Yesterday was a beautiful day here. We started the day with doing the Resurrection Eggs with the kids and going over Jesus' story. Then, we all got ready for church and we headed to the cemetary to tell Janie Beth "Happy Easter". It was hard. I was sad that she wasn't here with us, but also thankful that she was celebrating in Heaven and that Jesus died and rose again so that I can see her again! After church we got together with family. Janie Beth was remembered during the prayer time and it touched me more than most will ever know. My Aunt asked me how I was doing and said that she thought about me while she was in church. It warmed my heart and I am very thankful that she told me!!! Joey and I were exhausted so we came home and laid around. We watched a movie as a family before bed. It was a blessed day! And many people remembered my birthday. I was humbled and thankful!!
And then, today. :) As usual, the hard days don't get to me until the next day. I have been in somewhat of a funk for about a week, or so it seems. I haven't really been down, just not feeling as close to God and not experiencing His peace like I want. This morning I realized that this past week I had gone into survival mode. This means that I try not to feel anything. We have spent a lot of time outside and with friends and that has been wonderful, but I it makes the fact that Janie Beth isn't here all the more real. I miss her more than I even realized!! The pain is still there! The ache to have her here is still very real! I have tried not to think about her much this week, without even knowing that I was, or at least I feel like that is what I was doing. I know she can't always be on my mind, but I want her to be. :) That is the only way that I can have her near me, so I want her in the forefront at all times.
Due to my being on autopilot, I didn't really do anything with the kids to get ready for Easter. I am hoping that it was a wake up call for me for next year! I didn't think of ways to incorporate Janie Beth into our celebration either since I didn't really plan anything. I wrote her name on a plastic egg today and put it on the counter in the kitchen.
Today God brought me to Psalm 16: 8-11
I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
God will show me the path of life!! He is going before me getting the path in the perfect shape and angle for it to do the most in my life. He is at my right hand and I will not be moved. I will stand on that promise with active faith! When I stand on that promise, then my heart can be glad, my glory rejoices, and my flesh can rest in hope.
I had lost sight of the promise that God is showing me the path of my life. He is leading me on the path that will shape me into the woman that He needs me to be to give Him the most glory in Heaven.
I have felt like I was stuck in mud. Thinking of this made me think about being stuck in quick sand. To get an animal out of quicksand, or a person for that matter, people will usually find a huge stick or branch to pull them out. (At least that is what they do in movies. lol) In order for the person to get out of the quicksand, they have to actually take hold of the branch. It takes effort on their part too. God is the one doing the pulling and the bulk of the work, but I have to cooperate and help too. God has the power to do it all Himself, but then I wouldn't learn anything!
I will trudge through this mud and get back on solid ground again. I was writing in my Janie journal earlier and I said that I wanted to go back to the way I was a couple weeks ago, but then I realized that would be going backwards. I don't want to do that. I want to take another step forward and get to a new part of solid ground! It will be fresh and new and better than the last. It will be closer to God!
Now that I have learned all of this I need it to work down to my heart. :) I am going to stand on God's promise and read Psalm 16 multiple times until it sinks in. I will run to God and take hold of the branch He is throwing my way to help me out of this pit I have fallen in. He is my Redeemer!!!! He will deliver me!
Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
Because I know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives!!!!