Stuff...We have too much. :) As do most people. LOL Today will be the beginning of a re-organization and downsizing at our house. We need to make room for school, and we have way too many toys. I am excited to see how everything shapes up. I want us to fit comfortably in this house and try not to get too much more whenever we move. We are hoping to give most of our stuff to people who don't have things, but some things will be donated to Goodwill. I will be downsizing my kitchen stuff because we just don't have room and it is also our schoolroom. If I think about it I will take pictures of before and after. We won't finish today, more than likely, but I hope to make a good dent. I just need to get Joey up and moving. :)
Enjoy your Memorial Day!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
5 Months
Well, it has been 5 months since I saw her alive and held her as she breathed her last. Five months since the day that was all about her. On this day, I often wish I could go back and re-live that day to feel her in my arms and feel her squeeze my finger and see her look at me. To watch her heartbeat rise as her siblings sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her. Five months later and I still miss you so much. As we go through today, I will often think of what we were doing at this time on December 30, 2009.
I have actually had a couple dreams about Janie Beth in the last several days. She lived, but we weren't sure for how long she would live. One we were in the hospital still and the one last night she actually got to come home. Although, I wonder if it is her or the new baby that I am dreaming about. But, the baby looks just like JB.
I miss you baby girl! I still love you completely! I still picture what it would look like if you were here. You have touched my life forever and changed me in ways I never thought possible. I am praying that I will keep a grateful attitude today and keep my perspective on God. No regrets today, just remembering the special day that was yours.
Abba Father, please come and hold me today. May You continue to heal my broken heart and fill the cracks with Your grace. May You go deeper than my pain as only You can do. Meet me at worship today. I love You! Please tell my baby girl that I love her too. You are so good to me and I thank You for December 30, 2009 and the wonderful memories from that day. May I never forget. May You continue to mold me through this journey. Father, please continue to wrap Your precious arms around Josie, Greyson, and Will. May You comfort their mommy's and let them know You are with them. May You do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ever ask or think in their lives. Thank You, Lord, for Your sovereignty and blessing. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
A couple pictures from that precious day.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Crazy Thought
I plan on this being short because the "d" on my keyboard is broken so it isn't real easy to use, but you know how I am. :)
I have had a crazy thought lately. I fear, at times, that others don't want me to pray for them because my baby died. I fear that they think my prayers may not work, so they don't really want me to pray for them. I know this is completely from Satan, and I continue to pray even with this crazy thought, but I do have to overcome it. I know Janie Beth did not die because I lacked faith or didn't pray correctly. God has answered my prayers in amazing ways!!! Ways that I never could have imagined.
Now, onto a crazy thought others have. :) That pregnancy after the loss of a baby fixes everything. Oh, quite the contrary. It takes everything to a whole new level! Crazy as it sounds, it is still hard to hear pregnant women complain and to hear news of someone else who is pregnant or watch someone getting close to the end. I know in time these things will be easier, but they are still hard sometimes.
There are actually days that I feel like our family is complete already, and I feel horrible for thinking that way since there is a little life inside of me! I think that I would be ok without having another baby, but then I hold one that isn't mine and realize what I missed with Janie Beth and realize that I would love to watch another little one grow up in my home. I would love to snuggle on the couch with my baby and nurse him/her. I am telling you, these hormones can drive you nuts!
The journey of pregnancy after loss makes no sense! From day to day you do not know how it will affect you. And knowing that this one will not bring Janie Beth back and fill her spot makes me sad too. To know that there will always be that God-sized hole filled with His grace even when we welcome a new baby into our family.
Janie Beth will always be our miracle baby in heaven!! I love you, baby girl! Thank You, Abba, for choosing me to be her mommy!
I have had a crazy thought lately. I fear, at times, that others don't want me to pray for them because my baby died. I fear that they think my prayers may not work, so they don't really want me to pray for them. I know this is completely from Satan, and I continue to pray even with this crazy thought, but I do have to overcome it. I know Janie Beth did not die because I lacked faith or didn't pray correctly. God has answered my prayers in amazing ways!!! Ways that I never could have imagined.
Now, onto a crazy thought others have. :) That pregnancy after the loss of a baby fixes everything. Oh, quite the contrary. It takes everything to a whole new level! Crazy as it sounds, it is still hard to hear pregnant women complain and to hear news of someone else who is pregnant or watch someone getting close to the end. I know in time these things will be easier, but they are still hard sometimes.
There are actually days that I feel like our family is complete already, and I feel horrible for thinking that way since there is a little life inside of me! I think that I would be ok without having another baby, but then I hold one that isn't mine and realize what I missed with Janie Beth and realize that I would love to watch another little one grow up in my home. I would love to snuggle on the couch with my baby and nurse him/her. I am telling you, these hormones can drive you nuts!
The journey of pregnancy after loss makes no sense! From day to day you do not know how it will affect you. And knowing that this one will not bring Janie Beth back and fill her spot makes me sad too. To know that there will always be that God-sized hole filled with His grace even when we welcome a new baby into our family.
Janie Beth will always be our miracle baby in heaven!! I love you, baby girl! Thank You, Abba, for choosing me to be her mommy!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Still....
