"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Friday, July 9, 2010

Am I Ready??

I am not sure that I am trully ready for this day. The only way that I know I am somewhat ready is the fact that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Am I ready to see this baby? Am I ready to find out the gender? Am I ready to hear if there is a problem? Am I ready to accept this little one? Am I ready to have a name and prepare a little? Am I ready to let go? Am I ready for the memories that will flood me? Am I ready for the rest of this journey?

I expected to have some nerves and to be a little anxious as we approached today, but I was surprised by the onslaught of memories and deep missing of my baby girl. I should have realized that this day would bring back memories of Janie Beth's ultrasound. But, I really didn't expect to long to hold her so much. She has been very close to my heart over the last week and even more so as we approached today. I even held my Janie lamb last night. My arms ache for her and tears are always just a blink away. 

I wonder at how I will love this new little one while loving and missing Janie Beth. I know I can because I see others do it. I guess it is like the second time mommy wondering how she will love the next child as much as the first. This is the road less travelled, and in order to travel it I have to clear some brush away as I walk. It is a road that requires work and perseverance. I will endure the race. I will look toward the finish. I will keep my eyes on my Father who is ever before me!

I would like to tell you that I am excited about today, and I think that in there is some excitement. But, I feel somewhat numb. {I believe it is peace. :) There is peace that I will make it through this morning and day. There is peace that God is in control and He is working everything to our good and His glory. Thank You, Father, for showing me Your peace and hand on our day!!}(I added this after writing everything because God graciously showed me that I am not numb, but instead at peace. :)) I am excited to know the gender, but I want to know if my baby will be healthy enough to live. I am excited to see our little one, and I want it to be special for him/her. I pray that God will allow me to enjoy the moment and then think about Janie Beth later. I do not know if I will shed tears at the doctor, but I am sure in the stillness later today I will shed tears for the grace that God has shown me!!

Lamentations 3:21-24
This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therfore I hope in Him!"

Psalm 27:13-14
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait in faith on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!

Here I am at 19.5 weeks.

1 comment:

  1. Praying that God will hold you today and sustain your peace. I can't wait to hear how it went.