The last few days I have just been blah. I cannot tell you exactly why, except that I miss my precious Janie Beth so much it hurts and I love her immensely. Her actual due date was not too bad. But, as usual the following day was. It seems to crash down on me after the fact. But, once again God was gracious and I was much better by the afternoon on Monday. Tuesday wasn't proving to be any better. Sheesh, what is my problem went through my mind quite a bit. I told a lady on our way into the church for Bible study that I was trying not to complain, but I was really ready to see the sun shine again! I think my mornings started out rough when I looked at the window and it was still cloudy. Outside was matching my life, and I wasn't too fond of that. My life has just seemed cloudy and rainy lately. Janie Beth has been on my mind almost constantly. I sat and watched her slideshow yesterday because I wanted to experience her. Of course, I cried. :) But, sometimes it is nice to cry, it melts the overbearing pain to a more bearable pain.
So, this was my mood when a friend called me to check on me since I hadn't posted in a couple days, and I told her about my desire to see the sun. We chatted for a bit and then I went on to fixing dinner. I remembered I had clothes to get out of the dryer, so I got some things started in the kitchen and then went to get the clothes. I walked into my room with the basket of clothes, and do you know what I saw!?! The SUN!!!! Yes, I cried! :) It was shining right through my window!!! I went into the bathroom, opened my blinds and watched that patch of blue sky and sun blow across the sky until I couldn't see it anymore. I thanked my Abba so much for shining on me!
Not only did the sun shine down on me, but there was blue sky peaking through. There are times when it is only the sun that shines through and you can't see the sky behind the clouds. God was reminding me that behind the clouds the blue sky is still there. It doesn't go anywhere. The sun come out again and the blue sky will shine again! The Son of God is shining behind and through the clouds in my life. He will burn through the clouds and let His light shine and the blue sky radiate through my life. How awesome a promise!!!!
The sun left behind the clouds again for a while, but it later came out again and I opened my kitchen blinds to let it shine in. I kept them open through dinner even though the sun was in Josiah's face. But, he didn't complain a bit. I told Joey I was going to let the sun shine in as long as it was out! God blessed me incredibly!!!!
Today was going really well, but then I went to Wal-Mart. Love is everywhere! Roses are out all over the place. Pink roses were the last gift Janie Beth and I received before her birth and death. I had some silent tears streak my face as I walked to get the milk. All the little stuffed animals in the Valentine aisle made me think of Janie Beth. (I didn't go down the aisle for torture, I was getting Valentines for Eli to give out on Friday. :) ) The hole in my heart seemed huge! The urge to scream that my baby is dead hit me a couple times. But, God graciously carried me through.
I got home and Joey held me while I cried. I read in my devotion book and felt a little better, but still not doing too well. Joey held me while I cried some more. Then, I had perfect peace come over me. The peace that only God brings. This will sound crazy, but my peace was to send Joey to the movies and just have some blessed time with my Father. And, as Joey was leaving, you know what happened!?! The sun began to shine again outside and the Son began to shine in my heart.
God will always meet me right where I am. My devotion spoke to my heart. This is from a new devotion book that Jennifer gave me. It is called "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman
When nothing whereon to lean remains,
When strongholds crumble to dust;
When nothing is sure by that God still reigns,
That is just the time to trust
'Tis better to walk by faith than sight,
In this path of yours and mine;
And the pitch-black night, when there's no outer light
Is the time for faith to shine.
I read this before my second crying session. :) It was going through my head right before God's mighty peace set in. I will Lean on the Everlasting Arms!!! They are strong enough to hold my pain!
I love you, Janie Beth, you are my little Valentine. You will be spending Valentine's Day with the one who loves you more than I. What a privilege! You are so precious to me. Abba, thank you for the privilege of being Janie Beth's mommy. Thank You that I get to love her even though she isn't here. May she continue to teach me how to love Joey, Josiah, Katie Jo, and Eli. Thank You Abba for loving me so much! Thank You for meeting me right where I am and blessing my socks off! I love You! In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen
I have to share a picture of my littlest Valentine.