I really didn't think some things would still be hard. There are still some things that I used to do that are still hard to do. I cannot bring myself to start baking again. I need to because poor Eli needs to have safe baked goods to eat, but for some strange reason it is hard to make myself bake. I loved to bake and I want to get back to that point.
I still have to force myself to make a menu and grocery list. I have just been winging it for dinner and that doesn't work when the meat won't thaw in time to cook it! The menu is so nice when I do it because I know what it going on. Today I have to write a menu and get the grocery shopping done. I have an empty paper towel roll sitting on the counter. :)
Money!!! AAAHHH!!! I have completely gotten out of the habit of telling our money where to go! Once again we have been winging it far too much and using it way too much. This is a cycle for me. I don't make the menu, the meat isn't thawed or I never took it out, so we go out to eat. I am driving myself crazy!
I am hoping to sit down and do our budget for next month and tell all our money where to go and get cash put in our envelopes again.
These issues with me also creep up when I am pregnant, so it is probably a combo of Janie Beth and pregnancy.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:16
"I am the Lord your God... who directs you in the way you should go. "
Isaiah 48:17
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your steps."
Proverbs 3:3-5
I am going to give this all to God. Maybe He wants me to change some things instead of going completely back to the way I used to do things. I don't know, but I am going to ask that He show me His way. It has amazed me all the ways that things have changed for the better through Janie Beth's journey! God really does know what He is doing!! I still miss her and my arms ache to hold her, but "through the Lord's mercies I am not consumed. His compassions fail not, they are new every morning." Lamentations 3
Still...
God is still in control even when it doesn't feel like it.
God is still working even when I can't see it.
God is still carrying me even as He lets me takes some steps on my own.
I am still mourning, and God remembers even when I don't.
I am still stumbling trying to find my way on this path, and God is there to pick me up.
God still loves me even when it hurts.
God is still blessing our family, and always has been.
God is still Mighty to Save! He can still move mountains!
I still hurt, and God says it is ok.
I am still learning to let go and let God, and He says just a little more.
God still knows what He is doing.
God is still changing me, and will be until the day I die. :)
God is still BIG!
Let go and let God!!!
I still have to force myself to make a menu and grocery list. I have just been winging it for dinner and that doesn't work when the meat won't thaw in time to cook it! The menu is so nice when I do it because I know what it going on. Today I have to write a menu and get the grocery shopping done. I have an empty paper towel roll sitting on the counter. :)
Money!!! AAAHHH!!! I have completely gotten out of the habit of telling our money where to go! Once again we have been winging it far too much and using it way too much. This is a cycle for me. I don't make the menu, the meat isn't thawed or I never took it out, so we go out to eat. I am driving myself crazy!
I am hoping to sit down and do our budget for next month and tell all our money where to go and get cash put in our envelopes again.
These issues with me also creep up when I am pregnant, so it is probably a combo of Janie Beth and pregnancy.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:16
"I am the Lord your God... who directs you in the way you should go. "
Isaiah 48:17
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your steps."
Proverbs 3:3-5
I am going to give this all to God. Maybe He wants me to change some things instead of going completely back to the way I used to do things. I don't know, but I am going to ask that He show me His way. It has amazed me all the ways that things have changed for the better through Janie Beth's journey! God really does know what He is doing!! I still miss her and my arms ache to hold her, but "through the Lord's mercies I am not consumed. His compassions fail not, they are new every morning." Lamentations 3
Still...
God is still in control even when it doesn't feel like it.
God is still working even when I can't see it.
God is still carrying me even as He lets me takes some steps on my own.
I am still mourning, and God remembers even when I don't.
I am still stumbling trying to find my way on this path, and God is there to pick me up.
God still loves me even when it hurts.
God is still blessing our family, and always has been.
God is still Mighty to Save! He can still move mountains!
I still hurt, and God says it is ok.
I am still learning to let go and let God, and He says just a little more.
God still knows what He is doing.
God is still changing me, and will be until the day I die. :)
God is still BIG!
Let go and let God!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Train Up Your Child
We are in the process of re-training ourselves as parents and by doing so re-training our children. This isn't easy when you didn't start out the way you should have!
This is another reason I am thankful for this time in our lives! I have learned a lot while being in Huntsville, making new friends who have the same values that we do. I have been soaking up some things and taking recommendations on books. My latest one is "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debi Pierce. It has really opened my eyes. I had already learned some things from trying to raise the first 2, so Eli is better behaved and obedient. LOL Now, I am praying for God to guide us as parents and draw us into a family after His own heart.
Right now we are really working on obeying the first time, not complaining and whining, and no rude or disrespectful speech. There are no warnings. It is hard to be consistent sometimes! Some days I just don't feel like it, but what does that say to my child?? I am relying on God ot strengthen me where I am weak and mold me into the mother He wants me to be. I am excited to see what all God is going to do in our family. He has already done so much!!!!
Along with learning to train everyone, I also need to finish up VBS this week. I am hoping to go to a curriculum sale on Thursday and begin working on our schedule for school. I will order our last couple things on Friday. I am excited to get started. I believe we will begin with just 2 days a week in July.
"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
I am calling on God in many ways, and He is answering! He is showing me the way. As a family, we are calling on God, and He is gently leading us. We are still waiting on many answers, but we are trusting God because He is sovereign and He is working all things together for our good and His glory! His plans for us are good and we are excited to see what they are!
