I plan on this being short because the "d" on my keyboard is broken so it isn't real easy to use, but you know how I am. :)
I have had a crazy thought lately. I fear, at times, that others don't want me to pray for them because my baby died. I fear that they think my prayers may not work, so they don't really want me to pray for them. I know this is completely from Satan, and I continue to pray even with this crazy thought, but I do have to overcome it. I know Janie Beth did not die because I lacked faith or didn't pray correctly. God has answered my prayers in amazing ways!!! Ways that I never could have imagined.
Now, onto a crazy thought others have. :) That pregnancy after the loss of a baby fixes everything. Oh, quite the contrary. It takes everything to a whole new level! Crazy as it sounds, it is still hard to hear pregnant women complain and to hear news of someone else who is pregnant or watch someone getting close to the end. I know in time these things will be easier, but they are still hard sometimes.
There are actually days that I feel like our family is complete already, and I feel horrible for thinking that way since there is a little life inside of me! I think that I would be ok without having another baby, but then I hold one that isn't mine and realize what I missed with Janie Beth and realize that I would love to watch another little one grow up in my home. I would love to snuggle on the couch with my baby and nurse him/her. I am telling you, these hormones can drive you nuts!
The journey of pregnancy after loss makes no sense! From day to day you do not know how it will affect you. And knowing that this one will not bring Janie Beth back and fill her spot makes me sad too. To know that there will always be that God-sized hole filled with His grace even when we welcome a new baby into our family.
Janie Beth will always be our miracle baby in heaven!! I love you, baby girl! Thank You, Abba, for choosing me to be her mommy!
Wow, that is a crazy thought Michelle! Satan can really make us believe silly things! I LOVE knowing that you pray for me. Losing Janie Beth had absolutely nothing to do with a lack of faith on your part, believe me. In fact, I think God knew you could handle it better than the rest of us because of your faith. You are awesome Michelle! I love you!!!!
ReplyDeleteSatan is so good at what he does, isn't he? I can totally relate to feeling like my prayers are pointless because of things I have really wanted to see happen that just don't for some reason...it can be so discouraging. But then again when I remember to stop and look at all the good things that have come about from those prayers NOT being answered the way I thought they should be and it totally changes the picture!
ReplyDeletePraying that the Lord will give you grace and help through all these crazy ups and downs you're experiencing. I can't fully imagine what you're going through, but am thankful the God we both serve does!
Tyra
I understand the crazy thoughts. I've had chronic fatigue for years and recently read a post where a lady knew that chronic fatigue was from sin!! OH my! So, I really, really played with that for a few days! I only tell you that to say that you are so right in knowing that it is the voice of the enemy. Sister, anytime you want to pray for me, I'll take it! No one will take Janie Beth's place, but how exciting it will be to have a new bundle of joy in your home and in your arms. I believe you have a very special baby on the way and Jesus knew just what you needed! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to that thought that a new pregnancy makes everything better (not!). Sometimes I think that's why people have been so excited for us, but really- nothing will ever replace Catherine- or in your case, Janie Beth. Your prayers- and the intercessory prayers of your sweet baby- are more powerful than you could ever imagine.
ReplyDeleteI understand how what you mean about pregnancy after a loss. I had so many people tell me that it was God making it up to me. What was there to make up? He gave me my son. I thank Him everyday for that. I have never believed that He OWED me a child. He had blessed me with one already.
ReplyDeleteI think being pregnant after a loss is both terrifying and wonderful. My husband and I were always waiting for the other shoe to drop, bracing for the bad news, but we were also filled with hope.
Bless you.