A Peek into My Heart

I organized a total of 9 buckets of clothes yesterday, 5 of which are huge. (Joey brought them in the house for me and back out to the garage. :) Using his strong, manly muscles.) Now, 4 of those buckets will be sold at our semi-annual Kid's Market, 3 in the fall and 1 in the spring. I feel as though I accomplished something.

There were some baby things in there, not much and various sizes, but there nonetheless. I had a Joy Michelle pile, and she now has a bucket (it has other misc things in it too, but her name is written on the outside). It felt weird for me to write her name. I have to think and make sure I don't type Janie Beth. As I put the tape on the bucket with "Joy" on it, I wondered if I would have to take the tape off because she might not make it home. This is a reality I live in now. My Mom bought Joy a couple outfits, and I wondered as I hung them in the closet if she will get to wear them. I haven't pulled the baby girl clothes out in front in the closet. Katie Jo's dresses still hang in the front. I don't know when I will rearrange that. I am not sure when I will wash Joy Michelle's stuff. I want so badly to set things up, but then I pull myself back because we still have a while, and I don't want to have to pack it back up.

The week before we went to UAB with Janie Beth, we re-arranged the rooms and put up the crib. I was 27.5 weeks. It was so hard to come home and see Janie Beth's things up around the house. I know that is part of the reason I have trouble thinking about putting up Joy Michelle's things. We have a sleeper that hangs in the living room, and her ultrasound picture is on the frig, but those are the only signs that she is coming.

I am not sure if I am ready for the rush of emotions putting up the crib will bring. We will not use the swing, bouncy seat, or carseat that were bought for Janie Beth. The carseat expires this year, but the other things were not what I really wanted for Janie Beth and I just can't bring myself to use them for Joy Michelle. They still aren't what I want. I will be selling them. I went through Janie Beth's clothes, just by looking through them in the closet, and I believe I will be able to use them without a problem. Although, I will buy a few things for Joy Michelle to wear because there isn't a whole lot and I never know until I go to put it on if I can do it.

There is a part of me that feels that setting up Joy Michelle's things leaves Janie Beth behind. I know that isn't really true and Janie wants us to enjoy Joy (hee, hee). I play tug-of-war with myself. I know I will find the balance in time. I would never not want Joy Michelle, I just want Janie Beth too. :) Maybe there is a bit of guilt in me for feeling excited for Joy. I know I need to move beyond that, and I pray I can now that I realize what it is. Part of the solution is realizing what the problem is. I never had the desire to buy much for Janie Beth. I felt so different during her pregnancy. I knew somewhere deep in my heart that things weren't right. Joy's pregnancy is so different. It hurts my heart. I wanted Janie Beth's to be different too. But, I will change my focus now!! I will be thankful for the precious time I had with my beautiful baby girl!!!! I will smile through my tears! I will embrace the gift of Joy Michelle that God has graciously given me. I will let myself be excited and blessed for however long she is in my life!

I do believe if I let myself completely let go and be excited I will break down. I know that sounds ridiculous, but there you have it. If I let the hope and joy truly fill me, then I will cry because I am so blessed and grateful. I feel so unworthy to be as blessed as I am.

My gratitude does not just come from being pregnant again. I am grateful for Janie Beth! I am grateful for the ways she has touched my life and others. I am grateful that God wanted to draw me deeper and closer to Him.

I am overwhelmed with mercy and grace that God bestows on me!!!!

"There is no foot print too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world..."