On a side note, I am beginning to feel baby more!!! :) I love it! But, as my belly begins to poke out a bit, it hits me in church because that was Janie Beth's active time and I loved singing praises with her in my belly. She would dance around and praise her Maker and I would just hug my belly, or rub it. Man, I miss her! She is a special little girl!!! God is good!
Please pray for a couple special babies! They are Greyson and Josie and they are both little ones that need lots of praying for healing. I do not want their families to feel this pain! Thank you!!!!
Abba, may You reach down Your hand and touch Greyson and Josie in a special way. May You guide their doctors and give them wisdom and understanding. May You comfort their families and hold them close. May You do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. You are the God of hope, and I pray that you would fill them with joy and peace in believing , that they may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. May they know just how good You are. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
This is another reason I am thankful for this time in our lives! I have learned a lot while being in Huntsville, making new friends who have the same values that we do. I have been soaking up some things and taking recommendations on books. My latest one is "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debi Pierce. It has really opened my eyes. I had already learned some things from trying to raise the first 2, so Eli is better behaved and obedient. LOL Now, I am praying for God to guide us as parents and draw us into a family after His own heart.
Right now we are really working on obeying the first time, not complaining and whining, and no rude or disrespectful speech. There are no warnings. It is hard to be consistent sometimes! Some days I just don't feel like it, but what does that say to my child?? I am relying on God ot strengthen me where I am weak and mold me into the mother He wants me to be. I am excited to see what all God is going to do in our family. He has already done so much!!!!
Along with learning to train everyone, I also need to finish up VBS this week. I am hoping to go to a curriculum sale on Thursday and begin working on our schedule for school. I will order our last couple things on Friday. I am excited to get started. I believe we will begin with just 2 days a week in July.
"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
I am calling on God in many ways, and He is answering! He is showing me the way. As a family, we are calling on God, and He is gently leading us. We are still waiting on many answers, but we are trusting God because He is sovereign and He is working all things together for our good and His glory! His plans for us are good and we are excited to see what they are!
On a side note, I am beginning to feel baby more!!! :) I love it! But, as my belly begins to poke out a bit, it hits me in church because that was Janie Beth's active time and I loved singing praises with her in my belly. She would dance around and praise her Maker and I would just hug my belly, or rub it. Man, I miss her! She is a special little girl!!! God is good!
Please pray for a couple special babies! They are Greyson and Josie and they are both little ones that need lots of praying for healing. I do not want their families to feel this pain! Thank you!!!!
Abba, may You reach down Your hand and touch Greyson and Josie in a special way. May You guide their doctors and give them wisdom and understanding. May You comfort their families and hold them close. May You do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. You are the God of hope, and I pray that you would fill them with joy and peace in believing , that they may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. May they know just how good You are. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Romans 15:13
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
I have been clinging to this verse since I really read it yesterday. I will admit that I didn't cling to it hard enough and I didn't let go and let God yesterday, but I am trying to take the steps to. I want to truly Lean on the Everlasting Arms of Jesus. I want to be real and not try to barracade myself around people I don't know. I don't want to withdraw into myself because what I am facing may hurt.
Yesterday was a busy day. It started out with Josiah and Katie Jo's last soccer game. They did great!!! They have both improved throughout the season and I am proud of them both!
Here they are:
Then, Katie Jo and I went to a baby shower. This was the first baby shower I have been to since Janie Beth went to heaven, and it was for a girl. It was hard!!!! I didn't grasp how hard until I left. I totally withdrew into myself, but I could have easily sat there and just cried. I wish I had let God hold me and carry me instead of trying to protect myself. I wish I had let myself enjoy the company of the many that I didn't know without fearing the questions of how old are your children. I know I came across as a total snob because I just sat there and only talked a little to a couple people that I already knew! I hate that! I missed an opportunity to meet some cool ladies and make a couple new friends! I am thankful that I got the first shower out of the way! But, my arms do ache to hold my precious baby girl!!!! I still miss her so much and the hurt is still very deep even though I go through most days smiling and even laughing.
Here I am with Marcie, the shower was for her, and our other friend Jennifer who is also expecting.
Then, that afternoon we celebrated Eli's birthday with Nana, Poppa, Aunt Amy, Uncle Chase, and Aunt Abby. It was a fun time and I loved watching the kids slip 'n' slide!!! Eli even got to have cake for the first time!! (He has food allergies and this is the first year I have made a cake he can eat.) The cake was all he wanted for his birthday. :) He gave me a huge hug yesterday morning when I showed him his cake and said "thank you, Mom". It melted my heart!!! He didn't realize that he would get presents. LOL Once this realization hit, he was totally excited. :) He tore open one and immediately went to the next one. He was too cute to watch!
Here he is opening some presents. I didn't get any still shots of him eating cake. I will have to pull some off the video.
I stayed pretty busy during the party, so it didn't really hit until afterward how much fun it was to watch him and how I won't get to watch Janie Beth open presents or eat cake for the first time. It struck me how different her birthdays will be. My precious baby girl!!!
God is good and He brought me through. He walked beside me waiting for me to put up my hand and let Him hold it. I picture Him like I do myself as I watch my children do things. I ache to help them, but I also know that they have to learn how to do some things. But, I do believe there was too much Martha in me today and not enough Mary!! I am learning. This journey is hard to figure out! This club that I am in doesn't totally make sense! Even though I am expecting, things are still hard for me. It is crazy.
