"I AM" WOW! That is what those words should make me say. Those 2 little words have enormous power behind them. Exodus 3:14; And God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." WOW! What is there for me to fear when I have I AM, and I AM is ALL I need!
Yesterday morning, I was up at 3am. My sister was going to be induced at 5am. My devotion was about I AM! I knew God had my devotions be exactly what they were supposed to be yesterday. He always meets me right where I am, and knows exactly what I need. I was honored to be in the L&D room with her and help her through her labor, but I had no idea how this would affect me. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would intercede for me on my behalf because I really didn't have a clue where my emotions would go. Then, I read that He is I AM.
Here is an excerpt from The One Year Book of Hope (p.226)
I AM a Redeemer who has orchestrated every aspect of your life to prepare you to serve others. I AM with you wherever you go, leading and guiding you. I AM the One who will enable you to do what I've called you to do. I AM everything you need.
How much better can you get than that!?!
You see, I had another engagement yesterday afternoon that was very important to me, so I had to just let go of yesterday (which I should do everyday!) and allow God to direct my steps and the guide the day. I had to leave the hospital at 1:00pm. My sister was at 9cm. I really enjoyed, as weird as that sounds, being in the room with her and helping her out. My mom was her real coach and her husband was her squeeze object. :) But, I had to take over the coaching at times, and I got to rub her back. I have had epidurals with all of my children, but Joy Michelle will be a natural delivery for me, so this helped to prepare me for that as well.
I really didn't have trouble being at the hospital and in the same places that I was with Janie Beth. God always gives me just what I need. There was a moment when we first went back that we turned a corner to go to her L&D room, and I longed to run to L&D 6 to be where my baby girl had been. I had a couple other moments when the stark reality of how different our journey's are hit me, but I did well, God is strong where I am weak.
It was hard to me to leave her at 1! I wanted to stay and help her push and take pictures, but that was not God's plan. I felt bad leaving her, but I also knew that I wasn't supposed to be there, that wasn't part of my journey this time. I admit that I cried a lot in the car to our next destination. The emotions of the morning caught up with me. The reality that they would get to hold their baby girl and feed her and feel the warmth of her body hit me too. I am so very happy for them!!! Yet, my heart hurt to hold and feed my baby girl.
But, yet again, God is gracious and His timing truly is perfect!!! My husband and I had to leave the hospital to go to an interview about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and the impact they had on our lives. As I was leaving my sister to welcome her baby, I was going to talk about my heavenly baby. :) I don't get to talk about her very often, so I love any opportunity I can get! I do not know that words could ever express how NILMDTS touched our lives. To have pictures of those moments is priceless. She captured moments that had no idea were there, and we are beyond grateful.
Not only did I get to talk about my heavenly Janie Beth, I got to celebrate Joy Michelle. The photographer from the paper was going to take some pictures of Kelly taking pictures, so she snapped some maternity shots of Joy Michelle. :)
August 12, 2010 was a very blessed day for me!!! God graciously orchestrated things to go just the way He wanted. My precious niece, Gwyn Michelle, was born healthy. I got to share Janie Beth and enjoy Joy Michelle.
Due to my leaving the hospital, I was afraid that I would not get to see my children see their new cousin and hold her. I felt that maybe that would be best for me, but they haven't gotten to hold her yet because she was squeaking, so she went to the nursery for a bit. It will be part of my journey to see them hold her. I did hear how they reacted in the hallway to seeing her, and it brought a smile to my face as well as a tear to my eye as I know what they would be like with Janie Beth. The squeaking Gwyn made, I have no doubt, is part of the reason God didn't have her there before I left because that is the noise Janie Beth made when she tried to breathe. She is fine though, and doing fantastic.
This has brought me to a turn on the road of my grief. I really thought I would have dealt more with babies coming home because I had a friend who brought her baby home just a couple months after Janie Beth was born, but I really didn't. I think I somewhat lived through her, and now I will allow God to heal another part of the pain that is deep in my heart. I miss Janie Beth a lot!! But, I am going to enjoy the beautiful little girl God brought into this world, even if I cry while I smile. :) Gwyn Michelle and Joy Michelle will, I pray, be best of buds!!
I AM is AWESOME!!! Without Him I don't want to think about how my day would have gone. And, I pray that as I release the pain that I believe I have been bottling up the last few weeks anticipating Gwyn's arrival, God will help me become the wife, mother, and woman (and Aunt :)) that He has called me to be.
Thank You, Abba, for being my I AM!!! I love You and I never cease to be amazed by the grace and mercy You give me each day! May You be lifted up and glorified in my life and through my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.