"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Friday, July 30, 2010

7 Months

Every month I want to say "seriously?" when I write how many months it has been. This one snuck up on me. I knew it was this week, but I didn't even realize yesterday was the 29th until after lunch. (We headed out early and didn't get back home until after lunch.) I really didn't feel guilty. I was thankful that we had spent the morning having fun instead of moping around. I saved that for today. LOL

Last night I had an orientation for our preschool homeschool group. I knew of one baby that would be there, maybe 2, but was slightly taken back when there were 5, and all of them were girls. They were younger than Janie Beth would be now, but I have trouble thinking of her as older or bigger than the little infants that snuggle up on your shoulder and sleep with their little mouths open. It didn't totally put me down, but I did kind of stare off some, thinking and wondering.

Today makes 7 months since Janie Beth went to Heaven. I tend to have more trouble on the 30th because it was our day with her. I have just been in a funk today and getting down on myself in other areas. I still don't bake hardly and I have to make myself read with the kids. I do fine on good days with the reading, but it is still something I have to make a conscious choice to do. I know that sounds crazy to some, but it is the way it is. I pray as I choose to read and bake it will get easier each time. On my hard days I don't do much of anything, but those days are fewer and further between.

I asked Joey to come home this afternoon so I could go to Hobby Lobby and get new things for Janie's grave. They were having a sale. Woo Hoo! I picked out the flowers and then went hunting for a new flag and things. WELL.... Christmas has taken over Hobby Lobby!! I could have cried in the store because they didn't realize that I needed garden things out all year so that I can take care of my baby girl's grave. I was able to find some wooden flowers that I am going to paint. I got 4 tulips, one for each of her siblings, and one daisy for her that I can put her picture in. They will sit in front of her stone in place of her current 4 flowers. I am going to go searching online and look in Michael's for a new garden flag.

I sat with her for about 30 min, all I could handle in this heat. I tended to her area. I accidently broke her pinwheel. I talked to her and talked to God. I read through Psalm 30 while I sat there. God reached out to me through it! I am going to type it as I read it while sitting there as a prayer.

I will extol You, O Lord, lift me up, and do not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I am crying out to You, please heal me....I will sing praise to You Lord, and give thanks at the remembrance of Your holy name. Your anger is bu for a moment, Your favor is for life; we are in the night weeping, may Your joy come in the morning. Now in my prosperity I said, "I shall never be moved." Lord, by Your favor make me a mountain that will stand strong; Your face seems hidden, and I am troubled. I am crying out to You, O Lord; and to You I am making supplication: "What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth? Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!" Please turn my mourning into dancing; put off my sackcloth and cloth me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

We are in a desert right now as we search for a church position. There are oasis' in the desert of grief, and we are at a time in our journey where we are need of an oasis, not just a mirage.

Here are some new pictures of Janie Beth's spot. Sorry for everything being crooked. LOL I guess it is a crooked day for me. :)

Here is her name on the back of her stone.


  1. Wow the flowers look beautiful next to her headstone. Hugs. Happy 7 month birthday in heaven Janie Beth <3

  2. Just came across your blog so sorry...your Janie is so beautiful.

  3. Just came across your blog, and felt compelled to leave a comment when I read you spent 22 hours with your beautiful daughter.....we also spent 22 hours with our Jillian, born last July. The headstone is beautiful too!

  4. Michelle, I have been following your blog lately, and my heart goes out to you and your family. I don't have any children, so I know I can't relate to your specific kind of pain and grief, but I know what it is like to go through hard times, having battled mental illness. I'm so glad that you have all these keepsakes and wonderful documentary of her short life, and I'm so glad that you will be having another baby girl soon, although I know Janie Beth can't and never will be replaced. Your faith through your journey will inspire and comfort many who have gone through similar situations, and I know your ministry work will be stronger because of all you've gone through. You are an amazing person and I'm glad to know you. May God continue to bless you and your family immensely.

    Love and blessings,
    <3 Vanessa Miller

  5. I didn't even realize the month marker this month til it was already past. I didn't feel guilty either.

  6. Michelle you are in my thoughts and I sadly know just how you feel. As the months trickle along you can't believe it has been that long. Today marks 14 months that our Benjamin has been with our Lord. To us it just feels like only weeks. To us honestly we feel that it can not be that long ago. There is not a day that goes by that we don't think of him or long for his presence. But I also want to say never should you feel bad or think that you should feel guilty. I had to tell myself this a lot! You are in that healing process and as you heal and God holds you close those markers may not be there as much. But it does not mean she is not there as we know she is always there right in your heart FOREVER!! I can't believe our losses are only 6 months apart. Bless you and your family as you come upon each marker.