Here are the new flowers that we put at Janie Beth's grave. I love the pinkness! :)
I have been clinging to this verse since I really read it yesterday. I will admit that I didn't cling to it hard enough and I didn't let go and let God yesterday, but I am trying to take the steps to. I want to truly Lean on the Everlasting Arms of Jesus. I want to be real and not try to barracade myself around people I don't know. I don't want to withdraw into myself because what I am facing may hurt.
Yesterday was a busy day. It started out with Josiah and Katie Jo's last soccer game. They did great!!! They have both improved throughout the season and I am proud of them both!
Then, Katie Jo and I went to a baby shower. This was the first baby shower I have been to since Janie Beth went to heaven, and it was for a girl. It was hard!!!! I didn't grasp how hard until I left. I totally withdrew into myself, but I could have easily sat there and just cried. I wish I had let God hold me and carry me instead of trying to protect myself. I wish I had let myself enjoy the company of the many that I didn't know without fearing the questions of how old are your children. I know I came across as a total snob because I just sat there and only talked a little to a couple people that I already knew! I hate that! I missed an opportunity to meet some cool ladies and make a couple new friends! I am thankful that I got the first shower out of the way! But, my arms do ache to hold my precious baby girl!!!! I still miss her so much and the hurt is still very deep even though I go through most days smiling and even laughing.
Here I am with Marcie, the shower was for her, and our other friend Jennifer who is also expecting.
Then, that afternoon we celebrated Eli's birthday with Nana, Poppa, Aunt Amy, Uncle Chase, and Aunt Abby. It was a fun time and I loved watching the kids slip 'n' slide!!! Eli even got to have cake for the first time!! (He has food allergies and this is the first year I have made a cake he can eat.) The cake was all he wanted for his birthday. :) He gave me a huge hug yesterday morning when I showed him his cake and said "thank you, Mom". It melted my heart!!! He didn't realize that he would get presents. LOL Once this realization hit, he was totally excited. :) He tore open one and immediately went to the next one. He was too cute to watch!
Here he is opening some presents. I didn't get any still shots of him eating cake. I will have to pull some off the video.
He had to move to the floor to open better. :)
He completely destroyed the card envelopes. LOL
I stayed pretty busy during the party, so it didn't really hit until afterward how much fun it was to watch him and how I won't get to watch Janie Beth open presents or eat cake for the first time. It struck me how different her birthdays will be. My precious baby girl!!!
God is good and He brought me through. He walked beside me waiting for me to put up my hand and let Him hold it. I picture Him like I do myself as I watch my children do things. I ache to help them, but I also know that they have to learn how to do some things. But, I do believe there was too much Martha in me today and not enough Mary!! I am learning. This journey is hard to figure out! This club that I am in doesn't totally make sense! Even though I am expecting, things are still hard for me. It is crazy.
Here are the new flowers that we put at Janie Beth's grave. I love the pinkness! :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
Elisha James Karr
Elisha James entered the world on May 21, 2007 at 10:00 am. He was induced at 38 wks 1 day because the doctors were afraid I wouldn't make it to the hospital if I went into labor on my own. I had preterm labor starting at 32 wks. I was on bedrest and had to take meds every 6 hours. I went to the hospital a few different times and had to have a shot stop labor. By 38 wks I was 4 cm dialated. I was in labor 2.5 hours at the hospital and he came out in one contraction. I read a book while in labor. :) It was the easiest labor and delivery I had.
He was 6lb 15oz and 19.5in. He is still short and stocky. :) He looks and acts just like his Daddy!!! Joey calls him his mini me.
Eli is very independent! He does not get pushed around by his siblings. He is very athletic and has no problem wrestling with Josiah. We shall see which sport he ends up playing. Most say he will be a football player.
He potty trained this week. It was amazing and I can really take no credit because I did nothing special. He had a couple accidents the first day at the beginning, but nothing since except a little poopy as I was running him to the bathroom in the mall. He was telling me to "hurry, mom". :) I am very proud of how well he has done. He is even in underwear through the night.
He is such a little boy and is growing up in leaps and bounds. He makes us laugh every day. He is definitely our class clown! He wants to do everything his big brother and sister do. He is so sweet too! He is the one who remembers to say "thank you". He is a pistol! He adds to our family. God knew what he was doing, even though I don't know why He felt I needed to live through Joey's pay back for his childhood sometimes. LOL :)
Here are the many faces of Eli from the last 3 years.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Getting Better
I wanted to let you all know that I am getting better. We have gotten back into our chore routine and having our prayer and devotion time in the morning. I am reading up on how to train my children (or better yet, me LOL). I have had to put I Will Carry You aside for now. Their journey is very similar to ours, and I it takes a lot out of me right now. I hope to pick it back up again in a few months. For now, I need to work on how to handle the kiddos living in my house. :)
We have been playing games the last few days. I pulled out the Fishing game and the Elephant game, and we play Toy Story Monopoly Jr and Yahtzee. It is fun to have Eli getting to where he can play too. I can't believe he will be 3 on Friday!!
Since we are doing things, Janie Beth doesn't cross my mind quite as often, but then I will have a moment sometimes. I love to watch my screen saver that goes through her file of pictures! I really miss her and love her so much!
