Well, I have made it to February. This is the week leading up to Janie Beth's due date. I am going to try hard to get us back into school and Bible verse work. Just thinking about it seems overwhelming and sad. I don't know why doing the things makes this all feel more real. If we aren't doing the ordinary things, then I do pretty well, but the days when we do our regular things wear me out. Janie Beth crosses my mind more on those days I guess. I don't know; I can't figure myself out. :)
There are multiple things that God is trying to help me with and change me. This is another journey that I have to take one day at a time because it is too daunting to look at the complete road ahead. One of my main issues right now is envy with those that got pregnant once we found out Janie Beth would die or after she died. For some odd reason those that were pregnant with me from early on do not bother me as much. But, it does hurt when I think about them getting ready for delivery and meeting their little ones. God gave me a verse when I asked Him to show me how to deal with everything. It is from Psalm 109, "give yourself over to prayer". OUCH! So, then I started praying about praying. :) God had to tap my head and say, "Ok, now you need to pray for them". But, God. "Just do it". I then embarked on praying for others. I even cried my way through many parts of it. I will be the first to admit that my prayers have been incredibly self-centered lately. But, one of the ways God changes your heart is through prayer, so I need to pray for myself but also the others on my heart.
Abba Father, please help me continue to lift others up in prayer and change my heart. Come into my heart and go deeper than my pain. Lord, it still really hurts! Mold me back together again. Give me strength for each moment today. Write my faith for each moment today. Father, please bless the wonderful pregnant women in my life and their precious babies. May You keep them all healthy and save and be glorified through their journeys. Thank You for a beautiful first day of February. Please be beautiful through me. I need You, Father. I love You! Thank You for the amazing things You are doing in my life, my marriage, and my family! You are too wonderful for words, even when I have to be chastised in order to get me in tune with Your will. Thank You for carrying me and holding me close. In Jesus' most holy name I pray. Amen