"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Friday, September 3, 2010

A Tight Rope

My heart started out somewhat heavy today. Today I sit at 28 wks 2 days. Only 2 more days and I will be 28 wks 4 days, the day that I found out Janie Beth would not live without a miracle. God will graciously allow me to worship Him on that day this year at church. How neat is that!?! But, it still hurts.

Joy Michelle had the hiccups this morning. :) It was the first time, and it made me realize Janie Beth never had them. All of Joy Michelle's movements make me miss Janie Beth's little movements that I tried so hard to cherish those last 6 weeks.

I also got a call from the NICU this morning. A nurse was calling to get my information for a premie party. I had to tell her that my baby passed away. She was completely taken off guard and I felt bad that it happened to her, and I was doing ok at first. Now, I miss her terribly. I wish I could be going to a premie party to celebrate that she made it, but instead she is having an awesome party every day to celebrate her Savior. I can just picture her little self dancing and singing. :) It puts a huge silly grin on my face as tears streak my cheeks. She is so precious! God has molded each of my children perfectly!!

I feel as though the last few weeks I am just taking steps and trying to make it through the day. I am enjoying my days, but I feel lost sometimes. I want to feel God close like I did in the first days and weeks after losing Janie Beth. To feel Him like I did those last 6 weeks of carrying Janie Beth. I know God is calling me deeper, and I am trying, but I feel like a lost sheep in a dark forest. I know He is showing me the way and lighting my path, but there are days I want a brighter light. I have begun doing a couple of books on prayer, and I know that it is His will and I see Him answering my prayers, but I still feel as though I am in a corner and He keeps telling me it isn't my turn to come out yet.

We have changed our curriculum for school. We are doing what we did last year. Katie Jo is doing My Father's World Kindergarten and Josiah is doing MFW First Grade. We are really enjoying delving back into it, but it was a step. I think the main reason I wanted to move away from it this year was because it was what we were doing last year when Janie Beth was around. It is crazy some of the things grief makes you do. I do believe this is a step in going deeper.

We are also entering the Fall, as I have mentioned before. Football starts this weekend, and I am so excited, yet sad. I have a picture of me watching the AL v. AU game with Janie Beth in my belly, and we called it her Alabama-Auburn game. Football will always bring memories of Janie Beth now.

I am also pricing things to sell at consignment. This is not my first one since Janie Beth passed away, but it is different because we know Joy Michelle is a girl. I had just found out I was pregnant during the last sale. I had the thought yesterday that I will be looking for similar Christmas dresses for Joy Michelle and Katie Jo. Right after that thought, it occurred to me that the last sale I thought how I would be buying similar Easter dresses for Janie Beth and Katie Jo.

There are so many babyloss mommies that use butterflies to symbolize their heavenly babies, and that isn't something I have really done. But, the last week or so there have been random butterflies around us outside. I think it is God reminding me that He is still here, and a beautiful butterfly will come from this cacoon that we are in right now.

I truly believe that I have been on a tight rope of emotions as all these things have been building. The NICU call today brought the tears, after it all sank in, that have wanted to come out for a couple weeks now.

Here, God called me deeper just last week, and I believe He was preparing me. He knew I would need Him in an extra special way these next few months. I do not think that I will realize how deep I have gotten until I come out on the other side. Right now I will be clinging with my fingers grasping the side of the cliff. I will be "holding fast". I need to begin praying for Him to be strong where I am weak again, and for Him to write my faith. I know He is carrying me and helping me take each step. I feel like I am trucking through mud. It takes all my strength to pull that foot up to take another step because the mud is so thick. God will bring to a new level through this part of the journey. I need to be thankful that He is working in me, and not fret about the fact that He isn't really using me right now!! We all have to go through the Refiner's Fire. I do believe I am in it again. I can see ways He has been working in my heart as a wife and mother over these last couple weeks, and I know that we will need a whole lifetime to get me sorted out. :)

I do hope to begin blogging again. So often, when I don't it is because I am in that building up to falling off the tight rope time. I miss writing. It helps me. I look forward to having some fun posts too because life around here really is fun. :) How could it not be with Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, and Joy Michelle!?! I am sure we keep God and Janie Beth laughing with our clumsiness of trying to learn to walk on this earth!

HAPPY FALL everyone!!!! It is going to be a blessed one! I don't know what the blessings will be, but I know they will be there!

I do have to leave you with a funny! Eli wanted to take a picture of Joy Michelle. :) Yes, that is my belly button. LOL


  1. That phone call had to be sooo hard!! I'm so sorry!! But I love how you've realized that these things allow your healing to go deeper <3<3<3. Big hugs!!

  2. I agree with Monica, that phone call must have been so hard. Michelle, I'm going to post a link to the message I gave at our two churches a couple of weeks ago (pastor was at the men's retreat, asked me to fill in.) I do not presume to know if it will help you (it is Blessings in Disguise) but I offer it to you, in friendship. I'll post the link at the end of this posting.
    I am rejoicing with you over the joys in your life, and your wonderful baby's hiccups. That is precious. I'm also praying for you as you continue the path of grieving for Janie Beth. I think you're right; you won't know how deep you have gone until you come out on the other side. How true! And even tho' you don't feel as close to God just now, He is ever close to you. Here is the link below to the message: Hugs, Marybeth

  3. Praying for you, Michelle. I understand the tight rope feeling. Many others can probably relate to this as well...which is why I thought this week might be a good one to feature your blog on Walking With You.

    I will have the post up tomorrow.

    Love to you,

  4. Grief is such an interesting process. I imagine the call from the NICU was hard, but it sounds like you handled it gracefully. We are expecting again as well, and I find myself comparing experiences I had with Ethan to this baby. It makes those emotions all the more complicated, doesn't it?

  5. Hi Michelle, I'm visiting from Walking With You. Janie Beth's story and your journey have captivated me. I can't stop reading! You have such a tender heart, and all who read are blessed by your example faithfulness. My prayer for you is peace on your journey. Pregnancy after loss is scary, but we benefit so much more by turning the worries to God.

  6. Michelle, He is indeed carrying you. And despite how thick that mud gets, He will be continue to be there. May He pour out His blessings on you as you remember your sweet Janie Beth and look ahead to the arrival of Joy Michelle.

  7. I've had a longing to feel the closeness to God again like in the time of carrying Carleigh and those months after. I sure don't wish for difficult times though, which is usually when God seems to feel closest. So it's mainly on me to make the effort to be more with God. I haven't done a good job at it lately.