That is exactly what grief is. :) It has gotten better, but there are still those days where the sleeping giant awakes. It almost always catches me off guard, just like Pearl Harbor. Although, just like Pearl Harbor, there are some subtle things that forewarn me, it is whether I chose to recognize them or not.
I am thankful that I can remember Janie Beth with love and joy most all of the time. Someone mentioned that it seemed to get easier after the 6 month mark. I am not far past that, but I find that to be true. Although, I do believe 9 months and 12 months will be difficult. I find that the months that are significant to an infant are significant in my grief. If that makes sense?
The sleeping giant awoke on me the other day. I didn't expect it in the least. We pulled out the swing and bouncy to sell to a friend, and I was not in a good mood!! You really didn't want to mess with me. LOL I think it got better once I realized my problem. I can't tell you why it made me angry. I didn't think about how she should be using them or anything like that. I was just angry.
I am working on my guilt. I believe a major source of my guilt is the fact that I want to get things in order for Joy Michelle and I never did for Janie Beth. I had a very hard time buying anything for Janie Beth, before I ever knew she wouldn't live. I am letting myself feel my excitement a little more each day. I am checking out yard sales to see if there are any I want to go to tomorrow. :) I am robbing Janie Beth and Joy Michelle when I don't do anything!
I realized last night that Janie Beth has an impact on Joy Michelle's life. She has impacted each person in our family! We each have a sleeping giant of grief. Last night, Josiah was sad that Janie was in heaven. Katie Jo was feeling guilty, I think, for being excited about Joy Michelle because she felt that Joy was taking Janie's place in our family. We discussed how everyone in our family has their own place and no one else can take it. She is doing much better now and is more outwardly excited. Eli actually hugged my belly yesterday, although, in his little mind it is Janie Beth. It doesn't bother me, but I know that giant in him is very confusing! We usually discuss where Janie Beth is and that this baby is Joy. :)
Amazingly enough the giant laid quietly yesterday after another first. I saw someone at Wal-Mart that I hadn't seen since I was pregnant with Janie Beth before we knew about her dwarfism. She asked how the baby was. It was ok with me to tell her that she had passed. Of course, I wanted to stand there and tell her every detail and all the amazing ways she touched my life, but it was ok that I couldn't. It gave her goose bumps. I thought that was special. :) I know I am warped. LOL Janie Beth may impact her life now as well, and she never met her or knew that she was gone. She will hug her little girls tighter and love them deeper.
I am thankful that my giant lies sleeping most of the time, or maybe I am just learning to tame it. My giant is being held down by a bigger giant, LOVE. When I fill my heart with love and thankfulness for Janie Beth, then the grief giant can't rise as much.