Are you sure this is my life? Do I really have a huge piece of my heart in Heaven with a precious little girl that I didn't get enough time with? Was she really in my belly? Did I really feel her move? Did I really hold her? Did I really see her and feel her? Has it really been almost a year? Was part of my Christmas really going to the cemetary? Is this really my life?
Right now, my life feels surreal again. I have kept myself pretty busy the last several days. They were fun days spent with family playing games, but then I would come home and there was someone missing. The ache is so deep it takes my breath away at times. It hurts that a year has gone by. She is getting further and further away! My memories are fading, and there are so few. I worked so hard to make tangible memories with her last year, molds and imprints, that I forgot to really cherish her. That breaks my heart!!! I want so much to hold her and talk to her. I miss her so much!!!
Christmas Eve I had to go to Wal-Mart. (I got there at 8 am so that I would beat the crowd. LOL I had a few ingredients to get.) I was going to check out and then remembered that I needed infant Tylenol. As I walked to the other side of the store, I had to pass the flowers. I felt drawn to the flowers. After getting the Tylenol, I went back to the flowers. I picked up some pink roses. There were 3 in that bundle. They were dark pink. Then, I saw the ones. The ones Joey had given Janie Beth and I at Christmas time last year. Those were the ones! They are light pink with dark pink around the edges. I bought a dozen. I told Joey I want him to buy them for me every year at Christmas! They make Janie's presence a little more real. We took one of them to her grave on Christmas Eve. It was the lightest one in the dozen. It was perfect for her.
Whatever day it is, my mind is in last year. Those days just keep re-playing in my head. I am so thankful that she was still here at Christmas last year! But, I knew our time was short. I wrote that in my journal the week before her birthday several times. Little did I know just how short our time left was!
Has it really been a year since I went to the doctor and saw my baby girl on the u/s one last time? Her chest was still small. I asked him to check me because I thought things were happening down there. You should have seen the look on his face when he checked me! He was quite surprised. I was 4 cm and 60-80% effaced. He told me to get dressed and come to his office. He was going out of town, of course! We set up an induction for Jan 6 because we didn't want her head to get too big. It was already measuring 38 wks or so, and I was 34 wks. He told me who would be on call and that he would tell them about me. (How sad that the docs had to be forewarned about me!) He offered to induce us that Monday morning, Dec 28, but we had a few loose ends to tie first. I started contracting after that appointment and did for the rest of the day. Joey went to the funeral home and set up things with them. I have to say they were fabulous! Then, he went to the cemetary and set up things there. I am very thankful that he took care of those things! He did good taking care of his baby girl!! She is very proud of him!
Abba Father, I need you!!!! My heart aches so much. I am sorry that I have neglected my time with you! I have been trying to do it on my own, and we all know how that goes. I guess I felt if I didn't get with You it wasn't real. Please go deeper than my pain. Write my faith for the days ahead. Be strong where I am so incredibly weak. May You be glorified through this journey. May You show us how to celebrate Janie Beth's birthday and Heavenly birthday. Will You tell her how much I love her. Fill the hole with You and Your love, Abba. Be big in my life and through my life. Her life was for a reason. I will believe. I love You! Carry me, Lord God Almighty. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.