A Moment

I all of the sudden felt the need to cry, to bawl. Why? What brought it on? I do not know for sure. Maybe it is...

the fact that a dear lady just had a miscarriage

the fact that my kids talk about Janie Beth to visitors and try to show them her pictures. It touches my heart that they don't forget and they want to share her too!

the fact that we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight and Janie Beth went with us last year

the fact that I am done Christmas shopping and there is nothing for her

the fact that I saw the same "J" Christmas flag on another baby girl's grave picture on another blog, and it made me want to go sit with her and see her

the fact that we are going to meet some friends to play that I called on on very hard days in January to meet us to play (not sure why it is different this time.)

the fact that Josiah's birthday is tomorrow

the fact that I want her remembered!!! And I was overwhelmed when Joey searched his name on google and the article that was written here about NILMDTS has been published in many papers, esp Christian ones, around the United States. Janie Beth has travelled further than I have! I pray she touched many lives. Wow!!! She isn't forgotten!

the fact that a dear friend didn't forget Janie Beth!! She even remembered her when it snowed. Thank you, Erin!!!

My heart didn't start out heavy today, but it is now. Grief has a mind of its own!

Abba Father, please come in and heal my heart!! God deeper than my pain! Carry me through these days. I miss her so much! Be big, God. Please, be big! I need You in ways I do not even realize. I lean on You more than I even realize. I pray that I love You deeper than I realize. I want to love You more. Thank You for this time of celebrating Jesus' birth!!! Thank You for making a way for my family to one day be all together again! Please save each member of my family so that they can be with us in Heaven, so we can praise You all together. Please give Janie Beth an extra hug for me! Tell her I love her. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Memories

Amanda shared this poem on her blog. She received it in a Christmas card from the funeral home that did precious Caroline's funeral. How true!

"Around the Christmas table

there's an empty chair this year....
The precious smile is missing
of someone we still hold dear.

And yet our hearts are hopeful,
though the season's bittersweet,
Because we know the one we love
has filled another seat.

For another banquet table
abounds with joy and love
For those who've made the journey
to be with our Lord above. "


I remember very well sitting down to eat at the kitchen table for the first time after Janie Beth passed away, and I kept looking at the empty chair. That empty chair had so much meaning now! That chair now has a booster seat reclined in it for Joy Michelle, but I wonder what Janie Beth would look like in it sitting upright, and having a high chair in the corner.

Memories are hard! My memories are not as vivid anymore of my time with Janie Beth. I am so thankful that I wrote in her journal so that I can be refreshed of what we did each day. I can't remember the feel of her anymore, and my arms still ache to hold her little body even as they are filled with Joy Michelle's small body. I wonder just how tall Janie Beth might have been at Christmas time, and I know she would have been darn cute!

Memories are hard to make too. I was talking with some friends a couple weeks ago, and I said that I am still having trouble baking things. I just can't bring myself to do things from scratch very often, esp right now with the holidays. My precious friend said that it would be hard because it would be making memories. How true!! I hadn't thought of it like that. Part of my problem is we are making memories and she isn't here. Why baking is my issue, I do not know, but I know it will slowly come back. I have started baking some lately with pre-done mixes. Hey, it is a start!

I make memories with the kids, but all the while I am picturing what it might be like if Janie Beth was here too. When I am in the girls room, I picture her little self in there. It makes me smile as well as tear up. Then, I try to picture what she must be doing in Heaven, and I realize that it is better than I can even begin to picture! Change the perspective! (I seem to have to do this quite often. :))

There were so many dreams of the memories we would make with Janie Beth; little did we know what shape thoses memories would take.

We were reading "The Legend of the Three Trees" this morning. (A book you must have!) It talks of three different trees God created and what their dreams were.

One dreams of being a treasure chest holding beautiful things. It becomes a manger, holding the best treasure ever, Jesus.

Another dreams of being an elite ship carrying kings and queens. It becomes a small ship that carries Jesus and the disciples across the sea.

The last dreams of always staying on the moutaintop to remind people of God's creation. It becomes a cross that will forever remind people of God and what He did for us.

The last page in the story goes like this...
Each of the three trees' dreams came true-- in ways even bigger than they had imagined! And so it is with each of us: if we follow God's path, we will travel far beyong even our greatest dreams.

WOW! That is all I can say! God speaks to me even through a children's book. :)

Janie is Decorated :)

We went last week and decorated Janie Beth's grave. We waited until the warmest day of the week, Friday. :) (We are wimps in the south when it comes to cold. :))

I love the way it turned out!!!! Joey bought some of the solar lights so that there will always be light around her grave. Her light will never leave our family!

 One pink rose for Janie. Pink roses are my symbol for her.

 We must never forget to BELIEVE!

 Her special 2010 ornament. :)

2010 Angels

We finally finished up the angels with the kids hands and feet. :) I love where I put them on the wall!! Janie Beth trully is singing with the angels! I haven't put a face on Janie's and I am not sure if I will. I plan on putting 2009 on the body of her's with a pink sharper as well.

They are in age order. Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, Janie Beth, Joy Michelle

  All of their angels are hanging in order from most recent at the top to first one at the bottom. We started in 2005.
Josiah, Janie Beth, Eli, Joy Michelle, Katie Jo

Christmas Activities and Life

We are trying to follow Hubbards Cupboard Christmas activities this year. It is really neat and I really like it! We have done 3 days. Why is it when the weekend comes our schedule goes out the window!?! I had planned on doing the activities over the weekend also, but this weekend was packed. We are trying to get back on track today, but Joy Michelle had a rough night and is now having reflux troubles, so we will hopefully catch up tomorrow. We might get some done tonight, I hope!

