Harder than I expected, but a Calling

This weekend was harder than I expected. I really didn't think the 4th of July would be that big a deal. I had no idea I would long to hold my baby girl so much. Saturday was hard. I had a rough morning. I know it was partly from reading another family's story who just lost their baby boy to Thanataphoric Dwarfism, and the amazing things their little boy did in his 30 hours made me jealous and wish for more from my time with Janie Beth.

YIKES! That is a slippery road to get on. I quickly had to turn to what I was thankful for from Janie Beth's time with us. I quickly began to just long for her and try to feel her in my arms. I still miss her so much. So many feel that this new pregnancy makes Janie Beth's journey all better, but it doesn't. No one can replace her. Her journey will never end because she will always be in my heart.

I am still missing her more than usual today. I know that it has to do with starting back to things we did before she left us. We started school today. I will be honest and say school flew out the window after November 19, 2009. I wondered what it would be like to have her here with us while we learned. I really didn't think it would be that hard to start back for the new year because we have changed all of our curriculum and Katie Jo is doing school too, but it is. I am learning with my children and seeing the world through their eyes, and I wonder how it would look through hers. As I type that, I wonder what it looks like from her viewpoint. I always thought of it as how she would be if she were here and how things would excite her, but wow! To think of it as how does the world look through her eyes now, in heaven. That is too big for me and there are no words to explain. She is smiling!

My ultrasound on Friday factors into my missing her too. I feel our little one more and more. I am nervous to know if this baby is a boy or a girl. I wonder what God feels is right for our family. Who is this precious little one He is forming? To know that He is forming this one just as intricately as Janie Beth, and He knows every single part of his/her body and knew exactly how Janie Beth's body was is amazing! His vastness just makes me stop in awe. I cannot begin to imagine.

A friend of mine did a blog about how she had always wanted to be a mother. That has always been my dream as well. Never in a million years would I have thought that that would include being the mother of a heavenly child. To know that God called me to walk this path.

I marvel at God's decision to mold me into the mother of a heavenly child. 
A hard calling, yet a deep calling.
A painful calling, yet a blessed calling.
A lonely calling, yet a comforting calling.
A sad calling, yet a joyful calling.
A painful calling, yet a healing calling.

How can I say those things? Never have I looked deeper in my self than I have since Janie Beth. I have been blessed beyond measure and in ways that are exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think. Comforting because God is closer than I have ever felt Him. Joyful because joy is not the same as happiness and it is on the inside and grounded in hope. Healing because I have looked deeper in myself and God has been molding my heart back together better than it was before. It is a calling I would have never chosen and I would never wish on anyone, but it is my calling and God loves me enough to walk with me. He knew how to work all things together for His glory and my good. I do not understand, but I have seen good come out of this calling. I will never fully grasp the things God did, is doing, and will continue to do by calling me to this path. I am thankful that He knows the outcome!

A friend, who has this calling too, made this picture. Thank you, Monica.

I thought about Janie Beth a lot while we watched the fireworks. It was fun to see the excitement from the kids. I had the moment where I wondered if she would have cried or been amazed, but then instead I chose to focus on how awesome a fireworks show would look in heaven. She thought ours was pitiful. :)

I love you, my precious Janie Beth!!

Abba, may You continue to refine me through this calling of being Janie Beth's mother. May You continue to heal me, comfort me, bless me, and bring me joy. May You continue to help me search deep within myself and allow You to mold me as You see fit. Thank You for the blessing of each and every one of my children, Josiah, Katie Jo, Eli, Janie Beth, and the little one. I love You, Father! May You be glorified as You hold me up and walk with me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen