"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Holidays

They are HARD!!!! It hits me the most in church when we sing Christmas hymns. I just want to sit and bawl. Some of my most precious memories of Janie Beth are in church, especially in the month of December. I will never forget the Sunday that I could actually see my belly move.

Right now my heart longs to see her. I wonder what she would look like. I want to be buying special presents for her and special ornaments for her first Christmas. Instead I am looking at figurines and ornaments with angels holding babies (there are some beautiful things), and I bought an ornament that says "Daughter, the Angels sang the day you were born." I know she didn't pass the day she was born, but it reminded me of her. The angels sang the day she was born into Heaven, into the presence of God.

The one ornament that I really wanted came with a special poem, but I was too slow. They were sold out by the time I went to order it and they are not on back order. The Poem is beautiful and is written from the person in Heaven to the people on Earth and is about spending Christmas with Jesus. I know it must be beyond words and completely wonderful!! Yet, my heart still longs for her to be here. It is the human, mommy side of me.

I need to figure out what I want to do for her birthday, and I want to put some special things at her grave. I do not know that we will really do anything for her birthday. It is like my brain just can't go there. 

I want to go and sit at her grave and just be there with her. This urge hits me out of nowhere sometimes. It is there tonight as I am getting ready to go watch the children's program at church. I really didn't think this would bother me, but I am struggling to hold back the tears. Would she dance like she did in my belly last year at the music? She loved music! She still does no doubt and she has heard music that is beyond my imagination in beauty!!!

I am going to change my focus! I am going to be thankful for the blessings that I have here on Earth. I am going to be thankful that Jesus came so that He could die so that my sins could be forgiven; therefore, I will see my baby girl again! I will celebrate the wonder of the Christmas season, and be thankful that Janie Beth is celebrating Jesus' birthday with the Man Himself! She has seen His glory!

Does it take away my pain to change my focus? No, but it puts a smile on my face through the pain.

I love you, Janie Beth!!!

I love You, Abba!!! May You continue to bring healing to my heart through this holiday season. Jesus came to heal, and I thank Him for being willing to come to this earth, be swaddled in dirty rags and laid in a manger. May I never lose the wonder of Jesus! Write my faith, Father, and continue to be strong where I am weak. Thank You for carrying me through, and being so close to me! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.


  1. Oh Michelle....I can so relate! It's hard...especially the thoughts of what to do for birthdays...I had so, so many things planned, but honestly, just got too bogged down in the grief and the pressure for perfection and just the heartache in doing those things instead of doing what I really wanted--baking him a cake, watching him eat it...buying him presents and seeing him open them....like you, it was hard to go there.

    So I just didn't...I did what I could and will continue to do what I wanted as I can...and that's just fine. You do what your heart allows you and wants you to do on your own time frame!!

    Sending you lots of love!

  2. Holidays sure can be tough. I hope that this one is gentle on your heart. I'm sure you will figure out the best way to celebrate her birthday. I only wish that all our babies could be here to celebrate them!