We are replacing math with Christmas activities this month. Josiah is ahead in Math, so we are just reviewing and doing a worksheet or two a week. School is hard to get done right now! When my grief is close to the surface, it is hard to get it done! Here it is almost 1:00 and we haven't done anything yet. They are cleaning up and then we will do phonics.

I am just so jumbled up! I want things to go great for my kiddos and really focus on Jesus this month, but it is all I can do to get through some of the days. I know it will come in time; at least, I hope so! From reading others blogs I know it gets slightly easier as time goes by. I hope to get things tomorrow to put on Janie Beth's grave, and maybe that will help me some.

I have really been in the mood to finish up the shopping. I had fun last week going to a craft show and the mall. Joy Michelle is shaping up to be another shopping partner! :)

This December just feels alot like last December. I feel as though I am just going through the motions. My house is a mess. I can't seem to get myself in order enough to keep up with everything. I am telling you, grief takes all of your strength sometimes! I am very thankful that I have Joy Michelle to snuggle. She reminds me to slow down sometimes. When she is fussy, I just sit with her, and I remember to cherish these times!

I am trying hard to encourage my family and focus on each of them each day. Eli has really been in need of this lately. I am keeping him close to my side and having him help me with as much as he can because he is being extra "fun" these days. ;) Josiah is the one I am trying to encourage the most. I am telling you, this is way out of my comfort zone! I pray that God really grows in me the ability to encourage all those around me.

The kids can feel the grief and maybe they are grieving themselves as they are constantly at each other these days.

I will say I have a peace that passes understanding as I walk through these days. I can feel God like I did at the beginning of this year. I am very thankful to have Him so close to my side. I pray that He is close to bringing our family out of the limbo we have been in for 2 years now!

The uncertainty for the days ahead is harder some days than others. It is hard to watch the bank account dwindle!

Father, please have compassion on us! May You do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. May You continue to move on our behalf, and write my faith when I cannot see what you are doing and do not understand. You are in control, and I will leave the reigns in Your hands. Open the eyes of my heart and lead me in Your will. I love You! Grow me, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

The Holidays

They are HARD!!!! It hits me the most in church when we sing Christmas hymns. I just want to sit and bawl. Some of my most precious memories of Janie Beth are in church, especially in the month of December. I will never forget the Sunday that I could actually see my belly move.

Right now my heart longs to see her. I wonder what she would look like. I want to be buying special presents for her and special ornaments for her first Christmas. Instead I am looking at figurines and ornaments with angels holding babies (there are some beautiful things), and I bought an ornament that says "Daughter, the Angels sang the day you were born." I know she didn't pass the day she was born, but it reminded me of her. The angels sang the day she was born into Heaven, into the presence of God.

The one ornament that I really wanted came with a special poem, but I was too slow. They were sold out by the time I went to order it and they are not on back order. The Poem is beautiful and is written from the person in Heaven to the people on Earth and is about spending Christmas with Jesus. I know it must be beyond words and completely wonderful!! Yet, my heart still longs for her to be here. It is the human, mommy side of me.

I need to figure out what I want to do for her birthday, and I want to put some special things at her grave. I do not know that we will really do anything for her birthday. It is like my brain just can't go there. 

I want to go and sit at her grave and just be there with her. This urge hits me out of nowhere sometimes. It is there tonight as I am getting ready to go watch the children's program at church. I really didn't think this would bother me, but I am struggling to hold back the tears. Would she dance like she did in my belly last year at the music? She loved music! She still does no doubt and she has heard music that is beyond my imagination in beauty!!!

I am going to change my focus! I am going to be thankful for the blessings that I have here on Earth. I am going to be thankful that Jesus came so that He could die so that my sins could be forgiven; therefore, I will see my baby girl again! I will celebrate the wonder of the Christmas season, and be thankful that Janie Beth is celebrating Jesus' birthday with the Man Himself! She has seen His glory!

Does it take away my pain to change my focus? No, but it puts a smile on my face through the pain.

I love you, Janie Beth!!!

I love You, Abba!!! May You continue to bring healing to my heart through this holiday season. Jesus came to heal, and I thank Him for being willing to come to this earth, be swaddled in dirty rags and laid in a manger. May I never lose the wonder of Jesus! Write my faith, Father, and continue to be strong where I am weak. Thank You for carrying me through, and being so close to me! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Remembering At Christmas

http://sufficientgrace-walkingwithyou.blogspot.com/
 "If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, I hope you will join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to heaven at Christmas time."

Anyone can join in and link up over on Kelly's blog! There are a few giveaway prizes too! It's a beautiful way to share the one(s) you love and miss.

This is our first Christmas since Janie Beth passed away. I am so thankful that she was with us last Christmas, even it was in my belly. Her being here for Christmas was one of my prayers.

Here she is listening to the Christmas story at church on Christmas Eve.

Christmas morning at Nana and Poppa's

Katie Jo was never far away :)

Santa even included her... :)

It is hard to figure out exactly what to do to remember her. I am on the look out for a stocking to hang for her. I would like to collect more ornaments for her. I also want to begin the tradition of getting an angel off the Angel Tree that would be her age. (This will hopefully start next year.) 

Right now Janie Beth has 2 ornaments; one from last year and one that we bought this year.

She also has an angel made out of her handprints and footprint. We do this each year with all the kids and hang them all up. It is fun to see how they have grown. I traced Janie's hands and foot in the hospital so that I would have her angel to hang up every year. I haven't decorated it yet. I hope to tomorrow when we make the other kids angels.

Here is her undecorated angel. (I will post a picture of it decorated once I do it.) Sorry it is sideways!! It isn't on my computer and I can't figure out why it is uploading that way!