Seriously, it has been 6 months. My heart really hurts today. I don't even know what I want to do today. I wish I could just go sit with Janie Beth all day. I was going to go up with some cards and things for the different groups at the hospital, but I haven't worked on any of it and it want it to be the way I want not just thrown together. So, what we will do today, I do not know.
My arms long to hold her and kiss her. I worked in the nursery Sunday and they were all 6-8 months old. It didn't bother me while I did it, but I know what she would be doing if she were here. The thing is, I don't picture her as a baby. When I picture her with us, she is like a toddler. That sounds odd, and maybe it is a coping thing, I don't know.
Feeling the kicks and punches in my belly reminds me that it isn't Janie Beth. I want to have my cake and eat it too. :) I am so happy that God has blessed us with this new little one, but heart still longs for Janie Beth. I never felt her like I feel this one. It hurts my heart. I knew while I was pregnant with Janie Beth that I wouldn't realize the true difference between her pregnancies and my other kiddos until I got pregnant again. What a whirlwind of emotions!!
We are entering the second half of the first year without her. We are entering a new chapter in her journey as well as in our lives. We are in a new pool that we are trying to learn how to swim in. This past Sunday was our last Sunday at the church we have been attending. It was time for our family to move on for many reasons. We have gone back to the church that we were attending when we got married. We were there during a transition in our lives at that time too. We were waiting for God to open the door to the church He wanted us at. (Sound familiar :)) We attended there Sunday night and everyone was very welcoming, but we are outsiders still. We plan on jumping in with 2 feet and being involved wherever God leads. We know a few people there and look forward to meeting more.
But, Janie Beth was at Whitesburg. She is not at Hillwood. Only a few people know about her and the journey we are on. I know that we are right where God wants us right now, and it is all going to come together, but these waters are cold in this new pool and it is going to take a little time for them to warm up. We have to find how she fits, how we fit.
We have decided that as a family, we are going to watch God work. He is working on behalf of our family, and we are going to sit front and center and be amazed!! What He is going to do, where He is going to do it, and when He is going to do it are all still unknown to us, but He knows. And He makes all things beautiful in His time.
He is making Janie Beth's journey beautiful. She now has special places in our house. :) I need to take pictures and post them. She is forever in my heart. She has forever changed our family. I miss her terribly, but I am so thankful that God chose me to be her mother. She brings a smile to my face with a tear in my eye. What a precious mark she has put on this world.
Six months!!! It is always a big milestone in the life of a baby. For us it is a big milestone in our journey. We are entering a new chapter in our lives. We are learning to dance in this storm. There was a song we sang in church Sunday that spoke to me. The background behind the words was a storm. We will praise God during the storm while we can't even see a rainbow because the sun is shining behind the clouds!!!