"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Survivor's Guilt

Janie Beth, I miss you precious girl!!! I miss you more the more I get excited about your baby sister. My arms long to hold you and hug you. I feel as though I am walking on a tight rope. I miss you more as I get excited for your new little cousin to come. I am so full of emotions right now.

I dreamed the other night that I had had the baby (it ended up being a boy, which is a fear I have. LOL) and I went to church. Someone else had the baby and I walked into the auditorium and was overwhelmed with missing Janie Beth. I can still feel that feeling right now. It was unreal. I just curled up on the floor and cried in my dream. I haven't been able to shake that feeling. I realized more than ever that Joy Michelle will not make everything better. I will always miss Janie Beth.

Joey, my all wise hubby :), thinks that I may have a form of "survivor's guilt" with being excited for Joy Michelle, which makes me long for Janie Beth more. It sure makes sense to me!! I know God will help me find my footing on this new path that I find myself on. The journey of grief is ever changing! Curves come with no warning, and there are many forks in the road with none being easier than the other just different.

I am actually feeling better at this moment than I was when I started this post. There was a 15 min break or so where I just talked to Joey. It helps to talk to others. I also took a minute to pray my favorite verses (Eph 3:20, Num 6:24-26). All I need to do is reach out to Him and He is there!

I even let myself cry, and that tends to help me too! I feel cleansed. LOL God gave us tears for a reason.

Last night I even came across tears in the Bible.
Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for owing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Thank You, Abba!!!! You are so gracious!!

We (the kids and I) went to visit Janie Beth last week. I wish someone could have taken a picture of us. :) Katie Jo brought her Bible with us and wanted us to read Genesis 1:1. We actually read a few verses. We all sat around her headstone. I wasn't quick enough to get a picture of the kids sitting down, but I do have one of Eli. It was nice to go and sit with her. I know it is crazy, but I like having pictures of the kids with her stone since she isn't here. I really hope to freshen up her stuff soon!! Everything is so faded from the sun. As I was thinking about a picture of us sitting there, I thought about what we would have looked like to God looking down at us. :) I thought that maybe He called Janie Beth over and pointed us out. :) I know that probably didn't happen, but it still made me smile.

Here is Eli... I was going to get a picture of him looking at the stone, but he turned and said "cheese". LOL

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