Last night I had an orientation for our preschool homeschool group. I knew of one baby that would be there, maybe 2, but was slightly taken back when there were 5, and all of them were girls. They were younger than Janie Beth would be now, but I have trouble thinking of her as older or bigger than the little infants that snuggle up on your shoulder and sleep with their little mouths open. It didn't totally put me down, but I did kind of stare off some, thinking and wondering.
Today makes 7 months since Janie Beth went to Heaven. I tend to have more trouble on the 30th because it was our day with her. I have just been in a funk today and getting down on myself in other areas. I still don't bake hardly and I have to make myself read with the kids. I do fine on good days with the reading, but it is still something I have to make a conscious choice to do. I know that sounds crazy to some, but it is the way it is. I pray as I choose to read and bake it will get easier each time. On my hard days I don't do much of anything, but those days are fewer and further between.
I asked Joey to come home this afternoon so I could go to Hobby Lobby and get new things for Janie's grave. They were having a sale. Woo Hoo! I picked out the flowers and then went hunting for a new flag and things. WELL.... Christmas has taken over Hobby Lobby!! I could have cried in the store because they didn't realize that I needed garden things out all year so that I can take care of my baby girl's grave. I was able to find some wooden flowers that I am going to paint. I got 4 tulips, one for each of her siblings, and one daisy for her that I can put her picture in. They will sit in front of her stone in place of her current 4 flowers. I am going to go searching online and look in Michael's for a new garden flag.
I sat with her for about 30 min, all I could handle in this heat. I tended to her area. I accidently broke her pinwheel. I talked to her and talked to God. I read through Psalm 30 while I sat there. God reached out to me through it! I am going to type it as I read it while sitting there as a prayer.
I will extol You, O Lord, lift me up, and do not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I am crying out to You, please heal me....I will sing praise to You Lord, and give thanks at the remembrance of Your holy name. Your anger is bu for a moment, Your favor is for life; we are in the night weeping, may Your joy come in the morning. Now in my prosperity I said, "I shall never be moved." Lord, by Your favor make me a mountain that will stand strong; Your face seems hidden, and I am troubled. I am crying out to You, O Lord; and to You I am making supplication: "What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth? Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!" Please turn my mourning into dancing; put off my sackcloth and cloth me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
We are in a desert right now as we search for a church position. There are oasis' in the desert of grief, and we are at a time in our journey where we are need of an oasis, not just a mirage.
Here are some new pictures of Janie Beth's spot. Sorry for everything being crooked. LOL I guess it is a crooked day for me. :)
Here is her name on the back of her stone.