The weather is only in the 70's today and tomorrow so you will find us outside the rest of the afternoon after naptime and most of the day tomorrow. :) I am thankful that God gives us times when the heat isn't as bad. It is kind of like in the fire. He gives us periods that aren't as hot when He has us in the Refiner's fire!! He is very gracious and merciful!
I pray that I will continue to lean on God and let Him bring me through this journey. I know I will look back at this year and think that it was harder than I realized. That sounds crazy, but I know it is true. It takes more for me to get through the day than I realize. I am still grieving hard even though I have learned to make it through a day or week at a time instead of a minute at a time. The only way that I could make it through without realizing how hard it is is by the Father carrying me. It doesn't feel as hard because He is carrying me and He is holding me and He is bearing the burden on His shoulders! Thank You, Lord Jesus!!!
We have been playing games the last few days. I pulled out the Fishing game and the Elephant game, and we play Toy Story Monopoly Jr and Yahtzee. It is fun to have Eli getting to where he can play too. I can't believe he will be 3 on Friday!!
Since we are doing things, Janie Beth doesn't cross my mind quite as often, but then I will have a moment sometimes. I love to watch my screen saver that goes through her file of pictures! I really miss her and love her so much!
The weather is only in the 70's today and tomorrow so you will find us outside the rest of the afternoon after naptime and most of the day tomorrow. :) I am thankful that God gives us times when the heat isn't as bad. It is kind of like in the fire. He gives us periods that aren't as hot when He has us in the Refiner's fire!! He is very gracious and merciful!
I pray that I will continue to lean on God and let Him bring me through this journey. I know I will look back at this year and think that it was harder than I realized. That sounds crazy, but I know it is true. It takes more for me to get through the day than I realize. I am still grieving hard even though I have learned to make it through a day or week at a time instead of a minute at a time. The only way that I could make it through without realizing how hard it is is by the Father carrying me. It doesn't feel as hard because He is carrying me and He is holding me and He is bearing the burden on His shoulders! Thank You, Lord Jesus!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Josiah and Sleep
Josiah cracks me up sometimes. He has fallen asleep in many odd places and ways. I wanted to show you the many pictures I have so you can appreciate the oddness of my oldest child. :)
At our first church. Proof that he did suck his fingers at one time!
He fell asleep while fighting me about putting up the markers on the floor. I wouldn't let him get up from that spot until he picked them up, and then he fell asleep. LOL
His shirt says "Naps are the enemy" LOL
Here he is today. I wish I had been taking pictures over the last several months of his positions in my bed. :)
I found multiple pictures of Katie Jo and Eli while looking for all of these, so may have to do a post for their weird positions as well. :)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Hard Week
This week has been a hard week for me. I believe it started Tuesday. We went to my sister's end of the year band concert. Her last concert was last December and Janie Beth was still with us. She was still during Abby's band, but then she danced away through the rest of it. I thought about her a lot that night and wished she was there to dance along with her siblings. I even rubbed the new one in my belly, which is much smaller than it was at the last concert.
Thursday I went to the doctor. It went well, and it really struck me how long the baby's legs looked.
That night we had Josiah's Kindergarten graduation. This is when I really started going down. Before the program I wanted us to take a family picture. We all got up in front of a stain glass window and tried to get the children to cooperate. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we had not done this since Janie Beth was with us in the hospital! It hit me like a ton of bricks that she wasn't in the picture and wouldn't be in anymore family pictures. It hit me that we took several family pictures while she was in my belly and this time I have a baby in my belly, but it isn't her. Janie Beth will always be Janie Beth!!! It made me miss her terribly and it threw out my desire to take anymore pictures that night, and I pray that Josiah doesn't mind that we don't have many. I got the whole thing on video and my sister did take pictures with my camera and another precious lady took pictures for us.
I have pretty much been in a funk since all of that. I have been wondering what she would be like right now and what she would look like. I held a little baby girl Saturday and it warmed my heart! She smiled at me which was bittersweet. It was precious, but it made me realize something I missed out on with Janie Beth. It was nice to hold her though because I have really been missing JB.
I have also watched a precious family welcome a new baby girl to their lives. I really didn't think it would be hard for me because I have seen others do this since Janie Beth. I believe that I see my family in hers. I see us enjoying Janie Beth as much as they are enjoying their new baby girl. I see Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli loving on their sister in the same way their sons and daughter love their new sister. I see once again how different my journey has been, and I long to have Janie Beth here. I want to know that everything will be ok this time and we will get to have a different journey, but it still won't be the same because a piece will be missing.
My doctor keeps referring to my pregnancy as a normal pregnancy. I am glad that he considers it that way, but it isn't a normal pregnancy. Yes, the baby seems to be normal and everything seems to be going fine, but it is in no way normal. I am no longer the same person. My heart, mind, and soul are different. I am not normal this go round, so this pregnancy is not normal either. It is hard! I am so torn. I want Janie Beth and this baby. There are days I have to remind myself that this baby isn't Janie Beth. This pregnancy is changing me as it brings me further in my journey. I pray my baby is "normal", but I need others to realize that my pregnancy is not and I am not anymore either. I am a new normal.
