can't begin to imagine the blessings that await for me and my family as we set out and conquer our Promised Land.

In a little house, with no job, and a child in Heaven, I found the entrance to the Promised Land God has for me. Before life got hairy, I was perfectly happy to be on the East side of the Jordan. I don't know what all awaits us in the Promised Land, and I know there will be hard times, but it will all be blessed. We have God leading us and following us. He has us enclosed all around. He is our helper and our guide. We are wholeheartedly seeking Jesus and following Him on the journey into our Promised Land! It isn't at all what I would have expected, instead it is far better!

Thank You, God, for a precious baby girl named Janie Beth. Thank You for using her 22 hours to bring me on an amazing journey that brought me to the edge of the East side of the Jordan where You showed up and asked me to go deeper! Thank You for Your love and guidance. Thank You for Your grace and mercy as I fail daily. Thank You for Your patience as I have to learn the same lesson over and over. I love You! May I grow to love You more and more. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Change

I believe change is going to be a big part of our lives in 2012. Timothy will be joining our family, we pray. We will be moving somewhere; there is a particular place we are praying for. We will get some kind of job, prayerfully in a church. We will be changing how we do things around here.

2011 was about growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. I will continue to pray that prayer for my family. It has blessed us immensely this year, and I am very thankful for the ways in which God has had my family grow. He is growing us in our desires and priorities.

This year I want to take that even deeper. God has been changing mine and Joey's hearts in many ways. We took the plunge this year and told the kids that Santa isn't real. They really accepted it just fine! I wanted Christmas to be all about Jesus! Last year I brought up telling them about Santa, but our hearts weren't totally ready yet. I am realizing that our focus as a family is in the wrong place so many times! Christmas is a wonderful example because everyone is focused on self. What will I get? How many presents do I have? Me, me, me! But, our focus should be Jesus and giving. We tried to implement a focus change this year, and I plan to do even more next year.

But, I don't want our focus to be on Jesus only at Christmas time! I want our lives to be totally about Him.

I have been reading through Book Five of Psalms at night before going to bed. Sometimes I only get through one verse because it touches me so much, but lately I have been stuck on the same 8 verses. I just can't seem to move beyond them.

Psalm 119:8-16
How can a young man cleanse him way?
By taking heed according to Your word,
With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
Blesse are You, O Lord!
Teach me Your statues.
With my lips I have declared
All the judgments of Your mouth.
I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
I will meditate on Your precepts,
And contemplate Your ways.
I will delight myself in Your statutes;
I will not forget Your word.

All of these verses are rocking my world, but I am really rocked by verse 10 right now.

With my whole heart I have sought You;

Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!

Do I seek Jesus with my whole heart!?! Or is it just with the edges!?! Do I let Him have full access? Am I willing to change and let go of things I really like in order to truly be what He wants me to be? Am I wholeheartedly sold out for Jesus?

In all honesty, my answer to every one of those questions is "no". BUT!! (Don't you just love when it says, "But, God"!!!) But God is changing my heart! He is growing me. I want my answer to those questions to be a big resounding "YES"!!! I want to continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ my Lord and my Savior by wholeheartedly seeking after Him.

My word for me and my family is WHOLEHEARTEDLY! This year we are going to seek to seek after God and Jesus with our whole hearts. We are going to continue to grow, and prayerfully become a family after God's own heart. We are going to change because you cannot seek after Jesus wholeheartedly and not be changed!

This will not be easy!!! I will admit that there is a part of me that is wondering if I will have to let go of things I really like. But, then I think of the amazing things God will fill that place with! Look at the disciples! They dropped everything and went. Their eyes were only on Jesus. I can feel the changing stirring in my soul. It excites me. I am thankful for a husband to go on this journey with. I am thankful that we are changing the way our children are raised. I am thankful that God has called me to a higher standard as His child. I am thankful that He will be with me every step of the way.

I told Joey last night that everything needs to be laid on the table. We have discussed this many times with regard to the church, and how they (every single church) need to revision themselves and lay everything on the table and make sure it is all honoring God and doing what He wants it to. I believe there are times when He may call us to stop a ministry that is doing well because there is another one that needs more attention or is needed more. (That is a rabbit we can chase in another post. LOL) As a couple we need to look at everything we are doing as a family and/or not doing and make sure that it is all lining up with what God wants us to do. I honestly do not know what God may ask us to stop or start, or move away from a little bit, but I do know that His plan for us is good and His will is perfect. It may hurt as we are pruned and as we grow new roots because that is hard work, but we will be so thankful we did it!

So, here we go! We are off on a wholehearted journey toward Jesus!!! :) I hope to write more about the other verses in this section as well now that I have written about verse 10a. God's word is so amazing! Alive and moving still today if we let it!