"And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." Deuteronomy 30:6

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.
2 Peter 3:18

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Hard Week

This week has been a hard week for me. I believe it started Tuesday. We went to my sister's end of the year band concert. Her last concert was last December and Janie Beth was still with us. She was still during Abby's band, but then she danced away through the rest of it. I thought about her a lot that night and wished she was there to dance along with her siblings. I even rubbed the new one in my belly, which is much smaller than it was at the last concert.

Thursday I went to the doctor. It went well, and it really struck me how long the baby's legs looked.

That night we had Josiah's Kindergarten graduation. This is when I really started going down. Before the program I wanted us to take a family picture. We all got up in front of a stain glass window and tried to get the children to cooperate. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we had not done this since Janie Beth was with us in the hospital! It hit me like a ton of bricks that she wasn't in the picture and wouldn't be in anymore family pictures. It hit me that we took several family pictures while she was in my belly and this time I have a baby in my belly, but it isn't her. Janie Beth will always be Janie Beth!!! It made me miss her terribly and it threw out my desire to take anymore pictures that night, and I pray that Josiah doesn't mind that we don't have many. I got the whole thing on video and my sister did take pictures with my camera and another precious lady took pictures for us.

I have pretty much been in a funk since all of that. I have been wondering what she would be like right now and what she would look like. I held a little baby girl Saturday and it warmed my heart! She smiled at me which was bittersweet. It was precious, but it made me realize something I missed out on with Janie Beth. It was nice to hold her though because I have really been missing JB.

I have also watched a precious family welcome a new baby girl to their lives. I really didn't think it would be hard for me because I have seen others do this since Janie Beth. I believe that I see my family in hers. I see us enjoying Janie Beth as much as they are enjoying their new baby girl. I see Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli loving on their sister in the same way their sons and daughter love their new sister. I see once again how different my journey has been, and I long to have Janie Beth here. I want to know that everything will be ok this time and we will get to have a different journey, but it still won't be the same because a piece will be missing.

My doctor keeps referring to my pregnancy as a normal pregnancy. I am glad that he considers it that way, but it isn't a normal pregnancy. Yes, the baby seems to be normal and everything seems to be going fine, but it is in no way normal. I am no longer the same person. My heart, mind, and soul are different. I am not normal this go round, so this pregnancy is not normal either. It is hard! I am so torn. I want Janie Beth and this baby. There are days I have to remind myself that this baby isn't Janie Beth. This pregnancy is changing me as it brings me further in my journey. I pray my baby is "normal", but I need others to realize that my pregnancy is not and I am not anymore either. I am a new normal.

Here is our latest family picture. Sorry for the red eyes, I haven't taken the time to edit any of our pictures yet. :) I decided to show you the 3 we took so you can appreciate the fun time it is for us to get everyone to smile. :)

Can you tell who is our clown? LOL


  1. I'm sorry it's been rough. I hate going thru those patches. Yeah, and a PAL is not normal in the way drs think.

  2. Wow what an honest post!! I'm soo sorry that it has been rough. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Keeping you in my prayers.

  3. {{{{HUGS}}}} Thank you for being so honest and open. Allowing us all a peak into your soul.