Here is our latest family picture. Sorry for the red eyes, I haven't taken the time to edit any of our pictures yet. :) I decided to show you the 3 we took so you can appreciate the fun time it is for us to get everyone to smile. :)
Can you tell who is our clown? LOL
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I am a Woman. :)
Ok, I was going to to turn this into a family blog, then I decided I would start a second one, and now that I have, I think I just want one blog. LOL I am going to work on it all on another blog and then transfer over here. At least that is my plan. I just can't decide which blog to put things on, so I am just going to put it all here. I think. :)
In case you did not read on my family blog the other day, everything went well at my appointment. My pocket of blood is gone and baby was moving around nicely. It even looked like he/she had long legs. :)
I better get hopping because we have to be at the soccer field at 7:45 this morning. I hope you enjoy your Saturday!!!!
In case you did not read on my family blog the other day, everything went well at my appointment. My pocket of blood is gone and baby was moving around nicely. It even looked like he/she had long legs. :)
I better get hopping because we have to be at the soccer field at 7:45 this morning. I hope you enjoy your Saturday!!!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Hope (Pregnancy)
My hope has been in nothing the last few days. I have been afraid to hope because then I may be devastated. I feel like I am on a roller coaster.
I must remember that my hope must be in Jesus.
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand!
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
I know my God is big and wonderful and He is going to work all things together for our good and His glory. I need to send that promise to my heart. It is in my head, but there seems to be a blockade somewhere from my head to my heart.
We found out March 16 that we are expecting baby #5 on November 24, 2010. It has been a roller coaster since then. I have been having spotting issues, and then I even hemoraged (totally misspelled and I apologize!). I was put on bedrest for a week and went back in. I had a pocket of old blood, so he figured I would spot brown mess for a little while still. That was 2 weeks ago, and I "think" I have finally stopped spotting. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and I am afraid that baby won't have a heartbeat anymore. I am 12 weeks today. I have been doing pretty good for most of this journey, but the week of appointments is always hard. I want to just let go and let God, but I can't seem to figure out how to let go this time!!!
My being pregnant is one of the main reasons I haven't posted as much because most of what I would have to say was about my feelings regarding that and Janie Beth. It is a whole new level in my journey and I am still learning how to tread this new water.
I long to let go and enjoy my family and pregnancy!! I am praying for God's help. That He would be strong where I am weak. That He would write my faith. That He would completely fill me and guide me. I want His Spirit to have complete access to me. This is all part of growing. Growing just usually comes with some kind of pain.
Today I will be singing My Hope is Built all day today. I will be taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and focusing on Him. Allowing God to help me let go.
Abba, I love You! Please guide me through this day. May You write my faith and be strong where I am weak. I need You!!! Teach me to use Your armor and to let go. May You be glorified through my journey today. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
I must remember that my hope must be in Jesus.
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand!
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
I know my God is big and wonderful and He is going to work all things together for our good and His glory. I need to send that promise to my heart. It is in my head, but there seems to be a blockade somewhere from my head to my heart.
We found out March 16 that we are expecting baby #5 on November 24, 2010. It has been a roller coaster since then. I have been having spotting issues, and then I even hemoraged (totally misspelled and I apologize!). I was put on bedrest for a week and went back in. I had a pocket of old blood, so he figured I would spot brown mess for a little while still. That was 2 weeks ago, and I "think" I have finally stopped spotting. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and I am afraid that baby won't have a heartbeat anymore. I am 12 weeks today. I have been doing pretty good for most of this journey, but the week of appointments is always hard. I want to just let go and let God, but I can't seem to figure out how to let go this time!!!
My being pregnant is one of the main reasons I haven't posted as much because most of what I would have to say was about my feelings regarding that and Janie Beth. It is a whole new level in my journey and I am still learning how to tread this new water.
I long to let go and enjoy my family and pregnancy!! I am praying for God's help. That He would be strong where I am weak. That He would write my faith. That He would completely fill me and guide me. I want His Spirit to have complete access to me. This is all part of growing. Growing just usually comes with some kind of pain.
Today I will be singing My Hope is Built all day today. I will be taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ and focusing on Him. Allowing God to help me let go.
Abba, I love You! Please guide me through this day. May You write my faith and be strong where I am weak. I need You!!! Teach me to use Your armor and to let go. May You be glorified through my journey today. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I Will Carry You
My friend, Jennifer, got me the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. I have read 2 chapters so far and it is very good. It has flooded me with memories though! I don't mind because I love remembering my baby girl, but it makes me long to hold her and kiss her. The reasons for our babies going to heaven are different, but our journeys are similar. Her journey helped me a lot in the days following Janie Beth's diagnosis. I look forward to journeying through the rest of the book!!
God carried me through the day yesterday!! We went to church and I even made it through baby dedication. I did begin to cry when I saw them all lined up waiting to go up, but it wasn't sobbing. I tried to concentrate on Janie Beth being in heaven and the beauty of it and the wonderful things she is expecting. It helped me keep my focus. I also imagined her looking down at me. :) She is so special to me!
I held the molds of her hand and foot. I tried to remember what it felt like to have her hold me finger. I rubbed her foot and looked at her perfect little toes, and I realized that she had my feet. It made me smile, but it also gave a pang in my heart. She is the only one of my children so far to have my feet. :) I am blessed.
Here are her precious feet. Mine look just like them from the bottom, but bigger.
