How Am I Feeling?

That is the question I have heard the most since finding out Joy Michelle is a girl. Just typing her name looks funny. :)

It feels surreal. Are you sure this is happening to me? Something seems to be going in a good direction? There really is a rainbow in this storm? I am afraid if I pinch myself I will wake up.

I think it is beginning to sink in. I am trying to let go and be excited! I still wonder if we will get to bring her home. I want to enjoy every minute. I want to get everything ready, but then I try to take a step back. I don't need to get the cart before the horse, and there is nothing to get ready right now. :) Although, I am organizing closets today. Have I ever mentioned that I love to organize and clean? LOL (Yes, I know I am a dork. :))

There is fear too. Fear that Janie Beth will be forgotten. Fear that I will call her Janie Beth. Fear that I will squeeze her too tight. Fear that she will be early and have to go to the NICU. Fear that she won't even get to come home.

I could sit and watch her ultrasound over and over. She looked perfect! Everything measured perfect! She is just the way God created her. Seeing her skinny long legs made me want to squeeze Janie Beth's short little chubby legs. After seeing her, I wonder what she will look like. Is she going to be tiny like Katie Jo. Will she look like both of her sisters (they looked just alike almost)? What will it feel like to hold her? Will she cry? What will that sound like?

I am so full of emotions I can't type them all. I think some emotions will surface in time as we continue on this journey. I think I am still trying to grasp the reality that she is a girl and she looks healthy.

When the doc was through taking measurements and said she looked good, Josiah asked if her chest was big enough. Katie Jo then asked if her lungs were big enough. It brings a tear to my eye just remembering. They want this baby just as much as Joey and I do. They miss Janie Beth too. Josiah did awesome with telling the doc which baby parts we were looking at. Maybe we have a doc on our hands, but he was totally grossed out when he found out the doc catches the baby with his hands. LOL He thought they put a basket or something down there to catch it. :)

I have realized just how much I want Joy Michelle and how excited I really am. Now, I just need to let myself feel that!! Easier said than done sometimes!

I did pull the small buckets out from under my bed yesterday and looked at what I had in them. One of them has things that were for Janie Beth. It flooded me with her memories, but there was only 1 item that I had to put in Janie Beth's things that I didn't think I could let Joy Michelle wear. I believe God will guide me as we go through Janie Beth's things. I have put most of what I felt was hers in my trunk, but I know I will come across some more. God will walk with me through the rest of this pregnancy!!

Joy Michelle will be joining many little girls being born this year. Her cousin will be just a few months older, and she has many friends that will be in the same school year with her. :)

I just keep telling God "THANK YOU"!! And then I ask for one more rainbow in this storm by giving us a church to serve on staff in. I know that it is all worked out too and God is sovereign and in control, and I just pray that this is the beginning of the clouds lifting.