God carried me through the day yesterday!! We went to church and I even made it through baby dedication. I did begin to cry when I saw them all lined up waiting to go up, but it wasn't sobbing. I tried to concentrate on Janie Beth being in heaven and the beauty of it and the wonderful things she is expecting. It helped me keep my focus. I also imagined her looking down at me. :) She is so special to me!
I held the molds of her hand and foot. I tried to remember what it felt like to have her hold me finger. I rubbed her foot and looked at her perfect little toes, and I realized that she had my feet. It made me smile, but it also gave a pang in my heart. She is the only one of my children so far to have my feet. :) I am blessed.
Here are her precious feet. Mine look just like them from the bottom, but bigger.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to my precious Mommy friends. I wish I could send a note to each of you that are hurting this morning! I should have thought ahead and worked on them throughout the week. Those of you who are hurting are in my prayers this morning! And in my thoughts and prayers throughout this day. I am thinking of all our little ones playing together this morning bragging about their mommy's!! Doesn't it bring a smile to your face. :)
Don't try to stop your tears today, but remember to smile with them some too. You are blessed even though your precious little one is not with you. They gave you the wonderful title of Mother! They have forever changed the way you are and their mark in your life with reach further than you will ever know. :)
I am sending love and hugs to each of you today!!!!
Love, Michelle
Don't try to stop your tears today, but remember to smile with them some too. You are blessed even though your precious little one is not with you. They gave you the wonderful title of Mother! They have forever changed the way you are and their mark in your life with reach further than you will ever know. :)
I am sending love and hugs to each of you today!!!!
Love, Michelle
Friday, May 7, 2010
I changed my mind. :) I FIXED THE LINK!!!!
I have decided to start a new blog for our day to day lives. It is a woman's right to change her mind. LOL :)
Here is the link to The Journey of the Karr's.
Because of this, I will be changing things around here more to gear it towards Janie Beth and all that God is teaching me.
Here is the link to The Journey of the Karr's.
Because of this, I will be changing things around here more to gear it towards Janie Beth and all that God is teaching me.
Brokenhearted Love
Molly Piper wrote this post called Brokenhearted Love, and I wanted to share it with you all. It is wonderful, and it spoke to me. I want to reach out to someone else who is hurting and let them know they are remembered.
Love to you all!!!
Love to you all!!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Self-pity
That is where I have found myself this afternoon and evening. Mother's Day has been on mind and I have been feeling quite sorry for myself. I have been living through this week pretending that Mother's Day wasn't really coming or going to happen. Denial is easy, but so cruel! Once you come out of it, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I have just been focusing on trying to make it through the day and baby dedication and just putting myself on auto-pilot. There is no telling what I would have looked like Sunday morning if I was in auto-pilot mode! LOL
Anyways, tonight in my time with God I realized what I had been doing. I sought His forgiveness and asked Him to change my heart. He is so cool when you do that sincerely because He does it. :) Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am going to let God use me as His hands. What could be better!?! I want to bring Him glory through this journey and bring others hope. God is still there and He loves us just as much today when we are hurting as He did yesterday before the storm started, if not more.
I still miss Janie Beth! I still wish I was dedicating her to the Lord this Sunday with all those other precious little ones. But, I will be thankful that she is dedicated wholy to the Lord in His presence! How could a baby dedication be any better? She is beholding His true glory and presence. I want to hold her and kiss her and my heart still aches, but I have peace and joy because my focus is different. The Lord truly is strong where we are weak! Amen!!!
As you go through this Mother's Day remember that many are hurting and rejoicing. It is bittersweet. I will cherish my children that God has allowed me to still have here on earth, but I will long for Janie Beth too. Give someone a hug who looks like they are miles away. It may not be that she has lost a baby, but rather that she longs for one and God has not given her one yet. Mother's Day is hard for so many, and sadly I never realized it until it was hard for me.
Here I am with each of my babies the day they made me a mother.
Anyways, tonight in my time with God I realized what I had been doing. I sought His forgiveness and asked Him to change my heart. He is so cool when you do that sincerely because He does it. :) Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am going to let God use me as His hands. What could be better!?! I want to bring Him glory through this journey and bring others hope. God is still there and He loves us just as much today when we are hurting as He did yesterday before the storm started, if not more.
I still miss Janie Beth! I still wish I was dedicating her to the Lord this Sunday with all those other precious little ones. But, I will be thankful that she is dedicated wholy to the Lord in His presence! How could a baby dedication be any better? She is beholding His true glory and presence. I want to hold her and kiss her and my heart still aches, but I have peace and joy because my focus is different. The Lord truly is strong where we are weak! Amen!!!
As you go through this Mother's Day remember that many are hurting and rejoicing. It is bittersweet. I will cherish my children that God has allowed me to still have here on earth, but I will long for Janie Beth too. Give someone a hug who looks like they are miles away. It may not be that she has lost a baby, but rather that she longs for one and God has not given her one yet. Mother's Day is hard for so many, and sadly I never realized it until it was hard for me.
Here I am with each of my babies the day they made me a mother.
Josiah
Katie Jo
Eli
Janie Beth
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
God's Love
In Sunday School, or Life Group (whatever you want to call it ;)), we were discussing God's love. We were to discuss as a class if we had had a moment when it clicked that God loves us and we love Him. Although, it was phrased much better than that. This has been going over in my head since then.
I was actually praying last year that God would draw me more in love with Him. God has drawn me closer to Him in the last 6 months, and I love Him deeper than I have before in my life. I have also had other times in my life where God has drawn me closer to truly loving Him. Were these in easy times? No. Were they always tragic times in my life? No. But, they were times when I had to struggle. They were times when I had to rely on God. They were times when God was more real to me and teaching me. Have I learned about God in the good times? Sure, but not in the same way. You learn about His goodness, and often times that becomes your focus instead of God Himself.
I am not saying that everyone needs to have a tradegy to truly love God. But, God will have to break you in order for you to lose yourself and gain Him. Many of my falling in love with God times was having to face a sin in my life and replace it with God. Forgiving someone is hard sometimes, and I drew nearer to God by having to have Him forgive through me. Being in a place that we were not content with being in drew me closer to God. It made me seek Him and what He wanted in my life. Digging into His word and applying it to my life draws me closer. I love doing Bible studies that have been written by wonderful people of faith and I have grown in amazing ways through some of them. But, studying God's word for myself is awesome too!! When God opens my eyes and shows me His truth, it is amazing. And to think that He loves me and that is why He shows me.
Tradegy is a major way that God draws me closer to Him. When I prayed that prayer last year, I had no idea that God would use Janie Beth to draw me closer to Him by taking her to heaven, but you know what? If I had to go back and relive last year, I would still pray that prayer knowing what would happen. Do I want tradegy in my life? No, but the rainbows in the rain are so much brighter! I wish I could get close to God by life being rosy all the time, but that is not our human nature.
A dear lady once said that she prays for God to break her. That can be a scary prayer when you think of all God could do. But, it is for my good and His glory. He has brought me through some rough times, and I know He will bring me through whatever is in my path. I will chose to remember and stand on God's promises!! He will bring me, the pot of clay, through the fire and I will be a vessel for Him.
I love God, but I know I have far to go. I will never love Him wholly until I get to heaven. He will bring me deeper throughout my life as we travel this road of life together. Each step will be different, and some harder than others. But, I would rather take those steps than stay where I am!
Thank You Abba for loving me enough to put obstacles of all different kinds in my way to draw me closer to You!!! I love You, and I pray that You will draw me closer to You and deeper in love with You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
I was actually praying last year that God would draw me more in love with Him. God has drawn me closer to Him in the last 6 months, and I love Him deeper than I have before in my life. I have also had other times in my life where God has drawn me closer to truly loving Him. Were these in easy times? No. Were they always tragic times in my life? No. But, they were times when I had to struggle. They were times when I had to rely on God. They were times when God was more real to me and teaching me. Have I learned about God in the good times? Sure, but not in the same way. You learn about His goodness, and often times that becomes your focus instead of God Himself.
I am not saying that everyone needs to have a tradegy to truly love God. But, God will have to break you in order for you to lose yourself and gain Him. Many of my falling in love with God times was having to face a sin in my life and replace it with God. Forgiving someone is hard sometimes, and I drew nearer to God by having to have Him forgive through me. Being in a place that we were not content with being in drew me closer to God. It made me seek Him and what He wanted in my life. Digging into His word and applying it to my life draws me closer. I love doing Bible studies that have been written by wonderful people of faith and I have grown in amazing ways through some of them. But, studying God's word for myself is awesome too!! When God opens my eyes and shows me His truth, it is amazing. And to think that He loves me and that is why He shows me.
Tradegy is a major way that God draws me closer to Him. When I prayed that prayer last year, I had no idea that God would use Janie Beth to draw me closer to Him by taking her to heaven, but you know what? If I had to go back and relive last year, I would still pray that prayer knowing what would happen. Do I want tradegy in my life? No, but the rainbows in the rain are so much brighter! I wish I could get close to God by life being rosy all the time, but that is not our human nature.
A dear lady once said that she prays for God to break her. That can be a scary prayer when you think of all God could do. But, it is for my good and His glory. He has brought me through some rough times, and I know He will bring me through whatever is in my path. I will chose to remember and stand on God's promises!! He will bring me, the pot of clay, through the fire and I will be a vessel for Him.
I love God, but I know I have far to go. I will never love Him wholly until I get to heaven. He will bring me deeper throughout my life as we travel this road of life together. Each step will be different, and some harder than others. But, I would rather take those steps than stay where I am!
Thank You Abba for loving me enough to put obstacles of all different kinds in my way to draw me closer to You!!! I love You, and I pray that You will draw me closer to You and deeper in love with You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Happy Babylost Mother's Day
I am thinking of all the babylost mommy's that I have met over the last 6 months and praying for each of you today. There are more than I ever realized. I pray that God would bless each of you in a special way today and hold you close. Each of your babies blessed this world for however long they were in it, and they each changed you, as their mother, into a better mother and woman.
Instead of being sad that I am a part of this day; I am thanking God for blessng me with the privilege of being Janie Beth's mommy!! She is a precious little girl and I am thankful that I got to carry her while she was in this world. I am blessed to be a babylost mother. Without going through the trenches my love for God wouldn't grow in the same way. It would grow, but it wouldn't be as deep and real.
THANK YOU, ABBA!!!! You have done exceedingly abundantly above all I could ever ask or think! I love You!!!
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